I Hate Him *2 part 1*

I'm feeling nitpicky now, so I'm going to attempt your whole novel again; this time pointing out grammatical errors and places you could improve. I'll porbably quote the whole thing so watch out!
Colour code: Red for grammar
Blue for spelling
Green for things I think you could improve
Pink for word choice
Purple for tenses.
Orange for other notes.

Nike wrote:Chapter 2

Flipping through my Math book, I couldn’t think.
All that went through my mind, even though I regretted it, was Harry.
I put my iPod volume higher to try to empty out my thoughts. I don't know why you've listed this and not put it as one paragraph. Also, it seems a little like a list, try to add in some description.

“I can’t believe I fell for this!” I sang to Demi Lovato’s Solo. I think you should put that bit in italics. Also, you may want to check the copyright rules on including lyrics in a novel.

No, that was definitely the wrong song in my condition. I kept on playing pressing next, looking for a good song.

“Someday…” I sang out.

Wrong too! Rob Thomas, you aren’t helping me here! wasn't helping me here!
Justin Timberlake, Fall Out Boy, We The King, Forever The Sickest Kids, Hilary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Ozzy Osbourne… Crap; no songs.
Finally!

I turned up the volume and sang out, “Sweet Child of Mine!”

My computer made a bleep noise and I looked up at it.
No.
No.
No.
NO!
I stared at my Navy colored walls in disgust. Why did Harry have to know my IM? Surely he must have added her, then she would have known as she would have accepted.

Harry: r u okay? U ran off like a chicken. Try and find another word here.

No, I will [color=#BF0080]would[/color]not type back.
I looked at it for a bit longer.

Jess: Yes, im fine.

He should at least know that I’m fine.

Harry: Oh really? One second ur all nice to me and then the next u wanna bite my head off.

Jess: that’s so not true

Harry: Yes it is.

Jess: No its not!

Harry: Yes it is!

Jess: NO ITS NOT!!!!

Harry: Yes Jess, it is.
I feel this goes on for a bit too long.

OH MY GOD!You don't need to use capitals, that's what an exclamation point is for. I slammed my laptop shut.
No, he wass just ridiculous.
I dug my head in my hands and breathed deeply.
My laptop bleeped a couple more time. You're listing again, try to keep it in one paragraph
I opened it once again and saw:

Harry: Jess r u there?

Harry: Jess???

Another chat box was blinking and I pressed it.

Georgie: Whoa wat happened at skool 2day?

I was pretty sure that she wass referring to what happened between me and Harry. She had wanted me to tell her on the bus, but I told her that I’d tell her later.
I looked out the window and saw the wind rustling through the naked trees. Snow was falling down from the sky, which made me smile.
I’d always loved snow, it just looked so beautiful, innocent, and clean.
“Dreamer” by Ozzy Osbourne blasted through my iPod Soother and I started to follow the words.
I do dream my life away.
I dream of better days.
This song was about me.
A tear ran down my cheek. Keep it in one paragraph.
This song always made me tear up. It was just so beautiful. I have that kind of soul that falls into music. The song that plays, that’s how I feel. This could do with rewording.
My heart started to pound faster when Harry popped into my mind.
Erase him. Maybe that’ll work.
No, no it didn’t. Her thoughts are very fast paced. Try to take us through them
Bleep.
I looked at the screen.

Harry: Jess, r u there?!

Jess: No, now LEAVE ME ALONE! Maybe she should say she's busy instead. It sounds more natural.

I logged off the IM and started to do my homework.

***
I couldn’t sleep.
The cars lights zoomed through the window and onto my peace sign wall.
I tried to sleep. I shut my eyes, but they hurt so I opened them. Fast paced again.
Harry.
Harry.
Harry Potter!
No, that’s not the Harry I want to think about. But I should. This doesn't seem relevant. I'd leave it out.
He kissed me. Just a couple of hours ago his lips were on mine. Our bodies were touching. My heart was speeding.
He helped me. He cared.
STOP IT JESSICA FULLER!
Just stop it. No need for capitals.
I looked at my hands and tried to concentrate on them. Nope, that didn’t help me.
I sighed and jumped out of the world’s most comfortable bed.
I sat on my desk chair and opened my laptop. My eyes started to hurt, so I blinked a couple of times.
I turned on my IM to see if anyone was online.
Oh my, it was one o’clock in the morning! I’d never get up in the morning.
Bleep.
It was Harry.
My heart stopped as did my breathing. You're listing!
I let my breathe go.
Harry: u aren’t sleepin either?

Jess: nope. I can’t.

I looked out the window and saw a full moon.
Great, werewolves are out now. Just kidding, I don’t believe in that. Describe the moon instead, and the light it casts on the ground. That would fit much better now.
Harry: me either. I cant stop thinking bout u.
No.
No.

Jess: me too. Maybe say that she typed this but did not send it.

What?! I so did not want to type that!I press the right button of my mouse and hit edit message.

Jess: wow, u really need to get over it.

No, that’s bad too. Delete Delete Delete!

Jess (edited): Uhuh.

Okay, that’s just worse.

Harry: that’s all ur gonna say?

Crap.

Jess: Wat am I supposed 2 say?! I LOVE U 2

WHOA!

“Oh my frick!” I whispered loudly to myself.

I should’ve put a question mark after it.
He never said love. He said like.

Harry: u wat?

Now, no one can say that over the IM. I mean you can see it! Too fast paced again.

Jess: I meant: what am I supposed 2 say? I love u 2? As in, just a question.

Harry (edited): right.

Jess: wat did u want 2 write?

I’m the only one who takes the (edited) symbol seriously. I don't know of any place where you can actually see (edited) People should write what they wanted to at the first time. Hypocrite! :L

Harry: nothin

Jess: really? Nothin?

Harry: God Jess, it’s edited for a reason. For u to not know.

Jess: Well, I want to know!!!!!

Harry: u can’t have everything ur way. I mean, I cant fall out of love to u. And even though u hate it I cant. In ur world I would hate u as much as u hate me. In ur world there would be no school. In ur world I wouldn’t even be there! Info dump and way way way too fast!
Jess: ….um…uh… u don’t know my world!

Harry: But its wat I wrote, right?

I felt something roll down my cheek. It was warm and ran down like water. Once it landed on my lips, I tasted it. Tears.
My heart beated harder and faster.
Why was he doing this to me?
Didn’t he know I loved him?
………..I don’t love him……. you only need three dots.
Why would he think that? Why would he hurt me like that?
Gosh, when I’m sleepy I’m not myself! It’s like being drunk (I’ve never been drunk though, but I’ve seen people like that).

Jess: Just leave me alone. Ur pissing me off

Harry: I don’t want to.

Jess: well u have no other choice! Just go away forever! Like in “my world”

I slammed the computer shut and sobbed.
I’m telling you, when I’m sleepy, I’m not me.

***
Georgie was at my side when we walked in the very hallway where Harry kissed me.
I felt a warm something form at the bottom of my stomach when I saw my locker.

“Are you okay?” Georgie asked me.

I shook my head but said “Yeah, just perfect.”

My heart broke when I put in my combination.
The blue locker flew open as I waved to Georgie. She had to go to her locker fast. There was only two minutes to the bell.
I held my tears; I must’ve still been sleepy.
Someone stood next to me but I didn’t turn my head.

“Jess…” Harry sighed.

Can’t he ever leave me alone?
I acted as if I was searching for something in my locker and I couldn’t hear him.

“Huh…?” I asked still having my head in the locker.

I swung my backpack in front of me and pulled out some books. Laying them in locker, I pulled some and put it in my backpack.
I locked my locker and looked at Harry.
He wore a Hollister yellow sweatshirt with blue skinny jeans. But, his black converse caught my eye. I wore the same ones.

“I wanted to say sorry.” He spit out.

“For what?” I acted as If I forgot everything.

A smile was plastered on my face, but I still felt the sadness rise up inside me. Tears tried to burst out but I held them.
I sniffed.

“For what happened last night, I didn’t mean anything.”

“Even when you said you couldn’t sleep because you were thinking about me?” my acting job was over.

Trying to act as if I forgot everything didn’t work.
A smile was forming at the side of his mouth but then he stopped it.

“Even that,” he said uncertainly.

“Liar,” I murmured.

He breathed in deeply as did I.
My hair was in a side braid and I pulled at it, trying to hold in my tears. It was No use.
One tear sprung out and I wipped it.
No, I couldn’t hold another second with him.
I walked away from him and headed down to the English classroom.

I'm not going to attempt a full nitpicky review because I know that can be incredibly annoying and I have a lot that I could point out.
Overall you're heading the same way as with the last chapter. Work on your tenses and try to make Jess' thought processes a little more believable. True, at some points we will switch from happy to sad to frustrated to angry to sad again in the blink of an eye but unless we have some severe mental disorder we don't function like that all the time. Try to take us through what she is feeling at a slower, more controlled pace. At the moment I feel I have no relationship with the character and that makes it harder to care about what she does, says and thinks. All she seems like is an average teenage girl with a bad grasp on reality. Prove me wrong, make her something more than that.

Mickixoxo they did kiss, but that part is in the Romantic Short Stories section and I don't know how to transfer it. You can find it in my portfolio on the I Hate Him folder. Thanks!

Nike

Did I miss a chapter? When did they kiss?
Other than my lack of understanding on that one part, I think this is really good

Hey! Back again!

Now that I have had my jolt of caffine, I feel much more. . . . .relaxed, rather than on edge like before. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing though Any way the bad news always is chosen first in a bad news or good news first contest, so I decided that I should start with that. The only ba thing is the spelling mistakes. All I have to add to that is just double and triple check your spelling. I can't stress how important that is. I've lost a couple essay contests because of that and now it's like I'm a spelling robot. I'm not saying turn into a robot because that would be very bad and I don't like bad, but just check it, okay?

The good news is that I loved the tension and how you write the feelings of Jess straight out. There's no editing it from her brain to her mouth, and I have always loved that. Keep up the writing and I will keep reading.

-Charlotte Grace

I love it! (: but I don't get why does she hate him? Please WRITE MORE!
My fave part:

I’m pretty sure that she’s refuring to what happened between me and Harry.
She wanted me to tell her on the bus, but I told her that I’d tell her later.
I looked out the window and saw the wind rustling through the naked trees. Snow was falling down from the sky, which made me smile.

this is really good but you need to be more desriptive. I have a hard time with it too ,but more description makes it a lot better. Don't get me wrong I love your story its just needs more description.

Write some more of this please!! I don't understand her reasoning for hating him in the first part but as you read on you want to know more. Your writing style just means its fast paced which is good because it builds up to the main content quickly. I really want to read on to see what else is in store. Please PM me when you write the next bit because i'll be really interested in reading it.

-J.A.C

I liked your second one almost as much as I did the next. Don't listen to what anyone else says about the writing style without much detail and everything else. This isn't like most writing styles, but I like it. It's unique and it doesn't have to do it like everyone says. That's why they call it creative writing because you can be as creative as you want and not worry so much about fallowing the rules. I'm still confused to why she started hating him in the first place. I mean the ending was perfect and added a little info about that, but I still think you should slip in more about their history.

Jess: No, now LEAVE ME ALONE!

I actually thoroughly enjoyed that. It was absolutly great, I felt really envolved by the IMing. It was a nice tactic used, it helped you feel her distress at whether she was touched by his love?like? for her or whether she actually did want to be left alone.

However the part when she was editing went on a little long. We got the point after the first time.
Overall it was a good story and I am dying to read more. If i'm honest it's the kind of story that doesn't use a great vartiey of good english like imagery and metaphors etc but it does get you invovled and want to read on. It doesn't have the wow he/she is an amazing talented writer but it sure has a great plot.

Keep writing and be sure to let me know when you write more-which you will? Please?
Kaka xx
Keep working on it!

Alright, so, you're writing style was interesting. You don't give nearly enough detail, description or emotion, though, and it makes this piece kind of lack. Add description to make the scene for the reader, add details for what you have to show the reader, and add emotion to help tie your readers to your characters.

Thats it
~WickedWonder