Capture intel and eliminate all hostiles!” sounded in the U.S. Marines headsets.
“Affirmative,” said the commander.
He took off at a run, armed with a Scar-L assault rifle, M1911 pistol, and two frag grenades. Five marines followed. The headset speaker continued talking, and each marine listened to the details given.
“The terrain is desert with the intel located at a Mexican oasis town one quarter mile from your current position. The buildings are rundown and easily destructible. Drones report resistance to be equal to your own number armed with AK’s and RPG’s. This town will afford one excellent sniping position: a hotel four stories high, located near the backend of town. Beware of sniper fire and RPG’s from that position. The intel package is believed to be in a bar near the center of the town. It will likely be guarded with extra men.”
“Roger,” said the commander. He turned to his troops as they trudged through the thick sand. “Assault squad will follow me at the front. Support team behind that. Stay together and watch the buildings for RPG’s.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The town was built to the left of a large colorful oasis. Trees and bushes grew in abundance, and butterflies fluttered by. The water sparkled like diamonds, a topaz color. The buildings were made of burnt-orange clay, built like cubes upon each other. Most were two stories tall and the large hotel loomed at the back. There were plenty of balconies with rotting railing, cobwebs seemed attached to every available spot. An eerie silence swept over the small cluster of buildings.
Commander Riley, of Marine Squad 8-0, halted the squad at the rise of the last dune before the descent into the old town. The hot sun was bearing down on the soldier's backs, and despite their light gear.it was energy-sapping.
“Squad ready?”
“Yes sir!” came five prominent voices in reply.
“Stay together. Watch each other’s back. Let’s go!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Mexican leader shoved the clip into her Dragunov sniper rifle, and set the bi-pod on the clay windowsill. From this position she could watch the whole town, and the dune from where the marines would no doubt come. She loosened the red bandana around her neck and waited.
“All troops in position,” squawked a voice on her nearby radio set.
She could see only one of her soldiers, an RPG-armed trooper concealed on the roof of the bar by a big faded sign, once a vibrant ruby color with gold trim, now a boring beige and brown.
The woman looked through her scope and spotted the marines now cresting the dune. They were all dressed in tan and brown camo, armed with assault rifles and heavy light machine guns. She sighted on the lead man, obviously the commander.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sheer luck saved the squad from an instant casualty. Riley had gotten halfway down the dune when he picked up too much momentum and could not slow himself from falling. Just as he hit the sand a gunshot echoed and a split-second later a bullet zipped by his head, shattering the silence.
The squad took off a split-second later, running for a small building on the outskirts of the town. Fighting sand in his eyes, Riley pushed himself up and charged down the dune. The building provided temporary cover for the six marines, but maybe two RPG shots, and they’d be minced meat. Riley surveyed their surroundings around one of the corners of the clay house.
“No enemies spotted. The sniper must be located in the hotel. We rush for the house on the right. Go!”
The squad moved out with precise order, a tribute to their intense training. As they neared the house an incoming RPG took out the marine in back. Not even daring to look back, Riley pushed the squad harder. Small arms fire opened up on them as they reached the safety of the house.
“The bar is ahead and to the left of us. It’s not connected by any other building which means we won’t have cover. Support team give suppressing fire while the assault team goes for the intel. Move out!”
Riley pushed off the old house and dashed for the bar. It had a tile roof just like the other buildings, but this one had a large sign sticking up above the double-door opening. “Trooper Coolidge, watch the roof, Freddie, the doorway!”
He aimed the assault rifle at one of the two windows near the doors. Coolidge began to empty his magazine at the roof. A scream sounded as he found his hidden target. Riley spotted a flash of metal in the window on the left and squeezed off several rounds. He heard the crash of glass and splintering of wood, but no sign of hitting his mark. He pulled a grenade from his vest, pulled off the pin, and chucked it in the doorway. The grenade exploded in a ball of smoke and flame.
The support team began to fire heavily into the surrounding buildings, covering the assault squad. Riley crashed through the doorway and quickly made a survey. A dead and bloody body was twisted at an awkward angle in the left corner. A long bar with broken bottles and glasses were on the far side of the room, and small round tables was scattered throughout. The intel – a metal case with foreign writing on it- was on the middle of the bar.
Gunfire echoed outside and Riley spoke into his headpiece. ”Lewis and Lane, what's the situation outside?”
“There are hostiles on balconies on both sides of the street. Two more are approaching on foot. No sign of the sniper. Our position is maintained.”
Riley grabbed the case and ran back to the doorway, whipping out his M1911. “Hostiles on both sides, the sniper is quiet. Coolidge and Freddie, you take the lead. I’ll follow with the case. Go!”
Coolidge took one step out of the doorway and was filled with lead by a hostile. A rain of bullets forced Riley and Freddie back into the building.
“Lane speaking. They are pinning us down. They have more firepower and better positions. You’ll have to make a dash for it. We’ll give as much cover as we can. Now!”
Riley burst out of the door and led the charge. Bullets flew in a frenzy and all Riley could hear was the burst of assault rifles. Dust flew in every direction. He dove for safety next to Lewis and Lane. Freddie didn't make it.
The hostiles poured on the fire, shredding the building apart. Trooper Five swung around the corner and fired off several quick bursts with the large LMG.
“What’s the plan, commander?”
“We need a distraction. And we need the intel.” Riley tossed the case to Trooper Lewis. “You and Lane run for it. I’ll go around the back of this house and draw away their fire.”
“But sir!” Lewis exclaimed.
“It has to be done.”
With that he dashed around the back of the clay house. He was now in a flanking position and could see two of the hostiles advancing in the street, unaware of their incoming doom. Riley stepped into the street to make sure he was spotted. He aimed and held on the trigger. The gun erupted into a volley of bullets, taking down the two hostiles.
He spotted the third hostile in a balcony across the street. Just as he began to aim his assault rifle, a sniper shot rang out and struck him in the back. He died instantly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
David O'Connor jumped up in bed, wide-eyed. He was breathing heavily, sweat soaking his sixty-year old, but still as fit as a soldier’s body. He wiped his brow and glanced over at the clock on his bedside stand.
3:57 A.M.
He twisted back to see if his wife had awakened at his sudden jump. But she still slept, her body rising and falling in rhythm to her breathing. David rubbed his eyes and threw the covers off. He grabbed his bed robe from a nearby chair and wrapped it over his T-shirt and shorts as he walked quietly out of the bedroom, silently closing the door behind him. The floor was cool, and it made him shiver slightly.
David stole down the stairs, through the entryway to the kitchen. He flipped on a light switch and squinted at the sudden amount of light. After a few seconds his eyes began to adjust and he made his way to the refrigerator. He pulled out a jug of milk and took a clean glass from a cabinet. He placed them both on the small wood oval table in the kitchen.
He sank to a chair and poured himself a glass, took a sip, and then placed the glass back on the table. He shivered once again, even though it was midsummer. That dream would’ve made anyone shiver. He dropped his head in his hands.
It’s in the past. You don’t need to think about it. It was never your fault. You are innocent! Forget about it. You can’t let it come back. For your sake. For her’s.
He lifted his head. He couldn’t let it get to him. Again. He took a draft of milk and stood, putting the milk back in the fridge and finishing off his glass. He was headed back up the stairs when lights flashed in the entryway. David wasn’t sure why, but for some reason he decided to see who was up at this hour. He walked to the window, facing the street, above the kitchen sink, peering into headlights. Someone was pulling into his driveway. It was a black SUV. Four men stepped out, and when the car lights turned off, they were nearly invisible, dressed as they were in black suits, but by the porch-light David could see something very distinct, the glint of steel in the lead man’s hand.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Mess!
So I had seen this around and felt like it was about time I gave you a review of sorts. And seeing as I am trying to encourage you to write more, I think a prompt for this novel might be a good idea. Especially as you haven't posted anymore since January!
What I liked the most about this chapter was the connection the dream had to David's life afterwards. It is very realistic for soldiers or people who have been in such situations to continue having dreams about it long afterwards and have it affect them in their daily life. So I thought it was good you did that. But putting that aside, I also think your descriptions were pretty well done as well. Although I didn't know the setting where the fighting was going on (that might be something to include) I did think it was good that we got such a detailed description of the town and the houses where they were hiding and attacking from. I liked (if that isn't too morbid) how Riley sacrificed his life for the others. It was sad in a way, but it was also truthful and what a commander might've done in such a situation.
Okay, on to the other things. I felt like the beginning was throwing a lot of information at us that we really couldn't care about yet! I get that feeling because starting a whole novel with information is always dodgy business. You should try and have an emotional or some other kind of connection with the reader before you get to the into the info which will help build the plot of the story. Take your time with the beginning. I would suggest letting us get to know the commander on an emotional level first. Have him as the center stage, and show us his thoughts and feelings on being told to lead these people. Is it something he has done countless times before, or is this his first time? Is he nervous and worried with a feeling that something might go wrong, or determined and certain that they can do whatever they need to do? Small things like this at the beginning make us care about the character and then we get the situation brought into play afterwards.
And speaking of the idea of showing more of the commander, I really feel like we need more of Riley's emotions here. He is going through a terrible situation right now where everything is going wrong. How does he feel about the surprise attack and the vulnerable position he is in? What is he thinking at the time? And right before he gives up his life for his soldiers, I want to know what is running through his mind. Is he trying to only focus on the shots he is taking, or is he also thinking about his friends and family and how he won't be able to ever see them again. Is he crying? I have a feeling that he might be, and hoping at the same time for his team to be able to get to safety. Whatever you do, this chapter can be made amazing if you put some emotional connection in it which wrenches on the readers heart from the first chapter and hooks them in to wanting to read the rest of the novel as well.
There is a lot of switching of scenes in this chapter. You should always be wary of doing something like that because it can make the reader feel very disconnected from what is going on because they get wrenched from one moment to another. To avoid it I would cut out the scene from the Mexican's point of view who is aiming at them. That scene doesn't add much to the story because later on we also learn that someone is shooting at them from the hotel, and that is all we need to know.
In the final scene we see a lot of David did this and that before we get to the point of him waking up. He does a lot of mandatory things, and it almost felt like you were simply listing them. Yes, you could have a few of them in there, but if I were you I would cut down on what he does before he starts thinking about the dream. That's the part we need to focus on and the rest of it is simply slowing things down.
Nitpick time!
This is the first sentence and it's missing its first set of speech marks.
These sentences might be in different paragraphs but they follow on to each other. And they both use 'a split-second'. I would change one of the times you use it so it isn't repetitious. We want to have varied vocabulary in your novel, of course
That's all I can think of Mess. I was picky, but this was a good start to a novel and I am looking forward to knowing where you intend to go with this plotline. So make sure you find time to write more. And when you do, make sure you drop a link on my wall or something so I can know to review the next chapter!
Deanie x
Thanks deanie beanie
i have been writing, just not posting it. Much goodies await >.> as for this story it's on the back burner, but it will be cooked eventually if ya get what i mean, so it hasn't been edited much .
~Messy
There isn't much to say except that this does seem very realistic; not like those stories with cardboard characters and cliché action scenes. However, I think you should explain what the characters are feeling. It's hard to tell what they're thinking about all of this if they don't express any emotion. David's character is fine, but the characters at the beginning should've had a little more explanation. You don't have to say it directly, but in a piece of dialogue you could say something like this at the end: "[Character says something]" [Name of character] says, his/her voice rising an octave in [explain emotion]. Something like that. The ending is an excellent cliff hanger that leaves you wanting for more. I do think it needs more fluency. Most of the scenes seem like they're broken up.
Capture intel and eliminate all hostiles!” sounded in the U.S. Marines headsets.
Looks like you forgot the first dialogue quote-no biggie!
Timmy heeeere
This will be a short review since there isn't much for me to say. xd This piece is pretty near perfect as it stands, and I have about fifteen minutes before I have to leave. So here's hoping I can give you something worthwhile in that time. Let's get started.
While reading through, I notice all of these breaks in the story - like, so many of them. You begin the scene, introducing the scene (but not the characters), and then you have a break in the piece. After the break, you have a description of the same place as they were before. Right? That's what I got from it. If you could mold those parts together, it would help the piece flow. Because right now, each one of those (except perhaps the very last break), bring the piece to a screeching halt. Think about it like a computer. Each time you give us a line break, the story is re-booting. Normally, one of those tells the reader that time has passed and so the line is there to help the reader understand that - almost like a new chapter, but a continuation of the same scene. So if the line break doesn't have a long period of time, cut it and try to smooth the two parts together. Your piece will flow much better with no breaks at all, but one won't destroy the flow of the piece. Four of them definitely will. Tweak it and see what you can do to bring them together. The last part, when he woke up from his nightmare, seems like it belongs in the piece, because the reader needs the lurch in the reading to understand that it's an entirely different place. But I would cut the others and flow them together.
The first parts of this piece confused me. When reading through, there were so many people rushing about with their guns, blowing enemies up and getting shot themselves. There was no focus. So I was quite a bit lost. There was no character to follow through the shroud of it all, and to watch either die or live - and become concerned about. I read through it in a very disconnected way, because there was no viewpoint and the focus shifted from person to person. And then you have the ending of the piece - where he woke up from the nightmare. Who is David? The beginning of the chapter should have set the reader up for his awakening there. Since it was a nightmare of his, I would have had the entire piece from his direct perspective (third person limited would have been best), so the piece would flow together in that way, too.
When I read through the first sections, I don't even see a David in there. I searched through the mess of names you introduced in that beginning of the chapter, and didn't see his at all. I am guessing he is sweating because of the death of Riley? There needs to be more to connect the two parts of the scene - the battle and the waking-up-from-nightmare. From how I see it right now, they look disjointed and don't fit together since the names don't fit, and the first part was written in a disconnected way, so there's no possible way for the reader to make a connection with the characters. When and if you went about editing, I would write the first section in the same POV as you did the wakening up, and give the reader more of a reason to see why he's sweating so much. As it stands, I can see why he'd be sweating a bit, as it's a bad dream. But there isn't anything to connect him to the scene, so it doesn't work as well as it should.
That ending was perfect. xd I loved it. Such a cliffhanger, and it's going to keep me on the edge of my seat until next time you post. It reminded me of The Avengers with the guys in the black SUV and the black suits. I wonder if they're from the government
because the FBI gets all the cool sunglasses and vehicles. I did think the part at the end where you presented the reason for him walking to the window was a bit odd. Vehicle lights flash in his driveway... and the only reason he's walking to see is merely out of curiosity? I think he'd be more interested in the reason why there are lights in his driveway. xd And I wonder what part he played in the beginning of the piece, which is almost a mystery since he doesn't seem to play a part from how I see the chapter right now (don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong). I look forward to some answers, and to more of this story. It's really intriguing, and like usual, your style is lovely.~Darth Timmyjake