One Day
Verse 1: Here I am. Traveling. Everywhere. My life is not the same.
Sometimes I wish, I wish that I could go back to my past.
Oh, I wonder how life would be if we would have never moved, stayed at last.
The whole drama scene is enough. I am sick of it, I want my Past!
Chorus: Do you wanna know how I feel?
This life seems so unreal.
I am not at home anywhere!
Can I land safly somewhere?
The stress. The Pain. The Moves. The new friends. The new place. The new maze!
I really can't do this anymore...
Verse 2: So what? Does this mean. I can't tell but I've gotta live.
Oh well. This is life, the whole new friend thing, yeah, i'm used to it.
The good thing is that I get to get to know new things. The light is lit.
People are different, I feel so alone at times, but it's okay.
I don't care about what they say!
*Chorus repeat*
( the continued part will be later!)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
'ey there! NewHero here.
This sounds like a vent and I'm not sure if that works with lyrics because mostly that has melody and rythym. Now I'm no expert but this didn't seem to fit together much. And unfortunately, I doubt I'd be able to hear the tune you had in mind so I have to rely on your topic, mood, word choice, word order and what not to depict the sounds. There was no harmony.
Verse 2 shook me. It wasn't very well structured. It's totally opposite to Verse 1 and chorus and there's not even a gradual transition from venting to acceptance. This has to change completely. The "yeah"'s also seemed out of place... throughout the poem. Usually, people don't say yeah when they're angry.
Overall: Re-do, possibly as a poem. There's no rythym involved here and that could make sense when you're writing angry but music without rythym and melody is noise. Try it again, relax a bit. Try describe more than the feelings. Try to describe how you'll never go across a state/province or country or whatever, without remembering your many different lives etc.
Fly On,
Write On,
TheNewHero.
Hello, Nike! ^_^
So, is this 'to be continued'?
I guess what I have to say about these lyrics is that I think they should be written more like a poem. It might just be my personal opinion, but I think the words should be able to stand on their own and not rely on the music/melody to make them great.
Have you written poetry before? If you have, take a look at what you've written here and see if it's up to the standards. Try using comparisons instead of making this like a journal entry. Try using imagery, evoking a picture in the listener's mind. Or, if you want to bring out an emotion instead, be sure to pick words that fit with that emotion, words that paint that kind of color instead of dead words like 'the', 'I', 'life'.
Even if you don't change it, you still need to make the story clearer. I don't quite understand what is going on in this song and if you want the listener to identify, you have to make sure they can understand what you're saying, right?
PM me if you have any questions, and good luck!
-Hannah-