The sea shone like a diamond, dazzling displays of sunlight splicing through the water to create a rainbow effect of color along the small, white-crested waves as the slapped against the side of the large scouting ship, The Blade. The captain stood at the rudder, a toothpick in mouth, bare-chested. His skin was a bronze tone from the endless hours on the sea. With spring rushing on to summer the days were a mix of either warm and humid, or wet and cool. Out on the sea however, the breeze was picking up, keeping the temperature mild.
The first mate climbed the small deck. “The wind’s blowing us pretty far captain. Ya think we should turn back? We’re in open water. The Mazella headed back an hour ago. If pirates show up, we’re gonna be in some scrap.”
The captain removed his rag from his head and wipe his brow. “I know. We’ll head back if we don’t see a ship in two five minutes. I just don’t like the idea of that,” he said, gesturing to the lower deck where a baby dragon, small in comparison to adults, but large on the scout ship, was curled in a heap, a severe slash across its underbelly where a large spear since tossed to the bottom of the ship had pierced it. “Who’s killing these dragons? It takes quite the shot to take a dragon down with one spear.”
“It does, but if someone is taking dragons down in one shot, don’t you think they could handle us pretty easy?” The first mate grimaced. “They might even be Grevians.”
The captain’s eyes shot up. “Grevians? This close to our shores with no sighting? Highly unlikely. The important question is why they shot it down but didn’t care to take the body, or for that matter, why did they shoot this beast down? It doesn’t even have its horns yet! It’s a waste.” Dragons weren’t exactly a protected species, but most nations had seen the advantage in having an aerial assault and had captured and trained the animals. Killing them for sports was as bad as horse stealing.
“Well somebody did.” The first mate said with a blunt frown.
“And it looks like they’re coming back,” the captain said, pointing past him. “Ship ahead! She’s headed this way!” he turned to the first mate. “Ready the bows. Send the flares up. That ship’s coming to fight.”
As if the weather sensed the change, the breeze picked up and in the distance rumbles of thunder echoed. The crew was alive, arming the man-sized crossbows at the bow, as well as crossbows and spears. The enemy ship, Grevian pennant of a yellow background and eight red stars in the forefront waving, swept in.
The captain of The Blade swung the rudder, turning the ship to an angle. They cruised closer and closer to the much larger Grevian ship. Both decks were alive with orders being shouted and weapons being drawn.
“Light those flares!” the captain yelled.
Two of the crew grabbed the crossbows armed with arrows that had a red cylinder container on the end. They fired them straight in the air. As the arrows climbed and were swept slightly away by the breeze, the two cylinders slid off the sharp arrowhead, bursting out red powder. At the same time the arrowhead grazed across a small piece of flint on the cylinder. The powder igniting, flashing into a cloud of red smoke that could be seen a ways off.
“Wait for my signal to fire!” the captain yelled. The ships were now within a hundred yards of each other. The Grevians fired first. The giant arrows, two yards long, slammed into the side of The Blade, biting off large chunks of wood.
“Light the arrows, then fire,” the captain ordered the first mate.
A match was struck and the giant crossbows, arrows dipped in oil, were lighted. A foul smelled rose from them as they sizzled and caught aflame. Then the first mate shouted “Fire!” and the projectiles were off. The skidded across the top of the enemy ship’s deck, snagging on spare sails and rigging. “Keep firing,” the captain yelled as the boats crossed each other. A barrage of bolts, darts, arrows, and spears swamped both decks. Men went down on both sides with screams.
The Blade creased against the edge of the ship and the two rocked, knocking the sailors of balance. The captain jammed the rudder the other way. The blade snuck past reloaded. The two ships faced each other once again. The clusters of arrows and fire bolts rained down. One such bolts caught on The Blade’s main sail. It instantly shot up in flames.
“Bucket detail!” the captain yelled. Smoke enveloped his view of the enemy ship, but he could still feel the bolts as they slammed into the side, jittering the ship. This time when the ships crossed paths however, they collided rather than skimming by. That’s when he heard it: the roar of a dragon.
“Lords help us all.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Yo Messenger,
I'm reviewing this even though you have a stack of reviews cause I don't feel I should move onto your second chapter without looking at this properly.
You have an interesting concept that was able to hook me in a relatively short space. Not much has happened but you've remembered, importantly, that you novel begins on the very first page so wasting time is just silly. While I have no idea what is happening on a broad scale you've done well to explain what is happening without making it confusing or cluttered at all.
Moving on to a more critical commentary would be to say that your dialogue feels stilted and unnatural. If these people have been working together for a long time, which some of their familiarity suggests, then they should have a much more familiar way of speaking to one another, shouldn't they? Less full sentences, more understanding without clear phases. Maybe that's too much to ask from the first chapter of a work where the world isn't established, but it's something to consider for the future.
In the same vein, or a different vein but one which carries the same stuff, your first paragraph lays it on way too heavy. The majesty of your new world is very clearly presented but you're sliding almost into purple prose with how lyrical it is. If you're not intending to keep up with that level of description (which you're not, as evidenced from the rest of the excerpt) then you need to tone it down to reflect the mode of address you're going to be using through the rest of your novel. Consistency is important to showing that your skills are even an able to be accessed naturally.
As I said, you've got an interesting concept and I'm looking forward to tapping into that next chapter. Do consider your description and the dialogue. Make your characters real people. (also if you want to keep your lyricism the dragon is a great place to start, what does it even look like?)
Thanks for posting!
- Penguin.
Heyo! I finally got around to reviewing this! Considering I haven't been on YWS in a long time and haven't reviewed in... Well, let's not say how long, I'm more than a little rusty at reviews, so give me a break!
First off, let's get nitpicks out of the way!
First:
"... White crested waves as the slapped..."
^That should be they, not the.
"They fired them straight in the air."
If I'm not mistaken, I think "into" is the correct preposition there...
"The skidded across..."
Another of those "the's" rather than "they". Don't worry, I make that mistake ALL THE TIME when I'm writing!
Finally:
"Lords help us all."
I'm not sure if this is a typo, or that was meant to be his expression? I'm thinking you just meant "Lord"
Anyway, now those are all out of the way! First off, your first paragraph and even sentence was very capturing, mesmerizing, interesting, etc. In fact this entire chapter really stood out! You really gave us the feel of this country and the seas without really giving us a ton of information! Which, by the way, I'm not sure whether the captain will be a main character in this story, but if he is (and maybe even if he's not) I think his name should have been mentioned. (Maybe I totally missed it, but I didn't think so.) I think other than that, like I said, you have us this feeling of being there without throwing a load of information on us. Now, could it have used maybe the country's name or something else like that? Sure. But it wasn't NECESSARY, which is what I liked. The battle scene was fantastic! Very exciting, precise, and realistic without seeming over-done. As far as the topic goes, who would have guessed you writing about dragons? lol. So, this review is somewhat short, but I can't really give you any more... See you in Chapter Two! I'll try to review it tomorrow...
Keep Writing!
PeanutPhoebe
Hey, as requested I'll be reviewing your chapter.
Well, I'm not an expert on chapters myself, so bear with me. Nevertheless, I'll try my best.
I thought, overall this was a good start, for the first chapter. The fight scene was entertaining to read you had the right level of tension and action in it. I could also follow the chapter for the most part and the length was decent.
I have a few suggestions for you though. My main issues were actually with the opening paragraph.
"The sea shone like a diamond, dazzling displays of sunlight splicing through the water to create a rainbow effect of color along the small, white-crested waves as the slapped against the side of the large scouting ship, The Blade. The captain stood at the rudder, a toothpick in mouth, bare-chested. His skin was a bronze tone from the endless hours on the sea. With spring rushing on to summer the days were a mix of either warm and humid, or wet and cool. Out on the sea however, the breeze was picking up, keeping the temperature mild."
I'll break it up a bit so its easier to review it.
"The sea shone like a diamond, dazzling displays of sunlight"
I may be being a bit picky here, I don't mind a bit of alliteration, although the three "d" letter beginning felt a bit too much as they were so juxtaposed. Perhaps adding the word, *with* dazzling displays of.... etc.
"The sea shone like a diamond, dazzling displays of sunlight splicing through the water to create a rainbow effect of color along the small, white-crested waves as the slapped against the side of the large scouting ship, The Blade."
I found the continuation of that line far too long. The sentence takes up three lines so it would be even better if you cut out some words or descriptions that are unnecessary or don't carry too much of an impact.
"The captain stood at the rudder, a toothpick in mouth, bare-chested. His skin was a bronze tone from the endless hours on the sea."
Here, I thought the captain introduction/description should be separate from the scene setting. But I suppose that is optional as he may be a part of the scene setting itself.
"mix of either warm and humid, or wet and cool."
I didn't fully understand what you meant here. Perhaps simplifying it as it is in essence, just the weather's temperature you're elaborating on.
“Lords help us all.”
I liked this last line as an ending, although I'm unsure who said it, or if it was a character's internal thought or the narrator themselves saying it?
Overall, keep up the good work.
--Chips
Hi there!
That's quite a full opening line. I don't think it's exactly a run-on, but there is a lot going on. I had to read through it a few times before I truly grasped what was happening. I'd suggest chopping it in half at least. All of the information in it is important and fits well, but it's just stuffed a bit too full.
Also, quick grammar thing, you don't need the comma before the name there at the end. Since this is the first time the name of the ship is being introduced you can just say "the large scouting ship The Blade". It's like when you're first introducing the name of a new character.
So, the dragon. he captain's dialogue after mentioning it shows us that it's dead, but originally I thought maybe it was alive. I was a bit surprised to hear that it was dead. Maybe mention first that it's dead or somehow show it when we first see the animal. Also, how big is this dragon exactly? You give us a comparison to an adult dragon, but we don't know what an adult dragon looks like either
The fight scene is done really well. It kind of reminded me of those action scene in Pirates of the Caribbean. Although that's probably because I haven't seen/read many ship fighting scenes xD It's interesting to read something that takes place in the middle of nowhere (the ocean in this sense) and still understand everything that's going on. I don't think I have any thing for you to improve upon in that scene. Except maybe more focus on what's happening on deck. It's mentioned that "men went down on both sides with screams" but that's all we get. If you added just a bit more about the men instead of just focusing on the captain and first mate, this would be great.
You've got a very strong start here. There's characters, action, conflict, a dead dragon. I can only imagine where this story is going to go. These Grevian people, or creatures, really intrigue me. I hope you really get into that whole thing in the next few chapters. I feel like the Grevians are going to be causing a lot of trouble.
Great job with this! Hopefully I can give you a better review for the next chapters :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I'm here to review for you, it's me, Atsmai! I know you said this was the worst thing you've ever written, but for your worst, this is pretty good.
The first couple paragraphs gives me a slow start, but I kept reading. I like the concept of the story, it just fits well in my mind, sailors and dragons, sounds cool!
I love that you had a slow start, but then it's already into the action and you've kicked off the story! The characters are kind of iffy to me, I'm neutral about them for the time being, since I don't know much about them.
What I really want to know more about is the dragons, so I hope they're a major part of the story because they're what sucked me into the story, I want to know more about the dragons and the Grevians, who are the Grevians?
I am excited to learn more about this story, this could've been a bit better, but I dunno, have a good day!
Happy Review Day!
Let's begin with your first paragraph. The first sentence is a bit long, sure, but I think that the amazing imagery employed makes up for that. The captain's introduction is spot-on and easy to picture. But the last two sentences feel a bit unrelated and disconnected. A transition from bronzed skin straight to climate conditions feels a bit abrupt.
A little long to be separated with just commas, don't you think? It is dialogue, after all.
Who's he talking to? You haven't mentioned the other crew yet.
I don't understand what you're trying to say here.
The battle sequence is pretty intense, with some stellar imagery to make it so. It's just a suggestion, but would you be able to fit any emotions on the battlefield in? It's really just a thought.
You know, shouldn't the ship's name just be Blade? I never saw a ship with "The" in its name.
Overall, the imagery in this piece was particularly astounding. The characters were appreciable as far as standards go, and this seems to be shaping up into an intriguing story. Cheers.
-Chaser
Chiiiiii!!! (Wait you still go by Chi right? And is that how it's spelled?) Anyway you said this is as bad as it gets. What's so bad with this?
Nice beginning paragraph overall. The first sentence is reaaally long for a first sentence in my opinion, but I love the description introducing us to the captain. (Haha I actually had a toothpick in my mouth too when I read that. XD Look it was right after dinner sooooo yeah. Lol I could taste your description tho.)
Wait it's a "large scouting ship" with a "small deck"?? Might make sense if I saw a picture or something, but just a little confused there.
You said (or I guess the captain said) " in two five minutes". Typo probs. Ok that's my last nitpik. I'll let you handle grammar and punctuation.
I'm too lazy to do it in this reviewWait is the dragon dead? It sounds like it is by the way the conversation goes, but it never actually says the baby dragon is dead. Oh and is the captain young and muscular or older, fat and ugly? Those are two things I'd like to know near the beginning.
Oooo cool use for dragons. Smart too. I like that detail in there.
"The enemy ship, Grevian pennant of a yellow background and eight red stars in the forefront waving, swept in." It sounds better to say "...waving in the forefront, swept in."
I LOVE THE BATTLE!! Good job with the intensity in your description of it. More intensity wouldn't hurt, but it got my whole, captivated attention, so it's great!! (especially because I'm soooo easily distracted. XD)
Niiiiiice end. But who said "Lord help us all"? The captain I'm guessing? I wish you wrote even more from his point of view. Such as what he's thinking and feeling during all this. It would really take this story to another level. Like seriously.
But yes I love the story so far and hope you write more!!! That's how a good book should start: with intensity and conflict and mystery. Don't get down on yourself!! You might feel rusty, but I can't see how.
Keep writing!!(wait everyone says that...) ~Abi
Ps. I hope this review was fun to read. I try
too hardXDI like the name of the ship, The Blade. I don't know why you think it's stupid. I like how there's a variety of weapons, instead of just swords. Ones besides swords. It's cool. Everybody loves the action in it. I think the cliff-hanger was cool. Everybody loves dragons!