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Dear life,

by OceanGirl

This journey never ends,

and no tears are left to mend,

For years to come and go,

hoping to end this so,


For this journey I never asked,

now, bumped with all the tasks,

here I come world, only with a flask!


Tied my hair up, sire

ready to lit like the fire,

Shall stand at the doors to guard,

for all the hiccups to be barred.




Dear reviewers, 

I just happened to write this very spontaneously after 6 years or so...kindly don't judge my creative juices XP 

Thank you in advance for all the helpful reviews!

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18 Reviews

Points: 41
Reviews: 18

Wed Dec 16, 2020 1:36 pm
lillianna wrote a review...

hello hello! i’m lillianna, and i’m here to review your poem today! i hope this will be helpful for you :)

ok let’s start with the first stanza: this might be personal preference, but i find it a little heavy on the rhyming. i think you should lean towards finding almost rhymes for some of them, just so it’s not so much of a tongue twister. otherwise, you did an excellent job of introducing it.

next, the second stanza: again, the heavy rhyming. i don’t exactly understand the last line there. talking about a flask, i don’t understand how this ties in with the journey of life.

the third stanza: this is my favourite stanza. it has a wonderful flow and takes a break from the super heavy rhyming that reminds of a tongue twister. i think the imagery is wonderful and paints a picture in my mind, which is exactly what a poet should do!

wonderful job on this, especially after six years XD. i think your message was pretty clear and the imagery is beautiful. thank you for reading, i hope this was helpful, and keep on writing! you have so much talent!

User avatar
561 Reviews

Points: 31500
Reviews: 561

Mon Dec 14, 2020 8:50 pm
Atticus wrote a review...

Hey there OceanGirl! Tuck here with a review for you.

I'm excited to see that you're jumping back into writing and seeking some feedback on that work! Since you didn't leave any requests for specific feedback (which is totally fine!), I'm gonna jump into some overall impressions and then go into detail about my favorite parts and some areas I think could be improved.

The first thing I noticed about this poem is the short lines, small stanzas, and rhyme scheme (I suppose that's 3 things). The short lines and short stanzas have the effect of short, poignant, punchy lines that deliver quick messages and build up to an overall message. The rhyme scheme, when paired with this, lightens the tone and mood of the poem and makes it seem younger and less serious. I provide this analysis so that you are aware of the effect that your poem is having on the reader for your editing purposes. If you don't want this specific effect, then you should make some structural overhauls here. However, if this is what you were going for, then you should feel satisfied with what you have here! The rhyme scheme is the only part of those three components that I think should be reconsidered. The reason for this is that each rhyme felt forced, meaning it seems as though it limited the words you felt you could choose to end the lines. While oldschool teachings have held that rhyming is a requirement of poetry, I would argue that rhyme is not in fact necessary and can sometimes even limit poems. It is a powerful element of poetry, but if it's holding you back from using word choice to reach the poem's full potential and express yourself fully, it's best to drop it.

On a more specific note, I think that this is your most powerful line:

Tied my hair up, sire

This is my favorite line, and I believe the line with the most potential, because it uses a real, concrete image to demonstrate a more abstract theme. The image here is that of tying up hair, which conjures the mental image of someone securing their hair out of their face and above their neck so that it is no longer in the way. The abstract theme that is connected to that is the idea of hard work and initiative. When I think of someone tying up their hair, I assume that they are about to engage in some kind of work that requires their hair to be out of their face. It may just involve concentration (for example, I remember seeing some of my classmates tie their hair up before taking an essay exam), or it may involve physical labor (I also remember seeing my soccer teammates tie their hair up before a game). Either way, they are taking the initiative to construct an environment (even one this small-scale) that lends itself to success.

In contrast, I believe your first two stanzas are comparably weaker. They don't include those same specific images that involve the senses and draw the reader into the story. They don't contain any connections to a more abstract plane of reasoning that contains a deeper message that will stick with the reader and influence and impact them long after they've finished reading the poem and closed this tab. To improve these stanzas, I would encourage the inclusion of imagery (whether it's visual, audial, tactical, smell-ial, etc.) to connect those concrete images to abstract (and thereby impactful) ideas. You could also throw in some figurative language as a part of that goal. The best way (in fact, arguably the only way), in my experience, to grow as a poet is to become a master of tying the abstract to the concrete via imagery.

I apologize for the philosophical direction this review took! I hope that my suggestion of incorporating some more imagery and my analysis of the effects of some of your stylistic choices were helpful to you. If you have any questions or concerns, or if there's any area I can clarify, please reach out!

Enjoy the rest of your day!


You can not put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator.
— alliyah