Inside the confines of my own mind,
The walls grow weaker.
My strength diminishing
Her thoughts too strong to bury,
Too hard to stop.
She’s taking control,
My body willed to her command.
And suddenly I am silenced.
Forever soulless inside my own self,
She has taken over.
I am trapped
Forever.
A fading memory,
Confined inside what was once my own.
She has my mind
My body
My soul
All hers.
And all I ask, is why?
**Wrote this yesterday, what do you think? Help would be very much appreciated.
~Mo.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like this, but I really coudn't figure out what she was. It may just be me, but I feel a lack of story behind it. I think that if you made it more story like it would tell more. That may just be me though. Other than that I really liked it.
-Flower-
Hello there!
The poem depicted the feelings and the thoughts of the narrator here. I too agree with Snoink. You only describe the rush of emotions throughout the poem without the physical actions and then it loses it meaning at the middle part. Anyways, i liked it also with the feeling of "Trapped" in the mind mentally.
Keep on writing!
Peace out!
look at the end of the first stanza. walls growing weaker would indicate you are getting stronger. make it the walls grew larger, grasping me tighter. or something along that line. I like the rest of it though.
I really like this,
Especially the details in the first stanza.
The feeling is a little lost from the beginning,
But sort of brought back at the end.
I like it anyway(:
I like how you set the mood in the Poem. It really captures the suspense the persona is expressing. It's pretty great for something short! Keep up the Good work Mo.
Thanks for the review Snoink! I'll work on that.
Hey Mo!
One thing that you might consider when you edit is to make this more concrete! Right now, the description is very thought-based... you're not actually describing real things! Instead, you're describing thoughts! This isn't a bad thing, but without some sort of physicality of it, it's easy to get lost in a poem and lose meaning. The physical and concrete can often make us aware of a higher reality.
Good luck with poetry! Make it adventurous!