for this contest.
Prologue:
One day, Paul 5290 (His nickname was Paul) was going out for a walk. He had recently learned of SKINS, the Paul's God, and wanted to pay his respects at his shrine. Now, SKIN'S shrine was deep into the forest, but Paul 5290 hoped that SKINS would grant him the ultimate position- his avatar. Paul 5290 was normal, but always strove to be more than that.
His trek began in the Town of Paul (#16).
"I'm going to the Shrine of SKINS." He informed his parent Paul, Paul 4592.
He snorted. "Good luck. Almost any other Paul has more of a chance."
Of course, that lowered his spirit to a faint glow, but he refused to give up. "I don't care!" He huffed.
"Well, I'm not helping you, Paul 5290."
"Dad, I told you to call me Paul."
"Whatever," he replied, swinging in his rocking chair.
"I'm leaving now." Out Paul 5290 went, skipping until he got to the forest.
The forest to the north of the Town of Paul is very scary, haunted by things called 'YWS spirits'. They claim almost anything they can to make the Paul their avatar. One called Jash captured one Paul- Paul 1682- but he soon escaped. But they're still scary.
Hands reached out to grab him. Of course, his spirit was lowered to sparks, but he refused to give up.
"You can't get me!" He exclaimed, running. He was almost captured many times- he was never very good at Town of Paul School's relay races. He was scared out of his wits, but ran on.
He soon emerged in a clearing. All of the YWS Spirits ceased to try to grab him. Huffing and puffing, he danced.
Before he saw the Spirit of SKINS.
It was a dazzling Paul. This one- sometimes called Paul 1- was the size of a doorway. He had flowers in his hands, and had a billion flies buzzing all around him. He was wearing a flowing pink dress and held a wand. He smiled sweetly at Paul 5290. Paul, entranced, just stared, mouth a-gape. He stared so long his eye pupils dissipated. He still stared until a single fly crawled into his mouth, but he didn't move.
The Spirit of SKINS floated over to him and tapped him on the head with his wand- he still didn't move.
"Save as PAUL 5290 AVATAR." The Spirit said in a low, manly voice. "Log into YWS. User name: Skins. Password: *******. My YWS. Profile. Change avatar. Delete PAUL 1649 AVATAR. Open: PAUL 5290 AVATAR. Save."
Paul 5290 was surrounded by a bright white spotlight, a legend for all time. He was SKINS' avatar.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Tiger, here for a contest review!
Paul being not very good at sports was just another of the many jokes, and really, this made for a good comedy read. Kudos, Milk!
This was really funny. The reference to Jash was great, as was the YWS spirits. I can easily imagine us hanging around a creepy old forest, ready to grab a Paul!
The only critique I have is that I feel this could be slightly longer. Like we could see a bit more of Paul's father and the other Pauls, and we could learn about how Paul lived after he became an avatar. That would have been interesting to see and, I think, could have expanded your story even more. But great job with what you have done, and KEEP WRITING!
Tiger
Yoooo! 'Tis me!
This review will only be a brief one because, well, I've got a lot of these to get to. Also, I don't want to make it obvious how much I like or dislike this piece compared to others, so the more brief I am, the less likely that is to happen. Don't worry though, I will still try to make this critique helpful!
Hehe, okay, so I thought this was really cute! You certainly portrayed Paul for the babe that we all know he is, and I really like the whole world you made up. To think that there could be an entire world full of Pauls... I think the whole idea of this was really awesome, and definitely amusing. Oh, and I adored how you put Jash in it. I was like, ZOMG, it's Jash! You brought YWS into it, which I loved. The grammar and such was great too. I didn't' see any problems with that.
As for a critique, I think you could have been a bit more detailed in places. Take the prologue, for example. I think you meant for it to be brief, but I actually would have liked it a bit longer. It felt more like a short paragraph to let us readers know what The Town of Paul was rather than an introduction as such... It was a bit telly, I guess. It would have been cool for you to have maybe made more out of the prologue, lengthened it with more detail and such. Made my mind go DUN, DUN, DUUUUNN! after I read it, you know? There could have been some more details in other places too, but I especially would have liked some more in the prologue.
All in all, great job!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I joined the contest as well, but I gotta say, this is AMAZING! Oh my gosh, I loved this story so much!
Keep Writing!
Nike
I just wanted to say something.
ya'know how Paul is a guy in the bible? I want to know how many people clicked in it thinking it was a bible tory! like Paul 52:90 or something!
I bit my finger to stop laughing at my part.
This is epic, daughter! Very proud.
I won't be able to give you a serious review either I'm afraid, I'm too busy laughing to death.
I was going to enter the contest but then I read this. I'm officially giving up. Not that I could have written anything, I have serious writers block.
Contests of this, if SKINS doesn't pick this she is insane.
Be proud, it's very well written!
Hey there Milk,
I think you may be missing a word or two, there.should be a comma after whatever, and a lower case 'he'.
lowercase
many
did you mean 'head' or 'heart'? Also, the period in the middle of the sentence....typo?
And that is it for the nitpicks! haha! Milk, I thought this was hilarious.
I really have nothing else to add, great job and good luck!
Tanya
Hey there Milk! :] Sporks here for a review.
I'm not going to be able to give this a serious review, but I'll give you some general comments. It's really funny. And I like the inside jokes in it, such as the mention of jash, hahaha.
Anyway, good luck in the contest. :]