Here it is, enjoy (hopefully)
Chapter 5
Each carved stone, each wooden tree trunk is what makes this place ursine. Our land does not contain long blade straight motorways or flashing Las Vegas lights, but mud paths through forests and picket fences around gardens. Ursine's lands are not plastic, they are natural and wooden. However the thing I feel makes Ursine's what they are, their land how it is, is their extraordinary talent to accept anyone, no matter what race, what eye colour.
However everything has changed now, this is no longer an Ursine trait.
Ursine anger can not end well.
Diary of Richard Nickleson, Ursine leader 25th December 2009
I shoved through the crowds, protesters littering the streets. A wall of racist ursine, like me in appearance, same hair, same eyes, but such different minds. They have no right to feel so strongly about people they don't know. Each piece of brickwork, each tree, they were everywhere, signs and all. They planned to march, first around our forests, then around New Aryan city.
The crowds parted, allowing me through; out of the corner of my eye I saw who I was looking for. Matt leant, sign in hand, against a tall oak. Something in me felt betrayed by Matt, how could he do something like this? What if it actually worked? What if they... she left Britain forever?
“Why? Is this some sort of joke to you?” I allowed all emotions to leave me, eyes hardening, face as cold and rigid as stone.
“I did this for me, not you.” Matt gained maturity while he spoke, making me unsure how to doubt his serious words.
“You're not patriotic, you're not political, you don't have strong views on this stuff.”
“Oh, so now I'm not suppose to have views, I normally just sit in the corner and nod, but this time I won't. This subject, I have strong views on this subject and they are 'Aryan's leave England'.” He gestured towards his sign, his voice turning into a bear like growl.
“So what? Are you going to fight Aryans to the death over your views? If so I will guarantee now that they will win.”
“If I have to, I will.” He nodded solemnly.
“Bye Matt.” I turned my back on him, twisting through the crowds.
Glancing back I could see a look of injustice on his face, he knew we were no longer friends. I couldn't joke with him now, nor steal the remote and have him accept it, everything that made us good friends was gone. I'd always thought of him as a brother, but brothers don't do that. Brothers don't fight for something that would hurt the other, and that was what he was consciously doing. Maybe I would fight for Aryan if I had a choice, and I shouldn't have to stare at him on the other side of the line.
I reached my flat. It was looking even lonelier than normal, no Matt knocking on my door twice a day for random and totally unnecessary reasons. I smiled at the thought. I entered, allowing the dull, lifeless lounge to take affect on my mood, sending me into a greater depression. Slumping myself down on the sofa, I focused my eyes on the TV, attempting to think about something, anything else than my situation. My sad, self inflicted, painful, existence. Again my eyes moved, uncontrolled around the room. I focussed on a random object.
Me and Matt had been planning to paint this piece for school using the markers and acrylics that now sat expectantly on my kitchen counter. I wouldn't be talking to Matt at school, let alone working with him. We would simply be students who went to the same school. I grabbed the pens from the desk, a snap decision that I would probably regret soon enough.
I started off with the kitchen wall, opposite the sticky, ancient oven was an empty wall, in fact every room in the house seemed to have one dark, lonely wall. I began to draw, thick black lines straight on to my new canvas, my flat. The pen glided easily across the huge expanse, leaving a jet black trail, perfectly aligned. My pen swooped as if possessed as I worked through the night, each line spurring me on, enthusing me to draw more. When I had covered every part of the wall I could reach with unrecognisable marks, I pulled up a chair, letting my work flow all the way to the ceiling. Once I had drawn I painted, my acrylics strong and bright on the wall. I moved through each room, already decided what would look best in the space. I laughed as I kept looking up towards what I had done, it certainly wasn't in that nights plans.
By the time I had finished perfecting each rooms new look, it was morning.
In the kitchen I had painted a never ending stretch of people. Each had individual eye and hair colour, their clothing was made out of every material possible and they were all ages, all genders. The people were happy, untroubled by being close to people so different. I had painted a happier world. Each figure, clear to make out was beaming, they all seemed to have something to smile about, I envied them for that.
The bathroom contained two words, I had written carefully in bold, italics 'Lilac eyes'. This was, for once not based on one particular girl I had once met, but the race. The words reflected off the many mirrors that the tiny room held, seeming to be written five times across the tiny walls.
In my bedroom was a pair of eyes, facing my bed. They stared wide and bright towards me, filing the length of my little box room. The eyes were the same shape, same size as each other, but were separated by one defining feature. Colour. One eye was a vivid purple, stronger than would be naturally possible, the other a deep, almost black, brown. I don't even know why I wanted them there, but staring across towards me, the eyes just seemed to complete the room.
The lounge held my favourite, a long colourful field stretched across the entire wall, behind the television. It was flooded with flowers of all sorts, each so bright, so beautiful. Daffodils, poppies, tulips, all so defined. A hill stood in the middle of the flowers, and on that was a gnarled, old oak. It was just as I had seen it in the summer, the colours, the shapes, it calmed me just to look at the picture, and despite getting no sleep that night; strolling around my colourful flat, I felt more alive than the previous few months put together.
This is quite a short chapter, but I didn't think it needed any more than that. I would love a review if you have time (hint, hint)
Anyone who has read up to here, i really owe a review so if you feel like giving me a link, I'd be happy to.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello! Sorry it took me a while to get to this- it's great as always
I'm not that keen on how you repeat the use of 'however' in the first part, maybe the second sentence would sound more dramatic just starting as 'everything has changed now,'. At first you are talking about Ursine's as if they currently are like this but then you say they aren't like this anymore- I'd maybe change the first part a bit so you are talking in the past (for instance 'made Ursine's what they were' instead of 'makes Ursine's what they are') to make more sense
This doesn't really sound right to me, maybe something like 'At each piece of brickwork' would work to show you are talking about where the protesters are.
I'd maybe add a bit more to 'Why?' as on it's own it's not clear what you are talking about, maybe 'Why are you doing this?' or something like that. I'm not sure about saying 'emotions to leave me' as it makes it sound like he is letting them go when I didn't think he was, instead just making them clear to his friend. Perhaps saying something about allowing his emotions to show or letting his anger into his voice or something like that would a better way of putting across what you mean?
'how to' sounded out of place to me here, maybe 'whether to' would fit better
This to me came across a bit awkwardly, I'd consider rephrasing it to only say 'this subject' once, for example 'This subject I have strong views on.'
I'd swap these round as I kind of thought of the action happening once he had finished speaking so it seemed a bit strange to then refer back to his voice.
It might be more effective here to describe a bit about his expression instead of just saying it, so there is a clearer image in the readers mind of what he looks like
As they are a group of people, 'the Aryans' might be better than just 'Aryan' here.
It's a bit unclear here whether he is smiling at the thought that Matt wouldn't be knocking on his door or at the memory of how Matt used to always knock on his door. I'd maybe rephrase the sentence a bit to make more sense, perhaps saying something about him smiling sadly at the carefree times or something like that to show how he will miss his friend?
This sentence might run smoother without 'myself'.
I don't know if it's just me but 'uncontrolled about the room' sounds kind of strange. Maybe something like 'of their own free will' or something that describe the action like 'warily' would be better. 'focussed' has one 's' and you have just used it so I'd maybe change the word, perhaps 'they came to rest' or 'they fixed' as you are already talking about his eyes would work well.
I think maybe being a bit less vague would be good here, just to let the reader know what 'piece' they would have painted to make it seem like a more realistic occurrence
You repeat 'wall' a bit here, I'd try and leave it out where you can. Perhaps the first 'wall' after 'kitchen' could be taken out just so it is not repeated so much?
I think 'deciding' might fit better here than 'decided' and maybe 'hadn't been' instead of 'wasn't'
'the race' is a bit vague, I'd probably say 'the Aryan race' or something like to be more specific. I'm not sure about 'one particular girl I had once met', I think the sentence might run smoother as just 'one particular girl' or something like that (which would mean not repeating once too).
So you aren't repeating 'tiny' I'd change one, anything like 'small' or 'cramped' would work fine I think.
I think 'was' should be 'were' here.
Overall: Even though this chapter was short, it was well written and is continuing to build up the tension between your characters and what possible conflict might occur. I thought the paintings were a really nice touch too
I do think you could add some more detail though. For instance when he is in the crowd going towards his friend Matt and then away from him, you could really get across to the reader how cramped the area is, how hot and loud and suffocating it is to make them feel like they are really there. I like the description when he gets home and finds the flat to be dull and lifeless, but you could always add more to when he is painting. Remember to appeal to the senses, so when he is using the acrylics maybe there is the smell of fresh paint or the sound of it dripping down the walls. It's the little details that really get the reader involved
I also think you could add in bits about how he feels due to the loss of his friend throughout this piece- I think you do quite well at the beginning but you could always extend upon it and also whilst he is distracting himself painting I would have thought it would have entered his mind a couple of times- even if he just pushes it aside or feels a quick stab of pain. I can see that it would distract him but I think the problems with his friend would surface once or twice, or if it doesn't maybe commenting on the peculiarity that he didn't think of him during the night would be good instead.
I am looking forward to reading more about Lilac but I can see that this chapter is important in getting across the breakdown in relations between the MC and his friend
Umm, wow. Seriously. Love it, you have no idea how much.
Okay, so I don't have any critiques this time. I got to know you MC, got to like him, in fact.
And, just one little thing, maybe his emotions about Matt could be stronger. Whenever you part with the person you love [even as a brother] it almost feels like a physical pain. In your MC's mind, someone, his brother, in fact, died. He needs to feel that strongly. I never really understood how people did that. I don't think I'd be able to do that to someone close to me. Not even for their own good. Matt is a really strongheaded person.
Now, as a reader, I'm itching to know what's going on with Lilac!!! But as a writer, you could be building up the tension. I'm not sure what this story is about... accepting each other? It's not love-romance-break-up-sort of thing. I'm not sure what it is, but it is very thought provoking, and very....enchanting, really. Keep it up!
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