“What's with you and these crazy ideas?”
“Haha, you're like some sort of fairy tale!”
“Calm down! Stop twirling around every which way.”
Kailee, my sister, I wonder... What would you say to me today? You would probably pat my head roughly and say “Everything isn't over! Get a grip and calm down.” It may seem rude, but that was just the way you showed your affection. You were always relaxed and joking around, poking fun at my strange ideas. Where are you now? Before, I would have immediately started thinking to myself how it was okay, because you were still you, just somewhere else, in a far off world, maybe.
I'm not quite sure if that's the truth anymore.
“Stop with your incessant twirling already.”
“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.”
“Don't keep thinking such pointless thoughts.”
You used to say these words gently, though. And even when you told me over and over to keep my head and stay grounded, I would never listen and just continue on, thinking and twirling and dreaming in my own world far, far away from here. I should have listened. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be in this position right now.
“Oh come on, Kailee! Open your mind! I'm not talking about aliens or anything, I'm just saying! What if we aren't alone in the sense of dimensions!” The colors of summer twisted together in a blur, as my feet turned faster and faster on the soft green grass.
“I can't take you seriously when you're twirling around like that.”
“You never take me seriously ever, so why would my twirling around make a difference?”
“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.”
“Awe, that was mean," I teased.
“I'm just a mean person, you know that.”
“Maybe if you thought a little. You know, about the world around you, or even of 'impossible' things. It's... fun.”
“Shyla, you're always talking about other worlds and places that just couldn't exist.”
“And how would you know? Huh? What if there was another world somewhere, out of our reach, where there's another you and another me? One where you can do special things or one that's more advanced.”
“Oh great, now you're going on about doppelgangers?”
“Ha-ha," I laughed sarcastically. "The world's a big place, you know. And we can't understand it all. Where do you think fictional stories come from? And fairy tales? Someone has to get the ideas from somewhere.”
“That's what an imagination is for, and right now, yours is running wild so you better go catch it and bring it back to reality.”
“Reality, the human mind, earth... It's all just one big mystery. One big story waiting to be told.”
As I twirled here, in this meadow of plush green grass, under a peaceful sky, dreaming and thinking about unknown things, the world seemed so much bigger and alive than most people think. Opening your mind and letting ideas and daydreams roam freely is quite the adventure in itself. No one knows just how big everything around us is, or just how magical. The light breeze whispering tales of happy times and the far off mountains outlined in the distance, shouting out the truths that were yet to be found.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Mirror: Chapter OnePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,529 Literary Works • 673,399 Reviews
Hi! So, I'm Rachael and I'll be reviewing your Prologue here! :)
This sounds odd. It'd make more sense if you said, "Kailee, my sister...I wonder what you would say to me today?" Or something like that. Actually, it'd sound even better if you didn't mention that Kailee was the protagonist's sister. Mentioning it from the get-go makes it sound forced and like you're just trying to get the information out right away. Instead, try and find a better way to slip it in there, for example: "Before, I would have immediately started thinking to myself how it was okay, because you were still you, you were still my sister, just somewhere else, in a far off world, maybe." This way, it sounds less forced and in your face.First off, the typos:
Again, this line seems forced; at least, to me it does. It would be better if you used something like, "It's not over!" or something of the sort. Just a suggestion, of course. :)
I like this line! I also like the placement of it. Nice job! :]
Personally, I think this would sound a lot better if you used "universe" in it's place. It just makes more sense to me since your character is talking about different worlds and dimensions.
Now, my overall review:
Alright, so far, I really like this. I like the idea you have here and I feel like you can do a lot with it. Which is what frustrates me so much. I can already tell that dialogue is your strong point, which explains why you use it so much here. For me, it's all about the details when I read a novel. I like just enough details to let me picture it, but not too much to where I can't imagine anything of my own. Here, you really don't have to worry about too many details, because you have hardly any.
This whole prologue is basically dialogue. Don't get me wrong, it's some great dialogue and feels like a real conversation, but who is it between? Who are the people talking? Where are they? What are they doing? The answers to these questions are what help the readers get into the story and is what makes it feel more real. In this scene, it's really difficult for me to feel any attachment to the characters because there are so little details about them. Also, it's really difficult for me to imagine this scene playing out other than a girl twirling in soft grass in the summer. Is she in a meadow? Or out on somebody's lawn? Is her sister sitting in the grass beside her? Or is she standing with her hands on her hips nearby? To readers, these are the little things that really matter.
So, overall, I think you have a great story here, it's just needs some meat on it's bones (which would be some descriptions and details). I hope I helped a little. :) You truly do have a great story and I can definitely see potential. Keep writing! I can't wait to read more!
Rachael :D
Hi Mick! Here as requested. I'm going to try to get as much as I can done of this novel, because I leave for the beach, and probably won't be back for awhile. I may take the laptop with me, but just in case....
This seems a little weird to me. Maybe because your talking about her and then to her Consider rephrasing this![/color
[color=#FF0000]now that I look at it, these two seem to have nothing to do with each other. Did you mean it to be that way?
this is a beautiful way of saying what is something boring to begin with. Kudos.
~~~
I loved it! Very well written, and I didn't notice any huge grammatical mistakes. And besides which I listed above, I don't see much wrong with it.
I was a little confused about how old she was, considering a teenager would never be twirling around (okay, I do, but I'm weird)
I think it was a great beginning. Keep up the good work!
Now on to chapter 1!!!
~Drama
I really like what you have here! This is very short, but I think it gives us a good taste of the characters and what this story is going to be about. I already told you I was going to review all of this for you, but even if I didn’t, I would still go on to chapter two just because I enjoyed reading this so much ^_^
The feel I had while reading this was like I was in some sort of dream, or even a movie. The flashbacks felt very smooth, and just like they were part of the story. A lot of the time I feel like flashbacks are rushed, like the author is trying to squeeze in some kind of information before they fast forward back to the scene at hand, but that is definitely not the case here. Your pace was brilliant, and everything felt smooth and natural.
The dialogue was my favorite part. I could almost hear these two girls chatting to each other. I feel like Shyla is around thirteen or fourteen years old, and Kailee is perhaps a little older. You don’t tell us any of this out loud, but the dialogue is so vivid that I’m able to formulate your characters in my own head.
So loved how you showed the characters in this first chapter, and I’m really glad that you didn’t go overboard on nonsense description and details, and just let the dialogue carry the story.
What else to say? You obviously know what you’re doing, and I love it! Keep writing, please
Here I am, finally. Corrections are in red.
PM me if you have any questions or comments. Thanks for the request, and keep writing.
-Kafka
Hello hi!
I liked this. A few folks have said it was confusing and I agree with them to a point, but I really did like it. What mostly confused me was the lack of dialogue tags. The dialogue here was wonderful and I really wanted to connect to these characters, but I wasn't really sure which was which. Obviously we had the first-person narrator and some other person, but I wasn't always clear on who was speaking when it came to the actual talking later. It was clear that there was a spacey one and a more grounded one, but all the way until the end, I wasn't really clear that the narrator was the spacey one.
I really liked the mood set here though. It just had a lot of atmosphere to it and even if I have no idea what this story is about, I find myself hooked anyway. All it really needs is just a bit more grounding. Folks before me have given some good suggestions about adding some action around the dialogue, letting us figure out who's talking. Like I said, I really liked these two characters, but getting to see which is which will make them that much more sympathetic and real. We'll be able to identify them and identify with them.
Lots of potential here. I definitely will be reading on.
~GryphonFledgling
Hello,
I'm back for a much better review haha. Ok so I loved this idea and think you will do great. I just say need to add details and at the beginning you need to show who's talking when because I was confused...thought it was one person. Anyways I liked it and can't wait from more. Keep up the good work. Just add more details of what's going on and about the characters and you should be good. Hope this helps you somewhat. Sayonara.
Soulkana<3
Hey there,
Sorry this is a very short review...it is wayyyyyyyy past my bedtime and I need rest. I'll add to reading list and most definitely look and give a much thorough review tomorrow at the earliest I can manage. Just want to say before I leave I absolutely loved this and can't wait to keep going. Until tomorrow, Adios.
Soulkana<3
Hey,
Contrary to the others, I liked the amount of dialogue. Granted, you need some "meat" as they said, but that doesn't need to be in the form of direct tags, e.g. he said, he shouted, etc.
You could just fill in some setting details or some character actions. With only two speakers, no need to baby the reader along. Plus, the narrator has a beautiful voice and it'd be a shame to lose that to tags that don't need to be there.
What I mean by indirect tags... you could do something like:
With that one above, you get the name of the speaker but no "He said 'Blank'" effect.
And, yeah, your narrator has a great voice, rich with personality, and atypical for first person too. I got a sense of where the story was going thematically but none of the actual details, and the teaser at the beginning combined with the end, I'm intrigued. I like the mystery and the edge to this, and will be reading on.
Let me know if you have any questions,
Sock
Hey, the title really grabbed me in but I am not sure of the plot. It all seems a bit confussing. It might be just me but I have no idea about what is going on really. Sorry
Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo
This is a run-on sentence.
A comma needs to be after anymore.
Braincells need to be brain cells.
The last three sentences ended with things. You may want to reword at least one of the sentences.
This section would be easier to read if there spaces between each paragraph.
At first, it wasn't obvious who Kailee was. You may want to tell the readers who she is earlier than you do.
The comma needs to either be a semicolon or a period.
Worlds needs to be world's.
Before now, you haven't told the reader what the setting was. You may want to include the setting earlier on.
Think should be thought.
This prologue is very interesting. It definitely made me want to read more. The only problems other than grammar that I could see were including more setting, making sure the reader knows who is talking, and showing how old each girl is.
Love it! the story sounds really good, I think the story has lot of potential, though it does get a little confusing at times, but that could be ne
anyway i really like the story, im gonna read the first chapter maybe it wont be as confusing then, great job!
Hey Micki!
First of all, a couple of typos!
“You'll loose braincells if you keep thinking about those things.” <-- "braincells" should be "brain cells"!
“Don't worry about pointless things” <-- You should have a period at the end of the sentence.
“Because now instead of sounding like a lune, you look like one too.” <-- "lune" should be "loon"!
“Awe, that was mean.” <-- Sounds are tricky, but in this case, it should be spelled as "Aw".
Okay, now that those nitpicks are done, let's get the meat of the story, shall we?
The biggest thing that I noticed here was the lack of description of the dialogue. It seemed more like a script with no stage directions rather than a novel. When you write, it's generally a good idea to add some description to your dialogue so it can be more easily seen. For instance, pretend you had a dialogue like this:
"Hi, how are you doing."
"Fine, how about you?"
"All right. I was wondering if you could do something for me."
"It depends. What do you want me to do?"
A pretty typical dialogue, right? Completely realistic. Now, let's add a story.
Ted rushed in, stamping his time card. Then he glanced at the secretary, whistling. "Hi, how are you doing."
The secretary didn't look up. She wanted him to leave as soon as possible. She tapped a few more keys on her keyboard. "Fine, how about you?" she said in the dullest voice possible."
"All right. I was wondering if you could do something for me." He winked at her.
Inwardly, she groaned. "It depends. What do you want me to do?"
Let's make this another story!
Prison was never a fun place to go to, but Nora loved it. She loved the evil shiver that would creep through her spine whenever she went. This time, it was no different. She came to her prisoner, a traitor, and smiled at him. "Hi, how are you doing."
He could barely lift his head. "Fine, how about you?" he gasped out.
She jerked up his head by his hair and he screamed. Clumps of hair fell out. "All right," she said pleasantly. "I was wondering if you could do something for me."
He gazed blearily at her. "It depends. What do you want me to do?"
This is a fun exercise! You should try it too.
The thing is, how you describe the dialogue makes all the difference. Just dialogue is fun, sometimes, but don't be afraid to add more description.
Hey there partner! I'm here to review!
So, I like this. It's a bit interesting but it seems a bit cliche at the moment but then again, a lot of stories are cliche so don't worry about that too much. I still have a lot to read, no?
What I noticed the most out of this prologue is the dialogue. Because well, that's all you have. There is no setting or description it's just thoughts and dialogue put together. I don't know where they are or how old they are. Some things are missing, you know? lol It's alright though, that's still easy to fix.
But, with the dialogue that you have, it's actually pretty strong and sounds like a real conversation. Like, it's quite fluid and easy to picture even with out the description, you know? However, I still think that you should try to work in some descriptions here and there.
As others have mentions, some of your writing is a bit confusing and I think the reason for this is that it seems to be lacking some foundation. Like you're writing but the direction you want to go isn't quite built up all the way. When you're trending on open waters like that, sometimes the writing will come out to be a bit shaky and might confuse readers since you'll be thinking too many things at once. Anyway, it's still the prologue so yeah.
Overall, it's interesting but still needs some meat! xD
-Pink
Hi there! Lavvi in to review as requested.
It's an okay start for a prologue, but it came off more as a sort of Chapter One instead of a prologue. But it works, I guess. Here's for the substance:
A) De-twirl yourself. Okay, so what I noticed right off the bat was that you used the same word frequently. This word is "twirl" and the repetition gets rather dull and unprofessional. Have some variety and your story will be that much better. I promise you. And usually you can find great replacement words in a thesaurus. Just don't go overboard and write out a word that's rarely used. As long as you know the word, most likely your audience will know the word. If you don't own a thesaurus, you could try out this one. It's fairly easy to understand and gives you wide options and suggestions.
B) Prose wanted. So, sure, you are writing, but you are sorely lacking in narrative. The majority of your prologue is dialogue. Don't get me wrong, dialogue is definitely needed in a novel but too much of it can be overwhelming. Here, you have too much of it and suffer from lacking characters. As in, the readers are clueless to who's really talking. So easy to specify that. And because of this overdose of dialogue, you're missing so much description needed. C'mon, don't be afraid to write more!
Overall, I thought that it could be better. I think the whole too much dialogue thing really put me off and that can be easily resolved
Yours,
Lavvi
I love, love, love the introduction. I love the dialogue, but to be honest, I think this would make an awesome play rather than a book. If it is supposed to be a story, a novel, it needs more detail and description, though I'm sure others have probably told you this. A suggestion (just a suggestion): since you seem to be really great at dialogue (which I completely fail at) maybe you should write this as a play? I think that would be amazing.
The Title Captured My Attention, But I Don't Understand The Plot, But It's All Right Overall, Keep Writing! Sorry For Such A Bad Review But That's All I Have. :C
~Xiahouzay
Hello!
I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer today!
Here we go.
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
Whoa. Try to slow down here.
There is a whole lot of dialogue, but it's confusing because it doesn't really help reveal anything due to it's lack of detail, and you don't landmark( as in, "he said", or "she laughed".)
Now this, is just a whole bunch of dialogue. I think you are taking the "show, don't tell' bit a little far. You shouldn't let the dialogue tell your story, just let it be a part of and help your story.
And don't forget to tell the reader who is talking.( aka- landmark)
Overall: You have a nice idea here, but the way you've written is quite confusing.
please remember to landmark and add details to build your story, not dialogue.
But good Job!
Keep Writing!
-------------------------------
-Jojo