Darkness made root in your soul,
Your once perfect smile is more wild,
Pointed wolf ear escape from the disguise,
And one by one there goes the grotesque lies,
In her place the big black wolf appears,
Breathing in your intoxicating fears,
Tricking you all one by one,
For now the real fun has begun,
Come closer dear, There no reason to fear,
My what big eyes you have, the better to see this crumbling world,
One,
Last,
Time
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello and Happy Review Day!
I'll just start with a few nitpicks. These things didn't really sound right to me:
Your once perfect smile is more wild. Smile and wild rhyme slightly, so it sounded off as the first line didn't have the same rhyme in it. I notice that you rhymed most of the lines after this, but soul and wild don't rhyme. You might want to mix up your words a bit.
Pointed wolf ear escape from the disguise. I believe that 'ear' should be in its plural form, also, you're missing the 's after there in come closer dear, There no reason to fear.
Those are the only nitpicks I have. I like this poem, it sounds mythical, like an extremely dark version of Red Riding Hood. Good job, Nightshade.
I really loved the part about the crumbling world it just goes to show that no matter what your going to die.
This story is just like the story of the big bad wolf, an old children's story those times and even still, now's time.
Like the three little pigs, you have said that one by one they are down.
Like little red riding hood, the 'big eyes you have' part.
Like the wolf and eight piggies, 'for now the real fun has begun.'
I really liked this poem, short and easy to understand.
One thing you can improve is the words and length. Describe more, what are you talking about? Definitely, I understand, but not all Young Writers Society members read that particular story. Get me?
Yes, I hope you do better next time, so goodbye for now. Keep on writing, starting tomorrow, and reviewing as well!
"HAPPY REVIEW DAY" from Tay01
~~Tay01
Thanks for the help