Hi there Nightshade27! Niteowl here to review this poem.
Overall, I think this starts out strong, but could have more to it.
Brown eyes, brown eyes I can't forget.
Just a few typos there.
Orbs of a deep, rich chocolate brown.
I don't think this line is necessary. The eyes as orbs comparison is pretty common, and you already said the subject's eyes are brown. I would instead flip the next two lines to improve the flow.
That was the moment I fell in love,
Just with you, so pure and strong.
1) You don't need a comma after love
2) I don't think you need the word "just" in there. "Just" belittles what it's talking about, and you're trying to describe a "pure and strong" emotion, not a diluted one.
3) Speaking of "pure and strong", it's unclear what it's supposed to be describing--the subject, or the speaker's love for the subject?
I remember it like a photograph in my head.
This line seems odd given the relative lack of imagery in this piece. There's hints of it in the beginning, with brown eyes and January, but I feel like there could be a lot more. Think about other senses, other traits of this person.
Was the rhyming in the last two lines intentional? It seems odd given that the rest of the poem does not rhyme. I would rework it so there isn't a rhyme.
A note about punctuation: It seems a little strange here, with commas at the end of nearly every line when sometimes a period or no punctuation would be more appropriate. If you're having trouble with this, I usually suggest punctuating like you would for prose (paragraph) form, unless you have a reason to do otherwise.
Overall, this has potential and some good lines, but I feel like it could flow better and have more imagery. Keep writing!
Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274
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