I was wandering through the forest
In the greenery, amidst the trees
Basking in the warmth of the setting sun,
Savoring the evening breeze
Till my eyes chanced upon a heavenly vision,
A semblance of waterlilies
Their petals shimmering in the water,
Their fleece as white as snow
In the beams of the waning sunlight,
Their skin would glisten and glow
Floating upon the lily pads,
They would sparkle with flair
Sparkling like spotlights on the dancing floor,
In the sun's fading glare
Such was the sight that held my wonder,
And I would hardly care,
To trade all the bounties of this world
For just these flowers, in a pair
Were so very rare
This was inspired my William Wordsworth's lovely poem "The Daffodils". Tell me how it is and please comment! This is my first publication on this site.
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I love the wonderful picture that this poem paints in my mind. It is lyrical and it has everything I love about nature-inspired poems.
"Basking in the warmth of the setting sun," is such a warm, inviting line. It is one of my favorites along with "Such was the sight that held my wonder,/ And I would hardly care." Terrific control and poetic creativity.
Your poem flows so nicely, you hardly have to brush up anything, in my opinion. Though, they say you can always keep improving on anything in life...
I'll give you my two cents on a few nitpicks, but this is simply my opinion on a few minor changes you may consider
I don't think the line "Were so very rare" at the very end is necessary. I think the line "For just these flowers, in a pair," finishes the poem out nicely and simplistically. I feel like "were so very rare," just drags the poem out and puts a damper on the amazing work you have done.
The line" And I would hardly care," doesn't really set with me for some reason. I think the "and" needs to be changed up, perhaps to "though."
Honestly, those are the only things I would possibly consider changing. I would highly consider removing the last line, because the second to last line stands out just as well and even better, in my opinion.
Keep on writing, because this is a lovely poem! Well-crafted and precise. You are a natural poet!
Hi there, Mysticalxx, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here to review your lovely work!
This was a really beautiful poem. Your imagery was superb and it brought to my mind a vision of waterlilies. I think that you could do without the pictures at the bottom, because your poem gives readers all the visual they need to envision these flowers. A few other suggestions:
...aaaand now I'm singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in my head. I'd recommend changing this line to avoid that problem.
I don't like the use of "would" in these lines. It just sounds a bit too informal amid all this more formal language that you've been using. Change it to something more like
Of course, don't use that exactly. You can make up for the loss of "would" in the meter with other pretty words, but that's to you to do.
1. I think that "and" would be better as "that"
2. I don't really think the last line is necessary. The penultimate line completes the rhyming scheme that you've been following, so the last line just seems to come out of nowhere. I'd recommend removing it.
3. I really like these last few lines (barring the very last, of course) and how they show the beauty of the waterlilies. "All the bounties of this world" is a wonderful use of words. I think you have a gift for good description.
That's about all I noticed. Your grammar was good, for the most part. There were places where there should have been punctuation, so I'll leave you with this lovely article from the YWS Knowledge Base.
Poetry & Punctuation
Overall, this poem was very, very lovely, and did an excellent job painting a picture in my head of the waterlilies. You really know how to make good use of the English language.
Thank you for pointing out the mistakes! I'll do better, thanks!
Beautiful! I love the wording of this poem! I hope to read more of your work!
Hello, priceofwords here!
Wow, for your first poem this was amazing! It really captured the true beauty of nature. Your use of language was excellent, and there were no spelling, grammar or punctuation issues that I could find, so well done.
Some of the lines which I particularly liked were,
'A semblance of waterlilies,
Their petals shimmering in the water.'
The imagery you used here made me feel as though I were there myself, and I love the idea of 'petals shimmering.' In addition to this I really love your use of the word, 'semblance' in this context!'
Another part of your poem I liked was,
'To trade all the bounties of this world,
For just these flowers, in a pair.'
Your exquisite use of language really comes to the fore here, and the way in which you structured that second line there was just awesome.
There isn't much to say about the poem in terms of improvements. However, I would advise you to split it into stanzas if you can, because this would make it easier for people to read and review. Of course, it's your call, but that is what I would suggest.
As well as this, some of your lines don't match up in terms of syllables. The lines,
'Such was the sight that held my wonder,
And I would hardly care,'
are effective, but because there are quite a few lines like this within your poem, having an uneven number of syllables, it makes your poem a touch fragmented. If I were you I would go back and look over a few of them, to see if you can add a few more words here and there.
Other than that, your poem was outstanding, one that could rival the great Wordsworth's himself! Please keep writing, I really look forward to reading more of your work!
priceofwords
Also, welcome to YWS!
Thank of very much, priceofwoods! This is not my first poem, actually, I have written a lot of poems throughout my writing time. This is my best poem, though. Thanks for the compliments and advice. I really appreciate it.
I'm new here (as you know), so could you explain a few things to me? Like how do you earn points?
Thanks!
That's okay, and you earn points by reviewing other people's work. Then you can spend it on giving gifts or on publishing work of your own. If you want to earn more points feel free to check out my work if you want.
thanks! I will