Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Dramatic

16+ Language Mature Content

Hypochondriac Chapter 4

by MoonlightForest


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Noah - 6/31 - Morning 

“I said, spit or swallow?”

Noah looked down at the squirming blonde by his feet. What did she just ask him? He rubbed his temples in a half-attempt to disappear the bright black spots eating away at his vision.

“Huh...What?” He grimaced, yanking his shirt up halfway. The blonde sat on her heels with her mouth positioned right above his boxers. Mascara fallout trailed from underneath her purple-rimmed eyes. Her lips appeared to be deeply swollen. Was he responsible for that? He thought he heard her snort as he studied the fierce red crisscrosses that carved a path down his navel.

“Would. You. Like. Me to swallow your cum?” She repeated a little more brazenly. Noah closed his eyes and leaned back onto the bedpost. “Not now, not now…” He chanted, chorus-like. He felt no longer in control of his impulses: one kick between her splayed thighs would send this blonde bimbo flying into the back wall.

“I just want to touch you,” She murmured, crawling up to his knees. “Handsome clients like you don’t come around very often. God knows how many unshaven 40-year-olds I’ve had to jerk off…” She flopped onto his pelvic bone and nestled her head between his legs.

A spasm traveled up Noah’s thighs as the blonde bit the tender skin just inches away from his crotch. He didn’t have any fight in him, even as she dug her acrylics into his foreskin and giggled in response to his helpless whimpering. “I’m going to ask one more time. Spit or swallow?” She said with a sadistic glimmer in her eyes. Noah tensed his muscles all the way, anticipating the feeling of fingers scurrying down his shaft like a cluster of baby spiders. Instead, she clutched his manhood and gathered it between her hands, drowning out the sound of his placid moaning with her excitement. He didn’t want her lips to lower over him like they had before, though his body desperately wanted it. Her tongue had just escaped her lips as he inched away from her grasp on the bed. A childish anger seized him; he wanted to strike out his body parts out like frenzied blades— anything to get her off the goddamn king.

“I think I’m good.” He said, probing for the elastic of his boxers which had been pulled out from underneath him in the struggle. His skin prickled with embarrassment.

The blonde moved her hands up towards his chest, anything to keep the contact going. She continued to survey him with her eyes even after he lifted off the bed, effectively untangling himself from her grasp.

Just as Noah grasped the door handle, the blonde got up and stood near the entrance, pouting out her bare chest. “Don’t you want what you paid for?”

Noah shook his head, pausing to grab her shirt and bra off the dresser. He tossed it the wad to her. “Breakfast is complimentary. Anything extra, just tell them to put on room 103.” He then waited for her to leave. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 7243
Reviews: 73

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2019 4:13 pm
Asith wrote a review...



Hey! Although this is an old post, I thought I'd review it anyway, mainly because I was shocked at how much I actually enjoyed it. At face value, it doesn't seem like the type of thing I'd enjoy reading -- especially not on it's own -- but you've proved (yet again) that your writing skill wins me over.

I loved your tendency towards describing facial features at the beginning. The mascara fallout and swollen lips; this indirectly paints the physical closeness of the two in the scene, and whether that was on purpose or not, it really works!

He felt no longer in control of his impulses: one kick between her splayed thighs would send this blonde bimbo flying into the back wall.

God, this is a wonderful sentence! The description of the kick and the use of the word bimbo really does something to bring Noah's thoughts. I can't even pinpoint it exactly, but it's a remarkable bit of insight!

I also really love how your focus on contact, be it physical or eye-contact. It adds to the (relative) intimacy of the whole scene. This is a paragraph that I think does this extremely well:
The blonde moved her hands up towards his chest, anything to keep the contact going. She continued to survey him with her eyes even after he lifted off the bed, effectively untangling himself from her grasp.



For the record, a lot of your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. I wonder if these are the kinks you said you were going to work out later? In that case, you can ignore this, but if you didn't realise these are mistakes, then you should definitely look up how to punctuate speech! It's important, and can throw off experienced readers




User avatar
329 Reviews


Points: 16317
Reviews: 329

Donate
Mon Jul 08, 2019 5:56 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hi, Moonlight! Such a short chapter, to my disappointment. :( (I WANT MORE!) ;)

Ah, Noah. I still don't know what to make of him. I know it's too early to form an opinion on him but still, I hate not figuring out the characters I'm reading about. And I must say, you're doing a wonderful job in keeping him a mystery. Ellie was, in a way, simple. You know, she doesn't appear to be all that mysterious. She seems like a girl with understandable fears concerning her marriage and how it would affect her individuality.

He felt no longer in control of his impulses: one kick between her splayed thighs would send this blonde bimbo flying into the back wall.


This sentence stopped me in my tracks. I now definitely believe Noah is going through worse. I don't think he's violent person but he has got violent tendencies. Or maybe the stuff he is going through is making him this way. There's Too many questions in my mind which will be answered in the other chapters, I think. (No pressure, hahaha)

Okay, I think I'm over analysing, I'm going to stop now. And before that, a small typo:

He tossed it the wad to her.


Wonderfully written. I love it. I cannot wait for the next chapter. You're my favourite writer, right now. <3

Keep writing! Cheers!






First of all, just wanted to say I'm so effin happy I have a fan! That pretty much made my whole week. Also, it's short because well, writer's block. I like to dive deeper into that sort of messed-up psyche and I really think that'll be part of the fun in sketching out Noah's character. He's not really a bad person so far, but having to care for his mother- who is facing a slew of mental and physical ailments -takes an emotional toll on him that causes him to lash out in unexpected ways. Also, having his promiscuity surface as a defining character trait will make the big reveal (wait, what?) even more exciting. I'll be putting out some more work today and hopefully being able to post by Wednesday, once I review. But I am a little lazy at reviewing other people's work ;(



Dreamy says...


Ah, understandable. Don%u2019t feel pressurised. Take your time. And I can donate you my points if you want, I%u2019m not writing at the moment so. Besides donating will help me review more. Also, it%u2019s like buying a book chapter by chapter but only with points. ;)





If that is something you're willing to do, I will totally accept the gesture. I am really trying to get everything out as quickly as possible with the hope that great reviewers like you will be able to give me feedback along the way.




"The right is not given, Henry. It is taken. It is taken by blood, by murder. Where is God in that? The king's divinity is a tale men tell themselves, but the right is [i]taken[/i]. It is taken by force and held by force."
— Elizabeth Tudor, The White Princess