Oath
(This is just a first part. I know it is short, but please don't hesitate to review so I can know if I'm doing okay)
I kept punching the girl for minutes. Her screams made my body shiver, however, I couldn't stop for fear was more powerful than compassion. Being blindfolded made me go crazy. They laughed, she cried, I punched... My hands went numb. My heart went nuts. They raped her...
The day after, she committed suicide. Her weak and pitiful brother was unable to protect her. Instead, all I did was punching...
That's how I finally decided to put an end to my miserable life. But it won't be "my" end; it will be "our" end.
Today is my first day back to school after I mourned my sister for more than a week. I'm back to hell. I will have to face her innocent killers as if nothing happened, for the time being at least. They are my classmates actually, in case you didn't understand whom I'm talking about. They murdered her. I murdered her. We all did, and we all have to pay.
I arrived late. The teacher faked a sad smile. "Welcome back," she said. I nodded and reached for my seat. In my head, the class seemed huge, empty... The walls were covered in blood. The word coward was written on all the desks. My hands were trembling. I touched my cheeks, but there were no tears sadly. Things started to spin and I was about to throw up... "Andre! Andre! Are you okay?"
The voice calmed me. It was Ann. She was my girlfriend. I guess the bullied aren't allowed to have a girlfriend. I loved her, but that doesn't matter now. There is no room for love. It's hatred that I need and hatred is what I feel.
It's time to introduce my first target. Olly. He is the weakest of them all. I did my research on the stupid monster. I knew everything about him. I knew when he woke up, which toothpaste he used, how he liked his coffee, which newspapers his father read, his favorite soccer player, his favorite game, what pajamas he liked to wear before going to sleep... Every piece of information. That way, my initial plan of action was ready.
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Canary word: Present
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hi! I'm Radical Carrot and oh boy was this story a doozy but I'll try to review it anyways.
Characters: I'll be honest, like everyone else this story was confusing and I was confused as to who the main character was supposed to be. I think it is the brother of the girl who got beat who is named Andre. He plans to kill himself out of guilt for being a part of the people who beat up his sister? That is what I gather. So, this character is incredibly dark and edgy. They feel like a complicated character but all we get from this story is like a confusing glimpse who they are. The story is so confusing that it's hard to understand who Andre is or what his motivation is. Why did he involve himself with beating up his sister? If he feels so bad about it, why did he do it in the first place? What are his interests? What did Olly do that makes him so mad? What is Olly like? If Olly beat up Andre's sister, why did he do it? There are just a lot of loose ends that aren't tied up about the characters, their motivations and personalities flip flop everywhere and we don't get a clear picture of any of them. Andre seems mentally ill, but it's impossible to tell. If I were to pinpoint a mental illness for him I would have to say it seems like he has schizophrenia. It could explain why the story telling is so confusing and why he seems to hallucinate. But the execution of it is sloppy and lazy. And his girlfriend is mentioned but that's all. She seems like an important character but you just sort of glaze over her after she's mentioned. She does't do anything of significance and the story would be the same without her.
Setting: The setting genuinely doesn't seem like any thought was put into it. It was a school. But what kind of school? In what county? What sort of people go to this school? Is it in a poor area or rich area? It wasn't described at all to the point where I don't think I could even tell what the time period was. You described that classroom at one point. "In my head, the class seemed huge, empty... The walls were covered in blood. The word coward was written on all the desks." It says "in my head" so I understand that this is all from Andre's perspective. But why is there blood on the walls or coward written on the desks. I realize that this seems like it was left up to the readers interpretation for what this all meant but it's so poorly written that it's hardly understandable.
Pacing: Here is the biggest problem. The pacing is fast and absolutely wild. It so sloppy that it hard to understand. I agree with the analogy that of the AI who has the words to write a dark edgy story and just slaps them together randomly to make a story. I can understand if this was supposed to be a poem, but it simply is an awful structure for a story. It constantly leaves the reader wondering what exactly happened. It is dark and edgy but doesn't seem to even understand why it's the way it is. I think there are some really good ideas in here but they're all just rushed by so fast that it doesn't make sense and is so foggy and fuzzy that it feel like some sort of weird fever dream.
All in all, I think your ideas do have some real potential. It seems like the pacing was off on purpose which I guess I can understand but there doesn't seem like there's a real reason for it except that it makes the story seem more poetic and edgy. It would be ok if there was a purpose for it but there simply isn't, or at least not one that I can see. By no means am I saying you are a bad writer. In fact, I was very interested with this story. I wanted it to be more understandable because I did genuinely like it and wanted to see where it was headed. I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, I don't want you to feel that you are a bad writer who should stop writing. But maybe you could just try expanding on the story so it makes more sense and allows the reader to really enjoy the characters, setting, and plot.
Keep writing my dude!
- RC
Well, I'm going to be honest. I'm not sure what exactly happened in this story, or who the main character was. Like, I legitimately was unsure if the POV of the story was switching between characters or if the Main Character in question was both a bully and victim of bullying?
It feels like you abandoned ease of understanding for poetic-sounding simplistic lines. Which would only be permissible if you were writing poetry.
"They laughed, she cried. I punched... My hands went numb. My heart went nuts. They raped her..."
Okay, sounds cool, has an aesthetically pleasing sentence design, sure, but I'm extremely confused. And the feeling carries throughout the entire short.
I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel like this is an AI's attempt at writing "dark, edgy" stories. The AI has all the words that traditionally appear in such fiction, but because it has no human understanding of how those words work emotionally when put together in the right order, it just spat all of them in random junction onto a page and was done.
Sorry if I come off as insulting, I usually have a sarcastic tinge to everything I write, even when it's reviewing something. But I can see you're good at grammar. Very little errors to spot there, at least nothing glaring. A missed comma or two, nothing that couldn't be fixed with a single proofreading.
Overall, yes, it's "dark" and "edgy" but darkness and edge that serve no purpose, or are applied in a story with no substance, is frankly a lot like having lots of icing but no cake.
Hi! Uh...first of all...what the heck!!! That is one...horrifying story! I'm messed up, so I kinda like how dark it was, but i'm just a tad bit confused. Is the main character who punched her her brother? Why was he/she blindfolded? Was he/she forced to beat up that girl? And what do you mean by end your life if you go into the classroom the next day alive? Also, how are the killers innocent if they are killers? Is the main character the bully or the bullied? It says that the bullied are not allowed to have a girlfriend, which goes back to the question of if your main character is a guy or a girl? And one more thing!!! What a creepy he/she because that last paragraph... he/she knows everything about this Olly guy!!! I'm not sugar coating this, I liked your story. It was funny in an extremely dark way, maybe that's just because I'm messed up. I liked your descriptions on how the main character felt and how you guided the reader along in each part. I think that all you need is a bit more clarity and your story will be on the road again! That was very very dark but I really liked it!
I'm looking forward to more of your writing!
-Lolo
Well, your story certainly seemed... dark. I would like to try reviewing it anyways! I hope that it helps, and if it doesn't, sorry for wasting your time.
I'm just going to show some suggestions inside the spoiler. I probably won't interfere much with ur plot and how it flows.
Key:
My comments will be in red
My suggestions to add something will be in green
My suggestions to remove something will have a strikethroughRandom comments that you can ignore or laugh at
Spoiler
Okay, finished with the little edits.
Overall, I found your story a little confusing. I don't really understand the flow of events and what is going on. I think that a way to make events flow nicely in a story is to first write out the basic idea of what's going to happen in a bullet point format. I think if you cleared up what is happening a little more, your story would improve.
I'm sorry if any of my comments seemed rude, I try not to sugarcoat things. I hope my advice was helpful!
Thank you for your review. I'm grateful.
He isn't dead. He plans to commit suicide after he takes revenge for his sister. (That's how I finally decided to put an end to my miserable life. But it won't be "my" end; it will be "our" end.)