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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
This poem, in my opinion, seems to have a bit of an analogy tied into it, and I really like that. We can all relate to a broken vase at some point in our lives, and you pulled the feeling of being fixed but still utterly broken well.
You seemed to have a few unnecessary commas. Commas are essential, but shouldn't be overused to the point where it looks like a dragged on sentence. I did see that your 'It's' and 'Its' were mixed up. I'll quote a few stanzas where I see this problem.
"It's lifespan,
filled with so much tears
can't be forgotten
through one
single moment
otherwise."
Another thing to watch out for is word use. This is a simple poem with a very deep meaning to it, and 'excruciating' is too much of a word. Too exaggerated, perhaps. Other than that your grammar is just fine.
That last stanza brought an angry air to the poem.
"Happiness be damned.
The vase will crumble to dust soon."
I don't favor this for a number of reasons. It seems out of place, like shifting from a broken vase to an angry person.
In a whole, I really liked your input, and I encourage you to keep writing.
-Satyne
Overall, I really like this. There's some strong images of the vase and what it's been through.
This doesn't have any images and is pretty boring. I would cut it. You could possibly replace it with some imagery contrasting the fighting and peacetime. E.g. smashed in drunken fights, glued back together with "I love you"'s. Play with the wording and see if you can't paint a stronger picture of the surroundings. I'm assuming a romantic couple, but I could be wrong.
Should be Its.
Adverbs tend to detract from the poem. It might be better to show this. For example, maybe someone's gluing together the vase while distracted by the TV or something.
This doesn't add much to the piece. I might use one of these words to replace "excruciating" and ditch the rest.
A general comment: You use a lot of commas. Sometimes they make sense grammatically, but other times they don't. I would re-punctuate as you would in prose.
Overall, love the images here, but I think some changes could make it stronger. Good job and keep writing!
Hey there! I'm going to review your poem.
This was very well done for the most part. I think some aspects of it didn't make too much sense, but, overall, I liked it.
Ultimately, I liked the formatting, because it wasn't traditional. I also liked that there was no rhyme scheme, because I think that would have made it cliche. I'm going to discuss each stanza.
I like the image this creates, however, is it truly "one" too many times? I feel like, due to the rest of the poem, it must have had more than one devastating spill. I think it contradicts your painting of the vase enduring years of abuse.
I'm not quite sure what this means. It seems a little generic.
I love this stanza. Great visual.
Firstly, it should be "linger" instead of "lingers," and it should be "its past" instead of "it's past." I like this stanza. I think this is the most original stanza of the poem.
I like this, but, again, I think it's a little generic. Make up something of your own entirely! "Resoundingly" is also a little redundant. And, it should be "its cracks."
I think this takes away from the poem. Though I like the personification of the vase throughout the poem, I don't think this makes much sense.
In the end, this poem was good, it just needs some improvements. I like it because it reminds me a bit of my short story "Broken Jar" (work.php?id=99839). Let me know if you have any questions. I hope I was helpful.
-H.
Hello my name is Kyla, I'm here to leave you my review. I really like this, it is very nice. I loved how it ran smoothy; very subtle. I love how you explain it. You explain how it breaks, and how it was and is and I enjoyed it. I really notice punctuations and tone and personally I think you did great on that topic. I haven't heard of this topic for a poem before, but I like it!