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I skid through my garden gate and stride up the front path, breathing heavily. Vegetable patches line my way on both sides of the cobbled path, my father's pride and joy. My house is a small cottage on the outskirts of Silverpin, with ivy creeping stealthily up and over onto the thatched roof and a thin line of smoke constantly winding from the chimney. It is uncomfortably cramped and has the most terrible of draughts but it's home.
I nudge open the front door with an old familiar creak and step inside the threshold. The pictures shake on the wall as I shut the door and a smell of freshly baked bread and home made jam wafts delightfully towards me.
“SCARLET, IS THAT YOU?” shouts my mother from the kitchen.
“Yes, Mum!”
“Come here,” she demands, as usual. I drag my feet into the kitchen, bracing myself for the daily criticisms that flow ever so easily from my mother's lips. She looks up from stirring her strawberry jam and a frown immediately creases her forehead as she looks me over. Her frizzy, brown hair is busy escaping the clasps that she has forced it into, and her glass monocle has clouded over with cooking steam. Lane and I truly believe her stern look could make even an Elemental run screaming for the hills.
“You look filthy, tired and too skinny,” Mum spills out without taking a breath.
“Jeez – thanks,” I mumble, trying to rub the layer of dirt from my cheek from lying spread eagled on wooden boards all night.
“I'm only looking out for you, young lady. How will you ever get a husband if you're always covered in grime and hanging about with that Lane boy? Unless he's the one your planning to marry of course.”
“MUM! We're just friends,” I say, horrified at the thought of being anything but with Lane. A fleeting image of him leaning into kiss me flashes through my mind and I shudder with distaste. My mother just titters with annoyance.
“Have you looked any more into that extra mathematical tuition, Scarlet?” I groan and shake my head as an answer. “It's for your own good. Even though you've left school now, it's time to choose your role within the community and your extremely inept mathematics skills are not going to help you at all.”
I scowl at her poor expectations of me. She knows how much I despise anything to do with numbers and she takes any opportunity to bring it up. My mother is Silverpin's community bookkeeper. She spends her mornings, afternoons and evenings recording the history, the maps, the stories and fairy tales of Sunder. She was so very proud of her work and well respected within Silverpin so her own daughter being anything else than perfection was a big no no.
A loud knock on the door saves me from any further mother to daughter onslaught. She leaves the kitchen, wiping her hands upon her apron as she walks to answer it. Now I have the the perfect opportunity to steal into her office to search for the information I need.
I creep past her turned back in the hallway, hearing the voice of little Alexa May's mother asking my own if she has seen her mischievous daughter anywhere. For the first time that day, I praise that little girl for giving me the chance I need. I scramble through the office door and silently shut it behind me with gritted teeth.
Inside the cramped work space, there are intricately drawn maps pinned all over the walls. Various artefacts are displayed methodically on different shelves for my mother to gaze at and use to describe our families' history. There are also piles and piles of books, large and small, scattered on the floor. Some have been left open on pages of interest whilst others have been visibly thrown aside due to their uselessness. I wonder what hidden secrets my mother has uncovered in her time that nobody else knows about. Hope fully the one that I want the answer to!
I start with my mother's mahogany desk. If there was something that she wanted to keep close to her then this is the first place I should look. I open the desk drawer as quietly as possible and rummage through the contents. Sheets of paper are stuffed deep inside with discarded pens and broken pencils. It soon becomes clear that something so important won't be kept in here.
I tap my chin and look around me once more, puzzled. My inner conscious puts my mother's monocle on and surveys the room in a detective manner.
The book shelf stands proudly in the corner, the shelves bending with weight. No it won't be there. Too obvious. A filing system, labelled with coloured ink stands to the right of the room. Nope. Too easy to access.
Think, Scar. If I were my Mother and I wanted to hide something from me, where would I put it?
A light bulb pings on inside my head when I spot it. A huge box labels 'Mathematical History'. I roll my eyes. Oh look, I have a comedian for a mother! I hurry over to the box and delve deep inside. I find it within seconds and I beam from ear to ear. 'The History of The Elementals' sits in my trembling hands, the brown leather cover crumbling with age. I carefully turn to the page that I want and begin to read, always aware that my mother could come in at any moment.
“The sight of an Elemental is a very rare event. In over a one thousand years, only a handful of humans have described a meeting with one of these elusive creatures and even then we cannot be sure if they are fact or fiction. The accounts of what they look like, sound like or even how they move are so diverse that we have no definitive answer.
It is strongly believed that they live amongst themselves, in what can only be described as tribe like behaviour, and there seems to be a general consensus as to why they would want to make contact with anyone outside of their own kind.
Various sources agree that when an Elemental decides to make themselves known any human subject, they believe that they are introducing themselves to a potential ally. They heavily rely on the ancient instincts of their kind that they are most certainly reaching out to a hidden Elemental. A human soul with power over the elements.”
I slam the book shut in my clammy palms whilst realisation trickles through my veins, leaving my blood icy cold. The only reason an elemental has ever tried to make contact with a human, is because they are trying to contact someone of their own kind. Could it be true? Were they searching for me?
A train of thoughts are now taking over my mind. Repeating themselves over and over. My name is Scarlet Kenna, my family have been in the business of guarding themselves against Elementals for centuries upon centuries. What they don't know? Is that I am one.
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138,475 Literary Works • 672,141 Reviews
Wow. Just read all three chapters, I enjoyed the whole concept of the two separate races very much. I've read similar concepts in sci-fi novels but the fantasy setting and the magic thing suits it well.
One grammar point and that is the last sentences. 'What they don't know? Is that I am one.' should be all one sentence. Or the last sentence should be 'That I am one' so you haven't cut it in half with the question mark if you get what I mean.
Totally loved the reveal at the end though. Can't wait to know what happens next because I'm interested to see what Scarlet will do now. Will she run away and join the elementals? What will happen both to her and Silverpin if she does? Please post some more.
PS. Thanks for the review.
Thanks a bunch! XD! This was the first story I'd written & I'm not sure why I ever stopped to be honest. I guess I find a new idea and ran off with it. Feel free to check out my other stuff!
Wow! What a chapter
I definitely want to know more about these elementals and I want to know now 
and shes trying to protect her? 
I could go on but I wont :')
Cant wait to read the next chapter! 
Love the imagery at the beginning of the scene as well as the cramped yet homely mess of the insides of her house.
Her mother is brilliantly written, I get the sense that her stern demeanour may be a ruse
And since she deliberately hid the elementals book, in a place she knew scarlett wouldnt find it(as opposed to anyone else) could this mean that she knows?
I'm sorry but I do like to dissect things
It kept me very well entertained and intrigued
(please say you're writing more!)
Hola my amiga! Last chapter right?
Great imagery!
This reads just a little awkward. Almost like this sentence is saying she's horrified at being anything besides his spouse. I know it meant the opposite so by taking this out it makes it smooth.
This should all be in present tense so "is" instead of "was."
Should it maybe be "For the first time ever" for more emphasis? Just curious.
Very interesting! You keep me on my toes you do
Change is now done here.
< 3 Olive you.
Woah! I was so not expecting that one! You have certainly put a giant twist here that I did not see coming at all!
AWESOME!
The only spelling error that popped out was the word "artefacts" which is spelled "artifacts." No worries though, it happens. All in all, I think that this chapter was just a little too short. I would have liked to hear more between Scarlet and her mother during their "first encounter," so to speak. The mother seems like such a hilarious character but I think their conversation which was so abruptly cut short didn't serve her the justice that she deserves, though I'm excited to see more of her. Aside from that, I think this chapter was great, but the first two had just a little more impact. However, the ending is leaving me dying to find out what happens next! Great work!
Also you have used the wrong word here.
draught US, draft [drɑːft]
n
1. a current of air, esp one intruding into an enclosed space
2.
a. the act of pulling a load, as by a vehicle or animal
b. (as modifier) a draught horse
3. the load or quantity drawn
4. a portion of liquid to be drunk, esp a dose of medicine
5. the act or an instance of drinking; a gulp or swallow
6. the act or process of drawing air, smoke, etc., into the lungs
7. the amount of air, smoke, etc., inhaled in one breath
draughts. A game.
You cant use the plural of draught here.
Ok I'm cutting this review short because I gotta run. But I'll be back.
Hi there!
I found this funny and very interesting. Usually it's the mother who's into gardening and making the house/yard look nice. So the fact that her father keeps up vegetables makes me laugh. I like it.
This is one of my pet peeves when it comes to writing. How dare you?! :O I'm just kidding XD But anyway, this really is one of my pet peeves. When you say that someone shouted something, you don't have to put it in capital letters. By adding the dialogue tag at the end saying "he/she shouted", readers are aware that the character shouted. Using capital letters just annoys the reader (or maybe just me, I don't know). So for future notice, don't use capital letters. Unless, of course, you don't add a dialogue tag. If you just said,
Then you could use the capital letters. In this layout, the reader can assume that Scarlet's mother is yelling. They're not sure how exactly the dialogue was spoken so using the capital letters help.
Overall this is a good chapter. I apologize for my review. Usually I have more to say, but there just wasn't much for me to say about this. That's not a bad thing, it's good. That means I knew what point you wanted to get across in this chapter and you did. So good job.
This chapter is a wonderful information chapter. Seeing as our attention was focused on the elemental for the past two chapters, it's refreshing to have something else to focus on. And the information at the end that Scarlet finds in the book is wonderful. Really, I loved it and the way you introduced it. Two thumbs up!
Do let me know when the next chapter is up. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Chapte three! Here we go-go.
"Hopefully" is just one word.
How interesting! Makes me wonder, how can Scarlet be an Elemental if they appeared to the reader as creatures, not humans. That's something that you can elaborate on in the first two paragraphs, so it is known: are the Elementals creatures, humans, or both? Neither? Confusing!
Thisbis becoming really good to read, something I find myself enthralled in. I especially like the fact that Scarlet despised math, too. Wise girl!
Overall, great job. I can't wait to read chapter four so hit me up when it's posted!
~ Iggy.
Hello! I like how you introduce Scarlet's mother and how Scarlet is seen s a disappointment through her eyes. Maybe at the end you could bring this to a full circle by having Scarlet make her mother proud? However, although I do like the Scarlet-being-an-Elemental plot twist (I did not see that coming) it was introduced a little early in the story. Chapter One is still my favorite, but this was a strong chapter as well. I can't wait to find out what happens! Keep writing!
Hi there again!
Alright so this was good, but not as good as the other two chapters, there were several things that got to me while reading this:
- your prose at the very beginning is verging on what we call "purple prose"- you know, when you say, "elegantly sauntered" when "walked" would do, that kind of thing. Use your vocab, sure, but don't overuse it. Use plain language when it will do the job!
-the mother-daughter relationship here... eh. I wasn't so keen on the conversation, because I felt like it was going too quickly in too many different directions, and as well I didn't understand how it was in keeping with the characters. Usually mothers who insist on their daughters having husbands grow up in a society where women don't work- but clearly Scarlet and her mother both have jobs, in fact her mother seems to have a very important job. So why is the husband thing a big deal? Then the maths thing... I don't know, I just felt that the whole conversation was a bit staged. Maybe she would come in, her mother would complain about her appearance, perhaps, and then say "I've been thinking"- about say, the maths- and complain about that. I just felt you were trying too hard to prove a point about criticism there and it just did nothing for me.
-the end resolution here- usually, the reader always susses something out before the character. I hadn't even sussed anything from that- besides, wouldn't you want to keep that mindblowing realisation for a little while? To have Scarlet figure out something SO HUGE this soon in a story... I don't know how good it's going to make your structure- plus, that moment of revelation could be handled a lot better if you let her sit on the information for a while. I don't know, I just think I would hold off on that.
So mostly I thought this was good, but the weakest so far of your chapters. I'm largely concerned about your character relationships, they seem to be going down stereotypical routes as far as I can see, and I'd really like to see you try something different.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
"anything else than perfection was a big no no."
it should be " anything else than perfection was a big no."
ur work is nice.....quite simply understandable. i hven't tried to understand it, it is automatically giving me good understanding about the stuff! this is the magic of ur language which is very good.
as a sample i have something for u:
“Come here,” she demands, as usual. I drag my feet into the kitchen, bracing myself for the daily criticisms that flow ever so easily from my mother's lips. She looks up from stirring her strawberry jam and a frown immediately creases her forehead as she looks me over. Her frizzy, brown hair is busy escaping the clasps that she has forced it into, and her glass monocle has clouded over with cooking steam. Lane and I truly believe her stern look could make even an Elemental run screaming for the hills.
ESPECIALLY FOR THIS I WANT TO GIVE U FOUR BOURNVILLES COZ.....SEE THIS SAMPLE WAT A GOOD CONNECTION BETWEEN THE CHARACTERS. GRT STUFF!
KEEP WRITING!
Sushi here and totally roaring to find out how this goes! (little note, links to the other chapters are located at the right side of the page, thought you might like to know that
)
Since the ivy is creeping I thought that you could use a more floaty word for what the smoke does instead of "coming".This is quite a long sentence with no pauses whatsoever. I liked how you created the feeling of home, although I wish that you didn't use the word "immediately". It makes me feel rushed, like I need to get away from this wonderful sounding place now.
The "shouts" should be CAPPED to follow the grammar rules of ending with a "?".
I feel like there needs to be a comma between "and" and "into" so that the reader doesn't lose their breath.
The "even" that you use in here just doesn't seem to fit in here, like a little bump in the flow.
This makes me wonder what their society is like. I've always been told not to fall asleep in math because I would need it someday, but to think it's useless here, I must find out more. I also thought you might like to notice the "s" in "maths".
Curious as to why you wrote that twice...
The comma when used in this way makes whatever follows feel like an afterthought. Unless you mean it to be so then I would probably remove it.
If you look closely here you might realize that this entire paragraph is really one giant sentence. Also "artifacts" is spelled with an "i" instead of an "e".
Since you put "also" in this, it gives me the feel that it should not be the beginning of a new paragraph, since it is adding to the previous.
You typed "their" twice.
I think you should read this sentence over again and then you'll see what I mean.
Your ending was really nice, kind of giving chills of excitement down the reader's spine. What I would like to point out though, was that what she was thinking wasn't exactly a single though, more like a collection of them. Other than that I am hooked. You must notify me once the next chapter comes out and I shall definitely take a look at it! Keep up the good work and plot twists, never thought that would happen.
Sushi
Thanks! I've posted on your wall.
Hi!
I've read your previous two chapters and I loved both of them and had no criticisms for there at all, I might be your biggest fan!
Anyway, getting down to business, I thought I would skip the previous two and move right on to this chapter because it had no reviews and I thought it deserved one.
What I like:
1) The atmosphere that the character lives in. It's magical and it's historical and it's really hard to pull of that kind of novel but you did it graciously.
2) The strained relationship between mother and daughter. This could potentially mean that the main character has an attitude. I also like how she has an image that she needs to live up to because of her mother's status and her idea that she will not be able to fill that image perfectly - we'll just have to wait and see.
3) I like that Scarlet has mixed feelings about Lane. On one hand she gets nervous around him and on the other hand she is horrified by the idea that he could lean in and kiss her. This creates a basis for a romantic sub-story and I love romantic scenes.
4) I like that Scarlet will go to lengths to satisfy her curiosity even though she might be condemned for it.
What I don't like:
There is nothing that I dislike, except maybe that it ended too early on. I wanted to read on but there was nothing more.
Grammar:
Excellent english!
I hope you will submit further chapters that I will be able to relish in. Good job! Keep it up!
Thanks! I've posted on your wall