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Prologue - the ending is a new beginning

by MissSaigon


Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge, staring at the ground below me. Inches kept me apart from the edge and the crazy hallucinations that ran through my mind. Insanity was my sanity's reality when he was not with me.

A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them, brushing through my hair. It nearly felt as if he was running his hand through my hair, gently playing with it. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its graceful charm full of warmth and comfort for those who seek it.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how gorgeous the moon has shone, it would never compete with the glow hidden deep within your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those gorgeous ocean-blue orbs that I could get lost in, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

Every time I stared into them, they offered me a new world, a realm I desired and cherished, a domain with no pain and suffering, a perfect world, a world of perfection. My desire to dive into your world and rest there, falling into a deep slumber and discovering its secrets that hide themselves in the shadows of your heart - I want to find them all. All your secrets, all your pain, all your happiness, they should all lay transparent to me, offering to engulf me softly and tear me apart harshly. But, instead, I wished for nothing but to share your pain, to be your own. Nothing could fulfill me as you did.

So I dared to wish I could see you once more. I dared to hope I could look into your eyes one more time and see them outshine everything and everyone around them. I dared to desire nothing more than your presence around me. Daring to give up everything and sacrifice myself, I wanted to be yours one last time. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, daring to smile as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. A smile I had broken with my own two hands. Regret was more than an understatement of what I had felt then. But even though my heart was filled with regret, my head felt light, and no thoughts ran wild in my head. Silence, the silence surrounding me, was all that could be heard. At last, all the voices in my head started to quiet down.

Ultimately, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so lovely.

Daring to enjoy the peace I was offered, my desire for this feeling to last grew, and my will to do anything necessary to be at peace forever nagged at me, nagging at my sanity and mentality. Insanity was all that was left for me. My longing for peace and him would continuously grow and grow into a world of joy and fright. Fright to lose him and my sanity, but also happiness for the relief of loss - these reigning powers clashed deep within my soul, leaving no trace of peace within it.

All the doubt I felt suddenly vanished when I took one more step and stood one step closer to the edge. My mind was at its peak, and my unstable mentality calmed down, creating beautiful harmony in my heart, a peace so desirable to me it was driving me to insanity.

A tiny tear then slowly ran down my cheek. It felt warm. The trace it had left burned. My cheek was burning. It felt like it was on fire.

That tingly feeling reminded me of you. It awakened memories we shared. Your touch had always left a similar sensation on my skin, a temptation to devour you whole, an attraction to guard your fragile being forever—a trick I refused to give in to, leaving nothing but regret and grief within my heart. There was nothing left aside from that.

A small chuckle escaped my mouth as one specific thought crossed my mind.

You'd laugh at me for being this weak. If you could see me now, wouldn't you, Ciel? Your laugh, oh, how much I would give to hear it one more time…how much joy it would give me to listen to it one last time. Yeah, one last time would be enough… just one last time…

"We'll see each other again, even if it's just one last time. I promise…"

I said, laying down my pledge. To me, this pledge was a chain, a chain holding me back, a chain pulling me down. A power reigning over my actions - a power so great that one would not dare disobey its calls and demands.

I looked at the starry sky, admiring its charm and freedom. No boundaries restricted its beauty. Reaching its peak and full potential seemed to be no task it could not fulfill with success. It was tinged in purple and a deep marine blue, creating a beautiful dark gradient filled with the harmony of colors. The white fluffy clouds engulfed its admirable look and helped it reach the top of this world. This should have been me. Instead of harshly ripping him apart, I should have helped him get his full blossom.

"I'm sorry, Ciel...I wish to atone for my sins by serving you in the afterlife."

My whispers vanished in the wind as I lowered my voice, silently accepting my sins.

The appeal the moon emitted comforted the wild storm ripping my heart apart. It offered me comfort and security. Finally, my craving for comfort was fulfilled. The fulfillment I felt only grew the closer I stepped toward the edge.

'This is only your fault. He would still be alive if it weren't for you, you bastard!'

'You are the reason he died.'

'I wish it was you who had died instead of him.'

'I'm not mad. I am only ashamed that you are my son.'

'An asshole stays an asshole forever.'

'You will never be more than what you are now, a miserable murderer - so mark my words, Michael, Karma will come and avenge Ciel.'

I leaned forward, stepping off the edge and smiling, feeling my body fall and glide through the air. My body felt light, so light as if it was floating. It felt as if I had been freed. I was free at last.

I closed my eyes as soon as I saw the ground approaching…

"Another suicide, huh?"

I heard a deep voice say. Its words echoed through the room, sending shivers down my spine. The cold aura surrounding me scared me. I was terrified of what was happening and who was talking to me.

The destructive damage caused to my body when it slammed into the ground was not visible anymore. All my wounds were healed so well that one would not even think they ever happened.

Daring to ask with caution in my voice, I looked up and stared at the two gates:

"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal - you're dead."

The mysterious voice answered my vague rhetorical question. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and lights covering my whole sight and blinding me in the process.

On the right, I saw a golden gate that looked like it was formed by a god, a warm-hearted god. The entrance was delectably decorated and emitted a warm, wholesome atmosphere. A harmonious music came out of that entrance, a very pleasing tune that pleased both ears and soul.

A charming odor then entered my lungs. Its pleasing light scent slowly engulfed my senses, calming my racing mind.

That addicting scent... reminded me of him. He had a similar smell, one slight whiff of it was enough to please all my desires, desires I dared not share, desires I buried deep within me to be forgotten and devoured. Yet I could never still my hunger for him. I could never be pleased if it were not for him. Only he can please my urges and satisfy my soul.

He is my sun - the only light in my cruel world of darkness, my biggest mistake, yet he is the love of my life.

So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…

On the left, I saw a broken black gate with many decapitated heads lying around it. There were skulls and whole heads that were in the process of decay. Beheading seems to be a usual activity within that gate. Just as imagined by us humans, this was a horrendous-looking gate. It's indeed the opposite of the gate of heaven - an entrance to show us what karma our actions may bring or have already brought to us.

The putrefactive odor of organs ripped out of someone's body, decaying corpses, and blood from all the bodies decorating the gate sickened me with nausea—death and destruction, an odorous stench that covered my nose and spread itself throughout my lungs. I had never smelled such a horrendous stench before.

Being hit by this stench shocked me and subconsciously made me cover my nose. My head was pounding, and I was holding back vomit stuck in my throat. It was a very unpleasant situation, and feeling in my throat. The rising vomit felt like a hot slime within my mouth, so distasteful. I could not stand it in the slightly and tried to refocus on the gate and ignore that odor.

As soon as my gaze left that gate, a burb echoed throughout the room before a mix of organs, mushed bones, and thick salvia flew out of there. Hellish flames burned brightly behind that gate as many painful screams of terror came out of it.

Such a terrific sight, so unsightly that one would not dare look any further into it - yet, I decided to analyze it to understand my situation a little bit better.

Oh, how stupid it was to do that. The analysis was so obvious. Any five-year-old could have figured this out within seconds!

Of course...if the golden gate symbolizes heaven, this rotten one has to be hell. A truth as clear as those tears that had left his eyes back then. There was no way that I was wrong about this.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell. Is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice had come from just moments before, and suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed blue, a clear baby blue - as clear and deep as the night sky I looked up to, desiring nothing but my end.

Its blinding glow burned my eyes. I squinted them shut, lifting my arm to block the light center from my sight. That yellowish-golden glow from that eye looked similar to the one from the golden gate.

Even though the glow was the same, the aura it emitted terrified me worse than the aura of the gate ever could.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by many eyes - black ones, they all had black pupils but looked the same as the big eye - and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where the hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood.

I stepped back, frightened by being confronted with so many eyes. No matter where I looked, that big glowing eye would not leave my sight no matter what. So many wild thoughts chased themselves through my mind, clashing with one another - disharmonic pounding screams infiltrated my brain and yelled at me to run, run away as far and fast as I possibly could. Being scared was an understatement of what I had felt. I had never supposed such terror and fear

before...No, I did, but back then, you caught me and brought light into the darkness of my heart - the day I fell for you, the day I knew I had already lost you.

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael Knight."

"Why...why am I between the two gates, then, if I may ask?"

I asked in return, trying to stabilize the shaking within my voice - knowing well that I did not succeed and failed miserably.

A chuckle echoed through my head, silencing all the screams within my mind. The hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my mind again and echoed through it. The voice's invasion deeply horrified me and made all my senses tingle - my mind was blank, and a tingling sensation overwhelmed my feelings to the fullest.

"That is because you are special."

"Special?"

I blurted out by accident, soon learning to regret this minor accident.

That terrific chuckle again. Oh, how badly I wanted it to end and how badly I desired never to hear it again because every time I listened to this chuckle, cold sweat started to form on my back, sending shivers down my spine.

The voice then spoke up once again, answering my question - its hoarseness empathizing the deep satisfaction with the fear I felt:

"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice, being faced with this immense presence - a presence one would typically only feel when touched or influenced by god's hands, a presence one would not dare show any mischief. I earned myself yet another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good. Your fate, whether to enter hell or heaven, hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked, barely above a whisper. Only then did I realize how much I was shaking and sweating in fear - the terror jamming my thoughts and rocking through my body showed itself on the surface, violently daring me to fight for it to be hidden again. This was true terror I felt.

No matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide-open eyes were stuck, stuck in distress. My eyes would not dare look away from this creature. My instincts told me to run, but my body wouldn't budge - my body refused to dare take the next step to run away and hopefully save us.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, swooping close enough for me to stare deep into its pupil and feel its might. My wonky knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, leaving me to die a failure in front of this monster. I instinctively covered my face in terror and violently turned away from the eye, but my legs wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision. Your fate is up to you afterward. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case, or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

My breath hitched as my heart started to beat faster and heavier. The two options he gave me ran through my mind, clashing with each other as I took a deep breath to calm my heartbeat down. How ironic, I died, yet my heart is still beating - it's unimaginable how I can still be alive while being dead at the same time.

Suddenly two contracts flew towards me alongside with a feather and ink to sign one of them. There the terms and rules of each way were listed. I skimmed over them - One direction was very significant yet very important. During my reliving, Ciel must not remember anything.

This seemed impossible to me, even though this rule was of great importance and held a scary yet understandable responsibility - a responsibility I was willing to carry.

After these thoughts, I already knew what I would choose because deep down, I knew I had already made up my mind - I wanted to see Ciel again. I wanted to see him, even if it was just one last time.

"I want to relive my life."

I want to see him again, no matter what.

"So, it will be."

As I started to fall again, the voice said in an amused tone - it felt as if all of this had been a terrible nightmare. I closed my eyes as my surroundings began to blur, and my world started to collapse. I then saw a bright light in front of my eyes as I was born anew.


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Sun Mar 26, 2023 9:06 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!

That was a super intriguing prologue. I really liked the plot and the slight character development we had there. It certainly makes the reader know more of what had happened and what is going to happen in the story. I think as a prologue, it's really good. Now, let's just jump in to various aspects.

Beginning

The beginning set the theme very well. From the very beginning, we actually knew Michael would eventually die. So yeah, the beginning was quite good. One thing I would really request you to consider is the fact that it's a school. Like in a school, aren't there those people who are responsible for seeing if the students are in their own rooms when it's night? A student up in the school roof at night seems to be a bit out of place to me. Was the school irresponsible or something?

Insanity was my sanity's reality when he was not with me.

This was a really good line. It kind of has that literature in it. :)

Plot

The first half of the plot was very predictable and it went as I expected it to. What was unexpected to me was what happened after Michael died. I mean if course, I didn't expect the story to end and for the story to continue, Michael had to be there. I actually expected the story to continue in after life but yeah, reliving is indeed a very interesting idea here and I really like how you manged to introduce the stakes in the prologue itself. That 50/50 concept was a new one and a bit humourous at the same time. I do understand that the story is not a very humourous one but adding that didn't hurt.

Characters

So we have Ciel and Michael. Now Michael seems to be a good character. We do get a good peek into Michael's character and past here. In the past, Michael was probably a bit toxic and really regrets it in the present. I would really like to know what happened in the past that made Michael like this. If you are planning to expand on that in the upcoming chapters, then I think it's good but if you are not planning to do that, I think you could provide provide it here. Like what made Michael like what they were in the past. There's a reason behind everything, so there should be a reason behind their actions too. Now it's pretty sad that the incident of Ciel's death made Michael realize their mistake... I always wonder why it has to be like this. but yeah, nothing to be done, I understand. I just wish they had realized it earlier.

Relive

Now I really would like some idea on what relive actually means. Like how would Michael actually relive? Well, when it was first mentioned in the story, I just thought that the death would just be reversed and nothing new would happen. However, then I understood that fact that no, Michael would probably be reborn as the last line mentions. Uh I guess I am not being able to make you understand what I mean but like if Michael is reborn, will they live the same exact life? And how will that exactly merge with the present. If the death is simply reversed, I don't think Ciel would be alive then. I am very confused about it.

Apart from that, I really like the descriptions and the setting, especially that heaven-hell one. In most of the stories I have read, people actually shift from the traditional description of heaven and hell so it was a bit different that you decided to stick to it.

How ironic, I died, yet my heart is still beating - it's unimaginable how I can still be alive while being dead at the same time.

Ironic indeed!! I have to say that you have a very simple yet good writing style. I will review the other chapters as soon as I can.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Sun Jan 29, 2023 2:51 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi there!

For a prologue, I think this was successful in intriguing the reader to make them come back for the following chapters. You can feel the love and pain coming from the protagonist. A lot of guesses can be made about the possible reason why Michael took such a drastic step. But I hope if you bring some twists and slowly unwrap the plot in the coming story, then it could be a great read, unlike the usual romantic stories where the plot is a bit cliche.

I like the sweet description of Ciel that Michael gave, making the reader glued to the story in order to know more about this mysterious person. You could sense how much the narrator was longing for just one last glance of their beloved.

I usually avoid self-harming/suicidal content as they can be a bit triggering for me. But you kept it subtle and to the point. That was nice.

"You have to make one decision, your fate is up to you afterward. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

Hmm, at first I expected it would be the usual 50/50 question of whether you chose hell or heaven. But the fact that they had a chance to relive once again, gives a lot of potential to your plot. You have the opportunity to carefully present everything to the reader about the reasons that made Michael take such a step in the first place. Eventually, making the right decisions this time to change the outcome of this new life.

A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them.

Just a little suggestion here. I get what you want to portray here but it feels a bit bland here when you are reading it. Maybe try describing it in a way that follows the 'Show and not tell' technique.


Overall, I have a good feeling about your plot and would love to read more about your story. Keep up the good work.

Happy writing :)




MissSaigon says...


Tysm for this review!



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Mon Jan 23, 2023 3:22 am
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Zeno wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to leave a review.

Code: Select all
Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge. A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its charm.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how beautiful the moon has shone, it would never compete with your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those beautiful eyes, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

I just wish I could see you once more. I just wish I could look into your eyes one more time, see them outshine everything and everyone around them. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, smiling as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. 
Silence, silence was all that could be heard. All the voices in my head started to quiet down, finally, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so nice.

This section greatly portrays the love of Michael towards Ciel. It effectively sets a melancholic and contemplative tone through the protagonist's internal monologue and descriptions of the setting.

Code: Select all
"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal. You're dead."

The mysterious voice answered. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and light.

On the right, I saw a golden gate which looked like it was formed by a god, a warm hearted god. So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…
On the left, I saw a broken black gate, behind that gate, all I could see were flames. Many painful screams could be heard from within that gate. The aura was cold and unwelcoming there.

As I stared at the two gates and listened to the sounds coming from them, I realized the situation I am in.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell, is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice came from, suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed red and blue, it was split right in half. Its glow was so bright that I had to squint a little. The auras I felt before were visible in the eye.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by eyes and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood. I stepped back a little in shock and terror. I didn't know what happened and thought about ways to escape or run away as the voice spoke up again:

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael."

"Why am I between the two gates then?"

I asked in return. A chuckle echoed through my ears, making cold sweat run down my back as I froze in place, the hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my ears and echoed through them. It felt like the voice had invaded my brain.

Nice! Now we're introduced to heaven and hell. The use of imagery and sensory detail is very effective in creating a vivid and immersive experience for me, especially for the golden gate and the broken black gate, as well as the aura of warmth and coldness.

Code: Select all
"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice in this immense presence. I earned another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good, your fate whether to enter hell or heaven hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked barely above a whisper, only now did I realise how much I was shaking and sweating in fear. This is true terror I felt, no matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide open eyes were stuck, stuck in terror. I couldn't look away from that eye. My instincts told me to run but my body wouldn't budge at all.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, my knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, I instinctively covered my face in terror and turned away from the eye but my legs, they just wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision, your fate is up to you afterwards. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

The revelation of the "50/50 case" and the mysterious presence that speaks to Michael raises many questions about the story's world and its rules, making me want to know more about the story. I really hope that more explanation can be put into it instead of just treating it like a groundwork and ignoring it in future chapters.

Overall, the prologue is well-written and effectively captures my interest by creating a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as an emotional connection to the protagonist through descriptive language and inner monologue.

That's all from me. Looking forward to chapter 1!




MissSaigon says...


This is what I call constructive well written feedback, thank you so much for this!




All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
— CandyWizard