This is the first part in a series. Part Two Part Three Part Four All parts are meant to be in the same voice, but not necessarily chronological.
I don't think we can go back to the days when we would whisper in the decaying light and you would trace little flowers across my chest; and I don't think the voices in my head can build any higher before they form a chorus that crescendos and wails in the vain hope that somehow you'll want to listen.
The last few weeks have been so full of veiled threats and half-hearted attempts at reconciliation that my dreams leave me crying and clawing at the sweat-soaked pillows where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept. You once told me that if we want it enough, things will work out; but if that's true, why am I carving your name across the floorboards?
In a world far away from here, where it might make a difference, I would say the gravity of our hopes and dreams locked our words in little orbits that circled our heads. But one day our lips drew so close that the ellipses collided and shattered to bits of glass that tore at our feet. And as we stooped to clean up the mess we made, we realized that love surrounded by broken promises isn't love at all.
WOW!!!! This was so emotional, and the last three lines just ripped my heart to pieces! I loved it so much, but it was sad. I hope you keep writing because I would really like to here more.
this in geniunely exceptional. I couldnt have phrased a situation such as this more beautifully. you are extremely talented. I love all of your work and I truthfully believe that you have a profound and unique and rare ability to transmit your emotions through the words. you really but it all out there and you did it in a way that was classy...poised...graceful. It was true poetry. I commend you ability and exuburant emotion behind your pieces.
I only have a couple bits of critisisim.
I think that there were a few instances where your stanzas contained superfluous conjunctions that could be replaced with punctuation or prepositions.
other than that... your imagery was incredible. I was hooked at the first line.
you will go far with your work, i assure you of that.
keep writing., feel free to message me anytime, i'd love to get to know you and learn about your inspiration behind all of these magnificant works of art.
wonderful peom. I loved the word chose and the meaning the most. This is the best poem I have read so far and I have read alot. The talet you have is something others can only dream about and wish they had. Very nice poem.
Before I actually do the reviewers job of complaining, I just have to say, I have not read many other poetry peices that actually make it sound like poetry. Poets have a good talent these day's of making poetry sound more like a song, and not a poem itself. I always want to put a beat to them. So in my eyes, this is already a really good poem.
Before I start this, let me say, Im a person who really likes flow and rhythm. Youll notice that soon enough.
and I don't think the voices in my head can build any higher
Ehh. I think you should take away the 'and'. It just doesnt sound right. Say it to yourself with and without the 'and' a couple of times and youll know what I mean.
at reconciliation that
Move 'that' to the next line. WAY too abrupt of a stop.
but if that's true
This is just a personal opinion, but I think this should be in the next line. There it would be given alot more emphasis, which is needed because this is actually important for the following line, and is shadowed by the line it is put in.
This is great. I could barely find anything wrong with this, and the things I did find were small. This is a great piece of poetry.
Wow, this is a truly amazing piece of poetry. It seriously lefted me stunned. I have read a great deal of poetry but none have captured my mind as much as yours. Its depth and language is amazing and shows a great deal of skill when it come to writing. I do think a little more detail could be possibly used but that is only a thought as I think this is fabulous and a beautiful piece. I can relate to the emotions and would look forward to reading more like this standard I think now you've gotten me in the mood for poetry!
I love this. I love this so much. Your word choice and imagery are gorgeous. Bravo. Here's my nitpick:
my dreams leave me crying and clawing at the sweat-soaked pillows. Pillows where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept.
There's a fragment in there: "Pillows where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept." I didn't notice it the first time because it really is a beautiful phrase, but what you'll want to do is say:
my dreams leave me crying and clawing at the sweat-soaked pillows, or -- pillows where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept.
This will make this line flow so much more smoothly and you won't have readers stopping and saying, "Wait. Was that a sentence?" But amazingly done. You are so talented, and I hope you keep writing poetry like this.
Just being a little picky, but this line could do with an extra syllable:
to the days when we would whisper in the decaying light
Perhaps alter the word light to day light or moon light?
and I don't think the voices in my head can build any higher
Remove the and here and it'll flow better, since it's following a semi-colon and the repetition of the conjunction in the line above makes it a wee bit choppy.
in thesome vain hope that somehow you'll want to listen.
Removing the somehow cleans up the fluency in this ending sentence, giving it more effect. You can then use the some word and retain the idea of speculative thought and the it isn't likely vibe by replacing it with the word the. Just a suggestion, of course.
The last few weeks have been so full of veiled threats, and half-hearted attempts at reconciliation that, my dreams leave me crying and clawing at the sweat-soaked pillows.
By breaking the middle line into an individual "clause" makes it have more of an effect of dwelling on. Thus enforcing the overall effect of the stanza. I think punctuating like this mildly helps the overall effect.
consuminged me as I slept.
Keep tenses consistent.
and dreams locked our words in to little orbits; that circledcircling around our heads.
The "to" was needed on the line above, because there was a deprivement of pace from the lack of a syllable (just pickiness, don't worry) and then for that to work, the following line needed to be manipulated into a present tense form. I think this sounds better, but it's up to you - naturally.
clean up the mess we made,
A syllable too far here!
is not love at all.
By extending it out of the word isn't I feel that the impact of your ending is much larger and intoxicates the reader into the emotive atmosphere, so I'd change it to this.
Okay, so overall, this piece was pretty fabulous! I don't say that all too often, but a real good piece. Yes, I've pointed out numerous nit-picks, but hey-ho, they're JUST nit-picks. Many of them are suggestions to merely be considered, anyway.
Please keep writing, as this is great. Hope this helped. Ben
Thank you for the reviews everyone. I've done some editing that I hope filled in at least a few of the holes. If any of you see something that I changed for the worse, please tell me. Thanks again
Hey there, Nightshade. I like what you have going on here, but there’s room for improvement, of course. Instead of being pleasant and praising you for what you’ve done, I’m going to get into the meat of what we can improve together.
Alright. The major issue I have in this first stanza is rather easy to fix, in theory. The way you set up your line breaks, they cause issues with the flow of the words. Normally, flow issues come about because of word choice, but that’s not the case here. Try and rethink where you break your lines, because as it stands right now, the stanza is choppy and feels rather disruptive as compared to what you’re trying to say.
Secondly, the comma in the center, “flowers across my chest,” produces something that’s not particularly a flaw per se, but it’s an annoyance in that it makes the stanza feel like a run-on, long-winded sentence. It’s another issue with flow, but it’s completely cosmetic. Try incorporating a semi-colon instead in that spot; I think you’ll be pleased.
Thirdly, when you use the phrase, “sings and sings,” it doesn’t work like you’d intend. Verb repetition can be useful at times, but you miss your mark in this instance. Give me something fresh and intoxicating here. Also, I’d like to make a note that the second half of the stanza, “and I don’t…want to listen,” reads very heavily and can get tiresome. Despite this, however, you have a fantastic opening stanza; it sets a sense of longing and does its job as a scene-setter.
Stanza two is showing similarities in feeling. Take a deep breath and read the first sentence of this stanza aloud at a normal pace. Despite this tiresome length, the imagery that you fire up on line four is delicious, and it makes me crave what you have to say. I’m particularly fond of lines five and six, “where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept.” That’s beautiful.
The next segment of this stanza is geared towards a nugget of wisdom, and I love that. The only tweak I’d give this particular gem is to change the comma seen here:
things will work out, but if that’s true,
Change that comma to a semi-colon and you’re golden.
Stanza three is a bit issue-laced for me. You start off the stanza with a gimmick. Now, normally, gimmicks are fine…if you use them consistently. That’s not the case, however, so I would think about re-working this intro. It doesn’t fit with the remainder of the poem.
The following lines stick to your habit of bulky sentences without pauses. Please try to rectify this because you have some beautiful images here, and I’d hate to dislike them just for the sake of being exhausted while reading them. That said, I would also consider changing “a million pieces at our feet”, as that seems to be your only cliché in the entirety of the poem.
The last lines are great. Cut, print, check the gate—moving on.
Now, all-in-all, I loved this. However, the issues I found while reading turned me off just a tiny bit. Try working this around and see what you can develop. Poetry is a beautiful beast made of wet clay; it takes work to mold it into perfection.
Keep writing and keep me posted. PM me if you have any questions.
Your work has always been excellent, but this really blew the rest out of the water. I don't know when the transition from really good to blow my mind good happened, but it most certainly did. The imagery you've captured is exceptional, and is spot-on balanced with emotion. The language you've used is perfect, and carries connotations that really brings to light the hurt that the poem is projecting. And what's most impressive is that you've gone from using words to using images and thoughts. There's a point in poetry where people read the words and see the words as they read. But when someone does something good enough, you cease to see words, and you see images instead. You feel the words. It's hard to describe. But you did it, and it's something I've been working on since I started writing and have yet to achieve. The third stanza I think could use the tiniest bit of work in punctuation and the first two lines, but otherwise, I wouldn't recommend changing a thing.
Really a great piece... I must say an EPIC.. Loved it... I want an autograph.... I'm your fan from now on... Keep up the awesome work... Looking forward for your next works...
Oh my god.. This is the most amazing and emotional poem I have red so far. I really don't know how you did it, but my heart was filled with mixed emotions when I finished reading it. I just had to take a 20 second pause , so I can calm down. I cannot find any flaws. It's just perfect.
Nightshade wrote:we realized that love surrounded by broken promises isn't love at all.
That just gave me an epic straight face, followed by a big DAMN!. You really amazed me. Keep them coming. *bows*
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WOW!!!! This was so emotional, and the last three lines just ripped my heart to pieces! I loved it so much, but it was sad. I hope you keep writing because I would really like to here more.
this in geniunely exceptional. I couldnt have phrased a situation such as this more beautifully. you are extremely talented. I love all of your work and I truthfully believe that you have a profound and unique and rare ability to transmit your emotions through the words. you really but it all out there and you did it in a way that was classy...poised...graceful. It was true poetry. I commend you ability and exuburant emotion behind your pieces.
I only have a couple bits of critisisim.
I think that there were a few instances where your stanzas contained superfluous conjunctions that could be replaced with punctuation or prepositions.
other than that... your imagery was incredible. I was hooked at the first line.
you will go far with your work, i assure you of that.
keep writing., feel free to message me anytime, i'd love to get to know you and learn about your inspiration behind all of these magnificant works of art.
-Lexi
wonderful peom. I loved the word chose and the meaning the most. This is the best poem I have read so far and I have read alot. The talet you have is something others can only dream about and wish they had. Very nice poem.
B
E
A
UTIFUL!
Before I actually do the reviewers job of complaining, I just have to say, I have not read many other poetry peices that actually make it sound like poetry. Poets have a good talent these day's of making poetry sound more like a song, and not a poem itself. I always want to put a beat to them. So in my eyes, this is already a really good poem.
Before I start this, let me say, Im a person who really likes flow and rhythm. Youll notice that soon enough.
Ehh. I think you should take away the 'and'. It just doesnt sound right. Say it to yourself with and without the 'and' a couple of times and youll know what I mean.
Move 'that' to the next line. WAY too abrupt of a stop.
This is just a personal opinion, but I think this should be in the next line. There it would be given alot more emphasis, which is needed because this is actually important for the following line, and is shadowed by the line it is put in.
This is great. I could barely find anything wrong with this, and the things I did find were small. This is a great piece of poetry.
Wow, this is a truly amazing piece of poetry.
It seriously lefted me stunned. I have read a great deal of poetry but none have captured my mind as much as yours.
Its depth and language is amazing and shows a great deal of skill when it come to writing.
I do think a little more detail could be possibly used but that is only a thought as I think this is fabulous and a beautiful piece.
I can relate to the emotions and would look forward to reading more like this standard
I think now you've gotten me in the mood for poetry!
I love this. I love this so much. Your word choice and imagery are gorgeous. Bravo.
Here's my nitpick:
There's a fragment in there: "Pillows where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept." I didn't notice it the first time because it really is a beautiful phrase, but what you'll want to do is say:
This will make this line flow so much more smoothly and you won't have readers stopping and saying, "Wait. Was that a sentence?"
But amazingly done. You are so talented, and I hope you keep writing poetry like this.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi, pointe2drama here as requested.
Decaying light? what kind?
This is nice. It made me cry. I like it so much I'm going to post it on Tenyo's contest. Good Luck!
~pointe
Hey there.
Just being a little picky, but this line could do with an extra syllable:
Perhaps alter the word light to day light or moon light?
Remove the and here and it'll flow better, since it's following a semi-colon and the repetition of the conjunction in the line above makes it a wee bit choppy.
Removing the somehow cleans up the fluency in this ending sentence, giving it more effect. You can then use the some word and retain the idea of speculative thought and the it isn't likely vibe by replacing it with the word the. Just a suggestion, of course.
By breaking the middle line into an individual "clause" makes it have more of an effect of dwelling on. Thus enforcing the overall effect of the stanza. I think punctuating like this mildly helps the overall effect.
Keep tenses consistent.
The "to" was needed on the line above, because there was a deprivement of pace from the lack of a syllable (just pickiness, don't worry) and then for that to work, the following line needed to be manipulated into a present tense form. I think this sounds better, but it's up to you - naturally.
A syllable too far here!
By extending it out of the word isn't I feel that the impact of your ending is much larger and intoxicates the reader into the emotive atmosphere, so I'd change it to this.
Okay, so overall, this piece was pretty fabulous! I don't say that all too often, but a real good piece. Yes, I've pointed out numerous nit-picks, but hey-ho, they're JUST nit-picks. Many of them are suggestions to merely be considered, anyway.
Please keep writing, as this is great.
Hope this helped.
Ben
Thank you for the reviews everyone. I've done some editing that I hope filled in at least a few of the holes. If any of you see something that I changed for the worse, please tell me. Thanks again
Hey there, Nightshade. I like what you have going on here, but there’s room for improvement, of course. Instead of being pleasant and praising you for what you’ve done, I’m going to get into the meat of what we can improve together.
Alright. The major issue I have in this first stanza is rather easy to fix, in theory. The way you set up your line breaks, they cause issues with the flow of the words. Normally, flow issues come about because of word choice, but that’s not the case here. Try and rethink where you break your lines, because as it stands right now, the stanza is choppy and feels rather disruptive as compared to what you’re trying to say.
Secondly, the comma in the center, “flowers across my chest,” produces something that’s not particularly a flaw per se, but it’s an annoyance in that it makes the stanza feel like a run-on, long-winded sentence. It’s another issue with flow, but it’s completely cosmetic. Try incorporating a semi-colon instead in that spot; I think you’ll be pleased.
Thirdly, when you use the phrase, “sings and sings,” it doesn’t work like you’d intend. Verb repetition can be useful at times, but you miss your mark in this instance. Give me something fresh and intoxicating here. Also, I’d like to make a note that the second half of the stanza, “and I don’t…want to listen,” reads very heavily and can get tiresome. Despite this, however, you have a fantastic opening stanza; it sets a sense of longing and does its job as a scene-setter.
Stanza two is showing similarities in feeling. Take a deep breath and read the first sentence of this stanza aloud at a normal pace. Despite this tiresome length, the imagery that you fire up on line four is delicious, and it makes me crave what you have to say. I’m particularly fond of lines five and six, “where I once woke to find your eyes, fired and glowing, consuming me as I slept.” That’s beautiful.
The next segment of this stanza is geared towards a nugget of wisdom, and I love that. The only tweak I’d give this particular gem is to change the comma seen here:
Change that comma to a semi-colon and you’re golden.
Stanza three is a bit issue-laced for me. You start off the stanza with a gimmick. Now, normally, gimmicks are fine…if you use them consistently. That’s not the case, however, so I would think about re-working this intro. It doesn’t fit with the remainder of the poem.
The following lines stick to your habit of bulky sentences without pauses. Please try to rectify this because you have some beautiful images here, and I’d hate to dislike them just for the sake of being exhausted while reading them. That said, I would also consider changing “a million pieces at our feet”, as that seems to be your only cliché in the entirety of the poem.
The last lines are great. Cut, print, check the gate—moving on.
Now, all-in-all, I loved this. However, the issues I found while reading turned me off just a tiny bit. Try working this around and see what you can develop. Poetry is a beautiful beast made of wet clay; it takes work to mold it into perfection.
Keep writing and keep me posted. PM me if you have any questions.
-Lumi
Dude, you've grown.
Your work has always been excellent, but this really blew the rest out of the water. I don't know when the transition from really good to blow my mind good happened, but it most certainly did.
The imagery you've captured is exceptional, and is spot-on balanced with emotion. The language you've used is perfect, and carries connotations that really brings to light the hurt that the poem is projecting. And what's most impressive is that you've gone from using words to using images and thoughts. There's a point in poetry where people read the words and see the words as they read. But when someone does something good enough, you cease to see words, and you see images instead. You feel the words. It's hard to describe. But you did it, and it's something I've been working on since I started writing and have yet to achieve.
The third stanza I think could use the tiniest bit of work in punctuation and the first two lines, but otherwise, I wouldn't recommend changing a thing.
Excellent job.
-Coral-
Really a great piece...
I must say an EPIC..
Loved it...
I want an autograph.... I'm your fan from now on...
Keep up the awesome work...
Looking forward for your next works...
Oh my god..
This is the most amazing and emotional poem I have red so far.
I really don't know how you did it, but my heart was filled with mixed emotions when I finished reading it. I just had to take a 20 second pause , so I can calm down. I cannot find any flaws. It's just perfect.
That just gave me an epic straight face, followed by a big DAMN!. You really amazed me.
Keep them coming.
*bows*