A milky pink line is beginning to creep its way over the tree tops. The morning sun rise is minutes away and stirs me from my fitful sleep. I'm immediately up on my knees, staring wildly around looking for the monster that's been hunting me in my nightmares. My shoulders relax when I realise I'm alone. I push my long tangles of russet coloured hair from my amber eyes and try to squint away my exhausted, fuzzy thoughts. Somehow, the expectant daylight makes me feel safe from whatever is hiding in the dark depths of the forest even though I still can't shake the feeling that 'it' hasn't gone very far.
I rack my brains for any information about the Elementals that I may have buried away somewhere, deep in memory. I reminisce back to the first day of my tutoring to work on the guard posts. The trainees sat in bored rows as Donald, Silverpin's head of security, explained the dos and don'ts of watch-post procedure. After we had been given the run down of why we should never wear bright, reflective clothing whilst on duty, I clearly recall a young girl called Ellen asking, “But why do they want to harm us? Why do they hate us?” Donald stared at Ellen a moment before he answered, as though he had never been asked such a question.
“Well, because they think of us as useless of course!” Donald said, as though Ellen was beyond stupid. “We are of no importance to them so why should we take up more space than necessary?” I remember most of the trainees nodding along to this explanation whilst Ellen offered an unintelligent “whatever” to the proceedings but all I had heard from Donald was uncertainty. He had no idea why the Elementals wanted us gone, he had just been given the tasking of keeping them out of Silverpin.
Heavy plodding footsteps and a cheerful whistling breaks the tension of my racing mind. Someone is coming to relieve me of duty. I peer over the balustrade and groan inwardly when I catch a glimpse of who is my releaser. My best friend Lane is the one person I never want to lie to no matter how crazy I might sound.
“Hey, Scarlet!” he shouts from the forest floor, peering through his long eyelashes and mop of dark hair. “I'll be right up.”
“Ok,” I croak. Why am I so nervous? It's only Lane.
I wait and watch with sweaty palms and a dry throat as a pair of hands appear over the edge of my watch post. Lane clambers up and flashes me the same easy grin that is permanently attached to his lips.
“Tough night?” Lane asks. How does he know? I peek out of the corner of my eyes to see if the elemental is already there, towering over me, claws out, ready to devour me. It isn't of course. I silently curse little Alexa May and her stories.
“You look like you've seen a ghost, Scar!” he chuckles.
“Oh. Don't be silly, Lane.” I snap back. What is wrong with me? It's not his fault. “Sorry. I'm just tired. Anything new in the village?”
“Oh, you know. The usual,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “Julia is banishing more people from the market square and Ted has scorched himself trying to get at Magda's soup...again. Eddy is looking after the new foal and in other news, Meg and her idiotic friends haven't left me in peace once. Nothing is ever new in the village, Scar.”
“There's no law against liking you, Lane,” I laugh at his huffy expression.
“No, but I'm sure there are laws against psycho stalking, harassment and general inappropriate touching.”
I had noticed a long time ago that Lane seemed to have this effect on the young girls in Silverpin. Meg followed him everywhere, trying to pretend that she wasn't of course, and flicked her golden curls in Lane's general direction at least ninety three times a day. The girls also did that foolish high pitched giggling that I have never quite understood. It's just an irritating noise. My unattractive snorting was much more fun as Lane often pointed out.
I look at Lane more closely for a moment whilst he scuffs his shoes on the fading, wooden boards. It's true that he is the best looking guy in Silverpin with his glossy dark hair, to die for eyelashes and that easy smile he gives out so often. I have just never seen him in that way. Lane is the one I spend most of my time with, go fishing with, practise spear fighting with and have my favourite memories with. He is my person. So why haven't I told him about the Elemental yet?
“Um, Lane? What have you been told about the Elementals in the past?”
“Same as you I 'spect, Scar. They want to get rid of us and we have to do our best to stop them from getting too close. Why?” he replies, frowning. I shrug, trying to look uninterested in the answer to my question.
“I am a bit jealous of them though,” he continues. “They have so much land to explore and live in. If they cannot bear someone that they live with, they can just pack up and move one hundred miles away!” I snort, thinking of Meg's face watching Lane pack his bags just to be rid of her once and for all.
“Why do you think no one has ever seen one though?” I push, sounding as casual as possible. An annoying voice nudges me in the back of my self-conscious and calls me a filthy liar. Shut up.
“I don't know. Maybe no one has been looking hard enough. Or maybe they don't exist!” Lane laughs. “Now that would be a turn up for the books. Protecting ourselves against something that isn't even there!”
Oh, they're definitely out there. I just need to find out what they want.
“I'm beat, Lane,” I yawn, my eyes watering with exhaustion, noticing the sun has completed it's morning routine. “I'll see you tonight.”
“Mm hmm,” he murmurs back, already distracted. He does this all the time; blocks me out and loses himself in his daydreams.
I pause and turn to look at my best friend before leaving for the day. “Be careful out here, Lane.” He just chuckles and waves a hand at me in dismissal.
I scramble down the ladder and instantly feel like a pair of watchful eyes have finally left my back. I breathe out a sigh of relief.
I begin the short walk home, hurrying along the beaten path pounded by the many feet belonging to the guards of watch post five. The forest, lining Silverpin's perimeter, looms over me as I trundle along. The bay willow trees sway their drooping leaves lazily in the morning breeze whilst birds begin singing their first melodies of the day.
I would notice the simple, jaw-dropping beauty of this more if I wasn't running my quickly formed plan through my mind. I already had a pretty good idea where I could get the information concerning the Elementals that I sought but the problem was how I would be able to get my hands on it. I knew that it was stowed away under lock and key. Plus, the person who kept a watchful eye over said location was vigilant, sharp and overly suspicious.
My mother isn't the easiest woman to get around.
End of chapter
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138,488 Literary Works • 672,142 Reviews
Your friendly neighbourhood Nerd Bird here for a review!
poking a bit of fun at her family, great little personality trait reveal 
"I push my long tangles of russet coloured hair from my amber eyes"
Too much colour descriptives, im sure you can separate them by a few sentences
as mentioned already by a previous comment, you may want to change tutoring to training, or if not, maybe change trainees to new recruits?
Also, mentioning names within dialogue does seem a bit unnatural as previously mentioned, perhaps a nickname every once in a while but not whole names with every sentence
This may be me being picky but when you describe Lane for the first time you mentioned his lushious hair and his amazing lashes, then mere paragraphs later you repeat this observation but just word it differently, we already know about these amazing features, give us more that we dont already know!
For some reason this sentence seems a muddle of adjectives: "The bay willow trees sway their drooping leaves lazily in the morning breeze," tone it down a little bit to match your style of writing
I love the ending
I shall continue reading!
I'm on my way to having read all your stuff! Does that excite you? No? Not really...?
I think this should be changed to "training" especially since it says "trainees" in the very next sentence. It fits into the context better.
This is a good sentence, it has vivid imagery as well.
Not that you can't use the word "whilst" I've just seen it at least three or four times and it's sticking out at me for some reason. Maybe once or twice it could be replaced with a different word?
Haha, I like the ending, it's clever. So overall this is good. I have a weird thing about people saying other people's names. Like were this to be an actual conversation would she have said his name so many times? Things like that feel a little unnatural to me and slow the conversation down. Just cutting a few of those endings out and the conversation will flow more naturally. I like the background being set up, my mind is really starting to form a vision of what the village is like and the narrator's relationships. I shall read on.
I feel like you used memory and reminisce way too close to each other. It makes me as a reader feel like you wanted to portray the idea of a memory so you just threw in random memory works. You should be more careful.
I had this weird sense of de ja vu. You use the word vigilant near the end of the last chapter too. Don't freak me out.
Its nice but its off. You have a story about some girl with monsters and guard posts and getting attacked then all of a sudden she takes a nice little walk along a beautiful over- descriptive forest. Ah the sweet life.
Bye.
Hey! Here as promised.
Ha, I agree with everyone else! That was an excellent way to end the chapter, with that single sentence, so good job on that! It makes me curious, an excellent cliff hanger, to know who her mother is.
As for Lane.. Hmm. The guy that all the girls want? Handsome, to die for lashes? Merely her best friend? Sounds a bit too cliche to me, and as the reader, the rebellious, always-wanting-unique-and-original part of me demands that they never get together, because that always happens! The popular guy falls for the unnoticeable girl. Hunger Games, Twilight, it's been done too many times.
Other than that, nice job! I have found your grammar skills to be excellent this far, so looking forward to chapter three!
~ Iggy.
And another great work by Olive! Nice ending! More of that humor I loved in your first chapter. Again, nice description. I enjoyed your imagery of Scarlet's natural surroundings. I also liked Lane's description of village life. It makes the reader feel comfortable, as if they'd known the characters their whole lives. The bit about Meg made me laugh. Keep writing!
ahahahaha THAT ENDING. It was beautiful. Really really beautiful- good job!
On the other hand- Lane. Eh. I don't like this whole "heartthrob but never seen him in that way but let me describe his beauty and he likes me best" thing (I'm sure there's a proper trope name for that). It just gets to me- I would have liked to see something a bit stronger. Firstly, there was no need for Scarlet to describe his looks in such luscious detail if she "doesn't see him like that"- calling him the best-looking guy in the village if you're not at all attracted to him seems a little counter-intuitive. Overall I just thought the introduction to their friendship was a bit... meh. I really would have liked to see something a little more original than that- and if Lane then became a love interest I would be even more upset. It's just that it's been done so many times and I'd love to see a brand new dynamic come on scene every once in a while!
Other than that, I liked their discussion about the Elementals, and I really can't wait for this next chapter with her mother in it! One thing I got confused about- what about their farms? Is all farming inside the village gates as well? I felt like it was literally just a village but it would make a lot more sense for it to be a whole settlement.
One other thing- when she asks for information about the village- isn't everybody asleep?! How could there be news?!
But mostly nice job!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Perfect ending to this chapter. It introduces a new character and puts a lot of life into her already.
I'm also glad some of my questions about the elementals were covered in this chapter. I'm glad to know that there's some guy in charge that kind of just says "do what I say" and they follow his orders. That leaves the situation open for revealing a different answer later.
I'm not sure I quite believe the friendship between Scar and Lane, though. Especially not when Scar says things like "oh my laugh was so much better, but i don't like him and his to-die for eyelashes that way". It seems over done and unreal. Think about people you know in real life and how they have friendships and how they enter into relationships and keep those same rules for your writing. Otherwise, your readers will sit here saying, "I already know they're going to end up together, so I don't even have to root for their relationship, because it's a given." That's no fun. If they're best friends, Scar shouldn't even register those details about him. I know you want to, because you're the author, but you're in Scar's head. Don't let her speak for you. Let her speak for herself.
Also, I don't think people are necessarily ever really that annoyed about people paying attention to them unless the people are ugly and annoying. This girl seems cute and pretty, so it comes off as the author wanting to put down what he/she is jealous of or had troubles with in the past. I know how it feels. I hated the popular girls, too, but that fight has no place in your writing!
Hopefully I can hop over to part three before the night is over.
Lemme know if you have questions or comments about this review, too~
Keep writing~
Oooh! I'm excited about this chapter. I feel like you have some good interpersonal relationships going on here between Scarlet and the other guards, and I'm terribly excited to meet Scarlet's mother. I have a horrible fondness for family drama myself. I also like how Scarlet and her comrades are basically left in the dark about their adversaries, and how their elders seem to have some sort of a hidden vendetta against the ever-elusive Elementals that also seems to stem from their own insecurities. It reminds me a lot of the X-Men, if that doesn't sound too corny.
It's a lot like how normal people (even in actual society today) are terrified and simultaneously jealous of those who possess qualities or abilities that they themselves cannot fathom or live up to. I also have a deep-seated fondness for injustice and inequality (not in and of themselves) and stories about people who manage to overcome them, even when the truer adversaries wind up being the people they call friends and family (though I hope I'm not jumping the gun here and making assumptions). I'm very, very excited for the next chapter! Keep it up! You've got a lot of great qualities and characters going on in this story.
Hi there!
Somehow I get all that from just the name. Who knows. Anyway...
So I'm really impressed with this chapter! It's written well and it's a great continuation of the story. The story is going well and I like the introduction of a new character here. I can't wait to see what kind of trouble Scarlet and Lane get into. Confession: I love the name Lane! For real. I feel like he's some huge macho, very attractive dude
Like I said, this is a good chapter. It's a great little spat of dialogue in which you develop your character even more. Now that Scarlet has a friend, we can see how she is with her people skills. She seems quite social to me. And now you've got me wondering if the two of them will end up together. I'd like to know a little bit about their past. I'm sure you'll add background information in later chapters, but I just wanted to point it out in case you weren't thinking about it just yet.
As for content, I like the way this story is going. It's really drawn me in and I'm excited to read more. This world you've created is very interesting and I can't wait to find out more about it.
Now for the fun part...critiques! (note the ultimate sarcasm in that last statement)
*alright, this is good description. But the whole 'stiring me from my nightmares' thing bothers me. Think about it. I know you've had nightmares before. When you wake up from them, you're kind of freaking out right? Even with that dream when you're falling, you wake up and find yourself trying to stop yourself from falling, right? Nothing about waking up from a nightmare is peaceful, which is what you're suggesting by saying she was stirred from sleep. You should find another way to describe her waking up. Like maybe saying she opened her eyes and they darted around, looking for the great monster chasing her in her dreams. Something like that. And then you could mention the sunrise once she sees it.
*I understand that these are her thoughts, but they don't have to be in italics because you're writing in 1st person POV. The beauty of this POV is that the reader gets to be inside of the main character's head. Because of that, thoughts don't have to be italicized. You can just leave it as is and everyone will know that it's what Scarlet is thinking anyway. There's a few times later on when you do the same thing just to give you a head's up.
*okay, I just wanted to point out a few times where you switched from present tense to past tense. I think these may be the only two times you do it so I pointed them out for you. I've noticed that when I'm writing in present tense, I revert back to past tense without noticing it. And then I'll realize it and have to go back and change it all. It's so easy to do because you're probably so used to writing in past tense like the rest of the world. And then it becomes second nature and you start to revert back to it. So just be careful of this from now on.
*can someone yawn loudly? Well, I guess they can, but I'm not a big fan of the description. Maybe instead you could say that she yawned obnoxiously or stretched out her arms and neck or something like that. That way you still get the effect, but without describing it as a loud yawn. But it works either way so you can describe it however you want. I'm just giving my opinion.
*so a downfall to writing in first person POV is that you're limited to your main character's view of the world. So you can't say that Lane is 'lost in his daydreams of adventures' because you can't get inside of his head. You can say something along the lines of this:
With it written like this ^ then it works with the whole first person POV. Now Scarlet is describing Lane's actions through her own eyes. See how that works?
Overall this is a good chapter. I really like your character and I can't wait to see what kind of trouble she gets into. Please continue to work on this. It's a great storyline and I can't wait to read more.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Noelle
Thanks for the advice!
I've changed a few things here and there from your suggestions! It's so nice to be able to know what can be improved from someone else's point of view.
Thanks again - chapter 3 won't be too long I hope!
Oh and I love the thought of Lane too..! He's really fun to write and I definitely have someone in mind for him who I think you'll approve of
Sushi here!
This line is a little too lengthy for my tastes. You might want to add a little more puntuation to let the reader breath if they read aloud.I'm not entirelysure but since someone new is speaking I think that this may have to be a new paragraph.
Before you said he had a "mop of dark hair" but now it's glossy. This may just be me but I think that these two descriptions don't agree.
I like how you don't really say it was her mother. This is a good way of describing someone without being blunt, but getting your point across. Wonderful way of ending this chapter, I look forward to seeing how she gets information on the Elementals. Just remember capitalization with quotes and your overall sentence structure. Now you can notify me when chapter three is up.
It was a great chapter it really held my attention
Yes, it really was a great chapter. I am curious as to what OliveDreams does in the future
Hi Sushi..Thanks for you reviews
They're much appreciated. I have gone over and corrected a few things due to your suggestions! I'm glad to say it now reads a little better.
Thanks again