Young Writers Society

Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge, staring at the ground below me. Inches kept me apart from the edge and the crazy hallucinations that ran through my mind. Insanity was my sanity's reality when he was not with me.

A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them, brushing through my hair. It nearly felt as if he was running his hand through my hair, gently playing with it. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its graceful charm full of warmth and comfort for those who seek it.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how gorgeous the moon has shone, it would never compete with the glow hidden deep within your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those gorgeous ocean-blue orbs that I could get lost in, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

Every time I stared into them, they offered me a new world, a realm I desired and cherished, a domain with no pain and suffering, a perfect world, a world of perfection. My desire to dive into your world and rest there, falling into a deep slumber and discovering its secrets that hide themselves in the shadows of your heart - I want to find them all. All your secrets, all your pain, all your happiness, they should all lay transparent to me, offering to engulf me softly and tear me apart harshly. But, instead, I wished for nothing but to share your pain, to be your own. Nothing could fulfill me as you did.

So I dared to wish I could see you once more. I dared to hope I could look into your eyes one more time and see them outshine everything and everyone around them. I dared to desire nothing more than your presence around me. Daring to give up everything and sacrifice myself, I wanted to be yours one last time. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, daring to smile as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. A smile I had broken with my own two hands. Regret was more than an understatement of what I had felt then. But even though my heart was filled with regret, my head felt light, and no thoughts ran wild in my head. Silence, the silence surrounding me, was all that could be heard. At last, all the voices in my head started to quiet down.

Ultimately, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so lovely.

Daring to enjoy the peace I was offered, my desire for this feeling to last grew, and my will to do anything necessary to be at peace forever nagged at me, nagging at my sanity and mentality. Insanity was all that was left for me. My longing for peace and him would continuously grow and grow into a world of joy and fright. Fright to lose him and my sanity, but also happiness for the relief of loss - these reigning powers clashed deep within my soul, leaving no trace of peace within it.

All the doubt I felt suddenly vanished when I took one more step and stood one step closer to the edge. My mind was at its peak, and my unstable mentality calmed down, creating beautiful harmony in my heart, a peace so desirable to me it was driving me to insanity.

A tiny tear then slowly ran down my cheek. It felt warm. The trace it had left burned. My cheek was burning. It felt like it was on fire.

That tingly feeling reminded me of you. It awakened memories we shared. Your touch had always left a similar sensation on my skin, a temptation to devour you whole, an attraction to guard your fragile being forever—a trick I refused to give in to, leaving nothing but regret and grief within my heart. There was nothing left aside from that.

A small chuckle escaped my mouth as one specific thought crossed my mind.

You'd laugh at me for being this weak. If you could see me now, wouldn't you, Ciel? Your laugh, oh, how much I would give to hear it one more time…how much joy it would give me to listen to it one last time. Yeah, one last time would be enough… just one last time…

"We'll see each other again, even if it's just one last time. I promise…"

I said, laying down my pledge. To me, this pledge was a chain, a chain holding me back, a chain pulling me down. A power reigning over my actions - a power so great that one would not dare disobey its calls and demands.

I looked at the starry sky, admiring its charm and freedom. No boundaries restricted its beauty. Reaching its peak and full potential seemed to be no task it could not fulfill with success. It was tinged in purple and a deep marine blue, creating a beautiful dark gradient filled with the harmony of colors. The white fluffy clouds engulfed its admirable look and helped it reach the top of this world. This should have been me. Instead of harshly ripping him apart, I should have helped him get his full blossom.

"I'm sorry, Ciel...I wish to atone for my sins by serving you in the afterlife."

My whispers vanished in the wind as I lowered my voice, silently accepting my sins.

The appeal the moon emitted comforted the wild storm ripping my heart apart. It offered me comfort and security. Finally, my craving for comfort was fulfilled. The fulfillment I felt only grew the closer I stepped toward the edge.

…

'This is only your fault. He would still be alive if it weren't for you, you bastard!'

'You are the reason he died.'

'I wish it was you who had died instead of him.'

'I'm not mad. I am only ashamed that you are my son.'

'An asshole stays an asshole forever.'

'You will never be more than what you are now, a miserable murderer - so mark my words, Michael, Karma will come and avenge Ciel.'

…

I leaned forward, stepping off the edge and smiling, feeling my body fall and glide through the air. My body felt light, so light as if it was floating. It felt as if I had been freed. I was free at last.

I closed my eyes as soon as I saw the ground approaching…

"Another suicide, huh?"

I heard a deep voice say. Its words echoed through the room, sending shivers down my spine. The cold aura surrounding me scared me. I was terrified of what was happening and who was talking to me.

The destructive damage caused to my body when it slammed into the ground was not visible anymore. All my wounds were healed so well that one would not even think they ever happened.

Daring to ask with caution in my voice, I looked up and stared at the two gates:

"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal - you're dead."

The mysterious voice answered my vague rhetorical question. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and lights covering my whole sight and blinding me in the process.

On the right, I saw a golden gate that looked like it was formed by a god, a warm-hearted god. The entrance was delectably decorated and emitted a warm, wholesome atmosphere. A harmonious music came out of that entrance, a very pleasing tune that pleased both ears and soul.

A charming odor then entered my lungs. Its pleasing light scent slowly engulfed my senses, calming my racing mind.

That addicting scent... reminded me of him. He had a similar smell, one slight whiff of it was enough to please all my desires, desires I dared not share, desires I buried deep within me to be forgotten and devoured. Yet I could never still my hunger for him. I could never be pleased if it were not for him. Only he can please my urges and satisfy my soul.

He is my sun - the only light in my cruel world of darkness, my biggest mistake, yet he is the love of my life.

So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…

On the left, I saw a broken black gate with many decapitated heads lying around it. There were skulls and whole heads that were in the process of decay. Beheading seems to be a usual activity within that gate. Just as imagined by us humans, this was a horrendous-looking gate. It's indeed the opposite of the gate of heaven - an entrance to show us what karma our actions may bring or have already brought to us.

The putrefactive odor of organs ripped out of someone's body, decaying corpses, and blood from all the bodies decorating the gate sickened me with nausea—death and destruction, an odorous stench that covered my nose and spread itself throughout my lungs. I had never smelled such a horrendous stench before.

Being hit by this stench shocked me and subconsciously made me cover my nose. My head was pounding, and I was holding back vomit stuck in my throat. It was a very unpleasant situation, and feeling in my throat. The rising vomit felt like a hot slime within my mouth, so distasteful. I could not stand it in the slightly and tried to refocus on the gate and ignore that odor.

As soon as my gaze left that gate, a burb echoed throughout the room before a mix of organs, mushed bones, and thick salvia flew out of there. Hellish flames burned brightly behind that gate as many painful screams of terror came out of it.

Such a terrific sight, so unsightly that one would not dare look any further into it - yet, I decided to analyze it to understand my situation a little bit better.

Oh, how stupid it was to do that. The analysis was so obvious. Any five-year-old could have figured this out within seconds!

Of course...if the golden gate symbolizes heaven, this rotten one has to be hell. A truth as clear as those tears that had left his eyes back then. There was no way that I was wrong about this.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell. Is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice had come from just moments before, and suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed blue, a clear baby blue - as clear and deep as the night sky I looked up to, desiring nothing but my end.

Its blinding glow burned my eyes. I squinted them shut, lifting my arm to block the light center from my sight. That yellowish-golden glow from that eye looked similar to the one from the golden gate.

Even though the glow was the same, the aura it emitted terrified me worse than the aura of the gate ever could.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by many eyes - black ones, they all had black pupils but looked the same as the big eye - and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where the hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood.

I stepped back, frightened by being confronted with so many eyes. No matter where I looked, that big glowing eye would not leave my sight no matter what. So many wild thoughts chased themselves through my mind, clashing with one another - disharmonic pounding screams infiltrated my brain and yelled at me to run, run away as far and fast as I possibly could. Being scared was an understatement of what I had felt. I had never supposed such terror and fear

before...No, I did, but back then, you caught me and brought light into the darkness of my heart - the day I fell for you, the day I knew I had already lost you.

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael Knight."

"Why...why am I between the two gates, then, if I may ask?"

I asked in return, trying to stabilize the shaking within my voice - knowing well that I did not succeed and failed miserably.

A chuckle echoed through my head, silencing all the screams within my mind. The hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my mind again and echoed through it. The voice's invasion deeply horrified me and made all my senses tingle - my mind was blank, and a tingling sensation overwhelmed my feelings to the fullest.

"That is because you are special."

"Special?"

I blurted out by accident, soon learning to regret this minor accident.

That terrific chuckle again. Oh, how badly I wanted it to end and how badly I desired never to hear it again because every time I listened to this chuckle, cold sweat started to form on my back, sending shivers down my spine.

The voice then spoke up once again, answering my question - its hoarseness empathizing the deep satisfaction with the fear I felt:

"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice, being faced with this immense presence - a presence one would typically only feel when touched or influenced by god's hands, a presence one would not dare show any mischief. I earned myself yet another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good. Your fate, whether to enter hell or heaven, hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked, barely above a whisper. Only then did I realize how much I was shaking and sweating in fear - the terror jamming my thoughts and rocking through my body showed itself on the surface, violently daring me to fight for it to be hidden again. This was true terror I felt.

No matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide-open eyes were stuck, stuck in distress. My eyes would not dare look away from this creature. My instincts told me to run, but my body wouldn't budge - my body refused to dare take the next step to run away and hopefully save us.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, swooping close enough for me to stare deep into its pupil and feel its might. My wonky knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, leaving me to die a failure in front of this monster. I instinctively covered my face in terror and violently turned away from the eye, but my legs wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision. Your fate is up to you afterward. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case, or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

My breath hitched as my heart started to beat faster and heavier. The two options he gave me ran through my mind, clashing with each other as I took a deep breath to calm my heartbeat down. How ironic, I died, yet my heart is still beating - it's unimaginable how I can still be alive while being dead at the same time.

Suddenly two contracts flew towards me alongside with a feather and ink to sign one of them. There the terms and rules of each way were listed. I skimmed over them - One direction was very significant yet very important. During my reliving, Ciel must not remember anything.

This seemed impossible to me, even though this rule was of great importance and held a scary yet understandable responsibility - a responsibility I was willing to carry.

After these thoughts, I already knew what I would choose because deep down, I knew I had already made up my mind - I wanted to see Ciel again. I wanted to see him, even if it was just one last time.

"I want to relive my life."

I want to see him again, no matter what.

"So, it will be."

As I started to fall again, the voice said in an amused tone - it felt as if all of this had been a terrible nightmare. I closed my eyes as my surroundings began to blur, and my world started to collapse. I then saw a bright light in front of my eyes as I was born anew.