E - Everyone

Cat

Note: This was written when I was ten, so it is meant to be childish and simple.  That is, I meant it to be written using simple words and expressions. I hope you like it! :)


Cat

A furry little creature,

With lots of cute features

Swishing its tail when angry,

Meowling loudly when hungry

It has a  fine coat of silk,                                                                    

It likes to drink milk

It has a meek little face,

And runs at a swift pace

It has glowing green eyes,

It likes to scamper after mice

It longs every now and then for a pat,

You guessed right; it's a cat                                        

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Harker
Review
Harker wrote a review · Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:28 pm

Hey there, Mystical! I'm back with a short review.

Today I've got three small nitpicks for you. Ready?

1.

Meowling loudly when hungry


Not sure if someone brought this up, but "meowling" isn't a word. Did you mean "mewling" or "meowing"? Those are both commonly-used terms and would make a lot of sense. But if you made up your own word, congratulations! I kinda like it. :D

2.
It has glowing green eyes,

It likes to scamper after mice


What does "mice" rhyme with?
It seems to me your rhyme scheme is "AA BB CC DD EE", but this is "AA BB CC DE FF". Remember, continuity is just as important in a short poem as in a novel.

3. And, finally, pronouns.

You use "it" a lot in this poem, and I'm totally fine with this because it establishes a playful, sing-songy voice that makes this sound like a riddle. But, if this is meant to be a gender-neutral pronoun, try "they". A cat is not an "it"--it's a living being. So you can go with either "he", "she", or "it".

--

Overall, this is generic, but it's a nice poem from when you were young. Keep it so you remember when you're older! I imagine this would be a nice discovery.

IronSpark

This poem makes me smile. It is just so freaking adorable that I want to pick it up and hug it!

I really like how you captured the essence of a cat, even if it was done in an almost stereotypical way. If you took out the ending and the title, we would still have a clear image of what it was you were writing about.

I like the rhythm of this poem, but at times you can lose it and this draws away from the actual poem itself. Its not overly distracting, but its enough for people to pick this out more than your good use of imagery.

Overall this poem is really cute, its simple and its got just enough descriptive detail to convey your subject well.

I look forward to seeing your next piece.

User avatar
cleverclogs
Review

Hi there, Mysticalxx! cleverclogs here to review!

This was cute. I for one like the simple words and rhymes, and think it works very nicely. I love cats, so this was a fun poem to read. A few suggestions:

Swishing its tail when angry,

Meowling loudly when hungry


1. Is "meowling" a word? I know that "mewling" and "meowing" are, but I'm not sure about "meowling".

2. These lines kind of make the rhythm from the first two lines falter. Maybe you could rephrase it.

Also, I second Lylas's sentiment about the overuse of "it". It would be better to replace it with "he" or "she", even though the cat could be either (see, this is why you need a gender-neutral pronoun, English). One of those would be less impersonal.

I also agree with what Lylas said about punctuation. Here's a handy-dandy article on the subject. I think I may have given you this link in another review, but I'll post it again anyway.

Poetry & Punctuation

The rhymes weren't forced at all, which is somewhat unusual for a poem like this. You did a good job making even the not-quite rhymes sound natural. Most everything flowed very nicely, and it was really cute, too. :P Especially taking into consideration your age when you wrote this, you've done a fine job here. Keep up the great work!

Thanks for the advice and compliments! :)I actually meant for the poem to have a lot of 'its' but if it seems weird to readers, then I'll fix it. Thanks for the link! :)

(see, this is why you need a gender-neutral pronoun, English)


I think the best we have is "they".

User avatar
elysian
Review

Hello! This is a very cute, simple poem :-) I see from what you put at the top, that you wrote this when you were ten :-)

For a ten year old, this is very good. I like the way you described the cat, you did a great job considering it was so simple.

The only thing that I would fix is the way you punctuated most of it. Editing would still be recommended if you're going to post it! Not that the punctuation is bad, it just seems weird to have no punctuation after a line when it is finished (as a sentence). I would go back and add periods to the spaces without commas.

And one more thing: you say "It" a lot. Maybe change that out for "creature" or "s/he".

thank you for reading until here :-)

- Lylas

Thanks for everything you said? But I've got a question: What do I need to punctuate? I mean. the lines of my poem are so short, so i figured that there wasn't much need!

Just to make it more clean, obviously, it's up to you :-)



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