The bullets in the gun, the blood on the street
Children in the alley with no food to eat
Girl sitting pretty with ribbons in her hair
Gets called a bitch if she even tries to care
Bible School teaching love for all things in creation
Yet when two men get married its an abomination?
College so expensive for those who can’t pay
Homeless on the corner toss a dollar in his tray
Students going crazy over Adderall and pot
Trying to boost their grades but actually not
Kids can’t spell and schools become funny
Free education isn’t worth our tax money
Man walking down the street smile on display
No one knows that he won't live another day
Teens sitting silent with scars on their wrists
Thinking that it only takes one cut to end this
Nothing more important than the image in the mirror
Young girl staves herself while the media cheers
Photos on Facebook convey the perfect life
But really its all broken and he cheated on his wife
Look at your suburbia pretend its okay
Like all of these problems will just go away
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
This poem completely just comes across as complaining in rhyme form to me. Poetry doesn't just happen from line to line, but within the lines. If you go read some Shakespeare or Frost or Poe or Goethe or pretty much any other poet, even if they don't rhyme, you can pick out even just one line of a poem and it'll sound like poetry. This poem sounds more like a bunch of arguments without good rhetoric behind them. I don't agree with some of you viewpoints and reading your poem doesn't make me more prone to agree.
Hello, Nightshade27. I feel you like you could use another review. So, here I am. The rhyming was very well thought out. I didn't have to stop and go back and try to figure out what you were doing or anything, which was nice. It really does open your eyes to what's going on in the world. So many things are messed up and it's hard to keep a good head on your shoulders. One thing I have to say that doesn't go along with the review though is that:
Bible School teaches to love what God has created, that being people. Being "gay" is a choose.
Anyway, back to the review. "Mirror" doesn't rhyme with "cheers" and the rest of your poem rhymed. You have to keep at it. Last but not least it would be nice if you added punctuation that way I can tell where the end and beginning of thoughts are. Keep writing and never get discouraged! God bless!
~Keepwriting
This is super deep. It forces the problems of this world to the front of a person's mind where they have to face them and see whats wrong.
Now for critiquing: starves is spelled wrong in the 5th last line, in the 3rd last line you need an apostrophe in its. Some punctuation such a commas would help the flow a little bit in certain places. The "this" you say when you write about teens cutting sort of stops the flow you have. To maybe help continue the flow, in the next one or two lines you could explain what "this" is exactly.
Other than these few things, I think it's amazing and has very strong emotion to it. Keep writing!