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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hi there OS2000. This is Kays here dropping in for the final requested review! Let's skip the intro and jump right in for the second time. I accidentally deleted the whole review except for the opening which means I am writing this up with a bit of frustration (which is definitely not your fault because I wanted to comment and critique on this third poem) and will hit all of the same points from memory.
At least I know what all I wanted to say now. The first stanza starts off philosophical and generally I can see that being the tone of the poem. Previously I compared the word choice here (which is fabulous, let's get that out of the way first) to complementary colors. After this I re-compared the word choice to something a bit more accurate--fashion. This poem is an outfit. This poem's got style. What I mean by this is that none of the words or vocabulary feel out of place here.
Previously I made the exact same point in better wording, so I don't want to spend too much time here. Basically, the word choice is a strong element here and that's well done because this piece owns a suit and tie and nice dress shoes even though I don't know what existential thoughts personified might dress like. I don't think that they'd care to dress well because they're existential and wouldn't care what they wore/even cared if they dressed because they'd be all like 'Nothing matters bro'.
Hallelujah, we're onto the next point that I brought up. Before I said that Paradise To Be Gained happened to be my favorite poem out of the three that you requested reviews on. However later in the review this began to grow on me more and more until this became my favorite of the bunch and this still is. That's probably because the structure is more neatened out and the theme is brought with a bit more clarity than the other two. This is also screenshotted and aesthetically looks prettier which is another plus. I have to say that this a lot more polished but until the fourth stanza I didn't realize my enjoyment. That being said, the fourth stanza in particular struck a chord with me with the days becoming a blur. I loved, loved, loved that part!
Finally, I don't believe that this is a perfect poem (is there a poem that is?) and I believe that there can still be improvements made. I'll do a speed-run through these for the sake of time starting with the end of the fifth stanza and standalone line that follows "Dreams become dust/Yet we think ourselves distinct from our twin". The wording here can be stronger and I'm not sure what you're attempting to say with the line about the twin.
The 'I think' in parentheses in the next large stanza isn't needed which brings me to a larger point--the diction/flow as well as the voice (the voice pops up later on) can use fixing. What I mean by the voice is that there are a few unnecessary words or phrases scattered throughout and ultimately I'm going to suggest reading the poem aloud to find awkward flow and unnecessary words. I've already pointed a couple out but there are probably a few more to find. Overall though, this is pretty great and enjoyable with the repetition being strong--keep this up!
I'd go for a longer outro but let's stick with if you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day. Be sure to ping me in my Will Review For Food thread if you ever need more reviews.
Thank you very much! You've been very helpful.
I've changed all of the poems now so they appear as screen-shots. I squeezed in the "(I think)" as a play on the irony of the individual when I talk about how individuality is impossible, but I agree it was a little jolting (but I quite enjoyed the trivial silliness of the break).
I'll be sure to pester you again for reviews in future because I've really enjoyed your viewpoint.
Many thanks.
Hello! Irid here with a review.
I would like to say that this is very well written. I looked at the painting myself before I read this to have a full understanding of where your poem is coming from. Beautiful piece of art, by the way. c:
Through examination of the painting, I noticed that the artist depicted a stagnant society that's the complete opposite of free. Just people not really going against the current, so to speak, and in this poem, you captured the meaning of the painting in such a beautiful manner.
One part that I didn't really understand was the formatting. I don't know if it was an artistic choice or if there was an actual meaning.
What I really like about this is the progression. You're depicting the painting in words to maybe someone that has never seen the painting before. I really like that you did that, because you did it successfully. I love the use of imagery and expanded vocabulary throughout this, because it just works so well!
Overall, wonderful job! I can't wait to read more poems by you. Thanks for the read!
-Iridescence
Thank you so much for the review! I'm so glad you like it. Below I have explained my choices in format.
I thought of this as being in ternary form (ABA), as in music, where the first and last section are written in free verse (A), but the vibrant and fast moving section in the middle is written in tersa rima (B). I feel that the contrast between the slow winding of the free verse, and the fast paced, racing feel of the tersa rima, represents the dichotomy between the thoughtful tranquility of all our minds, and the aggressive and formulated way we lead our physical lives.
I attempted to use space to highlight certain words, it draws focus and forces you to float upon the word when reading aloud. So, "Perhaps" is moved to the end of the line to highlight the uncertainty that the adverb entails (and apply it to the stanza before), just as the fronted conjunction "yet" is pushed to the back of the line to provide an implication of hope, whilst still serving to cut down the "earthly serenity" in the line before. Also, "still" is lost within two stanzas - this does two things:
1. Like before the spacing draws attention to the adjective, making the implied stagnancy almost tangible.
2. Acts as the turn. Introducing the tersa rima (B) section of the poem.
Finally, the cut in the final stanza is just that, a cut. The sudden shift in thought process undermines the entirety of the work (an admittedly shoddy first-attempt at post-modernism), just before the refrain line returns a final time (capitalised to emphasise its importance) with its renewed meaning.
Hope this cleared this up for you! I'm more than happy to explain anything. Again, so glad that someone has even read my work and so the review was really welcome. Also, as I have yet to rack up enough points to publish all my work (I am on it!!!) this is my literature blog: http://oliverstockley.blogspot.co.uk. I would really, really appreciate any further critique you have!
That makes perfect sense! And what a great idea, by the way