Deer, My Dearest

This is good for a first time! Vocab - check, Capitalization ? No, in poems, on every line you use a capital whether or not it's a new start, commas - you mostly use a new line for commas.

Hi,

For your first poem, I'm very impressed. This is an interesting idea and it sort of makes me think of Bambi or something else along those lines. You have a clear story. It's suspenseful, descriptive, and well written.

I guess what I would say (and I'm sure that this will come to you with time and practice) is that it's not very poetic. I tried reading it aloud twice, and it was very choppy and arrhythmic. I also didn't have much of a sense of the character of your narrator If he/she another deer, or a human? Why would she call the deer "dear"? Do they have some sort of relationship? I also wasn't sure if the poem was referring to deer in general, or one specific deer.

There were also a few things that didn't make sense to me. The first half of the poem is fairly straightforward and easy to follow. In the second half your imagery loses me. Imagery should help paint a deeper picture of the story you want to tell, not make it more confusing.

All in all, though, you did a really good job with this! I would stick with poetry if I were you. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

GoldFlame here, with some quick thoughts...

It's great for your first time! I have to admit that I don't often review poetry, but I can give you some tips.

I really love how you used the homonyms "dear" and "deer," of course, and I thought that the ending was touching . But one thing that I think you could improve is (as mentioned by a previous reviewer) the structure of your poem. I feel like the line-breaking was pretty random in some places.

I'm also unsure about the fifth and sixth line. Maybe as an alternative, "...feeling for her flesh, hoping to turn it into something to wear / to clothe his own sickly body" so that there's not the feeling of too many words.

I really thought it was an awesome poem, overall; I can't wait to read more of your poetry!

GoldFlame

Very well described, it gave a very stylistic image in my head about the deer and the huntsman, almost like a cartoon. This line :-

"her each step a brush that paints the grass greener"

Superb line, as if everything this deer touches becomes that much more beautiful. The huntsman at the beginning was pale and dark because of what he is to the deer and I liked that. I like the way that even this semi evil huntsman can change and become a little brighter.

"The huntsman struggles to understand this piece." I don't know if this is intentional but you spelled "peace" "piece" in this line. Also I think maybe the structure could be rearranged a bit, it all looks messy and all over the place. Maybe you could start it off with no structure and as the deer touches things and brings colour to the world she also brings order, in the way of the structure of the poem, that would be quite cool.

Hope this helps,

LMJ

I thought this was so clever. I liked the description, how you said It was about your dearest friend because I was expecting an average poem about your friend, but i got so much more.

"her each step a brush that paints the grass greener"
I love this line as it creates a very vivid and colourful picture of the deer.

I like how there is hints of the huntsman being pale and almost sounding cold or sick " a pallid hand", "sickly pale skin" Yet the huntsman is so attracted to the beauty of this creature he does not take her life "dye his paper skin with the colours of life so bright that he becomes a man whose darkness is hunted"

overall I thought this was a beautifully vivid poem,I enjoyed reading it.