Hi there OS2000! This is Kays here dropping in for another review as requested. I see that this poem is shorter which is probably easier to digest as well. I'm also a little more awake while writing this one so without further ado, FULL STEAM AHEAD.
Okay, let's start with a question. This is based off of the epic poem Paradise Lost, yes? I recognize the first quote but I haven't personally read the piece so forewarning that I'm not going to be able to compare or make a connection to the work that this is inspired by. I can see that this poem is already doing better off aesthetically than the last and contains a flow that's a bit easier to work with. The vocabulary is again a strong point of the piece and while word choice can bring a lot to a poem this edges on using advanced words for the sake of being advanced. Concrete imagery along with strong verbs and nouns instead of adjectives are both aspects that can be enhanced here for a better set-up for the atmosphere and whatnot. Adjectives can get tiring and repetitive and generally there are a couple in a row near the end that can be swapped out or substituted and played around with.
We often wonder how we are to be,
Repetition holds us in the mundane,
Locks us in a vicious cycle, keeps us.
I read the first three lines aloud to get a taste for the flow. With that I'm going to suggest to put a period after 'cycle'. The other part I wanted to mention is the two words that come after--they aren't necessary needed? They're worded a little awkwardly at the very least.
Another reason why I get the notion that you're actively attempting to be fancy is the wording which is a little more traditional than usual. I don't care much for the whole playing around with diction because that's not what I came to read. This even gets a little annoying later on in the poem because it gets to the point where it's distracting. You have a tendency to use a lot of enjambment and punctuation--usually I find poems the other way around with end-stops at the end of each poetic line but this is a problem as well if you're going to be using periods.
Going back to the wording, lines eight and nine are the worst culprits of this in the piece. There doesn't need to be a comma after 'it' and I can only assume that 'thronged in distant seraphim' is talking about the highest angels in the hierarchy in a sacred text filled in this paradise from afar. There is a scene to describe here hut there isn't a lot of describing done. What does the paradise look like? What do the seraphim look like? Can you compare them to anything? Can you give us more detail?
Figurative language doesn't seem to be a common device in your poetry and I'm going to suggest to use more or at least play around with this. Figurative language is metaphors and similes or personification and symbolism. These are all different ways that make channeling imagery into a poem easier and not only that, the reader can better connect or visualize with these. If the audience knows what a herd of sheep is like then they'd probably be able to imagine the seraphim if you told them that they were all together in one place like a herd of sheep. That's just an example because I can't actually visualize what they're supposed to look like in the distance!
Overall this isn't to say that I don't enjoy your poetry, because I do. I enjoyed this poem but I do believe that there's a lot of potential that's yet to be unlocked. The theme is particularly strong in this piece though, I must say. Keep experimenting and playing around with this! If it seems I went a little picky it's because I want to see your poetry improve and be even stronger because you have the capability to do that with practice. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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