I see your tears, and hear your call
With you backed up against the wall
I try to chain myself to the feeling
But I end up loosing my breath
-
With my every promise to stay
I feel myself drifting further away
The harder I try, the more of you go
So my love is cold, truth hidden deep
-
And if it were true, I would stay
I would wipe your tears away
The nightmare begging, missing me
It's all a facade, a beautiful lie
-
The truth greets me in the morning
You were never here
There is no tragedy, there is no love
There is indifference
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Hey, Ruby here with a short review,
WWW (What Went Well):
I love the fluidity of your writing, the stanzas can be easily read from one another with breaths taken when needed thanks to your punctuation choices. I love the description and mood that you create also. Every reader gets a unique image and interpretations in their mind which makes the poem flexible for a varied audience. Your word choices are so maturely done, they all seem to fit perfectly in the phrases you constructed.
EBI (Even Better If):
We need more, simply a longer piece. The writing is amazing ; I as the reader wish for more story line, more of a chill. I think that some longer sentence structures towards the end section could really 'bring it to life'. It would give me a lot more thoughts and questions...suspense.
Overall, amazing poem. You obviously took your time with it and let your hand flow with creativity. What you have done is unbelievably clever and put together. You have a gift for writing, carry on the great work!
Love Rubes x
Thanks for your kind words Quirks
Hi there, mordax here with a review!!
First off, I loved this poem! I love the message of it and honestly, the title. It was what hooked me in and I'm glad it did.
As for critiques, I don't have many but here they are:
I don't know exactly why, but the part "more of you go" felt difficult to read as I was falling into the lulling flow of your poem. Perhaps, "the more of you leaves"? On the same token, I think the word "try" in this line could be changed to a stronger verb. What is the narrator trying, exactly? Perhaps use a verb that insinuates this narrator trying to get back this loved one that seems just out of reach. (solely my opinion, so feel free to ignore lol)
In the following stanza, you end the first two lines the same way you did in the preceding stanza. I don't know if this was intentional, but while repetition is wonderful, I felt this repetition disrupted the flow.
Besides this, I have nothing to critique!! I love the line:
Wow! I love this concept, how reality isn't magnificent as literature often portrays it. I couldn't agree more.
Also, the lines:
You really captured that feeling of trying to hold on to these little moments but losing them nonetheless. Super realistic and beautifully done.
Overall, wonderful poem!! Keep writing!!
mordax
Thanks a lot mordax, very encouraging review
I lvoe this so much!! You prom is so amazing!! Just a tip, since it is called nightmare begging try and add that a bit more but other than that it was absolutely positively awesome.
The nightmare begging, missing me
It's all a facade, a beautiful lie
I love when you said this!! Your vocabulary is excellent. Most lies are considered to be a bad thing, and I love the way you went out of the box by saying it was beautiful. This gave it sense of false identity. Many books do this, to give their characters something false to hope for, and love. You executed this perfectly and I am extremely impressed.
This was a great poem, and it sounded professional, keep writing
Nightshadows out
Thanks a lot nightshadows, glad you felt this one.