Act I, Scene I – Wander:
Once again, Alice is yelling.
I sit silently at our dinner table, a small, round, pathetic wooden thing in our little house at the outskirts of a small town.
Alice stands at the stove, the kettle whistling like a beaten child, bickering about how I never pay the slightest attention to her. It is hard to pay attention to something so small; something so skinny that you could see bones, skin pasty white, and head balding. She is weak and unable to do anything that I wish.
When I married Alice, I never would have guessed that cancer would spoil her once beautiful body. I used to look at her with love and desire, but now, all I feel is complete disgust.
“Are you even listening to me?” Alice yells. I sigh and stand. Without saying another word I make my way to the front door.
“So that’s what you’re going to do? Run away from this once more? That’s okay! I’m better off without you anyway!”
And with that, I slam the door in her face.
I don’t remember how long I’ve been walking. I kick the pebbles at my feet, trying hard not to think of my wife’s graying and dying body. It is embarrassing being married to a thing like that. I would leave her if I could, but people would find it odd that we divorce right after she’s been diagnosed.
I walk until I find that I’ve walked right out of town. I find myself in front of a morbid, dilapidated building in the middle of nowhere.
On the aging wooden door of the building there is a message in chipping red paint. Step in to see the amazing Erin! Come one, come all!
I am about to turn around and go back to town until an unknown feeling floods me. My legs, which were once aching, are no longer sore. My head was no longer pounding. All thoughts were free from my mind, and the only thing I wanted was to step into the ugly building. My heart pounds, seeking the one called ‘Erin’.
I open the door and step in, ignoring the broken stairs, the cracks in the walls, or the cobwebs at the corner of the ceiling. I hear voices, not distant, but circling around me.
Come, my love.
Come to me
Come to me
Come...
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello again, MrAwesomeSauce. Here to review as promised.
So, this was a pretty short, to-the-point piece, so this might end up being a pretty short, to-the-point review.
First of all, you have an interesting premise going. It's not every day you hear a story about a man who's disgusted with his wife because she's been diagnosed with cancer (which is, in itself, enough to break my heart. But I'm an empathetic little thing). The narrator's obviously distressed, his disgust obvious. His characterization is interesting, to say the least. All in all? Albeit his seemingly shallow demeanor, I rather like him. He's original.
There's not a whole lot else I can say about the characters or the plot-line, since there isn't a whole lot here to go by. It seems original enough thus far, and as far as I can tell, your MC/narrator is, as I said, an interesting voice.
So, I'm going to talk about the actual writing instead. First of all, you have some description. But from what it is, I still can't tell much about their surroundings. Heck, I'm having trouble figuring out what era it's from. I'd think that it's modern-day, though there isn't a whole lot backing it up. For starters, although I like your narrator's voice, it sounds like it's coming from someone who lived a couple hundred years ago. Realistically speaking, people in our day and age don't think quite so... whimsically (I'm not entirely sure that that's the right word, but I'm drawing a blank). It's not even the word choice that throws me off; it's the way the words are placed that gets me. The sentence structure seems a little... rustic. The lack of description doesn't really help. It's an old house, judging by the cracks and whatnot, and you have a stove and a whiny kettle (and while I'm on that, just a quick note. When you were describing the kettle and Alice, it was a little hard to decipher which you were talking about. The woman, or the kitchen utensil?).
People have had stoves for quite some time now. People have lived in old, slightly run-down houses for quite some time now. You don't have to add a lot, but maybe throw in something about a car or a horse-drawn carriage when he steps outside?
Like I said, I'm reasonably sure it's modern day, but... it could use a little clearing up.
That being said, I really did like it. The voice and the writing itself just needs a little tweaking and clarification.
Keep writing and off to part two!
~~Ish