“Not everything is fun and games, you know,” Kailee repeated to me for the tenth time that morning.
“I know that. I'm not saying anything about fun and/or games.”
“Don't kids usually stop thinking like this when they're seven?”
“Maybe,” I laughed and sat down on the grass next to her. The meadow we were in was a small place on the top of a very large hill overlooking the entire town. From up here you could see everything; our house, Mr. Barns' coffee shop and the small elementary school. Everything looked so small and insignificant from up here. It put the whole world in perspective.
The bright green grass of the summer's day was long and tickled the backs of my ankles. My yellow flip flops had slipped off of my feet, leaving them bare and pale against the warm sun.
“Well, why are you so strange then?” Kailee said as she put her arm over her eyes to keep the sun out. I could tell she was smiling even though her tone was a bored one. The green summer grass flowed and rippled in the warm breeze like lush green waves.
“I don't know. Maybe I'm the only one who's right.”
“Quite a little optimist you are.”
“No, I'm just stubborn,” I winked.
Kailee sat up and sighed. “Okay. Time to go, Stubborn One. Mom and Dad are waiting. We have go to to Grandma's today, remember?”
I wanted to stay here forever, just looking up at the peaceful blue sky, but I knew that I had to go. Quietly slipping my flip flops back on, I followed Kailee as she trudged through an opening in the trees that led to a path. Taking one more look at the empty meadow, I frowned. An eerie feeling of loneliness took over as the sky suddenly got darker with thick gray clouds. Turning back, I followed my sister through the woods and down the path that eventually opened up to our small backyard.
“Ma! We're back,” Kailee shouted and our mother appeared from behind a counter.
“Ah! There you are. You ready? We want to make it before it starts to rain,” she stated. She was a very nice lady and widely accepted in our small town. She never yelled and was very understanding. Her brown hair was almost always tied in a loose bun at the back of her head and the subtle crows feet upon her face, at the corner of her eyes, showed that she laughed frequently.
“Your father is getting the car ready so we should head out. Do you have everything you need for the weekend?”
We nodded and grabbed our light jackets before following her out to the car. Dad was already waiting patiently in the drivers seat when we opened the doors and got in.
“'Bout time,” he sighed as we all buckled our seat belts and he started the car. My father was also very nice and adored by the town. With his crows feet and laugh lines, he also looked as if laughing was just as easy as breathing.
The car started up with ease and slowly backed out of the driveway. The clouds ahead were blocking the view of light and not even a hint of the sun's rays could be seen. Fog slowly crept out of nowhere onto the small-town road, twisting and weaving it's gray body all around, further obscuring the view of the road.
A half an hour into the drive and the fog was still heavily surrounding everything. The road was fairly empty. Only the dim, blurred brightness of the occasional headlights gave notice to the cars as they crept on by. We ignored the dullness of the weather and joked around, trying to lighten up our moods as the fog and gray clouds darkened the afternoon, and turned what used to be a warm and cheerful day into a dark and dreary night.
As sudden and powerful as a raincloud passing in front of the sun, my whole life turned upside down. The road we were on was steep and dangerous in the darkness. The fog had obscured anything past the front of the car and we had only the hill on our right to guide us. Another pair of headlights slowly illuminated themselves through the blurred grayness. Their fuzzy yellow glow coming towards us in a lane they didn't belong.
I didn't understand. They were too close, weren't they? Shouldn't they be red, or at least farther over? My mother's shrill scream brought be back to reality and woke my sister in the seat next to me. I looked from my sister to the lights that were moving closer to us, like a childish game of chicken. Only this was no childish game. And someone was going to have to move. The car coming at us was a large truck and the driver behind the wheel seemed to be foolishly sleeping. My father was panicked as well as my mother, who hadn't stopped screaming since the headlights appeared, seconds before.
The sudden jolt of the wheel and the slickness of the road made our small car slide quickly to the left. Even after my father let go of the wheel, the car wouldn't stop sliding and we suddenly hit the bars on the side of the road with unbelievable force. The car toppled over the edge of the road and the screams of my family members drowned out as the panic overwhelmed me and silenced the world. I was aware that I was also screaming and my throat hurt dimly in the background. The sharp sound of glass breaking blended into the background as well as the sharp pains in my arms and legs as the glass sliced through my yellow dress. All four sides of the car were closing in on me as the metal was forced inward due to the impact with the ground. The car flipped over again and my head smashed against a sharp shard of glass, sticking up from the destroyed window pane.
I could feel the wetness of blood soaking my dress and dampening my hair. I could no longer scream. My energy was weakening, as well as my consciousness. I was so hung up on my own pain that I hadn't noticed that my family had stopped screaming. The car tumbled once more and then came to a halt, taking it's time to settle in one place.
Through the my dizziness, I slowly opened my eyes and put my surroundings together. I had to blink a couple of times because my eyes refused to work and kept blurring everything around me. I could only see the smudges of dark red and smell the thick sent of iron and salt.
Suddenly my eyes opened and I was fully alert. “No,” I whispered to myself. I looked down at my bloody body. I was laying on my side, for the car had rested that way. My cute yellow sun dress was sliced in several different places and blood stained. I realized, then, that the car was still, the heaviness of the silence taking over everything. No screams. No... nothing.
“Mom?” I croaked in a sore whisper that broke the heaviness of the silence and seemed to fill the air. “Dad?” I realized that my whispers came out more like whines and sobs as the silence continued. “Kailee? Someone, please. Please answer me!”
The tears that filled my eyes, I refused to shed. I felt that if I succumbed to the pain, that this would all feel more real. And I wouldn't accept that. Squeezing my eyes tightly closed, I wished this all away. Maybe it was just one big nightmare that I would wake up from at any second. But I knew that was wrong and I would never wake up from this terrifying reality. I silently, and slowly, opened my eyes. My head pounded and I felt numb yet at the same time I could feel the ache of my arms and the dull dizzying ache inside my skull. With all of the courage I could muster, I turned to look at the person in the seat next to me. If I hadn't been here the whole time I would not have known who I was looking at.
She was slumped over, leaning sideways with the car. Her long hair was soaked with dark crimson stains, tainting the light, softness. The face was also unrecognizable, no longer clean and smiling. A deep shard of glass had taken it's place in the passenger's chest, a gruesome, thick trail of blood soaking into their t-shirt. The sight was enough to make even the toughest of men vomit. The worst part of it though, the absolute worst, was that her eyes, no longer full of life and color, were wide open; frozen in terror, a permanent scream resting upon her face.
My head snapped back and I stared at the disheveled seat in front of me. I payed no attention to the body next to me and concentrated on prying myself out of the seat. My legs had gotten trapped between the seats and I couldn't move them. My knees were scraped and bleeding as well as most of my body. Though freeing my legs resulted in the removal of more skin, I was glad to be able to move. I squeezed my eyes shut one last time, took a deep breath, and opened them again. With bravery and effort I managed to climb out of the car. Carefully crawling over the body of my stained and forever-sleeping older sister, who would never be able to crawl out after me.
The cold grass felt good against my bare legs. The wind whipped around my dirty face and the sky had grown thicker with clouds. I hadn't realized how long we had been resting in this spot, but it must have been a fairly long time, as the night had taken over and the blackness hid the wreck from view of passersby. The cool, wet, and almost calming rain washed away some of the blood and grime that was crusted onto my skin. I no longer had the energy to keep myself awake and with the rain and cold night as my only comfort, I finally succumbed to sleep.
Or so I had thought.
Once my eye lids shut, the blackness I wanted so desperately to fall into melted into pure white. I squinted against the harsh new light and looked around. I couldn't see anything. No walls. No floor. But I knew there was solid ground beneath me. I turned around once more and found myself in front of a large door. The sudden appearance of the door had frightened me. It hadn't been there before, yet here it stood now, right before my very eyes.
The door stood tall and almost noble looking. It was wooden and framed in white. Gold glistened in swirls of beauty throughout the pearl whiteness of the frame. I looked behind me. Everything was just as blank as it had been before the mysterious door appeared and it was as if I had almost forgotten the car crash.
While I was turned, my back to the door, it opened. The force behind the door was like a vacuum. The wind rushed around me and swept me off my feet. It carried me through the door and the blackness behind it. Different scents filled the air as I fell. The scents of wood and trees. Again, I could hear myself screaming but I wasn't paying attention and it was as if it wasn't actually me who was screaming. The ground suddenly stopped my screaming and brought my falling to a halt. Finally.
Finally I could be surrounded by the blackness of sleep.
End of chapter
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hi! I'm back again to review your first chapter! I hope you'll find this review helpful. :)
This is a mouthful. Try to find some way to shorten it. Perhaps something like: "We sat in a meadow placed on top of a large hill that overlooked the entire town." I know that was a poor example, but it's much easier to read when it's shorter. Although, making the sentence shorter doesn't mean you have to make it boring (like I just did). :]First off, the typos:
You use small three times here. Consider removing a few or changing them to different words.
This would sound better if you switched bare and pale around so that it said: "leaving them pale and bare against the warm sun." Otherwise, it'd sound like you were saying that the MC's feet were pale in contrast to the sun.
Is your MC saying that she can't see her sister smiling? This doesn't make much sense to me. Perhaps saying, "I could tell she was smiling without looking even though her tone was a bored one," would be better.
Okay, so you keep bringing up the green summer grass as if it's a major part of your story. I mean, you have lovely descriptions and all, but I'd like to hear about something else. "The small brown finch perched on a tree branch nearby, ready to take flight at any moment." Or "the breeze flowing through the trees, whispering only words I can understand," for examples. :]
I see what you meant to do here, but you accidentally made it look like a tag to your last dialogue. It'd fit if you said: "I said, winking at her." Otherwise, it just sounds odd.
I always do this lol. :)
I'm not sure what you meant to type here. Maybe, "from behind a corner," or "from behind our counter." Simply saying " a counter" sounds odd, since it is their house (correct?).
I'm a bit confused by this. If they're staying at their grandparents' house for the weekend, then you need to either include their mom saying that their father already loaded the car or mention something about them loading their suitcases/bags into the car. The way it is right now sounds as if they're leaving their stuff behind since their mom had to ask if they have everything. Maybe it's just me that feels this way.
Should be "scent".
Now, my overall review:
Alright, so I really like where you're going with this story. You have a nice set up here with a lovable MC and what seems to be a great plot! You described the car crash very well and made me feel apart of it; like I was sitting right where the MC sat and experienced everything she experienced. You also had a great amount of details which balanced out well with the amount of dialogue you put in. All in all, a lovely first chapter. The only thing I really want to point out was the lack of information we got on the characters. I can see where you tried to get us to care about the mom and the dad by saying that they are lovely and nice people, but we didn't really see them being nice and lovable.
This is because, it feels like you rushed it a bit. If you just added in a scene of the whole family joking around in the car to lighten the mood that the dreary weather brought on (which is what you tell us), then you'll earn some love for your characters which will also bring on more sympathy when most of them die. I mean, the way you described your MC's sister staring with a permanent look of fear on her face will get you sympathy from most people, but I don't really feel sorry for that character. Sure, Kailee died in an awful way, but I don't feel like I know her enough to really feel sorry for her. Your MC tells us that she's a nice person, but what has she really done to show us that she is? So, I don't feel sorry for Kailee, (even though she's the one that died) I feel sorry more for your MC, who I feel that I know better, although only slightly.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you should show (not tell) us things about your characters to make us love them. Overall, I really like this story! I hope you keep writing it because I can't wait to read more! I hope this review helped!
Rachael :D
Hey Micki! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here’s a quick review for entering!
Nitpicks:
This sentence would be more effective without both “and” and “or”. It sounds awkward with both in there, and I would stick with or, though and would work just as well.
This chapter is a good first chapter hook-wise. It’s shocking, what with the car crash and the deaths of her family members and then intriguing with the whole door scene at the very end. That’s an important role that a first chapter ought to fill, so good job!
A few things throughout the chapter could have used a bit of clarification, though. For one, the conversation that Kailee and your MC have in the beginning doesn’t make much sense. What prompted Kailee to say “Not everything is fun and games, you know”? I saw that there was a prologue, and after scanning it I still don’t quite understand this conversation. I also noticed that the events of the prologue seem to come directly before the events of the first chapter. A prologue, typically, takes place significantly before the events of the first chapter or serves as a place to give over information about the story that is necessary for the first chapter. It seems like the prologue and first chapter of this story could be combined as one chapter and work just as well.
The only other thing I’d like to comment on is the whole car crash scene. You actually did a fairly good job keeping it realistic and not outrageous, which is something people tend to do. I’m glad the MC didn’t emerge completely unscathed while the rest of her family is dead, her having her fair share of injuries is excellent. Although, I wonder why no one has found them if they have apparently been there for some time. I’m assuming the truck they hit didn’t go off the road (as it wasn’t said that it did) so some passing car would have likely seen it and reported it. That, and the driver of the truck didn’t seem likely to have been killed (going with the same premise that it didn’t go off the road) so he/she would have reported it. In a nutshell, it just seems like they wouldn’t have been there for a very long time without help arriving, so maybe rethink the time that has passed between going off the road and her regaining consciousness in the car.
Overall, good job! You have the most important part, hooking the reader, going well for you. With some work this chapter will be excellent. Thanks again for entering!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Hi Mick! Here to review Chapter 1!!!!
A little to telling for my taste. Maybe try: She smiled, and said, "Ms. Wilks called. They have baby kittens in their field.Okay, that was a really rotten example, but... oh, I'll just keep reviewing.
I know your trying to say what the act like, look like smell like etc. in the first chapter, but you need to slow down and show not tell. SHOW.
Well, you gave me goosebumps, the crash, the before the aftermath, it was all so real. The telling you had in the beginning was made up for. Everything was perfect. Except for her emotions. I didn't feel them as much as I wanted to. I wanted to know what it felt like, not just what it looked like. You showed us a bit, but not enough. So work on that.
But anyway, awesome chapter.
~Drama
Wow, I have to say I loved the middle part of this chapter. It was very emotional to me and I had a very strong reaction to it. For the most part, it was incredibly realistic and it feels as though you might’ve had to actual live through it in order to write it so well.
The beginning and end parts, to me, were slightly less effective. It doesn’t seem necessary to describe the mom and dad so well if they were only going to die a few paragraphs later. Also, the ‘dying’ part at the end felt rushed, and I’d like it if you would describe it a little more. Since dying is such a huge thing, you know?
Well, everything else I had to say was pretty much praise so I’ll just end the review now, and any other questions you have just let me know and I’ll be glad to answer anything!
Onto part 3!
Mmm, still intrigued.
This has a lot of the same atmosphere as the last chapter and again the character interaction was wonderful. With more prose around the dialogue, they were easy to identify and I found myself at least inclined to like these characters. They weren't around all that much to really let me get close to them, but at least I was favorably inclined.
The car crash felt weird though. I wasn't all that emotionally invested in it. Part of it was how short a time I'd known the characters (I didn't really have enough time to get actually attached, so I didn't really care when they were gone) and part of it was the prose. One good tip for action sequences is to shake up the sentence structure, varying between lengths with a lot of short'n'choppy sentences and a sprinkling of longer sentences. It makes the eye flow along more quickly and gets that sort of breathless feeling. Here, it is mostly really long, compound sentences that just sort of drag when it comes to describing the car crash. Get to the punch.
There's also a lot of passive wording in the sentences. Instead of "I was trapped by the seat", try "the seat pinned me down". Make it active and to the point and it will feel much more traumatic. Here's a nice little rundown of active versus passive for reference.
All in all, I'm still interested, but this wasn't quite as intriguing as the first bit, at least not until the end. It didn't really catch my eye as fantasy and I hadn't quite had enough time to get attached to the characters in order to feel really upset that they were now dead. However, the end itself was rather cliff-hangy, so onward I go!
~GryphonFledgling
Wow. This was really good. I like how the storyline isn't... boring, or common. I mean, sure there's a lot of car crashes, but not every crash leads you to an alternate world. Someone else said this, but I really agree that you transferred from realistic (the beginning and the car crash) to fantasy (the random magical door) very well. I loved your descriptions, and I liked that the door was surrounded by white; I thought that really fit and made for some nice imagery.
Whenever I write, I have the problem of using too many adjectives. I think you do this occasionally, but I think it's just a little thing to work on. When the sentences are long-winded they can get confusing. I feel like a hypocrite saying this, but I guess I know a lot about it, since many people have given me advice about it :3 Also, perhaps some sentences could show instead of tell, but that might just be me. I don't know.
So, sorry I'm not a great reviewer, but I did think this was a great start, and I can't wait to read the rest!
Have fun writing,
-Dai
The very in this sentence doesn't need to be there.
The comma after everything should be a colon.
To keep the story in past tense, puts needs to be put.
Summers should be summer.
Use another word besides gotten. Got is one of those words you shouldn't use often, if at all. There should also be a comma after down.
Grandma's should be capitalized.
Very is another word that shouldn't be used often.
There should be a comma after head.
It's should be its.
There should be a comma after drive.
Did the cars swiftly pass or crept by?
The word suddenly isn't needed.
There should be a comma after screaming.
This sentence needs to be rewritten.
Sent should be scent.
Though this chapter is good, the ending is a little bland. Considering how sad and terrifying it would had been, there doesn't seem to be a lot of emotion. All you do is tell what is happening around, but how does she feel? What are her thoughts? Though description is good, in something as dramatic as this, the reader needs to know what the character is feeling too.
In addition, the girl seems to forget her family quickly. If her whole family had just died, she would been in a lot of shock. Not even a magical door should make her forget that her family died less than twenty-four hours before.
I still think this chapter is good, but it does need improvements.
HEEEY, God this chapter is so good, it's like chocolate ice cream with warm cake, hehe yeah, i have no idea what I'm talking about either! Anyway, I love the great amount of detail and imagery you gave in this one, it's almost as if i can see the crash from the narrators point of view! It's really good though i did notice a few mistakes here and there, nothing big, just these:
Pretty sure that should be STOPPED. not really important and an easy mistake to make
I really like the story, though i wouldn't want to look inside the mind of the writer, no offense but it seems like a scary place
Keep up the good work!
--Destiny--
OH NOES.
*flails*
First of all, I liked this chapter sooooo much better. It was like, "OH NO. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" Which is a good thing to feel in a review, you know? I think I would actually prefer it if you got rid of the prologue and just kept this instead, because it's several degrees of awesome. And! You didn't have the talking heads problem (and yes, it was a problem) so good for you! I feel kind of bad lecturing you on it, but hey! Whatever, right?
Anyway, I really liked certain parts. For one, I really liked the circular theme... you start off in the grass and end at the grass. I really liked that! And I also like how you described the sisters' relationships with each other. It makes me a bit sad that the older sister is dead though.
I have to wonder... if through her death (it seems like she's dead?) she's able to go to this magical land, then why can't her family go too? Or maybe in this dimension, her family has to be dead? It's interesting.
I want to find out more about this magical world! Next chapter, right?
*zooms ahead!*
Hey Mick.
I won't say too much about the piece. Although I think you did a fair job describing what happens in the story, as well as having some sort of conflict in the piece, I got bored of this piece about half way through it. I'll tell you why.
It took a while for anything that resembles fantasy to actually pop up. When I'm reading anything fantasy, I expect fantasy intrigue to pop up ASAP, not over half way through a story. Take the exposition of the first book in the Harry Potter series as an example. JK Rowling did a good job of immediately contrasting every day life with events that are out of the ordinary or supernatural (eg: people dressed in wizarding robes roaming the streets, random appearance of shooting stars, owls flying about etc) to give the audience some fantasy intrigue.
With yours, you don't do that nearly as well. Your main characters and the situation you established do not hold my interest. I fail to see any reason that I should care about them. To me, you just took the generic idea of a happy, normal family and just slammed it into your story. And because you do not spend enough time focusing on the details of the family, when something bad does happen to them, I am unable to sympathize with them. In Harry Potter however, JK took time to show more of the setting that they live in, info on the Dudley's lives, what their habits are etc etc.
When the fantasy elements do come in, I'm left rather disappointed. Some random fog comes out of nowhere, causing the car to go off the road and thus putting the family in danger? The point I'm making is that your fantasy elements are so vague and so non threatening that it's like almost pointless to include them in the novel. There's like no further information on why the weather suddenly changed, no signs that this fog is actually a threat (eg: Wouldn't the family get suspicious/worried that the weather suddenly changed like that?), no other details at all! And if your fantasy elements lack presence in your story, then why should your story even be considered a fantasy in the first place?
Andy.
Micki dear! I'm here to review your story in return for reviewing my story. ;P (I love ya!)
Awesome job, all together. Love you!
Okay! I'm here for the next chapter! ^__^
Okay so your narration is a bit odd.
Let's take this sentence for example:
D:
You could reword this to "The meadow we sat in was a small place on top a large hill that overlooked the town."
You put in a lot of adjectives so it kind of made me cringe. xD
Here's a tip for ya! Good descriptions, that read easily, are short and precise. Try thinking of ways you can reword longer descriptions into shorter ones so they still get the same feeling across but with shorter words. xD
This, my dear, does not work!
See, here you have a quote and something is being said but the way it's being said is not a way of saying something but a way of doing something! I cannot wink hello! But I can say hello! See?
There shouldn't be an explanation mark there if he sighed! xD
----
Okay, overall I must say that this is a great first chapter. I can already feel some excitement after reading this and it really makes me want to read more.
I actually really enjoyed the car accident scene. You did it quite well and I could picture it all going down in my head. I hate to say a car accident is nicely done but you know, it was good. I remember in your prologue you didn't have much descriptions and now I'm wondering why. Why didn't you put all of that in there and make your prologue more shinny and stuff? It felt so flat compared to this and it didn't make me want to read it. If you add some more depth to your prologue like you did to this one, I'm sure you could capture the reader's attention with it. However after reading this, I don't really see the point of having a prologue in the first place, you know? I mean, it didn't do much and you don't really need it because the main point you put through with your prologue is answered in this chapter so there's no need for it.
I did have one questions though. After the car accident why was it night time already and why hadn't they been found? Normally, accidents don't really go unheard of unless it's like...in the middle of nowhere or something. So, yeah. I was bit confused as to the fact that NO ONE reported it to the police or called the ambulance or anything.
Anyway, this was a great chapter and as I mentioned, I did enjoy reading it.
Good job and keep writing. Let me know if you have any questions or anything.
-Pink
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the imagery. I can't wait until you write some more.
Hey, Micki-More.
So, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. You know I love all of your writing. I do have a few suggestions, though.
One thing I'd like you to clarify more is who's talking. It gets a bit confusing at times.
You know that I'm not trying to pick on you. I adore your writing, y'know that?
Love ya.
Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!
Okay, so this is a great first chapter! You've captured the horrific event of a car crash, and blended in the upcoming fantasy in a seamless way. I already feel for this girl and I'm looking forward to seeing what this odd door has to do with her.
One thing I'd like to know is the age, or thereabouts of the narrator; I get the impression from your description of her outfit and the conversation between her sister and herself that she's a young girl, maybe 10? But the way she narrates it makes her sound like she's much older, about 16. Just a minor issue. Also, I don't know her name, and I usually like to know that so I know what to call the character who's narrating.
I know I saw a few little nitpicks concerning missing words and such, but they were pretty small and I can't seem to find them now, so I'm just going to leave it and suggest you keep an eye out for any odd-sounding sentences that may be missing a word or such when you go back over this.
All right! That's all I have to critique; this was an excellent chapter, very well-written, and I look forward to reading more! Please let me know when you post the next chapter. Cheers! (: