A Dance That Never Was
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The night I almost danced away
The night I almost told you all
The night your heart was almost mine
But there is nothing left to hide
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It's a dance that never was
It's a way I never made you feel
And all the looks you never gave me
Under starry winter skies
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And now how can we go back
To that everlasting night
Raise emotion from the dead
If we were then so far apart
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How can I try to raise a fortress
With foundations never built
When all I have are hopes and mud
Always thirsty for my tears
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My dearest friend, comfort me
Find me in my darkest hour
Tell me there is still hope
To build a precious memory
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello!
I really liked this poem, it reminded me of "Cowboy like me" and "Gold Rush" both by Taylor Swift Mainly to gold rush, because you constantly imply that things never happened, like it was all your own fantasy. This Really makes you feel like looking back at one specific moment when you thought that you were about to get something or that you were extremely important to another person but in the end it was just one moment. The whole thing just makes me feel like I'm in a daydream. It is like a daydream that you almost believe that happened because you're so lost in it and desperate to make it real.
I truly loved this and I hope you keep writing.
Ooh, this poem's title caught my attention, and I would love to leave a few thoughts for you! ^_^ But first, welcome to YWS!! I hope you've been enjoying it so far, and if you ever have any questions, I'd love to help! c:
Wow, the sense of longing and desperation is strong in this! I think my favourite aspect of this poem is its "storytelling," if that's the right word cx Through your word choice and certain phrases, I think the feeling of yearning is nicely portrayed throughout this piece :) Your lines are simple and straightforward, but I think that simplicity makes this even more heartbreaking - there's desperation, but there also seems to be feeling of losing hope and giving up.
It's almost like at the end, the speaker is grasping at straws, trying so hard and so desperately to create something that wasn't there in the first place ("with foundations never built"). It's heartbreaking, because the reader knows or gets a sense that the "memory" the speaker wants to create probably won't be realized. In addition, I feel like the speaker knows that too deep down - but they ignore the realistic part of them telling it can't happen, and still cling on to the last bit of hope. That's what I got from this!
I think this is the most heartbreaking part for me, especially the second line. Maybe it's unrequited love, or maybe they just never had the opportunity to meet and "build a precious memory." But the simplicity and almost bluntness of the second line is what makes it so ahh </3
This part is another one of my favourites. This part is where I think it's sort of sinking in the speaker - they want to create something so beautiful and so strong, but they realize that it can't be done when "foundations" haven't been established first. And realization is heavy!
I do have one suggestion for you c:
I noticed a bit of close repetition ~
This is my personal opinion, so if you don't agree, then feel free to ignore! <3 Here you have repetition with the word "raise" -> I personally would avoid that, especially since they're quite close together and there's not significance of the repetition. I like to think that every word in a poem has a lot of significance, so it's cool to have a variety c: But again, this is your choice, so feel free to ignore me! ^_^
And that's all I got for you! I apologize for the relatively short review! Overall, I really did enjoy reading this piece of yours :) I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! <3
Thanks a ton Starlitmind, I am happy you expierienced this one.
Wow. Well that was heart wrenching. As someone who has never dated or even experienced serious crushes, this still successfully tugged at my heart strings.
Wow. Well that was heart wrenching. As someone who has never dated or even experienced serious crushes, this still successfully tugged at my heart strings.
Means a lot, thanks beep
Hiii! Ilium here for a small review!
First off, I can relate to this SOO much! Personally, I've liked a girl at my school for years, but we've never had that many classes together. Until this year, we haven't been that close. I always wished we were closer, and this year we are! We've even been on a date XD Point is, I relate a lot to this poem, and I'm sure a lot of others do to, so props for that.
Second, you have a talent for putting your emotions to eloquent words. I can tell this is a personal experience for you, and the symbolism you draw is excellent. Seriously, PLEASE keep writing!
I like in the third stanza how you said "mud always thirsty for my tears." The symbolism here is AWESOME! I love how it draws the image of dirt soaking up copious amounts of the tears you shed and still wanting more, like you can't stop crying.
The language you use is very impressive, as I said before. I really like this poem. It makes people think, and it makes people relate emotionally.
Such a great poem! Peace and Tacos be with you!
I'm glad it got personal. Good luck with that girl mate.
Hi there! Mordax here with a review.
To start off, I absolutely loved this poem. I love the flow you established and the meaning behind it--this love that never was but could have been. It's a very bittersweet concept and one you beautifully portrayed.
As for critiques, I have very little, so I will provide commentary instead:
I thought this was interesting for instead of saying "my heart was yours" you said "your heart was mine" which is a different take and really portrays the narrator's character as craving this love--maybe even loving this dance that never was for the concept of being loved.
I just had to paste this whole stanza because I love it. I always love seeing the title of a work in the work itself and you fit it in beautifully in a way that flowed.
I really like the "raise emotion from the dead" part, but I think it would be a lot more impactful if the next line connected with this "dead" imagery. This is my opinion, and it's beautiful the way it is so you can ignore me if this is what you intended.
The fortress imagery without the foundation and then including building with mud... immaculate. I loved this stanza so much. My one critique is that the last line didn't feel as though it fit in with the preceding lines in the stanza. It's imagery didn't match and I was a bit confused by the point you were trying to make with it. That might just be my interpretation though, but I do wonder what you meant by it, because up until this point it seemed the narrator mourned this dance that never happened, so I would think this lacking fortress wouldn't have a shortage of tears.
I thought you ended off this poem beautifully. I love how you never truly focus on the "love" in the poem and rather focus on the moments that were missed. In my opinion, it really shows the selfish side of love and how we are all craving these memories, these moments where we feel loved and where we feel limitless, rather than simply craving the person.
Overall, beautiful poem!
mordax
Thanks for the review mordax. You really picked up a lot, I love your interpretation.