“Capture Intel and eliminate all hostiles!” sounded in the U.S. Marines headset.
“Affirmative,” replied the commander.
He took off at a run, armed with a Scar-L assault rifle, M1911 pistol, and two frag grenades. Five marines followed. The headset speaker continued talking, and each marine listened closely.
“Terrain is desert with the Intel located at a Mexican oasis town one quarter mile from your current position. The buildings are rundown easily destructible. Scouts report resistance to be equal to your own number with AK’s and RPG’s. This town will afford one sniping position: a hotel four stories high is located near the backend of town. Beware of sniper and RPG’s from that position.The Intel is located in a bar near the center of the town. It was most likely heavily guarded.”
“Roger,” answered the commander. He turned to his troops as they trudged through the thick sand. “Assault squad will follow me at the front. Support team behind that. Stay together and watch the buildings for RPG’s.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The town was built to the left of a large colorful oasis. Trees and bushes grew in abundance, and butterflies fluttered by. The buildings were made of orange clay, built like cubes upon each other. Most were two stories tall and the large hotel loomed at the back. There were plenty of balconies with rotting railing, cobwebs were in abundance, and it was completely silent.
Commander Riley of Marine Squad 8-0 halted the squad at the rise of the last dune before the descent into the old town. The hot sun was bearing down on the soldier's backs, and despite their light gear.it was energy-sapping.
“Squad ready?”
“Yes sir!”came five prominent voices in reply.
“Stay together. Watch each other’s back. Let’s Go!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Mexican leader shoved the clip in her Dragunov and set the bi-pod on the clay windowsill. From this position she could watch the whole town, and the dune from where the marines would no doubt come. She loosened the red bandana around her neck and waited.
“All troops in position,” squawked a voice on her nearby radio set.
She could see only one of her soldiers, an RPG-armed trooper concealed on the roof of the bar by a big faded sign, once red, now a boring brown.
The attractive woman looked through her scope and spotted the marines now cresting the dune. They were all dressed in tan and brown camo, armed with Scar-L’s and M249’s. Three of each weapon. She sighted on the lead man, obviously the commander.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sheer luck saved the squad from an instant casualty. Riley had gotten halfway down the dune when he picked up too much momentum and could not slow himself from falling. Just as he hit the sand a gunshot echoed and a split-second later a bullet zipped by his head.
Fighting sand in his eyes, he pushed himself up and charged down the dune. The nearest building provided temporary cover from the six marines. The building was a little bit out from the rest of town and Riley surveyed it around one of the corners of the clay house.
“No enemies spotted. The sniper must be located in the hotel. We rush for the house on the right. Go!”
The squad moved out with precise order, the result of intense training. As they neared the house an incoming RPG took out the marine in back. Not even daring to look back, Riley pushed the squad harder. Small arms fire opened up on them as they reached the safety of the house.
“The bar is ahead and to the left of us. It’s not connected by any other building which means we won’t have cover. Support team give cover fire while the assault team goes for the Intel. Move out!”
Riley pushed off the old house and dashed for the bar. It had a tile roof just like the other buildings, but this one had a large sign sticking up above the double-door opening. “Trooper Two watch the roof, trooper Three the doorway!”
He aimed the assault rifle at one of the two windows near the doors. Trooper Two began to empty his magazine at the roof. A scream sounded as he found his hidden target. Riley spotted a flash of metal in the window on the left and squeezed off several rounds. He heard the crash of glass and splintering of wood, but no sign of hitting his mark. He pulled a grenade from his vest, pulled off the pin, and chucked it in the doorway. The grenade exploded in a ball of smoke and flame.
The support team began to fire heavily into the surrounding buildings, covering the assault squad. Riley crashed through the doorway and quickly made a survey. A dead and bloody body was twisted at an awkward angle in the left corner. A long bar with broken bottles and glasses were on the far side of the room, and small round tables were scattered throughout. The Intel – a metal case with foreign writing on it- was on the middle of the bar.
Gunfire echoed outside and Riley spoke into his headpiece.”Trooper Five, what's your position like?”
“There are hostiles on balconies on both sides of the street. Two more are approaching on foot. No sign of the sniper. Our position is maintained.”
Riley grabbed the case and ran back to the doorway, whipping out his M1911. “Hostiles on both sides, the sniper is quiet. Trooper's Two and Three you take the lead. I follow with the case. Go!”
Trooper Two took one step out of the doorway and was filled with lead by a hostile. A rain of bullets forced Riley and Trooper Three back into the building.
“Trooper Five speaking. They are pinning us down. They have more firepower and better positions. You’ll have to make a dash for it. We’ll give as much cover as we can. Now!”
Riley burst out of the door ahead of Trooper three who followed in suit. Bullets flew in a frenzy and all Riley could hear was the burst of assault rifles. Dust flew in every direction. He dove for safety next to Trooper Five and Four. Trooper three didn't make it.
The hostiles poured on the fire, shredding the building apart. Trooper Five swung around the corner and fired off several quick bursts with the large LMG.
“What’s the plan, commander?”
“We need a distraction. And we need the Intel.” Riley tossed the case to Trooper Four. “You and Trooper Five run for it. I’ll go around the back of this house and draw away their fire.”
“But sir!” Trooper Four exclaimed.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The O'Connor FilePoints:
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139,636 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
So cruel to leave us on such a cliffhanger...
Anywho, this didn't start off as much my kind of story, with all the army terms and whatnot, but based on that last little bit maybe I'd be interested in more of it. It's just that I don't know enough army stuff to really be able to visualize much. And in a battle-scenario opening, it's hard to care for any of the characters, because all you see at that moment is that they're soldiers, and they're kind of generic soldiers except that Riley was willing to sacrifice himself to get his men out of there, although even that is kind of generic since that's what a good leader should be willing to do.
Actually I was more curious about the Mexican woman, to be honest, and I thought it was awesome that you had a woman leading one of the parties.
At this point I'm more interested in the illustrious Mr. O'Connor, which might just be because I got to see a little more of him than anyone else...and also because I have a thing for broken male characters, and with a dream like that he obviously has some pieces that are broken.
Sorry if this isn't terribly much of a review, but I hope it helps a little. I just don't read this kind of story much. But I have liked it so that other people will hopefully see it too...although I see it has quite a few likes already!
Blue
*a white wolf with a jay feather tucked behind her ears appears from the shadows* I have come to review your story :3 lets get started. Seriously love how creative you were with sounding like you are actually apart of the story. And apart of the military when you used all the terms well down. Overall loved it keep wrtng girl :3 ( fyi love riley)
this is the most interesting review I've ever gotten.
Hello again! Just a few things...
"Trees and bushes grew in abundance, and butterflies fluttered by.... There were plenty of balconies with rotting railing, cobwebs were in abundance,...."
You might want to find a different word other than 'abundance;' maybe try, "a mess of cobwebs"?
"The attractive woman looked through her scope...." Maybe leave out 'attractive;' possibly keep as much of her identity a secret as long as possible.
" 'Trooper Two watch the roof, trooper Three the doorway!' ”
Are they extras, or will they gain names later?
"A long bar with broken bottles and glasses were on the far side of the room...."
It would be 'was' because you are referring to the bar as the subject, not the broken bottles and glass.
" 'Trooper Five, what's your position like?' "
If Riley is wondering where he is, then just take out 'like' and let the end of the sentence be 'position.' If, like I assume, Riley wants to know the position of the enemies, then maybe say 'Trooper Five, what's your situation?'
"David O'Connor jumped up in bed, wide-eyed. He was breathing heavily, sweat soaking his sixty-year old, but still as fit as a soldier body."
If you are separating with commas, you have to put in one more comma: "David O'Connor jumped up in bed, wide-eyed. He was breathing heavily, sweat soaking his sixty-year old, but still as fit as a soldier's, body."
Other than my nitpicking, this was really good! I enjoyed reading it. I'm very excited to see what happens in the driveway!
~liveandbreathewords~
Thanks for the punctuation and grammar points, they really help.
Happy to help!
Heya Messenger! Thought I'd pop by for a quick review after all. (I'm actually supposed to be studying right now. >.< )
Let me just bull-doze the nit-pick-iness out of the way first.
Technical
All right, so this isn't much of a nit-pick, but I noticed that you'd used several derivatives for the word "said" in the first part of this chapter. I don't know if it's the same for other readers, but the "replied" and "answered" sort of distracted me from the dialogue and the course of events. "Said" is your best friend, especially in fast-paced action stories like you're going for. That's my view-point anyway when it comes to dialogue. You can use synonyms for "said" when the scene you're describing is monotonous, and the reader needs to focus more on the exchange of dialogue. Just a suggestion here; how you choose to carry this out depends completely on you!
Pacing and scene-shifts
Whoa. Nice ending there. I do love cliffhangers! And I must admit I'm looking forward to the next chapter. When it comes to pacing, though, I'll have to say that you were a little fast. The reader needs time to adjust to the characters and *coughs* "bond" with them. Add a little emotion behind the action. Bring the fear, the exhilaration, the adrenaline into play. You've pretty much nailed the emotion part in the last few paragraphs, but I'd like to see that as a prevalent characteristic in the rest of the chapter as well. Your description of the operation as a whole was great, and the way you spoke in this matter-of-fact way about death just gave me the shivers. Very Horowitz-esque. Kinda reminded me of Alex Rider as well.(Search it up! It's a brilliant series!
Overall, brilliant work! You have a great story going here, and encounters of the military kind have always fascinated me. So keep it up! Keep writing!
I hope this review helped.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hey Pomp, I'll hop on dem problems real fast! I'll let you know when chapter 2 comes out. Glad you liked the military parts! I love the military and know enough about it to improve the book with some details. I'll let you know when the next chapter comes out. As for the emotion, this is a kind of different viewpoint. It isn't from any one person's, and since it's a dream it's kind of strange.
Gaming = AMAZING
FABULOUS WORK!
This piece of work = ULTRA AMAZING
Shall I count on you to want chapter 2?
Greetings! Here for a quick review! I apologise in advance for sounding too critical; I am unused to reviewing chapters.
Lets start on a positive.
The cliffhanger worked really well, and I will probably read the next chapter due to it. It could just be a beautiful sight of dawn that made him gasp, but I guess tis somebody from the past.
Writing style. Normally I would say it is too fast paced, but at the battle field it worked really well, for two reasons, that is it kept the action in a blur, (which is also the case for dreams,) and it complied with the soldiers mindset; Cold and to the point. However you could add a little description etc. to slow it once he had woken up.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you Fiend. I'll be working on when he wakes up to slow things down a little and also extend the end a tad. I'll let you know when chapter 2 comes out!
Thanks!
Okay! I'm reviewing now! I actually really like this. I don't know a whole lot about military operations or anything like that, but it FELT authentic. It was a little difficult to keep track of a couple of times but I always managed to catch back up pretty quickly. However, I do have one problem with this. This "Riley" seems to be the main character for most of this chapter, but then when he's shot you just write "He died instantly." Put in a little more description and make it more dramatic. It needs more emphasis. Perhaps mention a moment of searing pain and then blackness, or describe the way his body jerked as the bullet hit him, or how it crumpled. Something like that. Otherwise it's pretty well done!
Ah this is so hard. Nothing is as it seems in this review. No gonna say anymore. I'll try to add a little bit to it. But . . .
I'm a little confused on what is happening. I understand that this is a fight in the middle of the desert, and that it's a memory from the old man in a dream, but I found it a bit lacking of information and imagery. I know what's happening (for the most part), but I don't know anything besides that. I don't know why they're fighting, I don't know who these people are, or much else. For a first chapter, you're going to need a lot more chutzpah. What is there here that would want me to read more? What makes me cringe when these people are shot at, besides the fact that people are being shot at? You need to give these characters life, enough that I feel the despair the old man feels over their long gone lives. Not enough that it's unnecessary; just enough to make them people and not just information on a page.
The ending left a good hook for the next chapter. However I wish it was a little more elaborate than a two-word sentence. Most of the errors were just careless, so there's no big deal over that. Your writing is good, but I think you can do better. This seems like it could be a cool action/adventure novel, as long as you don't follow the lines of action movies before you wrote this. (For instance, this reminded me of the movie"Red".)
As always, keep writing.
did you get a reply to this?
ahh! OK i must have deleted my response on accident. I hopped on most of those little details you mentioned and I'll be expanding on the whole scene with David, especially the very end.
Also, how do you think I did with details on the house scene?
Now, the emotion thing is a tricky thing. This isn't what it appears but I can't give anything away. Trust me ok?
~Messenger
I trust you, Hermz. And I thought the house scene was pretty good.