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by OceanGirl

Oh confict, Oh conflict,
why is there a war?
why this sorrow?
when will peace arrive?,
and give us happiness throughout our lives,
People dying everywhere,
making everbody's life miserable!
Why is there war?
for whom?
children crying for their motherly hood,
Where people contributing their money
how much ever they could
Darkness around the war arena,
When will bright light arrive?,
For all these questions,
we find no answers,
After all its conflict.......

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1318 Reviews

Points: 23911
Reviews: 1318

Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:56 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, there, Sapphire! As promised, I'm here to fill in for your Deadbeat Secret Santa and fulfill the two reviews you were supposed to get for Christmas.

Okay, I want to start with one thing I thought was particularly interesting. I think this might have been a typo, but I'm not sure:

children crying for their motherly hood,

I guess, usually we think about children crying for their mothers. Children wouldn't cry for their motherhood when they've never had it. Or, it might be implying that mothers have been turned back into children because of the way they cannot stop the war. Then they cry for the future of their children, the result of their motherhood, because they know war will still be there.
But that's still not what you wrote. You wrote motherly hood. I think it could be interesting if you tried to make the meaning clear.

If this was a result of trying to write with a rhyme scheme, I'd advise you to avoid making up phrases to complete rhyme schemes! They might technically complete the lines remaining that you need, but all your readers will get thrown off by the awkwardness. You can do better than that!

I also wanted some more images in this poem. I think some bright, specific moments would bring a vibrancy to your description and remind us of the reality of the philosophy you're exploring. Also, I'm not quite sure I understand the ending of your poem. You say, we find no answers to questions BECAUSE it's conflict, but that doesn't make logical sense, does it? Conflict just means two sides are fighting. Some kinds of conflict can be resolved and answers can be found. Hmm. I'd rework it!

The other thing I thought had a lot of potential was the way you put your concept of war into an arena. The physical space you brought into your poem in that moment was a really powerful anchor for your readers. The contrast of the dark outside the arena and the potential of the bright light (which I imagined light a floodlight over a nighttime football game) is sharp and supports your topic! Nice~

So, good luck editing!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Keep writing~

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7 Reviews

Points: 831
Reviews: 7

Fri Sep 28, 2012 7:27 pm
LovelyTeaRoses wrote a review...

There are a lot of grammatical errors in this poem. I'm going to copy and paste parts that need work.
"when will peace arrive?,"
There doesn't need to be a comma after the quotation mark.

"making everbody's life miserable!"
Should be making everybody's life miserable.

"children crying for their motherly hood,"
What does this mean? Mother hood? I'm confused.

"When will bright light arrive?,"
Again, that comma.

"After all its conflict......."
It should be it's as it is. Also, there should only be three dots (ellipses).

Another point, the capitalization seems random. Please take a look at that.

Resistance is futile.
— The Borg