Mirror: Chapter Three

I flippin love you for editing ^_^

For year and years I had whole heatedly believed that somehow, somewhere, there was life in a completely unknown place.

I think I passed over this the first time through... do you mean wholeheartedly?

Whether it's used for military uses or medical uses is up to the alchemist, no commahimself, or the kingdom of which he is from.

Also, the only part I recognized from FMA was the explanation of alchemy, I totally missed the connection with the door, but I do see it after you pointed it out.

You've made it much much much better, I read the whole thing again and it feels very smooth to me.
Along the course of the story, I would keep adding ways that makes YOUR version of Alchemy unique from the FMA everyone is familiar with. Maybe just find a few things you can change, like maybe there are only certain types of people that can do it, or maybe it physically drains you when you use it, or maybe there is even a special sickness that develops from using too much of it... these are all just random ideas but you get my point.

Hope this helped!

“What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing! She was hurt, I was only trying to help!”

“Well you shouldn't be away from the ca-”

“Shh! She's sleeping!”

“Cal, put her back where you got her and come back home!”

“Soph, she's not some dog. I didn't pick her up from a box on the side of the road!”

“I don't care how you picked her up, she has to go!”

“Soph, I don't care what you say. I'm not going back to that place, and I'm going to help her get back
to wherever she came from.”

Two voices bickered back and forth in cold, hushed whispers. Their muffled voices suddenly becoming
apparent in the background as I slowly regained consciousness. I shifted on the couch and their voices stopped briefly. I could only imagine them looking over at me to make sure I was asleep before returning to their conversation.

“Is she awake?” the feminine of the two voices asked.

“No. She's a restless sleeper,” the other voice, Callum, replied. I pictured the boy from the darkness of the woods, his slim figure reaching out a slender hand to help me.

“Listen. I know you. I know you don't want to go back there but there's going to be a ball next month in the Lord's castle. Your mother wants you to be there. This is important to her, and you can't blow her off.”

“I know,” Callum replied. “I'll be there, okay Soph why does he keep repeating her name? How often do you say your friend‘s when you‘re talking to them? I don‘t think I even use it once a day. ? But tell Mother that I won't be coming back permanently.” The girl he called Soph sighed and whispered something to him that I couldn't hear. She walked brusquely away from him, briefly hesitating beside the couch before stomping away through the door of the cottage. Unless Shyla had her eyes open, she couldn’t possibly see any of this happening. I imaged she kept her eyes closed to make it look like she was sleeping.

Callum sat down in the loveseat across from the couch with a huff. He seemed irritated and frustrated but I wasn't sure why again, was she watching him?. I was also somewhat surprised that he didn't live here, in this cottage. It seems, from what I gathered from the previous conversation, like he runs away from his house frequently and comes here. I wondered why for a moment before I noticed the sound of Callum moving around the kitchen how did she know where the kitchen was? When she arrived, she was barely half conscious, and she hasn‘t opened her eyes once since waking up. This is not making any sense to me. . This was probably a good time to make it known that I was awake so I exaggeratedly stretched and groaned as my joints cracked.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. And blinked a few times until my vision cleared and I could see properly again. Callum turned around and looked at me.

“You finally awake?” he asked me.

“Uh... yeah,” I stated shyly. I didn't exactly know what to say in a situation like this. In fact, I wasn't even sure if I was still alive, for that matter! I could very well be dead or in a coma or maybe I was just delusional and none of this was even happening! My heart raced as I thought of all the possibilities. Was I even sane? I'd dreamed about the strangest scenarios over and over again, ever since I was a small child. And yet, after thinking of all the possibilities, I realized then that it was just childish babbling, and I had never actually expected anything to come of it.

For year and years I had whole heatedly believed that somehow, somewhere, there was life in a completely unknown place. A dimension of secrecy or a world of mystery that no one had ever thought possible. And yet here, now, in this place of my dreams, I realized for the first time that I was puzzled, as well as completely ecstatic.

“Uhm... Shyla?” Callum asked, interrupting my thoughts. “Are you okay?”

“Wha-,” I paused, “What is going on? Where am I?” My voice had become almost a whisper and my thoughts started to jumble together in a mass of confusion.

“Uh... I don't know... You were injured, so I healed you.” He said it so easily, like healing a thick gouge in someones head was completely normal. And I mean, he didn't even blink!

“But you.... But I... But...” I blinked and tried to make sense off the thoughts swimming frantically around in my head. “How did you heal my head?” I decided to ask. My voice came out quiet and not confident; unsure of what I was asking.

“What do you mean? I used alchemy, of course.”

“.... Excuse me?”

“Alchemy,” he stated again.

“Alchemy?”

Callum looked at me questioningly. "Did that injury damage your brain, or something?"

I glared at him. "I'm perfectly.... somewhat... sort of... fine!" I protested.

“The science of alchemy is simple, really. It's the study of changing one thing into another. Whether it's used for military uses or medical uses is up to the alchemist, himself.” He paused briefly and waited for me to say something, but continued when he noticed my still-puzzled expression. dictionary definition

“To change one thing into another, the object must be of equal value, turning sand into bread, for example, or water into wine. Healing or repairing is different, though, as you are not changing the object itself. Instead you are mending it, connecting the atoms and linking the object back to its original form. With your wound, all I had to do was repair the connection both sides of the gash once shared. sounds a lot like Full Metal Alchemist to me.

“It's simple; something that everyone learns of eventually. But whether or not you are able to use alchemy effectively, no comma is another thing. Everyone has the potential to learn, but only those skilled in the science can actually effectively use it. It takes years of practice and study to accomplish. And of those few, even less can actually use it effectively enough to be accepted as a Official.”

“Official?” I asked.

Callum stared at me, as if baffled with my confusion but her rolled his eyes and, slowly, he started again. “An Official is an alchemist who was skilled enough to become a worker for the kingdom. In all, there are four kingdoms; Antibellum, Hibelle, Panteleissia, and D'Neithya. Hibelle and Panteleissia specialize in medicine, while Antibellum and D'Neithya specialize in military forces."

He looked over at me once more, after finishing his speech. I blinked a few times and he cocked his head.

“Are you really telling me that this is the first time you've ever heard this?”

I nodded.

“If you don't mind telling me... where are you from?”

I opened my mouth to reply, to explain to him how I got here and what had happened before he found me in the woods. I sat there for a few seconds, no words ever leaving my lips; my mouth hanging wide open. Slowly and silently, I closed my mouth again and looked at the floor.

“I,” I started, hesitantly, “I don't.... I don't know,” I whispered. I looked down at my lap and the darkened and stained yellow dress that barely reached my knees. Fiddling nervously with the torn fibers, I tried to think back to the day before. To think, as hard as I possibly could, about what had happened.

But no matter how hard I tried, nothing came to mind. No. That wasn't true. Vaguely I remembered a door that brought me to this place, as well as feelings I held strongly to about my past. I remembered dreaming of ridiculous stories and excitedly sharing my thoughts to the trees and the wind. The wind that whispered sweet nothings to me while I thought of powers and magic. Of worlds that could never be possible.

But they were possible.

I knew that then, and, somehow, I knew it before. But nothing... nothing of where I was before this incident, or who I was associated with came to my mind. Everything important from my past life was gone from my memory. No happy times, no sadness, absolutely nothing. It was as if a void had been formed the moment I stepped from that door. A void that, once I walked farther and father away from that elegant door, became wider and swallowed up my memory and my life before I knew it.

Had it all went away as I slept peacefully? Or had it gradually disappeared as my distance from the door increased? Whatever the case, I only had vague remnants of my thoughts and actions. Nothing more.

“Please,” I begged. “Please help me.”

Callum halted his pacing and kneeled down beside me. “I promise. I promise that I will help you find your way home.” His voice was soft, soothing, but also rough and determined at the same time. And somehow...

I believed him.

Hm, I guess her memory loss explains why she wasn’t thinking about her parents in the previous chapter.

The whole alchemy business sounds an awful lot like Full Metal, with the Officials being the equivalent of the State Alchemists. The separation of the four districts is something new, and I’m interested by that.

I feel disappointed that she lost her memory… It makes reading the prologue and chapter one feel pointless, because it’s like Shyla never experienced it. I doubt she’ll regain her memory anytime soon, either. To me, the trauma of the car accident would’ve really added to her character and brought in lots of emotion, but you can’t use that anymore. Now she’s just some girl in a yellow dress.

Again, I have to say I liked the beginning better. If you really wanted to make this into a good fantasy story, you’re going to have to use some more vivid descriptions and be more creative. But it’s still way too early to tell where you’re planning to take this, so I’ll read on. Whenever you post more, let me know and I’ll review it for you, okay?

Any questions I’ll be happy to answer, as always!!
See you next time!

Their muffled voices suddenly becoming apparent in the background as I slowly regained consciousness.

Becoming should be became to stay in the same verb tense.

I know you don't want to go back there but there's going to be a ball next month in the Lord's castle.

There should be a comma after there.

She walked brusquely away from him, briefly hesitating beside the couch before stomping away through the door of the cottage.

This part is unrealistic. How does she know where Soph is exactly when her eyes are closed?

Callum sat down in the loveseat across from the couch with a huff. He seemed irritated and frustrated but I wasn't sure why. I was also somewhat surprised that he didn't live here, in this cottage. It seems, from what I gathered from the previous conversation, like he runs away from his house frequently and comes here.

Instead of explaining the conversation, you may want to just add more to the beginning.

I wondered why for a moment before I noticed the sound of Callum moving around the kitchen.

Though this is just a suggestion, you may want to have this sentence say heard the sound instead of notice the sound.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. And blinked a few times until my vision cleared and I could see properly again.

The two sentences should probably be combined, with a comma after eyes.

I could very well be dead or in a coma or maybe I was just delusional and none of this was even happening!

There should be commas after dead and coma.

For year and years I had whole heatedly believed that somehow, somewhere, there was life in a completely unknown place.

Whole heatedly is spelled wholeheartedly.

A dimension of secrecy or a world of mystery that no one had ever thought possible.

There should be a comma after secrecy.

“Wha-,” I paused, “What is going on? Where am I?”

The comma after paused should be a period.

My voice had become almost a whisper and my thoughts started to jumble together in a mass of confusion.

There should be a comma after whisper.

He said it so easily, like healing a thick gouge in someones head was completely normal.

Someones should be spelled someone's.

I blinked and tried to make sense off the thoughts swimming frantically around in my head.

Off should be of.

My voice came out quiet and not confident; unsure of what I was asking.

The semicolon should be a comma.

“The science of alchemy is simple, really. It's the study of changing one thing into another. Whether it's used for military uses or medical uses is up to the alchemist, himself.” He paused briefly and waited for me to say something, but continued when he noticed my still-puzzled expression.

“To change one thing into another, the object must be of equal value, turning sand into bread, for example, or water into wine. Healing or repairing is different, though, as you are not changing the object itself. Instead you are mending it, connecting the atoms and linking the object back to its original form. With your wound, all I had to do was repair the connection both sides of the gash once shared.

“It's simple; something that everyone learns of eventually. But whether or not you are able to use alchemy effectively, is another thing. Everyone has the potential to learn, but only those skilled in the science can actually effectively use it. It takes years of practice and study to accomplish. And of those few, even less can actually use it effectively enough to be accepted as a Official.”

“Official?” I asked.

Callum stared at me, as if baffled with my confusion but her rolled his eyes and, slowly, he started again. “An Official is an alchemist who was skilled enough to become a worker for the kingdom. In all, there are four kingdoms; Antibellum, Hibelle, Panteleissia, and D'Neithya. Hibelle and Panteleissia specialize in medicine, while Antibellum and D'Neithya specialize in military forces."

This is called an info-dump. Most info-dumps don't sound realistic, and this one is no exception. It sounds like a textbook answer, instead of the way a person would actually explain alchemy. Most people would give a one or two sentence explanation, not one that is four paragraphs long.

Only have Callum explain the parts of alchemy that is related to him healing his head. There is no reason to have Callum talk about or explain what an Official is. Instead of him saying it is how something is changed, just have him explain how something is healed. Even then, a short answer is better, even if it doesn't have the detail you may want.

“If you don't mind telling me... where are you from?”

Instead of using an ellipsis, use a comma.

A void that, once I walked farther and father away from that elegant door, became wider and swallowed up my memory and my life before I knew it.

There should be a comma after memory.


Other than the problem with the info-dump, there aren't any major problems. You have obviously developed your characters since the first chapter and their emotions are more realistic. Good job.

Hooookay...

Quite a bit of info-dumping here. I mean, it's like through the whole first half of the chapter, Shyla seems to have forgotten that she was hurt, her family is dead, and that she is in a stranger's house. Instead, she seems to just be fixated on the conversation and trying to figure out what it means. While this perhaps makes a bit of sense, seeing as how she doesn't know anything and knowledge is power, she seems a bit too fixated on trying to figure out Callum's life story than she is trying to figure out just what his motivations in helping her might be. Have her worry just a bit more about herself?

Callum looked at me questioningly. “The science of alchemy is simple, really. It's the study of changing one thing into another. Whether it's used for military uses or medical uses is up to the alchemist, himself.” He paused briefly and waited for me to say something, but continued when he noticed my still-puzzled expression.

“To change one thing into another, the object must be of equal value, turning sand into bread, for example, or water into wine. Healing or repairing is different, though, as you are not changing the object itself. Instead you are mending it, connecting the atoms and linking the object back to its original form. With your wound, all I had to do was repair the connection both sides of the gash once shared.

“It's simple, really; something that everyone learns of eventually. But whether or not you are able to use alchemy effectively, is another thing. Everyone has the potential to learn, but only those skilled in the science can actually effectively use it. It takes years of practice and study to accomplish. And of those few, even less can actually use it effectively enough to be accepted as a Official.”

“Official?” I asked.

Callum stared at me, as if baffled with my confusion. Slowly, he started again. “An Official is an alchemist who was skilled enough to become a worker for the kingdom. In all, there are four kingdoms; Antibellum, Hibelle, Panteleissia, and D'Neithya. Hibelle and Panteleissia specialize in medicine, while Antibellum and D'Neithya specialize in military forces.

“The four kingdoms are impartial. Though alliances are obviously formed, basically, if the kingdoms keep to themselves, there are no problems. Occasionally, though, a ball is held in a designated kingdom. Nobles from each kingdom are invited to the party and it's one night of the year where you are free to converse with whomever you choose, from whichever kingdom.”

Wagh! *flail* So. much. information!

Okay, Callum has no way of knowing that she wouldn't know any of this. In fact, he seems pretty shocked that she's never heard of something so basic to him. If anything, his first reaction to her not knowing what alchemy was is to wonder if there is something wrong with her, rather than going off into an explanation. For example, if she were to wake up and ask how the light was staying on and he said "electricity" and she was looking confused, he'd wonder how she didn't know about electricity and ask, rather than going into a lecture on how electricity is produced in a power plant, routed directly to the house via a network of wires and turned on and off with a switch on the wall. If anything, it should be more of a sign of brain damage to him than a lack of knowledge.

I mean, yes, it's giving you an excuse to explain things to us, the reader, but info-dumping is not fun or pretty to read. Sure, the information immediately lets us know that we aren't in Kansas anymore, but it's kind of lazy. Rather than having to go through any sort of breaking-in period for this information, it's just sort of there. None of it is all that important yet either. We haven't run into anything where this info would help. Right now, Shyla's just concerned with getting home.

It's okay to hold off on this stuff for a while. We don't need to know it until it's actually important. And then, when it is important, give it to us a little at a time. Huge blocks of information get skimmed really quickly and then forgotten.

Mmmm, so the fantasy elements finally arrive. These developments are interesting, but I still want to know about Shyla's reaction to her family. They seemed very close and yet past the car crash, there doesn't seem to be a lot of thought about them. I mean, Shyla's not sure if she's dead. Isn't she wondering about her family? Mourning them? A bit of angsting wouldn't be out of place here. Why is it that she's forgetting everything? It just seems like a convenient way to avoid having to deal with the baggage that comes with your entire family dying. Is there a reason for this?

As always, PM if you have any questions! Good luck!

~GryphonFledgling