Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it) 
.
Wind whips at my hair through the open bus window,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.
The ocean is far away but I hear it groan,
Its fate decided by the merciless wind,
Whitecapped waves scarring the surrounding earth.
I peer out the window of the bus,
An alien machine with a single purpose.
So close to life, but still so far.
My destination is near.
I walk carefully to the driver,
“Tis time we be stoppin’ at the next road” I remind him.
He nods accordingly and replies “Aye”.
The bus does not stop gently.
I step off uncertainly,
And that’s when the storm begins.
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Thanks for all the lovely reviews guys.
WOW. This is, like amazing! Love the description... its so onimous and engrossing! Hope you will expand upon this idea... ^-^
-M.E.
Hello, I liked this.
I feel like I am going to be reiterating what others have said but hey. I liked it. I thought like some other reviewers that the rhythm was a little jumpy but a little re-wording and some chopping the lines in two should solve that. I love the subject its like a mystery and thats what as me captivated. Keep Writing and Well Done!
~Lydia
This is great! You should definitely expand on this!
OK, here is my actual reveiw (Much better than the last one). Firstly, I was great, it has potential, like something in a book or movie, a lot can be from it. But...
Not actually a request. A request is more like "Can you get me a drink?" It's more like a demand, sort of.
Can you please explain that to me, it makes no sense.
Other than those two things, very good. Keep going!
hey mo. luv it but because of the talking, it is more like a short story than a poem but i like the 'tis thing. the last line is so good!
Hello, Mo! Firstly, sorry if I repeat anyone, I don't read other people's reviews before I review work myself. I like this poem. Your imagery is good and very descriptive, I feel like I'm there.
This is intriguing, particularly the warning part. Also, nice metaphor in the fourth line.
In the second line, it should be its, not it's. I like the idea of the ocean groaning. I think the full stop on the second line should be a comma because otherwise the next sentence is a fragment and it sounds weird.
Wait, we're on a bus? The wind was whipping your hair so I assumed we were outside, but suddenly you're on a bus? Some transition would be good, because that threw me a bit. I like how you seperated that last line, made it sound more ominous.
Again, I like the way you seperated the last line. Also, gently and uncertainly sound a bit repetitive when they're so close together like that. The way you made the characters talk is interesting and adds some individuality to them and the poem, but it begs the question, why is the narrator talking like that now, and why not all the way through the poem? That might be something fun to fiddle with, even if it's just for fun and you don't keep it. It would be interesting to have that accent all the way through the poem. All in all, good work, it leaves the reader with a lot of questions, and that makes it so much more than what you've written - it's not just your words, it's your words combined with the reader's imagination, when they think about what happens next. Also, present tense is a great tool in making the poem more suspenseful, so good job.
I don't really get it, but that doesn't mean it isn't a poem! The best poems are hard to understand at first...
I guess it was a nice idea, but a little unclear to me. maybe I'm just having a bad day. ha ha
~Classy
[quote="Mo."]Tell me what you think. (This is my first poem, hope you like it)
.
Wind whips at my hair,
Creating a witch-like pose around my head.
Dogs howl and I know it is a warning,
It creeps through my body like a spreading disease.
i like this part of your poem because when you say wind whips at my hair creating a witch like pose around my head it makes me feel like every day in wyoming were the wind never wtops blowing. and i also like the part were you said it creeps through my body liek a spreading disease because it gave me chills and it also is very good because that is what diseases do. good job.
Yay i like this poem!! It is STORMY, lol. You know, i wrote a poem about a storm too. This is good, though i must admit i didn't completely understand all of it. But oh well thas fine. Haha, i liked the "Aye" part, Hurray for aussie lingo!!!!!!!! lol. But nice job!!!
Okay, fixed a bit (I'm pretty sure I've fixed everything that has been mentioned, if not most), also tweaked a few lines. What do you think?
~Mo. xD
Quite good for a first poem.
The technique of building the climax was just brilliant.The element of surprise was very nice and the overall presentation was brilliant.
The last line is at the right place at the right time.
All the best.
This is a great poem, I really loved the way you described everything - the imagery was great. I can see you've really put a lot of work into this and by the look of the comments above you've corrected a lot too. It's really awesome to see your open to criticism and suggestions. I really like the poem as it is and yeah, just like someone said, it's as if it's a prologue to a novel.
.
Really good job - i starred it
Hey Mo! Blu here, as promised!
Your poem was really good! It created a great imagery that I could see inside my mind as I read, like a movie in my eyelids. Awesome job!
Okay, so as you already said, your poem doesn't really have a poetic flow. That's not too hard to change, but you need to make sure you're not making your poem more of prose then a poem. Sometimes short, snappy lines do the job quite well.
I think "it is" should be "it's". I just think it sounds... better? It flows a bit easier, that's for sure.
This line stood out from all of the other lines. I guess it's because it's much longer then any of the others. It could use some editing, but as to what, I'm not very sure myself. Maybe you could tweak it a little?
No apostrophe.
Overall, I really liked it! Your poem was well done, and I can't wait to see more of you work!
Keep writing!
~blu
Hey there Mo! Here as requested!
Ok, first off I really, really like your poem. It's wonderful. Now that you've edited it, it's even better!
One problem I have is that occasionally it sounds more like a story than a poem, as you said, the flow isn't all poetic.
But, that's very easy to change!
I'm just going to go through and pick out a couple of things. Please bear in mind that generally the things I pick out aren't grammar mistakes or other really detrimental things. Rather, they are words and phrases I think could be changed to make the poem better.
I think this might be better if you change "me" to "my body". It just ... sounds good.
I have to say, I fell in love with this line! However, I also thought that the phrase "white-capped waves" was really pretty, for some reason. I like what you have already, that's just an alternative idea.
Maybe scratch the "I see". I like the effect of really short sentences.
I love your word choice!
Beautiful!
Overall:
I loved this poem muchly! It's descriptive, well thought out and has the right balance of imagery and simple words. The suggestions I've made aren't too important, just random ideas I had. It's really amazing!
~Amy
Okay, I think I have fixed everything, (if not most) of the things mentioned.
The flow? It doesn't really have a poetic sort of feel (yet), so I shall be working on that.
~Mo.
Need a Hero? Need a Review? I'm Hiro...
Okay let's do this:
The first two lines are cool but...
could be...
could be...
No problem there.
Carefully?
And that's all I have to say. This is my first review of a poem and I've barely ever written one so you might not want to take it so seriously.
Need a Hero? Need a Review? I'm Hiro...
Okay let's do this:
The first two lines are cool but...
could be...
could be...
Hi Mo! Kat's here again! You're my first (and probably only) review that'll make on my birthday, so feel special
So, I won't be nit-picking much because I adored this! As the above reviewers have mentioned, this has great imagery and it sure makes me want to know what happens next. I can actually picture everything on my head, like a movie playing in front of my eyes.
I have few advices on this, and one of them is to watch the description. It's good; but if you put too much in it will sound like a narration (story) rather than a poem. But that's just a small little thing; you have great, awesome imagery.
Just one small, little thing:
I just wanted to point out this because you already told us that the bus has one and only purpose on the above line of this one, so the repetition doesn't do you any good. Maybe you were trying to make it a stanza with four verses, but if you add something else or simply scratch this out that would be much better.
And that's about how far as it goes! I'm really happy with this, to see that your first poem is this great - that's very promising
Have a good day!
- Kat
Wow, great poem! It's got such lovely language and a sense of rhythm even though it doesn't really have a rhythm... If you know what I mean... and then it's all about getting off a bus in a storm! Really my sort of poem. A few comments:
Just a couple of my opinions, and some which you would need to change if you were going to publish it because the words don't quite make sense.
Beautiful, you created a world that seems interesting, it's one I want to get lost in, which i rare for me, it could use maybe a little more of a dramatic effect, but if you continue this i feel it will come later. Great Job!!!
Great imagery, and it makes me want to know what happens next. But it sounds more like the prologue of a book rather than a poem. If you would like to make it a poem, I suggest you make it flow. Put a little rythm in there, and there's usually no dialogue in a poem. But you've got the hand for prose, and that, to me, is the main thing.