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My Father, the Inventor

by MoonlightForest

Tinkering with tiny machines

Spinning slowly rusting gears

Expecting different results each time

For that is who you are, father 

Studying for dull hours

Engineering, Physics, Chemistry 

Time is thick, thick like syrup

Only for you father 

Tinkering with large machines

Sifting through scattered papers

Rows of x's, messy script

Crumpled papers in the wastebasket 

You hear my soft knock

And by the way you look at me

I finally know the truth  

I am your failed experiment

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70 Reviews

Points: 4731
Reviews: 70

Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:58 am
AfterTheStorm wrote a review...

Hey, Moonlight! The name's Storm, here to review for you tonight. Happy Review Day! Let's get to it then

Wow. I love the overall concept of your poem--how you seamlessly tie together inventions and family life. It's something I had never thought of as connected, and yet you pulled it off. :) Great! That's what I love to see.

And you know what I have to say to punctuation? Forget it. You're a poet. Who cares about punctuation at the end of phrases? If you like your poem just fine without any commas or periods, you have the liberty to erase all those pesky little boogers from your paper once and for all. (Disclaimer: Don't try this method with prose. You may run the risk of receiving a nice long rant from another author.)

Now onto a few little nitpicks. "Only for you father" should actually have a comma after "you." But what about that punctuation speech you just gave me? you may be wondering. Well that was only for the end of lines. xD Commas are still needed when addressing someone directly. Also, "father" should be capitalized because you are calling him out by a specific name. (This is different from saying something like "my father," in which case capitalization is not needed.) I believe you made that same mistake somewhere else... ah! There it is; right in the fourth line. No worries! A tiny error that's easily fixable.

Next on my nitpick list is: "Rows of x's, messy script." I do believe letters included inside of a sentence separately like this "x" is supposed to have quotations around it. One second. I'm going to double check that. ... Okay. Well, thanks, writing. As always, the rules are not too clear, so I'd just keep it how you have that line for now. It seems fine. :)

"Crumpled papers in the wastebasket

You hear my soft knock

And by the way you look at me

I finally know the truth

I am your failed experiment"
Oooh. Brilliant ending, Moonlight. You closed it just right!

Overall, you did a splendid job with this poem. I hardly found any fundamental errors. Your work is entertaining and thought-provoking, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon. :D Thank you so much for sharing! It's greatly appreciated. On behalf of Team Earthbenders, write on!

Thanks for the helpful suggestions and the kind praise ! :) I really appreciate it!

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24 Reviews

Points: 242
Reviews: 24

Wed Nov 12, 2014 1:29 pm
Delirium wrote a review...

Hey there, Delirium here to give you a review!

First of all, I'd like to say excellent job. I love the whole metaphor and how you use the idea of the father shaping the family, as an inventor, hoping for specific results. It is very relatable because many feel as though they never live up to the standards of their families.

I also found it very rhythmically pleasing how every few lines you referred directly to the father, making him a very important piece of the poem as a whole. The first-person narrative draws the reader in and makes the piece more personable.

Sifting through scattered papers

Rows of x's, messy script

Crumpled papers in the wastebasket

These would have to be my favorite lines of the whole piece. I love the way they flow and rhyme together, and they allow the reader to visualize exactly what you are describing.

You hear my soft knock

And by the way you look at me

I finally know the truth

I am your failed experiment

This is a great way to end the piece, and it hits home very hard.

I can find nothing to complain about. Amazing job. Simply amazing.

I hope to read more from you in the future, and keep on writing!

xx- Delirium

Wow, thank you so much! That really means a lot to me, and I'll be happy to check out any of your works! :)

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29 Reviews

Points: 332
Reviews: 29

Wed Nov 12, 2014 6:45 am
FiguringOutLife wrote a review...

I really enjoyed this. It has a lot of symbols and different imagery in it, which made me think while reading. That's the best type of poetry for me, because it can mean so many different things, without changing what the author wrote. So well done :)

Suggestions -
First off, I would make sure you're putting the correct punctuation in. For instance, periods where you want to end the sentence. This really helps the reader with the flow.

Other than that I really can't find anything. So awesome job :)
Keep writing!

Thank you so, so much! :) I will definitely take your advice, and if you ever want a review I'd be happy to return the favor!

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
— George Wallace