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Butterfly

by Namjoon2003


(This was inspired by BTS. I chose to do Butterfly because it is a powerful and beautiful song. This probably really bad, this is my first time writing something like this so bare with me. 

Lyrics that helped me with this:

https://colorcodedlyrics.com/2015/11/bts-bangtanso...

This is the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Jdg7QkGOGO

(Narrator entering onto the stage) Your smile says it all. So, just close your eyes and don't think of anything at all. (Closes eyes) It's like you are a dream that I don't want to ever wake up from 'cause I'm afraid that if I do then you will disappear from me forever. (Opens eyes. Starts walking around) Looking at you makes me afraid. Your so beautiful that it makes me scared. Makes me think that you are untrue, that you are unreal. (Stops walking, and kneels down on knees, and reaches up to the sky.) I asked you to stay forever with me by my side, would you promise me to stay. (Brings hand slowly close to chest.) You're frail to where I'm afraid. (Holds hands together on chest, looks down sadly.) I'm afraid that if I let you go, you'll fly away or shatter into pieces. (Stands) Promise, that you'll stop the time if this moment passes by, like it never happened. Because my only fear is losing you. (Smiles) Because you are.... My Butterfly.


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117 Reviews


Points: 38
Reviews: 117

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Thu Apr 26, 2018 5:05 pm
Katnes wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you hurt you or make this song? seem bad or demean it.

1. What I liked
This was very sweet. I loved that. That last line was most touching.

2. Drafting
Okay I have a feeling that this could be better drafted. But I an no Shakepsere so how would I know how monologues are dafted? I do know this. You might want to consider giving your character a name. It would help I think.

3. Style & Word choice.
Okay . . .first of all I think this could be a little more passionate sounding. Something about word choice made it seem as though . . .well as though this is a love song-Okay so I know this is based one but this would be more emotion stirring without the love song eliment to it-no offense of course. Thats not meant to say thats bad. It's just me. Let me show you what I mean-

So, just close your eyes and don't think of anything at all. (Closes eyes) It's like you are a dream that I don't want to ever wake up from 'cause I'm afraid that if I do then you will disappear from me forever.

It that close your eyes and don't think of anything at all. Somehow that could be more dreamy.
Close your eyes and forget everything let it go by like a breeze. It's like you are a dream I'm afraid to wake up from because then you'd dissapear.

Something like that.

3. Encouragement
This is really well written if I do say so my self. It was speacial and well unique. Keep up that style!

4. Overall
Overall I thought this was neat and well uh excuse the pun-and well played out.




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79 Reviews


Points: 8226
Reviews: 79

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Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:00 am
Daughter wrote a review...



hi there! i'm londone, here to review your work!

This is quite the interesting piece. You seem to be trying to express something deep. I haven't actually heard this song, but judging by your work it resonated nicely into your heart. The narrator is a nice character that made me contemplate a few things. I was a bit confused as to what was going on, exactly? Was it possible some sort of performance/act? That was what I came to with this piece. It was much different than many of the other artworks I've seen/reviewed. You did a wonderful job doing something unique!

On a more technical note, you did have some grammatical errors-- but only a few.

Your so beautiful that it makes me scared.
"Your" should be "You're" in this context.

Quick Grammar Lesson
"Your" is used when you are talking about someone's possession of something. For example:
"Scout is your dog."
"You're" is short for "you are." For example:
"You're looking very beautiful today."

Anyway, I really enjoyed this! I hope to see more from you in the future that's unique and fun!

londone





A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon