Act I, Scene II – Forbidden Dance:
Once I reach the end of the stairs, I am introduced to a dimly lit circular room that smells strongly of cigarettes. Even though the scent is fresh, there was no one in the room. Or that was what I thought, until I look up at the stage. There is a long silver pole in the middle of the stage, and on it was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.
She locks eyes with me, ominous deep grey eyes with my dark brown ones. She wears nothing but a short skirt, high heels, and a see through white shirt. She beckons me closer with her slender finger, and I begin to move towards her without thinking. I sit in the chair in front of the stage and watch her without blinking. She moves about on the pole like a serpent on a tree, each piece of clothing coming off one by one. She steps out of her skirt and slips out of her shirt with swift movements. She kicks her heels off, and soon enough, she’s in front of me, stark naked.
I’ve seen girls naked in my day, Alice not being one of them, but none of them had looked like the girl I was staring at. Her bright red hair, curly but flowing, fell over her milky white shoulders and covered her breasts. I watched her, a mixture of feelings flowing through me.
Everything about her seemed radiant at one point, but now to me it seemed oddly macabre. In front of me her figure seemed to shift. From gorgeous to hideous; enchanting to horrific.
Just as doubt beings to tug at my heart, it is easily swept away when she touches my face. She is on her knees, our noses inches away from touching. I see her eyes clearly this time, and I swear in her pools of grey there were faint faces of different men, screaming for their very lives.
Let’s escape this awful place.
Her lips hadn’t moved, but I heard her voice. It drifted to me like cold mist, sending feeling of fear and warmth through my body. All thoughts of doubt washed away from me completely, and all I could do was stand up and follow her. I didn’t care about anything but her, not even the fact that the room was filled with faint screaming and wicked cackling.
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Part two.
Woah. Well, that wasn't what I was expecting, I can tell you that much. I was assuming that the story would decline into something... less original. A fortune teller, maybe. But. No, she was a stripper... well then. You know, I feel increasingly sorry for Alice as this progresses, and I barely even know her character.
There isn't a whole lot else I can say about this that I didn't say about part one. Again, it's original. Intriguing, too. Your narrator remains interesting, but aside from all of that, there's still very little description, save for when you describe the people and little bits and pieces. True, you describe the important bits, but I still feel like it's lacking something. As far as I know, that table and the stage and the pole are all floating in space somewhere, with a few sidewalks. Otherwise, it's this big, black void. Granted, if you think about it in the right way, it makes the story more eerie, buuut... something are just still... a little unclear. They had pole dancers back in the day. They've had strippers since pretty much forever. Erin's clothing- mostly the high heels- is another hint that this is modern day, but little sprinklings of description wouldn't be so bad.
Just add something every now and then- we don't need paragraphs of description or anything. Just a little tidbit here and there to give us a broader understanding of the surroundings.
And that's really all I have to say, other than that I am wanting to know what happens to your narrator and his wife after this. O.o I'd really like to see more of Alice and learn more about their relationship, so if you have more parts to this story and you ever want to post them, shoot me a message.
Keep writing,
~~Ish