I grasped onto her hand, tears filling my eyes.
“Clara,” I choked, “Don’t leave!” Clara’s pale blue eyes stared up into mine. She smiled weakly and winced. The wound in her side gushed red blood and yellow pus was surrounding the perimeter. The zombies had ripped a hole in her in an attempt to get me. She’s saved me.
“Everything will be fine,” she rasped, “Listen, Gia, you have to keep fighting. The rest of our friend’s lives depends on you getting to the lab. Please, Gia.” I nodded, tears streaming down my face. I could feel her heartbeat faltering, her life slowly ebbing away. There was no way I could save her. Her eyes turned to the smoke filled sky. No sign of blue anywhere, just gray.
“Listen,” Clara coughed, “There are no birds. I miss them.” She coughed again. I tried to stop the flow of blood from her side, even though I knew it wouldn’t help.
“Clara, you’re delirious.”
“I want to see the stars.”
“I’m sorry, we can’t,” I choked up again, “I wish I could-”
“Shh,” Clara tried to lift an arm but it fell limply by her side.
“Thirty seconds,” she whispered, her eyes starting to glaze over, “Thirty seconds.”
“Thirty seconds,” I whispered, tears falling off my face and into the ash.
“Thirty seconds.” I looked away and heard it. The last breath. Her last breath. I turned back and saw Clara’s eyes. Her beautiful, blue eyes, now staring at nothing. She’s gone, I thought, because of me. I looked around and saw the Tide. Every evening, a wave of zombies sweep the area, eating any living thing. I have to find shelter. I stood up shakily and stumbled off to a half caved in building where I could hide. I crawled into the hole leading to an empty space just big enough for two.
I sat, watching through the hole at the Tide. I winced and clawed at the rock as I saw them feeding on Clara’s body. Once they were done, they moved on.
“Heartless, cold blooded,” I gritted, a waterfall of fresh tears falling, “Stone hearted, killing machines.” I knew it wouldn’t do any good to insult them, but it gave me some sanctuary from the pain.
“I will kill them,” I muttered, staring hatefully at the wave of zombies wandering into the distance, “I will kill every last one of them.” I choked up again.
For Clara...
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130,339 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
For an excerpt, this was actually pretty good. There were some parts that felt like you were more telling than showing, but for the most part you kept it short and simple--the characters had their sad and poignant moment, the zombie hoards were large and overpowering, and now we have a good story set ahead of us.
While I know this is an excerpt and may not represent the whole story, I'll probably speak a bit about how the story might go and where I hope it doesn't fall, so I hope you won't mind.
The Beginning
This was a relatively powerful beginning. Personally, I wouldn't have started with the bolded line, because I still don't understand who 'I' is and who 'her' is. I would've started it with the italicized line, because it gives names and it lets the audience immediately jump into the situation--the main character's best friend is dying, and the main character can't do anything about it. The underlined line is something I would omit, if I was writing it. You already mentioned why Clara is dying in the line before, I don't think the reader needs to be told a heroic sacrifice just occurred.
The Ending
I can't help but feel like this is a little cliched for a backstory. Hello. I am Broken Protagonist. You killed my best friend. Prepare to die. The story itself might not get old too quickly, but I just couldn't take the "I will kill them" line seriously because I've heard it so much beforehand. I feel like you ought to have focused more on Clara in the ending, and how the protagonist promises that she'll complete her 'mission' and save the world or something, rather than jump straight into revenge. The feeling of sadness lingers, still, and there's not enough room to fit in anger just yet.
Main Criticisms
-The zombie genre is basically a zombie itself at this point, shambling into the scene with very little originality to prove itself. The only reason why it still exists, I think, is the little humanity left in it, the surviving traces of man that might not survive the apocalypse. In that regard, the zombie genre emphasizes a lot on character development and how each character responds to great trauma, so it's reasonable enough to assume that you need to build your main character up a bit so the audience can relate and feel for her better. As of now, though, her dialogue doesn't show her personality--she feels like a very stale character repeating lines from other books and movies, and while the trauma might lead to interesting places, I think you need to focus on making her seem more human and original if you want to move on.
-You didn't really describe your zombies in this line. There are a ton of different mutated zombies, so I don't know what category you might fall under. The limping undead? The mutated ant virus? Slaves to witches? Who knows. In any case, I did wish you described just a bit more.
Main Praises
-Your beginning was an instant hook, and for the most part you followed through it. The emotional aspect of it actually seeped in and let me finish the whole thing, which is always a good thing to have in an author.
Take care,
--Elliot.
Nice!
Love the way it starts. Right into the action, no pointless exposition - it's really good. The opening is just lovely overall. It firmly grasps the reader (me) from the start. It's one of the few works I read with genuine joy. It actually managed to bring out some subtle signs of emotions in me, which hardly any (even professional) literature can manage.
Another thing you do well is paragraph mechanics (as I call it). Every line of dialogue has its own line, and I can't express enough how gladly I see others do this. It just really makes reading so much easier and less confusing, so you have my sincere thanks there.
I do have a few notes. Just things I would have done (not implying I'm good or anything. I'm aware of my painfully average prose).
- Faltering. I would've replaced it with "falter". "I could feel her heartbeat falter" keeps the rhythm going, and rhythm is extremely important.
- "and yellow puss was surrounding the perimeter." is a line I'd personally remove. It doesn't really add much in terms of imagery and overall chokes the text's fluidity in my opinion.
- "Her eyes turned to the smoke filled sky. Not a sign of blue anywhere, just gray." This is an excellent line. I originally thought you were referring to her eyes though. Was a bit disappointed when I read it again.
- "even though I knew it wouldn't help." From personal style, I'd remove "even". Sounds a bit more poetic.
- "Devouring any living thing they found." could be a bit better, but that's just a personal suggestion.
Other than that, I cannot find any faults in your work. It's great. Keep it up.