Beginning with a simple glance,
The clouds begin to dance.
And as our love grows stronger,
A small shower starts to pour.
We become taken over, our lives now one,
And the sun disappears as we are taken over by a storm.
But then, our love fades,
And our storm, drizzles to an end.
Our love will have faded,
Like the rain that hailed before it.
But we will leave a small reminder,
The evidence is that we once were.
The erosion on the surface,
As though little did occur.
One day, we will forget,
Our rain dried by time.
Only to be taken over,
By the love, of another’s life.
End.
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141,290 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Hello;
First off I'd like to say this is a wonderful poem. Very well written and you certainly get your point across. But there are a few things that I would like to point out.
Some of your punctuation seems off.
I'm not sure the first comma is in the right spot. Maybe between "But" and "then" instead of "then" and "our". I also don't think there should be a comma between "storm" and "drizzles". That could just be me though. Just take a look maybe?? There are also other spots where this applies but this was the main spot that was bugging me.
I really love the progression in the poem though--It's as though you're really telling a story. How the storm dies down with the intensity of the storm is a really strong meaning, and it's really amazing how you expressed it.
I also love how the story starts with "Beginning" and closes with "End." It shows that the love really has a beginning and then comes to an end, and that's really amazing.
Thank you for writing such an amazing poem for everyone to read. Keep up the good work!
~xXMasterXx
Hey, Mo!
Okay, very nice poem here. Only one thing really bugs me, and that's the 'End' at the end. Is it actually part of the poem, or are you just stating that's the end of the poem? I'm guessing it's part of it...
Otherwise, it's a very nice poem.
Sorry for the shortness. Good luck, and keep writing!
~Firearris
don't really like these lines. But you need them when, in the end of the poem
it has a stronger effect if its been reinforced earlier in the poem but those two lines need some rewording.
Wish I could help you with that but I guess I can't.
Anyways, great poem, you did a fantastic job of showing, not telling. It was a fresh perspective, somewhat, on an old and used topic.
Keep writing,
The universe
Hey Mo.!
I thought that a strong rhyme was a good way to start the poem, but I would've wanted to see rhymes throughout the poem. To me it's all or nothing, so if you rhyme something, you should rhyme everything. In my humble opinion.
This line is too long and disturbs the flow.
So, I think you had good themes and thoughts in this, but to me it seemed more like a descriptive paragraph instead of a life-changing poem. You could use more synonyms to keep it interesting and less repetitive. Have you ever used [url]thesaurus.reference.com]Thesaurus[/url]? I like to use it especially when I'm writing a poem. You should give it a look!
The "End" in the ending confused me – is it supposed to like "Okay, the poem ends here" or is it actually a part of it and belongs there?
Don't be afraid to try new things! Uniqueness is a lot harder to achieve if you don't step out of the line every now and then.
See you around!
Demeter
x
Hey, Mo!
ok i just have to say i LOVE this peom! the theme is used a lot, yet the way you described it made me keep on reading.
keep writing!