Walking home takes forever. At least it's almost summer. The winter weather still wants to rest here and the spring just lets it. The cold wind blows my hair as I shake from the cold. The forest like surroundings scare me at the thought of living somewhere else but a city. The trees cover the sides of the houses as I walk by.
"Hello?" I answer ending One Republic's rhythm.
"Alex, are you close?" Mom rings into my ear.
"Yeah, just next to the store." I say as I stare at the food store.
"Okay, see you at home."
"Bye."
My feet speed up as I see my house getting closer and closer.
*
My feet stretch out as I get off my desk chair. I just did my homework (which was easier than I thought.). The white curtains blow against my desk. My room feels like a huge ice box from the cold so I close the window letting my Yellow comforter shine the room.
"Come in!" I say and see my mom coming in.
She's holding something behind her back.
"What'd you got there?" I ask, my interest flooding my thoughts.
"I got you something," She pulls the item to the front and I see it.
"I love it!"
It's a Peace shirt! A Yellow Peace sign with a navy background short sleeved top.
"Thanks mama." I grab the top.
"I saw it and thought of you," She walked out the door.
"Where're you going?"
"Downstairs, I'm cooking soup." She turns her head at me.
"Okay,"
Wow, that's really nice of her. I've always wanted a top like this!
*
(continued later!)
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,704 Reviews
Hey Nike, I'm here to review!
I agree with Amie, you need to thicken your story up a bit, add some description to it. Describe the protagonists, the room they are in, add details.
I shall review this in ravishing red!!
So far, I like this story, I can't wait for more.
Hey, I'm Amie and i'll be your reviewer today
Basically, you need to edit this piece so that your writing indirectly, which means that your showing the reader what happens instead of telling them like you are now. It reads like a list, I did this, then I did this, and I finished with this. You need to trust your reader to understand things without having to be told bluntly.
For example, you could establish the fact that she's sitting in her chair earlier in the general story - but then I just looked up and you did that but she stood up again?
So give us more description but try not to take away from the dialogue because it's a great tool to show the thoughts/feelings etc of the main character.
Hope this helps!