I
am engulfed in a dream of happiness.
Warmth
washes pass me, as I enter the scene of my memories.
I look across the sea from the craggy cliff, to see a bright meadow from beyond.
I
take the first step and jump.
Porcelain wings clasp against bringing me to
safty.
I
have reached my land but something is wrong,
instead
of cheers and laughter,Cries and pain resound.
Anger engulfs me; Who is this beast that torments with glee?
Who is this monster that wishes to destroy my land?
I
draw my sword and begin to start the war raging inside.
My people.. ground 'their' wings ripped
there
hearts broken and a tear escapes my wall.
A
darkness appears it's teeth daggers,
it's eyes gleeful for death and
dread.
I
can not back down, I Will not bow to the darkness.
The
time of fighting has come and we go hand in hand.
A tango of movements flash before us, Crimson bleeds from us both.
I
reach for the final blow and all is done, the calm of the storm has
come.
My
world is safe for now but not forever.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello Nightshade21,
Myjaspercat here for your review....
Before I start I want to say that I thought this poem was interesting. I see that you are new and all, but I want to let you know that I am not going to sugar coat anything.
1.) I do not like the beginning of your poem. I believe that it doesn't have any qualities that draw me in as your reader, it's pretty point blank. I don't know how you can add imagery here, but I feel as if it needs more, if you know what I mean.
"Warmth washes pass me, as I enter the scene of my memories." ---- One thing wrong with this and it is the beginning. What are you trying to say by 'washes pass me'? I agree with Cynder here and believe you should say 'washes over me', it would help your piece flow better as well it would be easier to understand what you are trying to say.
"to see a bright meadow from beyond." ----- 'Bright meadow from beyond'? I don't know if it's just me but this just kind of reads wrong.
"I take the first step and jump." ---- I would suggest here that you word it this way 'I take that first step and jump.' By using that instead of the it reads easier and makes a tad bit more sense.
"Porcelain wings clasp against bringing me to safty." ---- Two things but they're simple: First 'safety' is spelled wrong, missing the 'e' and I would like to know WHAT the porcelain wings clasp against.
2.) The entire second stanza just seems wrong to me. I feel that there is some things missing such as transition. Maybe you could add some more imagery to help paint your picture, such as, when you describe this beast tormenting what ever it is tormenting (you don't really specify) you could explain what it is doing or even what it looks like. For example you could say something like 'who is this beast with fire-red eyes and razor sharp teeth tormenting with glee.' (Don't really use that since I just came up with it on the spot) but something with more oomph would help get your point across. You throw in a beast but don't tell us what it looks like or what it is doing it's almost pointless.
"I draw my sword and begin to start the war raging inside." ----- I don't get this line at all, or what it has to do with what you are feeling and the beast.
3.) In this stanza, you just throw in another kind of beast, I thought there was already one but you now tell of a darkness. What happened to the beast in Stanza 2? Did it just magically disappear? Did you kill it?
"My people.. ground 'their' wings ripped" ----- What? When did you have people? As well, I cant really tell what you mean in the last part of this line.
"there hearts broken and a tear escapes my wall." ---- 'there' should be spelled 'their' and I would suggest adding 'are' between 'hearts' and 'broken'.
"It's eyes gleeful for death and dread." ---- you have already used the word glee so I would suggest replacing the word 'gleeful' with something else so you don't sound repetitive.
"I can not back down" ---- 'can not' needs to be 'cannot', it is one word (it's silly but it is what it is.)
4.) Who do you go hand-in-hand with? Your people?
Overall I didn't personally like this poem, I believe that it could be better. First I think that you have left questions unanswered through out the entire piece, (such as, where your people came from and who you are fighting with in the end.) As well, the sentence structure and the placement of some words seems weird. Also some of your sentence seem to long and that they need to be broken up.
I am so sorry for how long this is and I apologize if I have offended you or have hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings in writing this review. Sometimes it helps a lot to take the criticism and no one ever gets better if the flaws in your writing isn't pointed out. That being said Good Luck and Continue writing.
No worries you did not hurt my feelings or offended me, I agreed with cynder ideas. I agree with what you found wrong and all make sure to re-read this and fix the format, and imagery.
good to hear that I didn't offend you, sometimes I worry about that. It's nice that you share your work no matter what, don't let anyone drag you down.
I respect what you have to say and thanks for the tip about not letting anyone drag you down. I also as I said above I agree with what you say
In that case, I have a few pointers. I think it would be better to say "washes over me" instead of "washes past me." To say it passed you means the warmth has already left, but since you are in the memory still, it should still be present. This also means that you should change the next line and get rid of the over. So instead you should say,
You should have I smile in another line. You can change it, or leave it, depending on if you want a more realistic or simple approach. Simplistic: leave it the way it is and add the line below the revision.Realistic: Change it to,
Second, you should fix "fist" to "first."
Third I think it would be better to say,
Instead of "cries and pain is heard."
Add some punctuation items;
"Anger engulfs me; Who is this beast that torments with glee?
Who is this monster that wishes to destroy my land?"
The rearranging is your choice.
"My people.. ground 'their' wings ripped." I meant that you should keep it the way it was just change the there to their. So go ahead and put back the words that were in between-I used the periods so that I didn't have to type the whole quote out.
That is the end of my rant, so sorry for how long this message is. The choice to change it is yours, but of course, advise that you do. You will an amazing writer one day, I can see it now. Keep writing, my friend. Mistakes are good-they mean that you are learning. Thanks for sharing the story with me, it was a good journey to be on. Have fun, my friend.
Thanks for showing what I could change to make it better. It really helps
just finished all the changes thanks again for the help
My pleasure:)
Hey, Cynder here. That was an awesome poem man! If you want to improve it, I'd be glad to help. But hey, that was an awesome story. It's so true. I write things like this, and I feel your story ad the motivation behind it. Overall, well done:) Welcome to YWS. Since I haven't seen you around much, I have a storybook called Dragons. You are welcome to join. Hope to see more of you.
Thanks and any help is welcome
Hello there Nightshade21! Unknown391625 here with a review for you!
So, I really like your poem. Doesn't rhyme, but it's still great! It starts out happy and nice, and then turns into a dark world. I do have an idea for the title, "Darkness is Around Us." You could maybe use that. Otherwise this is a great poem! I love it so much! It is your first one, and you hit a home run with this! Great job! I want to see more of your poems! Don't give up and always write, Nightshade21!
-Unknown391625
Thank you! and the title sounds awesome changing it now