The growl was the first noise to startle Kip, followed by what sounded like a splash. She rolled to the side of her tent and shoved the flap open. A cool breeze floated through and Kip took it in for a moment, peering into the darkness. Her tent had been set up next to her father’s and Spitfire and Jumper had settled on either side. They were now on their feet with their ears perked up and their tails swishing back and forth. Kip could hear Jumper sniffing the air and growling in a low tone.
Kip stepped out of her tent, brushing her hair aside and patting Jumper.
“Easy girl. Stay.”
The escort troop was in arms just ahead with their smaller dragons at the ready. The entire group seemed focused on the shoreline twenty feet away. In the dark the water looked like a black blob. The moon was obscured making it even more difficult to see.
“Get some light on the waterline,” the sergeant ordered. “Lucifer, fire it up.”
The slick black dragon wagged its head once and then let out a blast of sparks floated across the water before sizzling out with a hiss. In the short time of extra light Kip noticed what looked like two shiny eyes in the water and was just about to point it out when her father strode up, Spitfire lumbering behind.
“I think I saw eyes. There,” she said, pointing towards a spot to the right where a cluster of reeds and moss clung to the mud.
The sergeant followed her direction and stepped that way with Lucifer trailing him. He had her light the area up again. This time everyone saw a splash as something submerged.
“It’s big, whatever it is,” the sergeant noted.
“Is it a water devil?” Kip asked? Her mind ran through all the possible scenarios of what could happen. She’d heard stories of how these sipposed animals dragged their prey underwater till they drowned.
“It could be. The more important question is is it dangerous? And are there more?”
Xavier stepped closer. “What do you suggest?”
“I’ll set up a perimeter. We don’t know if it’s hostile, and if it can survive out of water or not. We’ll tighten our circle and set some torches. I don’t want to be caught off guard. You and your daughter should return to your tents. You should be safe there with your dragons.”
Kip hurried back to Jumper who was still alert. As the torches were lit the flames reflected from Jumper’s oval, emerald eyes. Kip no longer felt like sleeping so she sat Jumper down and sat atop the dragon. Below the rough exterior of Jumper, Kip felt her insides. They were tense, loaded with energy in case of a fight or flight.
As the torches were set up and no more water creatures were seen or heard, Kip began to doze off. It wasn’t until she began to slide off of Jumper that she woke with a start. At that point it was too late and she landed om the semi-soft ground with a squish. She turned to reprimand Jumper, only to realize that the dragon was now turned and facing the largest lizard that Kip had ever seen.
She scrambled to her feet and let out a shriek. The lizard had to be at least ten feet long and half as tall. Its entire back looked like it was made out of tiny plates that interwove. The eyes were small and slitted, and its forked tongue shot in and out of its mouth.
Within seconds the guards were at Kip’s side. She inhaled deeply and wiped her brow and palms. She had broken into a cold sweat and was shivering. Her father came to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
Are you injured?” he asked with a concerned tone.
“No, I’m fine father. I must’ve fallen asleep on Jumper. But there’s a water devil!”
She re-mounted Jumper to get a view over the guards who now had their spears out and were advancing in a semi-circle. To the entire group’s surprise the lizard made no move backward.
“It’s not intimidated,” the sergeant said. “Men, form on me. Let the dragons take care of this.”
It was then that a bright red flame burst into the sky over the waterfront, causing the entire group to turn and look. The lizard attacked in a blur, slicing two of the guards to their legs before they had a chance to move. Jumper pounced, roaring at the lizard. The lizard swiped its heavy tail, catching Jumper across the snout. She reeled back in pain with Kip hanging on for dear life.
“Attack! Attack!” The sergeant yelled. “Kill that thing now!”
Kip lost her grip and went spinning, straight for the lizard.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Disclaimer: I have not read the previous chapters. That said, this is pretty exciting in itself.
Okay, so the first order of business is style! I liked it here. It's powerful where it needs to be, and knows when to lay low. While I would like a bit more description on the lizard (you know, to really feel the fear), the descriptions do a good job of moving the story forward.
As for characterization, I didn't feel too much of that here. The behaviors and logic of the characters here just doesn't seem to much for that. If it's not really a priority here, then that's fine. However, if it is, could you please detail a bit more of Jumper's behavior? As the protagonist's companion, it makes sense for Jumper to have a character as fleshed-out as she. It doesn't have to be super-obvious; a few protective or worried behaviors would do. Especially since this is a scene where Jumper protects Kip, this is a good place to gauge their relationship (if it even matters. I'm only assuming that it does).
Also, the dialogue seems a little...generic. Here for instance:
Slightly boring, to be honest. Is there any other, emotion-driven way to say it? I'm assuming that Kip isn't a complete zen-head, since she shrieks at the water-devil's appearance.
It's fine to be blunt and callous, but don't overdo it.
Overall, it's a gripping scene with a good style. I wish there could've been more characterization or description, but I'm probably none to judge. Cheers!
-Chaser
Whoa, what's this? Me again??? Yo, Mess.
I'm going to pick out three nitpicks and that is all the nitpicking I will do because I hate nitpicks and that's up to someone else who is better at them to comment on. First there is a random question mark here followed by a misspelling of "supposed".
Then there is this comment on the "insides" of Jumper. You need to use a different word, because I think you're talking about muscles but insides means like stomach and heart and such, it doesn't really translate to muscles, so this was hella weird to read.
More generally; You ended with Kip and Jumper going for a walk in the last chapter but you don't expand on it here? In terms of a real novel, your chapters will be much longer so it's likely these sections will be connected, so the jump feels a little abrupt. I'm again not feeling the age of Kip at all and it's really frustrating because she just... doesn't read like a 16 year old. I know I'm harping on that and I'm sorry but it is, for me, super distracting.
What is the difference between a lizard and a dragon? Aren't dragons just big winged lizards? If the lizard is a water devil, why doesn't anyone refer to it as a water devil before explaining that they are gross lizards? This whole bit feels a little bit quick; I think there needs to be some clearer development of the situation before the lizard comes attacking - AND why does it wait? Is it waiting for the fire signal to attack, does it feel like it's being attacked so that's why it attacks? Maybe you'll explain that later but that's what I'm questioning at the moment.
I definitely feel you need more to happen here. A lot of the chapters feel like slightly disconnected moments that are loosely connected, rather than a cohesive narrative. I think there needs to be an expansion of the events so that we have a stronger feeling of what's happening and it doesn't flash before us rapidly (which is what it feels like at the moment).
All that said, I'm still interested in your narrative and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Thanks for posting!
- Pen.
Hey Penguin, I've ben pretty busy so I haven't replied to your reviews, but thanks for sticking with this story! I'm planning on going back and doing some major revision as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!
~Messy