Chapter 2
The name 'Aryan' suggests white skin, perfect health and beauty, all of which the race possesses. A powerful dictator once described them as 'pure blooded' and so it is thought to be wrong to, if part of the race, to partner with anyone outside Aryan. The real name for the city which belongs to and homes all Aryan was lost in the 1960s, with their long dead ruler, (President Adolf Hitler) then came liberalism and fighting back. Those who had lived so long in secrecy for racial, health and religion purposes fought against the years of pain and suffering forced by the Aryan race and formed their own cities.
Lebensraum fighters, article 5000 special
I restarted the engine but it clicked uselessly. My car didn't like the cold. Cars sped past, a blur on the dark stretch of tarmac, I couldn't be bothered with retrying the engine, if it didn't work I was stranded. I allowed my eyes to shut, and they locked tight, plunging me into darkness.
“I think I like you. I mean, more than just a friend. I think I like you a lot, really, a lot.” I whispered solemnly in a desperate ramble; bracing myself to be shot down. Her eyes sparkled purple, and her lips glistened red, contrasting beautifully with her pale skin. A smile was edging its way up from the middle of her lips as she allowed a breath taking silence to shake every bone in my body. She nodded reflectively.
“I think I like you too. More than just a friend.” My jaw dropped; had she said what I thought she had? She grabbed my hand firmly in hers.
A car horn sounded. My eyes opened to find my car sitting in the centre of the motorway. It was still dark out, but the roads were more busy than before. It was five in the morning. The engine started without too much persuasion and I continued my journey, still groggy from lack of sleep.
At my front door, shabby and scratched, I stood; unwilling to go in. I unlocked the door eventually and felt the silence flood into my ears. White washed walls, mud matted carpets, a single bedroom. It was cold, even for winter, I didn't like switching on the heating, I didn't have the money to waste it on staying warm. I curled up in my single bed, allowing the thick duvet to surround me. My head hit the pillow, and I slept.
“Hey Lilac.” I grinned watching her running so perfectly through the flowers.
“What did you just call me?” Her eyebrows raised and her lips thinned.
“Lilac.” I knew she wouldn't like it, but I was just teasing.
“You know, technically because of the colour of my eyes I shouldn't be with you.” Her face tightened, her shoulders tensed. I rolled my eyes in response.
“Yes, but you love me too much now, you'll never leave me.” I spoke firmly.
“You know what, Lilac isn't too bad, I've had worse nicknames.” She relaxed into me, I'd gotten away with it, and found myself a new nickname for her. I didn't like her real name 'Ebony' too formal, too German.
A figure crouched, face hovering just over mine. I leapt to hands and knees on the bed, dragging myself towards the wall.
“Bloody hell Matt. Don't do that.” He smiled sheepishly in response and gave up his place beside me in the bed.
“Rough night last night?” He knew me well, too well. He'd figured out that I would go, before I had decided. It had been a rush, I had grabbed my keys and left and was half way there by the time I knew consciously what I was doing. I had gone, even when I knew it would most likely be traumatic. I had to try, persuade her, change her mind, she couldn't just forget about me, about my world.
“So she said no, did she? Matt pressed, it was the wrong thing to say.
“Stop it.” I didn't want to dwell over last night.
“Why did you want to go out with an Aryan anyway, they worship the swastika, are ruled by Nazism, and idealise Hitler.” He just didn't know when to stop and the ideal time would have been before he had started speaking. I glared at him, anger rising, tempting one more word about Aryan, one more criticism of her. He didn't seem to notice.
“She's a...” I didn't let him finish, I didn't want to know what he thought. My knuckles hit his stomach hard, slamming him into the opposite wall. “ .... Bloody Hell. Why did you do that Alex?”
“A warning.” A bear like growl rose automatically in my throat. He clutched his stomach feebly, it gave me a weird sense of pleasure to see him like that, crippled. I'm not mean, but he should have known better than to tempt me. I'd never hit him before, despite his constant remarks, especially about her.
I sat back down, our hair and eyes matching in mahogany oak tones. He flicked the television remote absent mindedly and two blue eyed presenters appeared on the screen They were glamorously dressed in all white, their tight 80s jackets and bootlegged jeans stuck to their bodies like glue, outlining every muscle. It was obvious what race they were from. They were old Aryan those who were in Hitler's dream world, before they evolved. It was the greatest shame of the Aryan race when their hair started to darken, generation after generation, turning slowly into what they are now. They were the laughing stock of the nation, before they reminded us that they were still good at fighting. That they were still the ancestors of those who fought against the British and won.
I was lost so deep in thought for a second that I had forgotten about the TV. Matt looked over quizzically, I ignored him. He had changed the channel since I had last checked, it was on racing now. The repetitive whiz past the screen was relaxing. The cars reminded me of last night, stranded on the snow bombed motor-way.
My phone beeped. What if it's her? Matt peered over my shoulder, thinking the same thing. What if she regretted her harsh words last night? What if I had reminded her of my world, enough for her to want to return? I paused, terrified to unlock the screen of my shabby old Nokia. “Just look at it.” Matt was being as impatient as ever. I let the screen slide smoothly up. My cheeks flushed in realisation. How could I forget. I closed the phone without even bothering to read it. “Well?” I liked having Matt questioning me, silent in confusion and wonder. Despite that, I was embarrassed that I would have to answer.
“It's just a text. My mum, she just messaged to remind me about dinner tonight. I always have dinner with her on a Saturday night.” My cheeks turned a deeper red as I watched Matt bite his lip to contain laughter. The urge to punch him hit me hard, however I resisted.
He left shortly after, meeting his girlfriend for lunch. He offered for me to come, but being third wheel was never my scene. Instead I did homework. More and more upcoming tests demanded my attention and my mind needed something else than her to focus on, but my attempted distraction failed miserably. For hours I attempted to focus my mind, work but in the end I had to give up. Dinner at my mums.
I strode quickly towards the the front door. It opened immediately, the door hinges straining under it's thick pine wood. My mother, a plump and eccentric woman, who had obviously had her ear pressed to the other side of it's wooden frame, waiting for my appearance; checked her watch critically. I was late, again.
I allowed her ten minutes of solid grumbling, while I made myself comfortable against a kitchen cabinet. She spoke eagerly and with detail, every problem she had had in the last week was explained to me, analysed and then retold. I only nodded and looked sympathetic.
When dinner was finally ready, I escaped quickly to the table. It was normal, like I'd done for so many years, before I'd moved out. I didn't have to be independent for that evening. I'd always grown up with people telling me I had to move out at sixteen, gain my independence, but when I finally reached that stage in my life, all I wanted was to not have to worry about cooking dinner and maintaining an income. The Aryan don't have to move out till they're eighteen, so why do we?
My mother applauded her own chicken, as she brought it t the table. Vegetable after vegetable by its side, roasted to perfection. The table was quickly filled with far too much food. I sat, feeling way too full for the big meal ahead, my brother obviously thinking the same thing, from the terrified look on his face.
I looked around at the quaint room, my real home; lit by a crackling fire and several candles. The room was crammed with wooden ornaments and furniture, all old and antique, mismatched from every other piece of furniture in the room. A small window, opposite me, displayed tree after tree in the dense forest around. Woodland scenery, something else I couldn't find in my flat. Each purple flower defined against the green moss.
When we had all eaten, we began discussions. My family like discussing politics and I used to enjoy a debate, but unfortunately the story on everyone's lips is one that I am far too close to.
“Those Aryans, they think they know everything. The purple eyed monsters, they own half the world, yet keep wanting more.” I gritted my teeth firmly together as my little brother spoke, obviously right from the mouth of his history teacher. “I mean, who do they think they are. Won a war sixty years ago and are still going on about it.” My fists clenched. “You know scientists are saying it was evolution that has changed them from their blonde hair, blue eye style? Well it was actually inbreeding.”
I lifted myself from the table, eyes fixed in concentration. I was not going to punch my little brother, I could not punch my brother. It was not his fault that he was pulling all the wrong strings. despite the rising temptation, i kept my fists tight under the table. “Thanks for dinner,” My jaws locked and face hardened. I attempted to glided gracefully out of the room.
Ok, my second chapter, I'm slightly stuck on how to continue from here but I'll give it a go. Any suggestions? Please review even if you only say one word, it really helps me write.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey Miriam! I'm here, again ^_^
First of all, I'm liking this, but nothing has made my breathe stop, if ya know what I'm meaning. You told me your biggest problem was that people would loose interest, and right now, it's not that I've lost interest, but it's not something I would wait anxiously for an update.
Now, onto the review!
There's something wrong here. Not with the writing, but with the codes. In the normal view, the last paragraph isn't italicized, but when I write in the reply box and click 'preview' it already appears italicized, so just check the codes to make sure everything is in place.
It was five in the morning. <-- This line doesn't fit here. It's like on of those supplementary informations that you have to watch out for. If you move to after the last line I quoted, then it should fit ^^
Now you jumped to another scene! When did you arrived at home? I didn't read anything refearing to that
Slept sounds awkward here. Try: and I fell asleep, or soemthing.
How can someone relax into you? I could feel her relaxing a bit, would sound better, or something close to that.
There's some lack of punctuation here. this should be: I didn't like her real name. 'Ebony'. Too formal, too German. You cna change the period into a comma, either would be correct, but something has to be there.
The first line needs some punctuation. Try: "Bloody hell, Matt! Don't do that," <-- that way you get more emotion into it
This doesn't sound natural. Cut the 'last night'
Zomg! We know his name
The comma should be a semi-colon.
Matt's line should be a new paragraph.
The first part of this sentence sounds badly worder. try: He asked me if I wanted to join them, ...
Comma after instead.
The attempted here is too repetitive. You just finished the previous sentence with 'attempted'. Try: For hours I tried to focus ...
The last line is a change too abrupt. Add something in between like; when I realized I failed at gave up, it was already time for dinner at my mum's. Also, mums should be mum's.
Typo?
When did he get in the car and drove to his mum's? Again, describe that, so that he doesn't pops up at his mother's door step
Where did his brother come from? Explain it a bit more. Are they friendly? They didn't even greeted one another.
Your MC and other characters
They sound really good. I can't sense you've put a lot of work into Alex, and even his roommate, Matt, seems a bit complex. I really liked Alex
Description and Imagery
Now, your descriptionwas good, it appeared here and there and in enough quantity. But on imagery, it wasn't that much. I liked how you displayed their body language and such, but you should try to put a little bit more into it.
I want to mention your jumps again. You really have to fix them. having gaps in a story is not good.
Overall: You had minor grammar mistakes and punctuation, but nothing really serious. Your biggest problem on this chapter is the gaps
So, keep 'em coming!
*Kat*
war was what I was thinking. Getting them caught up in racial abuse, i was even wondering about him going off to war, decorated war veteran and all, but none of these ideas are confirmed. Thank you so much for your comment 'Pippiedooda' and Lucyy as well. It's so good to know what people think and it is what keeps me writing. I'm half way through chapter three and should have it up soon.
Miriam
Hello again!
Sorry it took me so long to get to this part, I thought it was great though! I agree with the comments lucyy made but have a few more 
So you are not repeating 'car' so close to one another I'd maybe change one, perhaps 'Cars sped past' could be 'vehicles'?
I can see what you mean but to me 'solemnly' and rambling desperately don't really go that well. Maybe something like 'breathlessly' or if you wanted to get across how serious he felt you could talk about him staring solemnly at her searching for her reaction.
It sounded a bit strange to me to say that the smile came from the middle of her lips, instead I'd say something about the corners of her mouth turning slightly as that would more be where the first sign of a smile would come from
I'd change one 'still' so it is not being repeated, maybe you could get rid of the first one and add something like 'as before' after 'motorway'? How does he know it was five in the morning? Before this he doesn't have much of a sense of time, so if he glances at his watch or the clock in the car I'd maybe mention that.
I agree with the comments lucyy made here but have a couple more things
I'm not sure if you need 'it' here after 'waste', maybe the sentence would sound better without it.
'perfectly' here I think could be replaced with a better word as perfectly doesn't really say much. How can you run perfectly? Maybe something like 'gracefully' would work better as it more describes the action.
Is she next to him? You didn't mention where he and she were standing so maybe I'd mention her stopping and either him or her walking up to the other at one point as before this she was running.
I think this might sound better with 'my' after 'leapt to'
Just an idea here but maybe 'our world' would sound better to show it was what they shared
'idealise' does work here but I was just wondering if you meant 'idolise' as that might fit even more.
I'm not sure about just 'tempting' here, I think it might be better to say something like 'daring him to say' to explain a bit more what you mean.
I'd add a bit more before he asks this- you give a good description in a bit, but just a short something to let the reader know immediatlly what the scene looks like I think would work well. Maybe he gave a gasp as the wind was pushed from his lungs and looked up at Alex with a wounded expression or something like that. I'd also comment on how he says this as he is bound to be in a bit of pain, so maybe you could have him gasping or struggling to speak.
This is a bit too quick for my liking from Alex being mad at him and hurting his friend to them both sitting down calmly. Maybe you could add a bit more to show his friend recovering before taking his place and still looking slightly hurt by Alex's outburst? I also was not aware of a television before this so I'd introduce it a bit more, perhaps describing how old and scruffy it is to fit in with him not having enough money.
I agree with what lucyy suggested about putting this into italics for thoughts, but if you did not want to do this then you could always leave it out and instead just say how he reacted in his feelings, for instance 'My phone beeped. My heart leapt into my throat at the prospect of it being from her.'
I think this sentence might run a bit smoother with 'his' before 'laughter'.
I haven't heard the term 'third wheel' before although that could just be me
I don't think you need 'it's' before 'thick pine' here.
As you have already mentioned about it being wooden, I'd maybe just leave it as 'frame' here
I'd add a bit more to 'it was normal' as to me it read a little strangely with the rest of the sentence, maybe something like 'it was a completely normal thing to do' or 'it was a completely normal action'.
Because you are talking about all the furniture to start with, it sounded a bit odd to say it was mismatched from every other piece of furniture in the room. Instead I’d maybe say something like ‘each mismatched from every other piece’ or something like that.
‘surrounding dense forest’ might read a bit better here than ‘dense forest around’
I agree again with what lucyy said here, I think you should be a bit more specific about who is there as at first I thought it would just be his mum and him. I’m not sure about this sentence, I think it could be phrased a bit better to either ‘By the time we had all eaten, discussions had already began’ to show that discussion had started before they had finished or ’Once we had all eaten, we began discussions’ to show that they started talking once they had finished their food.
You switch to present tense here, I think ‘like’ should be ‘liked’ and the last part to be ‘but unfortunately the story on everyone’s lips was one that I was far too close to. ‘
I’d maybe add a question mark on the end here so it’s a question.
I think you could say something better than ‘lifted’ for the action and where are his eye’s fixed? I’d maybe mention an object or focus to show how he is trying to reign in his anger. Perhaps something like this ‘I rose steadily from the table, my eyes fixed on the opposite wall in concentration.’
The I needs to be capitalised
‘glided’ should be ‘glide’ here.
Overall: I did this in stages but I think you have edited, (my last point was going to be about the gliding not really suiting him but you fixed that well
I think you could add a bit more in a couple of areas, like surrounding his room as the television was not mentioned before and how his friend and him recover from the fight. Especially as he has not hit him before, I’d expect more of a reaction and generally feeling quite hurt. I think you could also bring his family a little more into it (if only briefly) to show who they are and perhaps a bit of detail on their looks added in every now and then. I think the description on the mother was great but maybe something similar for the brother?
I liked the flashbacks, I thought they worked really well
About continuing, I know exactly what you mean as after the first couple of parts I always get pretty stuck on how to carry on as well! I have a couple of suggestions, but I don’t know if they are very helpful sorry. The first is maybe to have the story based around him trying to get her back, perhaps he tries to make a name for himself and become successful to win her despite his race. Maybe she is even announced to be marrying someone else so there is more competition. Another idea could be that there is some conflict between the two races and he is caught up in it and so is she, perhaps her race start ‘exterminating’ weaker ones or Alex's family get caught up in a rebellion (perhaps his brother as he seems quite opposed to them) and it ends up becoming a fight with them on either side. It could even build up to an outright war between the races.
Whenever I have trouble with carrying on I find a spider diagram helps in just noting down all sorts of ideas and exploring how they would work
Hiya, I'm back!! (:
Last Minute Views
Jumping
Okay, your biggest problem is jumping from one scene to the next, without describing, or just saying, how you got there. It's like you're telling us that someone is sat down eating a sandwich and the next moment he's strolling down the park. What happened between the person sat down eating the sandwich to then have him in a park... Do you see where I'm coming from? You need to make sure that all gaps are closed in and explained, if only a little. In the excerpt I went through just now, this part stood out the most to me:
I had to say, you had me staring at the screen with a very confused expression. What happened between him trying to do his homework and then striding to the front door of his old house? You need to fill in the gap, even if you just say something like: I could no longer bear the silence and emptiness of my own flat. I had to get out and into some normality of the hustle and bustle of my real home... But a lot better put
Your MC
I liked how you portray him, and I can tell that a lot of work went into developing his character, which comes across in your writing. I'm never short of knowing what your MC is thinking or feeling - which is great!! Great job (:
Descriptions
I also thought that your descriptions were good. They were put in when needed and not to much or too little was used. Another great job
Overall Thoughts
This was an enjoyable read and the concept of forbidden love was interesting too. If you just work on your 'jumping', then your writing will improve noticeably, not that it isn't great already!! =D Great job with this, and I have to say that I think I'm hooked, and would love to know what happens... PM me when you post the next chapter!! However, before that I'll take a look at your previous chapter, just like you asked and so I can follow it a bit better (:
Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
Hitler? Wow, heavy subject. You sure you're ready to take that on? The horrors that happened there are far more horrifying than you could imagine.
it was well described- I've always had a problem with describing violence, and you did a fairly good job at it right now, so I say, give credit where credit is deserved. Nice going.
I don't think you want to get into that; for one, it might scare you to death, the death of more than a million human beings, little children, people, ugh! How can you want to write about that? It's terrifying.
Second reason; what if someone gets offended? even if you call them 'monsters' let's say, one time, someone might sue you for calling his belief and his race a monster. Think about that.
I liked it a lot- you've got talent, and the whole history direction got me really surprised- in the good way though. I really really want to read more, the chapters are really great and the idea is awesome and the way you write too.
I liked it when he punched his friend
It really and honestly was good.
I think that you shouldn't change the history direction, despite what I just said. It gives the story a feeling of realness, like it actually happened. You also gave us the time of the story now, so I can be sure when it is. I liked that it isn't too far away, yet not that close. I don't think you're likely to be sued over it if you write that it's all fiction, but you can never be too carefull. Don't want to get yourself in trouble.
Thank you so much for PM-ing me, is it okay if you keep doing that? It's just helpful.
I can't wait to read next chapter!!
ofir
Hiya there, I have decided to review your piece today. I can see that it is a second chapter, so I apologise in advance if I ask any stupid questions - the best to do is just ignore them
hehe. So, firstly I will go through the whole piece making [comments/suggestions] and edits or extra adding-ins, then I will go through the whole review with you at the end. Well, lets do this, and I really hope this helps you out!! (:
I need to leave it there, but I promise I'll be back to read the rest. Great job so far, you have me hooked!! (:
I shall be back
--Lucyy xx