Pull the trigger baby
And watch me fallTalking to the dead
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Mislady101, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:[quite]And watch me fall
My heart might break
But don't weep honey
I'll always return [/quite]
I loved that you brought honey into this and painted the image of someone bawling their eyes out, but it's honey that's coming instead of tears. It's a weird thing, but very unique and I doubt anyone else would have thought of this before you. It shows that you know how to think up some new and exciting ways to entertain.
I feel that this poem would work best under the "satire" tag instead of just literature, because that's pretty much what you've created here. I'm sure this would work great as a letter to an ex XD But it does bring a bit of sadness when I read it, because I see someone that's been wronged, and is now trying to get in a few stabs of sweet revenge before it's all over. How tragic life really is.
Negatives:I don't really like that your poem has no apparent structure, yet three times you've used the standard 4x4 layout. It feels like a freestyle, and then not, and that sort of throws things off, especially the flow.
Overall:It's a good poem. Not perfect, but noteworthy.
I give it:
Hey, you wrote this poem really well! I liked reading it.
For me, some parts of the poem felt like a Beyonce song. Out of curiosity, are these song lyrics?
I don't completely think that the last two lines fit very well, it's either the way you've written it that I had to squint at to decipher. The elipsis is not necessary I think, it kinda confused me at first.
"Surely your mistress won't mind...
Talking to the dead:"
Also, the capitalisation of AROUND is a bit unnecessary too, the rationale of a poem where you sneak in words like 'around' which contain meaning, is not for you to point them out, it's for other people to discover it and think 'oooh i see what you did there'.
Lastly, be a bit careful with your stanza structure, it is a tad messy. But by no means is a poem with a constant number of lines per stanza always needed!!
All in all I like this poem but there are things you can change to make it better.
- Tiana
Heya, Mislady101! Casanova here to do a review for you!
Anyway, I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. Anyway, to the review!
The first line really makes this, so I'll have to give you props for that. It's strong, and gives the kind of speed similarity of a bullet and love, which I did enjoy. Although this does seem a bit more lyrical than poetic, with the,"baby," and,"honey." It takes away the seriousness of it, which I think you could use in this.
The second stanza-
Aye, here your phrasing gets me again. It's till really lyrical, and I'm honestly a sucker for lyrics. Anyway, the last three lines get me. If she stabbed you, she would be covered in your blood, as it would ooze out. Plus having her walk through your blood would give a certain.. Darkness to it, which is what I think you're trying to get out of this. The sweetheart line I like, though. I say call her sweetheart, but things like sugar makes me think an elderly black lady at my county store.
The last one-
I feel like you could have left out the,"Darling I'm dead," line. Build up and have the last line state you're dead, instead of giving it away right off the bat. The next thing is the playfulness of these lines was rather off putting for me.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped at least a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron