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Prologue - the ending is a new beginning

by MissSaigon


Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge. A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its charm.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how beautiful the moon has shone, it would never compete with your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those beautiful eyes, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

I just wish I could see you once more. I just wish I could look into your eyes one more time, see them outshine everything and everyone around them. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, smiling as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. 
Silence, silence was all that could be heard. All the voices in my head started to quiet down, finally, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so nice.

A small tear then slowly ran down my cheek. It felt warm, the trace it had left, burned. My cheek was burning, it felt like it was on fire. A small chuckle escaped my mouth. You'd laugh at me for being this weak. If you could see me now, wouldn't you, Ciel? Your laugh, oh, how much I would give just to hear it one more time…how much joy it would give me to hear it one last time. Yeah, one last time would be enough… just one last time…

"We'll see each other again, even if it's just one last time. I promise…"

I said, looking up at the starry sky. It was tinged in purple and a deep marine blue. The sight was gorgeous.

I leaned forward, stepping off the edge, smiling. I closed my eyes as I saw the ground approaching…

"Another suicide, huh?"

I heard a deep voice say, its words echoed through the room.

"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal. You're dead."

The mysterious voice answered. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and light.

On the right, I saw a golden gate which looked like it was formed by a god, a warm hearted god. So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…
On the left, I saw a broken black gate, behind that gate, all I could see were flames. Many painful screams could be heard from within that gate. The aura was cold and unwelcoming there.

As I stared at the two gates and listened to the sounds coming from them, I realized the situation I am in.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell, is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice came from, suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed red and blue, it was split right in half. Its glow was so bright that I had to squint a little. The auras I felt before were visible in the eye.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by eyes and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood. I stepped back a little in shock and terror. I didn't know what happened and thought about ways to escape or run away as the voice spoke up again:

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael."

"Why am I between the two gates then?"

I asked in return. A chuckle echoed through my ears, making cold sweat run down my back as I froze in place, the hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my ears and echoed through them. It felt like the voice had invaded my brain.

"That is because you are special."

"Special?"

I blurted out by accident, the voice chuckled again. Every time I heard this chuckle, cold sweat started to form on my back, sending shivers down my spine. The voice then spoke up once again, answering my question:

"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice in this immense presence. I earned another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good, your fate whether to enter hell or heaven hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked barely above a whisper, only now did I realise how much I was shaking and sweating in fear. This is true terror I felt, no matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide open eyes were stuck, stuck in terror. I couldn't look away from that eye. My instincts told me to run but my body wouldn't budge at all.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, my knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, I instinctively covered my face in terror and turned away from the eye but my legs, they just wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision, your fate is up to you afterwards. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

My breath hitched as my heart started to beat faster and heavier. The two options he gave me ran through my mind and I took a deep breath to calm my heartbeat down. How ironic, I died but my heart is still beating. Deep down, I knew I had already made up my mind, I wanted to see Ciel again, I want to see him, even if it's just one last time.

"I want to relive my life."

I want to see him again, no matter what.

"So, it will be."

The voice said as I started to fall again, I closed my eyes as my surroundings started to blur. I then saw a bright light in front of my eyes as I was born anew.


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Sun Jan 29, 2023 2:51 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi there!

For a prologue, I think this was successful in intriguing the reader to make them come back for the following chapters. You can feel the love and pain coming from the protagonist. A lot of guesses can be made about the possible reason why Michael took such a drastic step. But I hope if you bring some twists and slowly unwrap the plot in the coming story, then it could be a great read, unlike the usual romantic stories where the plot is a bit cliche.

I like the sweet description of Ciel that Michael gave, making the reader glued to the story in order to know more about this mysterious person. You could sense how much the narrator was longing for just one last glance of their beloved.

I usually avoid self-harming/suicidal content as they can be a bit triggering for me. But you kept it subtle and to the point. That was nice.

"You have to make one decision, your fate is up to you afterward. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

Hmm, at first I expected it would be the usual 50/50 question of whether you chose hell or heaven. But the fact that they had a chance to relive once again, gives a lot of potential to your plot. You have the opportunity to carefully present everything to the reader about the reasons that made Michael take such a step in the first place. Eventually, making the right decisions this time to change the outcome of this new life.

A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them.

Just a little suggestion here. I get what you want to portray here but it feels a bit bland here when you are reading it. Maybe try describing it in a way that follows the 'Show and not tell' technique.


Overall, I have a good feeling about your plot and would love to read more about your story. Keep up the good work.

Happy writing :)




MissSaigon says...


Tysm for this review!



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Mon Jan 23, 2023 3:22 am
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Zeno wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to leave a review.

Code: Select all
Now, here I stood, on the rooftop of my school at 11 pm, leaning over the edge. A light wind breeze blew past me, gently stroking a couple of hair strands that covered my ears behind them. I took a deep breath, staring at the rising moon. Soon it would fully cover the sky and shine over the city, engulfing it in its charm.

Oh, how beautiful it had shown that night, but no matter how beautiful this sight was, it would never be able to outshine your eyes. No matter how beautiful the moon has shone, it would never compete with your eyes, nothing could compete with that beauty hidden deep within your eyes. Those beautiful eyes, nothing could ever come close to the way they used to shine.

I just wish I could see you once more. I just wish I could look into your eyes one more time, see them outshine everything and everyone around them. Just one last time, one last time…

"I love you, Ciel. I love you with all my heart."

I took one step closer to the edge, smiling as I recalled your gorgeous bright smile. 
Silence, silence was all that could be heard. All the voices in my head started to quiet down, finally, it was silent.

So, this is what peace feels like. It feels so nice.

This section greatly portrays the love of Michael towards Ciel. It effectively sets a melancholic and contemplative tone through the protagonist's internal monologue and descriptions of the setting.

Code: Select all
"Where am I?"

"At the gate between heaven and hell, Micheal. You're dead."

The mysterious voice answered. I opened my eyes and saw bright auras and light.

On the right, I saw a golden gate which looked like it was formed by a god, a warm hearted god. So, that is heaven…I bet Ciel is there…
On the left, I saw a broken black gate, behind that gate, all I could see were flames. Many painful screams could be heard from within that gate. The aura was cold and unwelcoming there.

As I stared at the two gates and listened to the sounds coming from them, I realized the situation I am in.

"I thought, once a person dies, they go straight to heaven or hell, is my assumption wrong?"

I asked towards the direction the voice came from, suddenly a big eye opened itself in front of me. Its pupil glowed red and blue, it was split right in half. Its glow was so bright that I had to squint a little. The auras I felt before were visible in the eye.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by eyes and the room, everything around me tinged white and black, black where hell's gate has been and white where heaven's gate has stood. I stepped back a little in shock and terror. I didn't know what happened and thought about ways to escape or run away as the voice spoke up again:

"No, your assumption is correct, Michael."

"Why am I between the two gates then?"

I asked in return. A chuckle echoed through my ears, making cold sweat run down my back as I froze in place, the hoarse voice of that unknown creature then stroked my ears and echoed through them. It felt like the voice had invaded my brain.

Nice! Now we're introduced to heaven and hell. The use of imagery and sensory detail is very effective in creating a vivid and immersive experience for me, especially for the golden gate and the broken black gate, as well as the aura of warmth and coldness.

Code: Select all
"You're a 50/50 case, a case that only occurs once every 1 million years."

"50/50 case? What does that mean?"

I questioned, lowering my voice in this immense presence. I earned another chuckle before receiving an answer to my question:

"You are 50% evil and 50% good, your fate whether to enter hell or heaven hasn't been decided yet."

"What will happen to me now?"

I asked barely above a whisper, only now did I realise how much I was shaking and sweating in fear. This is true terror I felt, no matter how hard I tried to remove my eyes from that big glowing pupil, I couldn't. My wide open eyes were stuck, stuck in terror. I couldn't look away from that eye. My instincts told me to run but my body wouldn't budge at all.

The eye then widened and flew closer to me, my knees felt like they'd soon give out to me, I instinctively covered my face in terror and turned away from the eye but my legs, they just wouldn't start running no matter what…

"You have to make one decision, your fate is up to you afterwards. Your options are simple. Either take my position as gatekeeper and never enter hell or heaven until you find another 50/50 case or relive your life and change the outcome of your rating. What will you choose, Michael?"

The revelation of the "50/50 case" and the mysterious presence that speaks to Michael raises many questions about the story's world and its rules, making me want to know more about the story. I really hope that more explanation can be put into it instead of just treating it like a groundwork and ignoring it in future chapters.

Overall, the prologue is well-written and effectively captures my interest by creating a sense of mystery and intrigue, as well as an emotional connection to the protagonist through descriptive language and inner monologue.

That's all from me. Looking forward to chapter 1!




MissSaigon says...


This is what I call constructive well written feedback, thank you so much for this!




The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay