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Psalm 23 . . . my meditation on it

by Messenger

The Lord is my Shepard,

I will not fear.

Even during times of trouble,

He is still near.

During times of struggle,

and life's spiritual storms,

I can trust Him,

He knows pain of every form.

I can trust Him,

I can stay calm,

for He is with me everywhere,

He holds me in His palm.

He refreshes me,

when life seems oh, too full!

And He guards me,

from the worlds unending pull.

He prepares for me,

a table and place,

where I am covered,

by His wonderful grace.

He has shown me goodness,

He has shown me mercy,

and I will dwell in His house,

for the whole of eternity.

So thank you Jesus,

for your love for me,

is impossible to comprehend,

it is beyond all degree.

Is this a review?



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Points: 322
Reviews: 1

Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:11 pm
Awriter says...

Psalms is overall an amazing book in the bible and 23 is one of its best chapters...I truly enjoy your meditation on the chapter. It was well thought out and a beautiful paraphrase of the original book.

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 9:56 pm
Basilisk wrote a review...

For a start, I am an atheist, so reviewing this will be incredibly biased. Just to warn you in case you had any misconceptions. I have, for the sake of liberty, read the original passage of Psalm 23 to give me an idea of what this work will discuss, and already I find your source material to be lacking in substance. It is highly subjective and I don't really understand it all too well. Sorry. Maybe it's just me.

The aura generated from this writing is one I cannot describe, more in a negative sense. You make references to the Lord without explaining two things:

A) Who he is
B) Why he's good

Something about a house for all eternity? I shall not go into detail the impracticality of this statement, as it isn't meant to be taken literally, but I found it particularly cliché. This also applies to your source material. I also find your very last stanza to be rather questionable content wise, in particular describing the love Jesus possesses for the writer. Ideally it should be the other way around, but I will refrain from explaining why. This is a critique, not a debate.

I must ask how you know all of this stuff, but that is something you can PM me about.

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Thu Sep 12, 2013 4:02 am
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Messenger says...

OK, i guess I have t make this VERY clear. as the title says, this is what i found through meditating on psalm 23. This is not a poem to be edited, changed, or re-structured. I guess I should have made that more clear, but now you know.
Like how GriffinClaw realized that there is a happy hope we have through Jesus, and this in a sense, an honor to him for his love for us.

DarkKnight9 says...

Thumbs up*

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Thu Sep 12, 2013 3:40 am
Snoink wrote a review...

Hi Malachi!

Yay! Psalm 23! You really can't go wrong with that. It is one of my favorite psalms!

One thing that I thought was a bit odd... is this supposed to be meditations of a psalm, or a summary of the poem? When I was learning about poetry, I learned how important it was to summarize a poem so that we have a better grasp of what happened in the poem and thus we could analyze it better. This poem kind of looks like summaries of great poems that I have done, so that I could understand the poem better.

Still, it didn't seem like an actual poem. Most of it is just Psalm 23 rewritten so that all the powerful imagery of the shepherd is cut out (David used to be a shepherd, so it is fitting that he wrote about being a sheep of the Lord). In particular, you got rid of the whole "rod and staff" bit, in which the rod is used as a weapon -- sometimes even directed towards the sheep! But, this seems largely ignored and it's more about God's goodness to us all... which is good too! Still, the psalm seems largely watered down of all its powerful meaning which are especially vivid in metaphors. Considering that Jesus used these metaphors freely, it seems odd that you've seem to have diluted them down to strictly spiritual sense. It's just a little odd!

An idea... what if you tried to inject your own self and a metaphor that makes sense to you and still keep the original meaning of the psalm? I did something like this in this poem (which was about the Passion) and put my own self in when an experience and the bible verses overlapped. It meant that I really had to study line by line all of the Sorrowful Mysteries and connect them with myself, but it turned out to be something really unique... I hope! Yours will be different, clearly.

I mean, I see that you took out the wonderful metaphors to make it more applicable to you, but that's not really poetry. That's summary. You need to insert yourself in it more, do some more bible study on that psalm, and then it'll really shine.

Good luck! :)

Malachi says...

Please refer to my latest comment at the top.

Snoink says...

I understand about not wanting to change poems... I am loathe to change any of my own poems after I finish as well. ^^ Still, hopefully, this advice will come in handy for your future poetry endeavors! :)

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 8:31 pm
Sonder wrote a review...

Hey Malachi! GriffinClaw, here to review this beautiful work!

First off, wow. It takes skill to transform any praise into something unique like this. The rhyming and the rhythm were calming and I loved it. The hope behind the words, the happiness in looking forward to a future with Jesus is just...beautiful. Praise God. You did a great job. I look forward to reading more of your works!

Keep writing and being amazing!


Malachi says...

Thank you so much GriffinClaw, that means a lot. I suspect this is the first of several reviews I'll be receiving in the near future. :)

Sonder says...

You suspect correctly!

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 7:12 pm
Liaya wrote a review...

This is beautiful. I agree that there could be some more imagery to make it slightly more original (and you're kind of overworking the commas) but it's really lovely--don't change it too much! Thanks for the inspiring piece of work, Malachi. By the way, if you want to move it there should be a tab that's a gear for settings. Press on that. Somewhere there should be an option to edit your portfolio and from there you can navigate what folders hold what. I'll send you a message with more detail.

Malachi says...

Alright, thanks for the help.

Malachi says...

What exactly do you mean in the way of imagery. i mean these are mostly just thoughts I have.

Liaya says...

Hmm...well, for example, try comparing God or some of your feelings to something you can describe. Similes and metaphors are important in poetry and I think they'd make this one come to life.

Malachi says...

Refer to my latest comment at the top.

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:29 pm
EloquentDragon wrote a review...

ED here,

To start off, I'm actually going to agree with your most negative critic. That is, you need to make this more original. It's a neat interpretation, and I understand that it's personal, but it's also sort of vague or anonymous... Like you pulled it right out of the psalms. (Which, you sort of did but...) Here would be my advice: Try to use more imagery. You give a lot of attributes of who God is, but show more of your response to. How does knowing all of this make you feel? Be visual here; don't be afraid to be anecdotal.

The Lord is my Shepard, I will not fear.

Interesting twist on the original. ;) Also, it’s “Shepherd.”

During times of struggling,

I'd change that to a noun. "Struggle."

He knows pain of every form.

This seems a bit clunky to me. Try reading it out loud.

when life seems full,

"Full" seems positive, it's a good thing to be full of life! Try looking up synonyms for
"chaotic” or whatever else you were trying to say. (And I understand you were trying to rhyme, but that word doesn't work here.)

for all eternity.

Meh, seems a little choppy. Doesn't match in number of syllables.

it is beyond all degree.

Same with this one.

I'm seconding Lyria's advice that you should break these up into stanzas. Or shorter stanzas, rather. That might help the flow of things.

Now, I don't now if I like the rhyming here or not. It's definitely more unusual, not a lot of people use it nowadays. And there might be a reason for that. (Children's limericks come to mind, the cheesy, Dr. Suess-esque ones) To me, it reminds me of those old, cliché, "touchy-feely" posters they put on the wall in the church bathroom.... not probably the image you are trying to evoke. In the end I think it's up to you. You handled the rhymes quite well, and it's not something we see a lot of, as I said. So that decision is purely a stylistic one.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Malachi says...

OK, thanks a lot ED. I don't know how much I will change this all, but as with my sunset poem, this is the first feed back I've gotten, so no editing has been done yet.

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 12:04 pm
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GeeLyria wrote a review...

Hi Malachi! =D

I'm Sol! I'm here to tell you something that may or may not be really significant. In fact, it may sound kind of silly, but I think this poem could be a little bit more organized when it comes to the separation of stanzas. So, I'm about to suggest you something... then you decide if it's rational or not. xD

I noticed that your poem could be beautifully divided into quatrains (stanzas of four lines), but if that happens, two lines would be left out. Hm... But then again, when you take a look at it, the first two lines of your piece are like an introduction of what you'll be talking about. It's also a really nice start, it's easy for one to say it out loud and enjoy it, so I think it would work! :)

When it comes to the rest of the poem, honestly, it's lovely~ To me, it flows flawlessly, and you have done a great job!

Keep it up, Writer for Christ! :]


Malachi says...

The last four lines are supposed to a separate stanza from the other. That is why the last one is so long. Thanks for the review and like.:)

Malachi says...

For some reason I can't get spaces in between the stanza breaks. I've tried it several times but it doesn't save it. I'm not sure why.

GeeLyria says...

Oh. o= Shaaaame! Okay, check out this link! How to format your poetry on YWS I hope it helps you!

Malachi says...

Thanks, it worked.

GeeLyria says...

Yay! You're welcome~ *tips hat* ^__^

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:43 am
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TonelessBard wrote a review...

I'll leave it a like because of the rude comment down there. People just write pointless reviews to get points, you gotta learn that right at the moment you post your literary work. I do agree this poem needs more work, but it's not that bad at all. It's more like prayer, atleast that's what it sounds like. I respect the other religions even tough I don't believe in God and I don't get offended if someone writes a prayer. Anyway, there are no rules in ART. That's what you have to understand. Reviews should be only suggestions to make you repair you mistakes (if there are any) and honest opinions. Not orders. Don't take them too seriously, that will only get you depressed and it will affect bad on your poeting/writing. That's my advice as a friend.

If this poem brings you satisfaction and peace, then there's nothing wrong with it (And I don't see a singe grammar mistake). That's why I wish you best in your future writing/poeting and I hope we'll read more from you. Keep writing, no matter what everyone else says. ;)


Malachi says...

Thanks a lot. :)

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:56 am
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ImHero wrote a review...

The Lord is my Shepard,

Already uninterested. I believe I heard this phrase already, I hear it everytime someone is babbling about religion. Way to go you started with one of the most well-known cliches in the book. You would think if you where going to re-due Psalm 23 you would make it interesting, but no you just give us this watered down thing that does nothing for us. And here's why: you neglect any kind of emotion by not being honest all you did was take phrase after phrase of this mixture of numb soundings words because it relates to so much of us that people keep saying it. It means nothing to me, your words fall flat.

The Lord is my Shepard, I will not fear.
Even during times of trouble, He is still near.

Here let me give you some rhymes for your next poem: love, dove, fear, leer, boo, too. you don't need to rhyme, it is distracting you, why don't you give us something real. I mean don't just blindly follow and recite the rules of your God PROVE it so us. Honesty lies in experiences of you, it makes it real with imagery and the metaphor's you think of along the way and conveys emotion.

He refreshes me,
when life seems full,
and He guards me,
from the worlds pull.

If you want to move people, about the words with your god bring something new to the table. Or people are just going to like it feeling like they should and not because of the integrity of your poem.

And for the love of something don't beg for likes, you don't deserve them, not yet.


DarkKnight9 says...

He doing a great job,just need some more originality and creativity :D Keep it up @Malachi ^^

Malachi says...

OK, Imhero, I like this poem the way it is, and other than a few changes I'll keep it the way it is. What I wrote is from what God has done for me. And I think adding a bit of actual scripture is good in a poem, showing that this isn't just my thoughts, but also God's promise.
DarkKnight thanks for the comment. and the reason I put please leave a like is because I think a lot of times people would, but merely forget. I know that's the case with me. and if people don't like my writing then they won't pt a like anyway.

Malachi says...

And by the way Imhero, if you want someone to actually take your review too seriously, I would try to use a more tactful beginning and ending. it really doesn't make me want to listen to what you have to say.

ImHero says...

DarkKnight9 and Malachi I believe this was my review, thank you. You can do your reviews how you like and I will do them how I like okay?

Malachi says...

OK, but I am the author who is reviewing, so i am entitled to tell you what I think of your review.

Malachi says...

And I was not begging for likes, merely asking people too if they enjoyed it.

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Wed Sep 11, 2013 3:25 am
Messenger says...

Please leave a like! :)

Malachi says...

Don't feel pressured to leave a like; this is just a reminder if you meant to but forgot. I don't want to pressure you to like it. :)

It's like being in love, discovering your best friend.
— Elizabeth Wein, Code Name Verity