Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
They met at a bar in New York.
He smelled like Marlboro Red's and Jack Daniel's.
She smelled like Sour Diesel and Dior.
He caught his woman cheating on a rainy Friday night
With a man who was half his height
But had a wallet fatter than her ass.
She left her man because she simply needed more than what he had to offer.
She wanted unconditional love and intensity,
Understanding and acceptance.
Things that she never had.
She wanted to find a man whose soul latched to hers,
Who fit into her puzzle piece, physically and mentally.
Not a man who took away her freedom, her spirit, her fire.
He was obsessed with the money, his drugs, the whole wide world.
She was obsessed with her own freedom, and was infatuated by the power of her own youth.
He was infatuated with the fire that surrounded her, that lived inside of her, that made her so beautifully fierce,
And how anyone who came into contact was touched with her warmth.
How she chose who to burn,
And refused to let anyone put her fire out.
He once swore that he would never do anything to take away that magnificent flame.
She was infatuated with him and his ice cold heart and the ink on his skin that made him so beautifully unique.
He was like no other,
And she once swore that she would melt his heart to its core someday.
Now, it has been three years.
It is 9 AM and he is piss drunk on a Sunday morning for the third week in a row.
And her dress is covered in blood.
She is screaming behind a locked but not so sturdy bathroom door,
Waiting for the inevitable.
And in a matter of seconds the door is gone,
Nothing to seperate them.
And so he strikes like a snake.
With every cry and scream,
He grips deeper into her skin.
With every hit and fall,
She is seeing stars
With every drop of blood that leaves her body,
Goes the flame with it.
She looks up at him with crying green eyes filled with venom,
And then she runs,
Just like Momma always did when things got bad.
She runs outside in her little white church dress ,
His motorcycle keys in her hand.
Rain is falling from the sky and it's pouring from her eyes
She hops on his bike and she rides.
Rides away from the life right behind her,
Away from the man who tried to extinguish her flame when he swore he never would.
She has no idea where she is going
But once again, she wants more than what this man has to offer.
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140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
I expressed earlier on another poem of yours that I was apprehensive of reading more of your work.
Oh boy was I right.
This poem doesn't even try to be politically correct. It dives head-on into its controversial subject matter, tackles it fearlessly, and gives the main character the guts to cut loose. It's raw, but not in the way youth is raw and foolish. This poem is raw with the experience of maturity. And that hurts.
Of course, the pain is enjoyable, because that is the art of it all.
The format can be confusing at times, because the characters are referred to using pronouns. Somehow, I can't consider that a flaw. Maybe it adds to the raggedness. Maybe the incoherence is a metaphor.
In any case, kudos to the writer. Please, by all means, keep writing.
Hi!
I think you reviewed one of my works, so I thought I'd read one of yours.
First off - amazing poem! I loved reading it and the imagery was great. I could imagine everything so clearly, it was very real. It was really good. I liked how you didn't have a rhyming scheme, it was surprising how well it flowed and how story like it sounded despite the different lengths of lines etc... No rhyming allowed you to express the story exactly how you wanted it, rather than changing the meaning because no rhyme fits.
The actual story was great, although I can't personally relate to it, as a reader I could really empathise with both sides to the story, in the first half with the man and in the second with the woman.
I also like how you repeated certain phrases like :
"she wants more than what this man has to offer. " It tied it together and made it seem more like a poem. But it also seemed a lot like a story, with the way you told it I guess and the flow of the language.
Overall, great poem. Keep writing.
Tick tock
Welcome to YWS! I'm Pamplemousse, and I'm here to review your work. I'm warning you though, I haven't done a review in over a year, so I'm pretty rusty.
...Like the Tin Man... Anyways, let's get started!
This poem honestly hit close to home for me. It's not often that I can connect myself to a story, but there were parts of this poem that reminded me of my own life. But that's a good thing! You're allowing your readers to get more into the poem by giving them something to connect with -- something to relate to.
"With a man who was half his height
But had a wallet fatter than her ass." This part honestly made me laugh. I know I shouldn't but the way you worded it was great.
"And she once swore that she would melt his heart to its core someday." Stupid thing to point out, but I think you put an extra space after swore?
"Just like momma always did when things got bad."
Just a suggestion, but you might want to capitalize the m in Momma.
Other than that, there's not anything else I can notice that might need to be changed.
Overall, I really liked your poem. Even though this is your first work, you're already a great writer. There's always room for improvement, though!
I hope to read more of your works in the future. I hope you enjoy it here on YWS!
~Pample
Thank you so much! I am happy that you could connect to the poem. I like to try and write things that people can relate to, because I write with a lot of emotion. I'll work on improvements(: