Young Writers Society

Hello there Nike,

Okay, my first point is you should never full-caps a word, so make HUGE huge. Also, the sentence following your opening one, where you say you're currently watching a movie is a bit choppy and the flow is kind of killed off straight away. This means you've lost most of your readers and it also doesn't particularly make any sense. I'd tell them what movie you're watching then go on to explain why it's making you happy. You just need to revise the structure of your writing because it isn't working. Also you've got a good few typos in there, such as "diss belief" which should be disbelief. I also need to suggest you make sure your sentences make sense with the punctuation you're using because there's a good few grammar issues too. The main thing therefore is that this is lacking of captivity and flow, once you've installed these two things you can have a pretty good argument.

Hope this helps & keep it up,
Ben

Hey Nike.

I think that you have a good topic here, but the actual writing is incomplete. I just don't think that you really will convince people about happiness with what you have here. I think that you need to just write more. Make it more persuasive and interesting. Also, just check out your spelling and grammar.

Hope this helps!

-Minister

Hey, Nike!

So I have a couple of big points that could make this little essay better.
First of all, you need to proof-read. That's one of the first rules of posting on a writing website. Check your spelling, capitalize what needs to be capitalized, and make sure everything is in its proper place. If you don't do this, other people have to focus on what your piece looks like rather than what it is. They'll correct your spelling instead of suggesting valuable points that could make your work successful or powerful!

Secondly, since this is a piece of non-fiction and seems to be trying to persuade the reader to agree with you, you should provide some evidence or at least a little bit of explanation. For example, when you say "I think... you need more confidence in yourself to get your happiness up", try showing us situations in which confidence relates to happiness OR give us examples of how to be more confident. Both of these things would make your point more accessible to a reader, rather than just blurting out an opinion.

It's nice that you think people should be happy, but the reader wants to know WHY you think that way.

Try fleshing out your work a little more and it could be a nice little essay! :3
Let me know if you have any questions and I'll be happy to answer them for you. Keep working!

-Hannah-