The dream's still lingering on the air.
Say, nothing's happening.
The dream continues for another night.
Hush, my hands are sweating.
It hurts being alone with the sky below you,
the sun faraway from you, giving no light at all.
Say, I dream of standing on a top of a tower,
In my mind, a voice echoes, go fall.
I wonder what to fall from a high place
And to drown in the pond and sea and ocean.
I wake up and still lie on the bed.
Tomorrow, I'll die, huh? Still I want to die beautifully.
The eyes close again with a white ceiling as their last sight.
I dream of standing alone on a tower again.
I sing a requiem, drying out my tears.
I jump.
The angels' wings are wow.
They drain my my life and my sight's gone after I hear the fire burning in the Hell.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
i knew you liked hell.
dries tears of volcanic ash.
Hi Nichol!
This is quite an amazing poem. I love how it is all organized so that it looks like it's falling!
"It hurts being alone with the sky below you,
the sun faraway from you, giving no light at all."
I really liked this particular stanza. It gives me a nice image, and it makes me think of someone standing on a cliff or being on the brink of something.
"Say, I dream of standing on a top of a tower,
In my mind, a voice echoes, go fall."
The 'go fall' part seems pretty powerful to me, but I'm not sure about the 'say'. It repeats from before, and disrupts the flow a bit here. I was expecting it to repeat more than once, but it did not. Your choice whether you keep it or not.
"I wake up and still lie on the bed.
Tomorrow, I'll die, huh? Still I want to die beautifully. "
This part is very cool as well. It's pretty frank about this person's thoughts, and I like that. They're being open and honest, and it adds more depth when they say they want to die beautifully.
"The eyes close again with a white ceiling as their last sight.
I dream of standing alone on a tower again. "
You use 'again' twice in this stanza, so you may want to consider a different wording. I'm also curious- why " the eyes close again"? The narrator has been in first person thus far.
"The angels' wings are wow ."
To me, this is kind of disruptive and sudden. It may be that the narrator is conveying that their thoughts are disjointed, and I think that would be fine. The way I see it, it seems a little bit awkward.
All in all, this is a beautiful poem! I think it's powerful and I like the way you convey the message. Great job, and keep writing!
-Falco
Thanks. I had been too long not writing poetry and supposed, this would be bad. Therefore, most of them kind of like just popped over in my head. Yet, thanks!
Hey NicolMemo,
I like that you aren't afraid of using layout and white space in poetry. I think I probably would have put "I jumped" at the end of the ledge that "sight" creates, and then everything else straight aligned left, but I like how you did it too. It sort of gets to that edge and everything goes quicker from there.
You also do very good with telling a story through the poetry. You're drawing us into the idea that your character is at this tower and they're planning on jumping, but it's all wrapped up inside a dream that happens multiple days in a row. This makes it not only pretty, but it also provides us some context for reality, and adding the details like "my hands are sweating" really helps draw it into reality as well.
I think you could use a little bit of work on developing the plot a little more. You have that this person is dreaming of dying again, and again, and again, but we really don't understand why that is important at all. The more you make it matter to us, the easier it's going to be for us to get into the poem. If it's not important that they're dreaming about it, then take the dream out of it and just dive right into the idea that they're standing on a tower and they're going to jump. This is going to be more shocking, and it's going to give you time to talk about why they are going to jump, even if it's something that they don't know themselves. Maybe that's what they're struggling with for the poem rather than it being a dream?
There's also a line that bugs me "I wonder what to fall from a high place" because "I wonder what [it's like] to fall from a high place" is what I expect to read, but you're missing it. I don't know if that's just a typo or if you left it out on purpose, but it creates an unexpected result and I'm not sure it makes sense the way it is now.
Overall, good job. I really like it. See what happens if you rewrite the poem without it being a dream, just straight up reality for the narrator, and also fix the line in this one.
Aley
Hey. I will like want to try your suggestion rewriting this poem and the others. Your review is helpful, thanks~!
Okay here for some quickie suggestions to spice up this poem.
First of all, I LOVE this layout/structure of your poem!
Very captivating!
SUGGESTIONS:
1. You should sum up or make longer stanzas simple and short by removing
some articles and the extra words not necessary. It sounds like a short story a little bit
e.g;
'The eyes close again with a white ceiling as their last sight.'
'I dream of standing alone on a tower again. '
like this;
'Closing my eyes again, the last sight of white ceiling,
'I dream again of standing alone on a tower'
2.'I wake up and still lie on the bed.'
Shouldn't 'lie' be in present tense? As in 'laying'? And make it simple and short too like this;
'I wake up, still laying on the bed'.
Overall, interesting poem you wrote there love
Keep writing!
Cheers!
I thank you very much for your suggestions. And pardon me for the last reply. These suggestions will prove helpful to me. Yet, thanks!