My heart's hammering in my chest. I take short, gasping breaths. Taking a cautious step forward, I look into the darkness beyond my watch post. The intruder alarm cuts through the air like a butcher's knife, making my teeth chatter around my jaw. The flashing amber warning lights spin in frantic circles, their illumination dancing on the nearby trees.
The intruder sirens had gone off numerous times during the past eighteen years, but never on my watch, never when it was me who was supposed to know what to do next.
“TO YOUR POSITIONS!” bellows the loudspeakers above my head. Position? What position? Scrambling to my feet and seizing the watchman's spear with my sweaty palm, I crane my neck to see over the balustrade. What am I supposed to be looking for?
No one had actually ever seen one. Well, little Alexa May swore that one with bright blue hair and teeth as long as her arms, came to visit her once in the bathroom, but she had a tendency to let her imagination run away with her.
A sharp crack of branches, like a gunshot in my ears, causes my stomach to shoot up and dive into my throat. Something is here...and judging by the tingling hairs on the back of my neck, it is watching me.
Deciding that I need to at least put up a bit of a fight before this infiltrator rips my head from my quivering shoulders, I gather myself together, stand as tall as possible and point my spear menacingly into the night. I will not back down easily. Even though I might be an eighteen year old teenage girl, I can inject the feeling of dread into others if I so wish!
“H-h-hello?” I whisper pathetically into the trees. Oh yes, you sound the picture of terrifying, I seethe. Furious with myself, I begin again.
“Who's there?” I croak in a surprisingly much lower voice than usual. I fight the temptation to roll my eyes. Unexpected...but better. “You shouldn't be here.”
Nothing.
“I have back-up on the way.”
Nothing.
“I have a spear.”
Nothing.
“A really, really sharp one.”
A short, sharp rustle from directly in front of me almost makes me drop my really, really blunt spear into the undergrowth below. The amber warning lights and the wailing intruder alarm stop abruptly, leaving a mighty void of silence hanging in the air. It is only now that I realise I have been holding my breath.
“FALSE ALARM! STAND DOWN WATCHERS,” booms the loudspeaker, simultaneously being very nearly responsible for my literal demise on the spot.
Wait – what? It's not a false alarm! There is something out there!
“ Ok, ok. Stop toying with me and show yourself. I know you're there.”
Another abrupt rustle comes almost instantly, too loud to be natural, making me bite down on my bottom lip. The metallic taste of blood touches the tip of my tongue. The trees loom over me, whispering to each other with the breeze fluttering through their leaves. It's almost as if they are waiting eagerly for the show to start.
I am just about to let the invader off the hook, and assure them they don't need to let themselves known to me when I see it. Just a slight glimpse. Not for more than a few seconds, but a bright blue pair of eyes were definitely there, glowering right back into my rich amber ones. My mouth falls open wide and I lose the power to speak, to breathe. I have never felt such a mixture of emotions as this moment. One part of me is utterly hypnotized whilst the other half wants to run screaming for the hills.
As quick as it had come, the black shadow with it's scrutinising ocean blue eyes, dissolves back into the night. The whispering forest seems to droop in disappointment. My knees hit the splintered wooden boards of my watch post and I finally let my breath free in a half sob, half hysterical giggle.
Have I just survived a meeting with an Elemental?
Elementals have lived beyond our protective fence for as long as anyone can remember therefore presenting the reason for the said protective fence. No one knows what they do on their side of the shield, how they live, what they eat or even how many of them there actually are.
Legend would have us believe that the Elementals have continually and persistently forced us 'normal' folk down to the southern coast of Sunder, hoping we would eventually fall off the face of the earth into the rolling ocean.
To give them some credit, if this is their life mission, they can't really complain at their progress. My village of Silverpin had somewhat changed in size over the centuries. Changing from the industrious city, to the bustling town, to finally becoming a cramped triangle, squashed under the Southern mountains. In the last ten years or so, the Elementals had clearly decided that their ocean plan was taking far too long so we were now surrounded by them from all sides, pressing us tighter and tighter together. Our population has dwindled to a sparse three hundred and twelve which is the kind of number where everybody knows everything about everyone, even the things that you couldn't even bare your own mother knowing.
Of course, there's also the real reason us 'normal' folk want nothing to do with the Elementals and their world. Their different capabilities. Their spooky powers as it were. The legend claims that they have complete control over fire, water, air and earth. They pass their knowledge down their ever growing lines of generations and train them up to be as competent, if not more powerful, at bending the elements to their will.
The deep suspicion and fear of these magical gifts is exactly the reason I'm where I am right now; doubled over on my wooden, rickety watch post, not daring to believe that I actually just might have stared into the eyes of my sworn enemy.
Silverpin's protective fence had six tall watch posts around its circumference, with square platforms placed high up towards the forest canopy. A different watchman, chosen from the village, is assigned to a post each day and night to undergo their duty.
I am currently on watch post number five, feeling dizzy from the nights unexpected turn of events. The streams of adrenaline are slowly leaving my system, dragging my exhausted and heavy body down with it. Not caring that I am still supposed to be on vigilant guard duty, I fall into a deep and troubled sleep, filled with visions of floating eyes.
End of chapter
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138,475 Literary Works • 672,141 Reviews
Hi! You're friendly neighbourhood Nerd Bird here for a review!
SIlverpin are the cavemen for not embracing their elemental sides perhaps?
I loved this, purely because I was left with a hell of a lot questions but a huge picture of the scene lingered after I finished!
The story seems modern but also fantastical, I love the idea of the elementals and their slow but sure encroachment on Silverpin.
But whats more I love how Silverpin seems all modern and 'structured', watchposts, alarm systems and guard duty and the elementals seem to be the 'cavemen' as it were.
But I suppose in the latter half of the story, its the other way round?
Anyways enough about speculations! Despite not knowing your characters name, I feel all the panic, shock and realization, it is brilliantly written
Would love to know when you've written more(if you shall be)
Magic number whatever it is! (I am steadily running out of creative greetings) But hi!
These are good sentences. I really feel her heart hammering and the panic she must feel. It sucks when you're not prepared and then you're suddenly faced with this huge, important task.
Ooh! Creepy!
I really like your characters. In all your stories they're subtly witty and have very strong personalities.
Great line!
It's just a tiny thing, but I think air and earth would sound better switched around.
You do not disappoint my friend! Everything you write is original. I knew what elementals were from one of my favorite movies Riddick, but you'e created another intriguing world with a plot line I'm sure is fantastic. Maybe you're just about sick of me saying it, but you go! I loved it.
Good morning.
You have absolutely no life.
I just spent the last six hours sleeping.
You spent it reviewing non stop.
Unless you take a break
I will never be able to catch up.
I should say I hate you
but how can I hate such a vigilant attempt
at justice?
The ocean blue eyes bit is a bit frumpy. I mean you said blue then you said ocean, not to mention its terribly cliche and all. On top of that you said scrutinising too. Far too many adjectives make the whole thing like a lump. Writing is not about adjective the whole time, it makes it boring.
This is a long sentence it works, but it actually might me too much. It twists my tongue slightly, especially the first have.
I'm bored. Bye.
Good tidings, and a very merry Christmas from your secret Santa! (ie, me)
Wow, this is a good opening! There's a lot of promise behind this. I can already get a general sense of the character, the scenario, and the world in which these things are taking place. Although her name was never mentioned, I felt that we got to know her in a very familiar way. And I like her - she seems real, and has a bit of a spunky sense of humor.
As far as plot goes, Elementals are by no means a unique design, but like any such fantasy characters, you can make them your own through the way that the story's told. Be sure to find an individualistic way of portraying these characters, and making them stand out from other similar stories.
Now, the only thing I might say is refrain from giving us the backstory of these Elementals so soon. You're jumping the gun a little here, and I think you'd be fine to wait and leave a little mystery as to who (or what) they are fighting. Work to build the suspense and the confusion.
There are already some stellar reviews here correcting grammar mistakes and smaller errors, so I won't go into too much detail here...just be sure to put a few more commas and line breaks in here or there, because there were a few small run-ons and similar issues.
Anyway, with all of this being said, I really liked this story! I'll be back to review the next chapters as soon as I have the chance. Keep writing, and Merry Christmas! xxx
Hey, fellow Flower! Iggy here to review!
This sounds weird. Her teeth clatter around her jaw? Are they longe than her mouth can hold or something?
Two "really" isn't necessary, so you should omit the second one.
You describe her as nervous and scared, yet her words don't display that. She sounds a bit neutral and shruggy here, as if she can't be bothered to fully dictate her words, to full it with commanding power. Also, a little exclamation mark here and there is good.
That should be "its".
It may just be me, but I find it rather odd that she just randomly slumps down and falls asleep. It'd be a different story if she passed out, but falling asleep is pretty odd.
So! This seems promising and interesting thus far. I like the idea of the Elementals, so one suggetion is that you do your best to describe them. Their appearance when she first gets a good glimpse, if they can speak, what sounds they make. Don't disappoint! Also, do more to explain their powers. I know that they an control the four elements, but why? What exactly do they do? Do they bend the trees to be their homes, do they extract water from the lake to drink, do they use air to fly?
I look forward to reading more!
~ Iggy.
Hello! Nice work here. I love the description you used. I especially liked, "The flashing amber warning lights spinning in frantic circles, their illumination dancing on the nearby trees." I also liked the element of humor. Comic relief often a great asset to a story but usually hard to execute. You did it quite nicely. Your tone is very conversational, and I felt like this is a character I'll be rooting for. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
Hey there Olive, Stella here- I'm going to be reviewing all three of your chapters now! Also if you want a consistent reviewer for future chapters who knows what's going on in the story, you should drop me a note when you post new ones
I liked this! I did- it was nicely written, it was a great opening, I really enjoyed it! But as always I have a few suggestions
-we never find out your character's name, do we? Currently I don't even know if it's a male or female. I suggest you rectify this. From the beginning we should have a handle on our PoV character because that's for whom we'll be looking and rooting throughout the entire story.
-the time period is fuzzy- spears... but loudspeakers? What century is this? It didn't make much sense to me- maybe it will in time but for now I was a bit confused by it all.
-at first I didn't like the fact that you hadn't explained what the intruders were from the beginning but in retrospect it was a good idea. However, the history lesson at the end. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice history lesson- it was well-written and it wasn't too infodumpy, you've got a great voice that made it a really easy read! BUT I think that it could be left until a little bit later on in the story. At the very beginning we want ACTION and STORY, not backstory. If you literally cut and pasted that elsewhere I think it would work much better a bit later on after we have our main character and first couple of plot points established.
But generally good job!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Ooh, a fantastic opening!
Haha, and I know there are walls and fences everywhere in fiction, but the bright blue eyes part made me think first of Game of Thrones and the wall. Do all elementals have bright blue eyes, or just the air/water ones? I am also curious as to why they have bright blue eyes, and if that means it's like a teal, or really light light natural blue eyes.
Anywhoo, let's see. I LOVED the way you built tension. I loved this character speaking out into the forest and lying about his/her spear. I was enthralled at the moment when the loud speaker called off the alarm as a false alarm, but she/he was still left to deal with whatever was out there in those trees. I also love the fact that instead of seeing an attack, we just glimpse the eyes and then it really does become safe. It contrasts well with the explanation of the lore: how the elementals are trying to drive them into the sea.
Of course, such an interesting opening leaves me with a lot of questions, too. How reliable is this opinion of the elementals? Obviously they've made progress in isolating the town. (It's also great that you've brought practically all of the humanity we care about into such a small space and such intimacy with one another.) Does that mean they ARE trying to run out these regular humans? Do they LOOK like humans, and just have weird eyes and stuff, or do they look like monsters, and that's kind of why people are so afraid of them? This is a really important distinction, because lots of humans are afraid of things that don't look like them, but fighting and fending off elementals that have the same general features would bring up a lot more questions and doubts in the guards.
I also wonder if this character has heard any stories about the other watch alarms and the results of those. Do they end in death? Has anyone been killed by these elementals, and if so, how?
Lots and lots of questions!
The last thing before I go: please don't end the chapter by having your character fall to sleep. Just bring the scene to a close naturally. This doesn't have to always be by blacking out or sleeping or whatever. The sleeping didn't feel natural to me -- she did have a lot of adrenaline in her, so how could she sleep so easily!?
Welp, on to chapter two for you, my fellow fire flower.
Good luck and lemme know through PM if you have any questions~
I love the detail you described throughout the chapter. But I think you should describe the setting more at the beginning at the story. Such as where it took place. The story is pretty good so far.
Hello! Sushi here thinking that I should check out your Elemental story, I assume this is it
.
I think that you might need to spread out your usage of the word "my" in this sentence. They're just too close to sound natural.The bellowed is supposed to be capitalized. This really confused me but just because the exclamation point is inside the parenthesis it doesn't affect rules of capitalization.
This line was slightly confusing. Diving is a downward motion, and since the throat is above the stomach I didn't think that "diving" would be the correct word. If you meant that the stomach "went past" the throat then back should be included. That was my speech for that barely confusing matter
[quote[“Who's there?” I croaked in a surprisingly much lower voice than usual. I fought the temptation to roll my eyes. Unexpected...but better. “You shouldn't be here.”[/quote] Since no one different is talking this should not be a new paragraph.
I absolutely loved this! It was pretty funny and really helped the reader start to know who was telling the story.
Overall you have a really awesome story being told here. I like how you started it out "slow", nothing too dreastic, but nothing boring either. What I didn't like all that much was yout sentence structure. You tend to use commas where periods could be used and nothing where commas are needed. I think that if you go back and read your work again you will be able to see what I mean. Notify me once the next chapter is up please! I can't wait to see what happens next, or what the main character's name is.
Never mind, just found the next chapter
Wooooooooow I like it. Fantasy doesn't usually attract me, but you have done it. Okay, here goes my shpeal.
Your character is excellent and very funny indeed. I really like him. He seems real, not a cliche, overly-likable boy character, he's quirky and funny and your style of writing creates narration that furthers his person. I like that and I can't wait to see how he interacts with other people.
I also really like the direction you've got going with the elementals. The way they're sort of villainous is great because they're a threat but not unbelievalby so. The encounter with the girl was great because it made us curious about her, but didn't reveal too much about her. The way you left us was good because you now have room to lead us and your character on with her. There are so many ways this could go, I love it.
Again, I like the goal of the elementals and the mystery around them. One thing I didn't get was why they hated the normal people. I did notice though that since none of the normal people know much about them and what they do know is purely legend there are infinite possibilities to what they actually are. Ermahgerd I like this. I like this a lot. I think I shall follow you, good chap. Keep writing this, I command you. Or I will cry. I want to know what happens. Fo real.
Thanks so much! Really happy that you loved it - I loved writing it!
I'm still trying to figure the ins and outs of the reasons the Elementals and Humans are separated but I think I've finally cracked it.
It won't be long until chapter 2 is up!
Thanks again....
I've just posted chapter 2
Wow, this is really fantastic!
This first chapter was great for grabbing the readers’ attention.
I actually really like how it’s very descriptive about the exact moment throughout but not about things in general. It helps to grab attention and not confuse us with too much detail and background, just enough. Though yes that means there is a lot of mystery and questions we’re now asking, which is great of course. That’s what makes people want to read on is to get those questions answered. Just make sure that you don’t leave those question unanswered too long or you could lose us. Things like who is this girl, more details about her life and such.
I honestly don’t have any criticism fantastic writing style, the plot seems like it’s going to work well. I have high hopes for the character though I haven’t learned much about her yet, that is to come.
The only mistake I found was “Never when it as me who was supposed to know what to do next.”
“as” I assume should be “was”, just a matter of reading it over for those typos before posting.
Nice work!
Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
I'm also glad you brought up the question of the background questions too...I think its partly so vague because I want to leave a bit of mystery - and partly because I'm still trying to sort out the ins and outs of the plot!
I think I've almost cracked it
Thanks for the review - its really appreciated.
Just posted chapter 2
Hi there! Welcome to the site!
You have completely and totally grabbed my attention. These are the kind of novels that I like to read. The idea of these elementals living so close to the 'Norman's and wanting to drive them off into the ocean is pretty cool. I would like to know a little more about these elementals though. Do they look like the 'normal' people? Do they all have blue eyes like that or does their eye color relate to the powers that they have? And why is there a barrier cutting them off from the 'normal' people. I know that this is just the first chapter, but I suggest adding a little background info. Maybe just a sentence or two that kinda summarizes what the elementals did to force the 'normal' people to create this barrier to keep them out.
Your character development is good. I feel like I know a lot about your character even though I just started reading. I like the way you introduced your main character. Along with strong opening lines(which I will get to later on) I preach good character development. And in my opinion, a real effective way to develop a character is to throw them into a dangerous or demanding situation and see what they do. People's true colors show when put under pressure. And that's exactly what you've done.
From reading this, I can tell that your character is determined and smart. Like when the alarms went off, she/he (I'm not sure which...you might wanna add a subtle hint in this chapter somewhere like her long hair or his hot coworker) wasn't sure where to go or what to look for. But he/she got up and went anyway. Even when the rustling in the bushes started, he/she kept pursuing.
Alright, I'm just going to refer t your character as a he. I apologize if they're a she, but I really need to stop writing he/she. It's kinda annoying. Anyway...
I also learned that your character loves to sleep XD No, for real though, you did well developing your character. Just remember that character development doesn't stop here. You'll have to continue to develop him throughout your novel. There's always something new to learn about your characters. Think about it, when you make a new friend, it takes a while to get to know all about them. It's the same thing with characters. You must develop them even tithe bitter end. I wrote a novel for camp NaNo (if you don't know what camp NaNo is then ask me about it cause it's freakin awesome!!!) and even in the last few chapters I was introducing things about my main character. So keep up the good work with your character.
Alrighty then onto discussing your first line.
So this is a good start. It's a nice bit of action, really. You may be just describing how your character is feeling, but nobody feels like that when absolutely nothing is going on. There's gotta be something going on here and I like how you introduced that. There is a way that I would suggest you write this though. Not that it's not good the way it is, because it is, but there's a way you could make it better; add some drama to it. Here's how I'd suggest writing it:
"My heart's hammering in my chest. I take short, gasping breaths. Taking a cautious step forward, I look into the darkness beyond my watch post."
So with these short, choppy sentences, you give off a nice intense feeling and really set the scene for the incident or whatever I should call it. The strange encounter; let's call it that. And the first sentence, "My heart's hammering in my chest". Tell me that doesn't interest you, get your brain working. Your thinking about why his heart is hammering, what is going on, where is he. There are so many questions that arise from those simple, seven words. So now you've got the reader's attention and they're going to read on.
Overall this is a great start. Like I mentioned before, I really like your concept and your character. I think it's quite original and I can't wait to see where it goes. Please let me know when you post the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
P.S. I apologize for any weird spelling mistakes in this review. I'm typing this on my tablet and t tends to go autocorrect happy every so often... -_-
WOW! The advice is much appreciated.
Will definitely keep you posted on the next installment!
The main character is a girl by the way! And I've actually never thought about that you can't tell this from the first chapter (I guess it's just because I obviously know she's girl - I didn't think to mention it!)
I really love your suggestion on the opening line. You're right - it does add a little more to it.
Regarding the background into the Elemental's - I'm still trying to figure out the plot lines with this, (I hope this is normal) & in this moment in time the main character really doesn't have the foggiest about what they look like. There's so many diverse accounts of these creatures that no ones quite sure which ones are true.
Thanks again
Just posted chapter 2
Hullo (again)!
This really captured my interest - I like how you used the beginning event as bait to hook the reader in, and then explained some things about the setting afterwards. The imagery was great - good job with that!
Only two things I'd correct here. In the fourth-to-last paragraph, in the last sentence, it should be "bear" instead of "bare". In the last sentence of the paragraph after that I think it would be better to put commas around "if not more powerful" just so it flows a little better and doesn't seem like too long of a sentence without commas.
Besides that, this was awesome! I can't wait to find out what happens next. Keep writing and be confident! ^_^
Thank you! For your advice and encouragement. The relief is unbelievable..haha!
Will keep you posted on the next installment.
Just posted chapter 2