12+ Language

Eos, Chapter 2.2: An Unwelcome Visitor

by Mea

A/N: For those just joining, Dameon is a rescue worker bringing people in from the ruins of the United States to his country, Eos. He has some associates high up in Eos' government who want him to be a spy instead, but he's refused for years.

About an hour later, Dameon and Jade were still taking turns answering Kathy’s questions when June’s voice crackled over the intercom. “We are approaching Eos. Landing in six minutes.”

“Want to see?” Jade asked. “We’re coming in at a good angle to see the city. Here.” She stood up and beckoned Kathy to the small window on the left. Dameon joined them just as they broke through a cloud layer and Eos appeared.

It looked just like New York back home, but emptier., More than half the skyscrapers in the city were disused. A high concrete wall bisected the city, fencing away the wild east portion. As they got closer, Dameon was able to pick out the individual vines and trees sprawling haphazardly across the west side of the city. They gave the skyscrapers a dull earthy cast, wild and foreboding. The west side, in comparison, was pristine, the sun glinting off the buildings. The roads were freshly paved in concrete, but relatively empty — almost everyone was working.

They descended, skirting the edge of the city — the DOI was on far west side. Kathy’s eyes swept the skyscrapers, taking everything in as they passed a train station with several rows of bikes parked outside.

“There’s no cars,” Kathy said, puzzled. “Does everybody bike?”

“We don’t have gas,” Dameon said, blunt. “Our wise leader has decided it pollutes the planet too much. More realistically,” he admitted, “it’s too hard to get — not enough reserves nearby. There are some electric cars, especially out of the city, but bicycles are cheaper and easier to make, so unless you’re authorized for a car, you bike.”

“Great,” Kathy said under her breath. Dameon privately agreed.

The Department of Immigration was housed in a wide building maybe twenty stories tall, with a long, flat roof for the hoverjets to land on. When they touched down, theirs was the only search-and-rescue hoverjet currently docked. This was normal — the DOI’s main base of operations was somewhere called Shoal Lake in what used to be Arkansas or something, just because it was a better center to cover America and the more populated parts of Canada from. As far as they could tell, in most realities, countries and population centers were roughly the same as in Dameon’s home reality. In the lower dimensions… things had started to fall apart. Or in 32’s case, had long since fallen apart.

Anyway, Dameon and Jade were part of a small contingent stationed here in Eos, as flying out of here to nearby places like New York was infinitely more efficient than flying there from nowhere, Arkansas. Dameon suspected the assignment was partially because certain people wanted to keep an eye on him, but he wasn’t complaining — he’d take going home to an apartment in Eos each night over the week on, week off shifts at Shoal Lake.

“Let’s go,” said Jade, putting her hand on Kathy’s shoulder and steering her towards the door.

Inside the DOI was nothing fancy. The ubiquitous government office building, only made interesting by having the emblem of Vitas — a blood-red rising sun — emblazoned on the wall every hundred feet or so. Dameon and Jade turned Kathy over to the clerks and integration counselors. They would run her through the system to see if she had any dupes, ask her some questions about the reality she came from, and then assign her a place to live. Later, she would take an aptitude test and be given a job. All perfectly bureaucratic.

Jade and Dameon made their way to the wait room to gather their things and clock out.

“She really wasn’t bad, as newly fallen go,” Jade commented, referring to Kathy.

Dameon grunted. “I was worried she’d wear your voice out at the rate she asked questions.”

“Clearly not enough to jump in and help out,” Jade retorted.

“What are your plans between now and eight?” Dameon asked, deliberately changing the subject as he pressed the button for the elevator.

“Oh, I just got my weekly food chits. I was going to go shopping — I’m completely out of bread, fruit, you name it.”

“Oh.” He had hoped she would be free, that they could hang out until seven when she was supposed to show him — whatever it was.

Two minutes later and three floors down, Dameon pulled open the door to the leisure room and was confronted by a blast of noise. The Orange and Red teams were sprawled across three couches, laughing at a comedy that was playing on the holoscreen in front of them. “Having fun?” he shouted over the noise.

“More fun than we would in New York,” Lexi, a tall, thin white girl with hair cropped short, replied as Dameon crossed to his locker and started spinning the lock.

“Nothing like a mutant dog trying to eat you to spice up your day,” Jade shook her head, folding her arms and resting them on the back of the couch as she let the others draw her into a description of the mutant.

“Oh, Dameon,” Rex called across the room. “Mr. Davidson was looking for you. He was here just a minute ago.”

“He’ll come by again,” Dameon said, snapping his bag shut and throwing it over his shoulder as he closed his locker. “Tell him I’ll meet him in the exercise suite. He knows where.”

Gregory Davidson was the head of the Department of Immigration and, against all odds, a man Dameon respected tremendously. He was an unofficial member of the High and Mighty Samuel’s inner circle, and the only one Dameon was actually on regular speaking terms with. They often spent a workout together after his shift, discussing the DOI but also talking through the latest scientific and political news, and not the sort of stuff you got from government broadcasts. Nothing too classified, or so Gregory said, but Dameon could never quite be sure.

A few minutes later, Dameon stepped out of the elevator into the exercise suite, so named because it took up the entire twenty-fifth floor of the building. The main room opened before him, lit with clinical florescent lights, walls and floor so white he almost needed to squint. Various weights, mats, and beams were scattered through the wide, low room, arranged in groups according to the type of workout you were looking for. Most people did their exercises in the morning, so the place was nearly deserted. Dameon headed straight across the room, past the showers and lockers, to the room with the firing range.

The firing range, as usual, was deathly silent. Rafael, the range’s security and training instructor, sat at his desk with a book open. He looked up, hearing the door open, and nodded to Dameon. “You know what to do. Will Gregory be here?”

“Soon,” Dameon replied. To his right, the shooting lanes stretched out, targets lost in shadow. He flicked a switch, and the lights flickered on, row by row.

“I will get you a practice stunner,” Rafael said. “Remember to sign it out.”

Even here, in an actual shooting range, they couldn’t have real guns. Dameon suppressed his irritation and scrawled his signature in the little book that lay open on the desk, adding the time and date.

Rafael returned and handed him the stun gun. Dameon took it, automatically checking if the safety was on and being sure to keep his finger off the trigger. Good habits were the key to gun safety, even if the “gun” in question couldn’t cause permanent damage if it tried. He set the stunner down on the barrier between the firing cubicle and the lane where the targets hung, vaulting over it to go adjust the free-standing targets. A round of ten, staggered down the range, half-covering each other for greater difficultly. He’d time himself, see how long it took him to hit them all. One shot each, no collateral.

Back out of the lane, Dameon waited for Rafael to give the setup an official once-over. Rafael scrutinized the range, then nodded once and returned to his desk, leaving Dameon alone to shoot.

The stun gun was the size of a Glock pistol, but with a squat barrel. Right hand on the grip, left hand supporting the wrist, eyes in line.

“Commencing fire!” Dameon called to no one in particular. With a flick of the thumb, he disengaged the safety, raised the stunner, and fired. Ten shots. Ten short hisses, the gun growing warm in his hands. Only eight patches of red fluorescence against the creamy white targets, marking his hits.

No recoil. There was never any damn recoil. Quiet, clean, and completely harmless. A real gun was something to be respected. A toy like this made safety measures look laughable.

Dameon shot again. And again. The concentration, the focus in each sighting and shot — all of that was the same intoxicating brew. His muscles loosened, the tension in his shoulders eased, and as he called “Range is cold” and went to adjust the targets again, he found he was smiling and flushed with satisfaction. He hung two more, making an even dozen, then vaulted back over the barrier again, lost in the rhythm.

He looked up and found himself face-to-face with Gregory. Dameon stiffened, startled, but he quashed the instinct to raise the stunner in time. “You’re here!” he said instead with a smile. “How’s Martha and the kids? I don’t think I’ve seen you all week.”

“To tell you the truth, I’ve hardly seen them, either. It’s been a busy week,” Gregory said in a low, soft voice. He sounded tired. He moved to step aside. “Dameon, I — ”

Dameon froze. A very familiar figure stood behind Gregory. Dameon’s exact height, exact build — exact face. He wore an army uniform, a long row of stars decorating his shoulders. He was D30, called Dan, the head of the whole damn army. And one of Dameon’s dupes.

I don’t want to deal with this today.

---------

A/N Pt. 2 - I do realize the this both breaks off in a weird place and the first half is a lot of filler. Sorry.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Blues
Review
Blues wrote a review · Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:23 pm

Hi hello sorry for taking ages let's go!

First read-through

It looked just like New York back home, but emptier.,

Stray comma you've probably been warned of already :P

I love the description at the beginning! This does sound excellent. What is the DOI though - have I just forgotten?

“We don’t have gas. Our wise leader has decided it pollutes the planet too much," Dameon said, bluntly. "More realistically,” [insert action that displays his opinion] “it’s too hard to get — not enough reserves nearby.

I shuffled around the sentence a little bit... No need to add another dialogue tag imo!

Aaah every time you go into the exposition/world building I love it -- I love reading this kind of stuff but hate it when the world is the main focus over the characters so this is perfect!

weekly food chits

What is a chit?

Gregory Davidson was the head of the Department of Immigration and, against all odds, a man Dameon respected tremendously.


But whaaat why was he so rude about him before?

And one of Dameon’s dupes.

That you mentioned the dupes quite offhandedly earlier on and now bring him in was brilliant.


And on second reread...
“Oh.” He had hoped she would be free, that they could hang out until seven when she was supposed to show him — whatever it was.

This feels a bit superfluous.

Comments

I really liked this! I feel like I only have good things to say, honestly - I liked how the pace definitely slowed down and there was a bit of time to breathe and relax, before it picking up right at the end (which was great! I don't think it broke off at a weird point).

I don’t want to deal with this today.


I'm not sure how I feel about this bit. If I forget to mention it in the next review, remind me!

Character-wise, I'm wondering why Dameon is so keen on having real guns--these seem far superior?

But yeah. I don't have any big criticisms really -- I really enjoyed reading it and I'm super excited to read on!

~ Blues

Thanks as always for the review! Re: Dameon and his guns - these guns aren't lethal at all, they're less powerful than tasers actually. They're stun guns, intended to briefly stun someone, and they mostly work, but as we saw with the mutant dog, it doesn't put them out of commission for a long time. Dameon doesn't like this. Plus in his mind it's more the principle of the thing - he doesn't like that he can't have a "real" way to defend himself.

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

How the hell did I not see this one xD

Nit-picks:

“We don’t have gas,” Dameon said, blunt. “Our wise leader has decided it pollutes the planet too much.

Is Dameon cynical about environmentalism? Or is it just the fact that he doesn't think that's the real reason?

Anyway, Dameon and Jade were part of a small contingent

This "Anyway" is quite strange. It goes all omniscient-narrator for a second which the story hasn't done so far. Also the rest of this sentence seems to be a reason to just have multiple bases spread out around the country.

“She really wasn’t bad, as newly fallen go,” Jade commented, referring to Kathy.

It was fairly obvious who she was referring to.

He looked up, hearing the door open, and nodded to Dameon. “You know what to do. Will Gregory be here?”

How does he know Gregory is looking for him?

Even here, in an actual shooting range, they couldn’t have real guns. Dameon suppressed his irritation and scrawled his signature in the little book that lay open on the desk, adding the time and date.

Why is he quite so bothered about this?

Overall:

Okay, quick random thing. I think it is weird to call Samuel by his first name. People don't go around saying President Donald or Chancellor Angela or President Emmanuel. They are Trump, Merkel and Macron. It seems like maybe you're doing that in order to make the reader remember that his name is Samuel because that is important to the story, but I think it would be better to do that sparingly, maybe use his full name a couple more times than you'd expect in reality.

So, I actually wasn't that much a fan of this chapter. Not because of the filler - I think it added setting - or for any technical reason. I think Dameon's character came through quite well actually. Which is the problem, because I don't like him very much. He seems obsessed with doing damage with guns, which is something that frightens me when it's in anyone's personality. He also seems to have an inherent resentment towards bureaucracy, which also worries me, because that's the attitude of the kinds of people who say things like "calling a trans person 'she' before they've had 'the op' is political correctness gone mad!" or other conservative things like that.

I think it also doesn't help that I'm like, largely fine with this system of government. It doesn't seem too corrupt - nobody seems to be starving because the government isn't giving out enough food chits - so I don't instinctively sympathise with his conflict. I know it's explained in the next chapter that it's about choice, but it's not like that many of their capabilities actually seem to be restricted. They can still get places - but they're healthier and better for the planet. They can still cause harm to others - but not permanently. All this means that I require Dameon's character to get me onside with his fight, and currently I just don't really have that hook.

Independent of that, it's obviously okay to not like a main character, but I kind of get the feeling that I am meant to like him. And I think it's unfortunate that just by my subjective preferences, I do not. I'm not really sure what I expect you to do here. Maybe show the government doing something obviously evil, or have him show strong compassion or something? Oh, the thing in the next chapter with the aptitude tests, that was not great. But it does seem quite similar to other systems where if you fail big exams you don't get into the school you want to, so it feels like a cruel thing about the world rather than about this government.

Hope this helps (and feel free to get in touch about this since it's the most critical I've been so far),
Biscuits :)

Ooooh, okay, this is helpful. Honestly, I probably should have guessed that this would be your reaction to Dameon and his opinions on the government. I won't say how much of it is intentional, but I will say that I'm trying to find a fine balance between the readers agreeing with Dameon and thinking he's well, overreacting at best and totally off-base and dangerously resentful at worst, so that's one of the biggest things I'll be trying to adjust as I go.

My rational for Dameon calling President Samuel by his first name is that, well... it's just what Dameon would do, since Samuel's a version of his brother. And then Gregory and Dan are on first-name terms because they're in his inner circle. But you're right, I should probably have them refer to him more often as the President, and I should make sure Jade and such refer to him that way.

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Wed Jul 18, 2018 1:42 am

Hello again my dear Mea!! I'm sleepy so hopefully this review is coherent :p

Yeah, so this better not be the end of chapter 2 because what is a dupe and what is going on?? I'm sure all shall be revealed, but why you gotta make me think and stuff Mea?? :p

Okay so you say the first half is a lot of filler, and I agree, but I don't think it's bad or all that unnecessary. We need to see the world and get a sense of how the world works or it'll be next to impossible to engage in the story. I'm glad it wasn't an endless back and forth of Kathy's questions and their answers as a way to "subtly" give the reader info about the world and instead you showed us things little by little as it was happening in the plot.

I liked the subtle awkwardness of Dameon trying to spend more time with Jade and then losing his nerve (I mean buddy you could have offered to go grocery shopping with her....) They're obviously close, but they're not close enough that they run errands together and hang out constantly, which is telling. You know me, Mea. Any hint of a romance and I'm going to glom on for all it's worth and watch the budding romance form with big heart eyes :p

I'm glad we got to see a little more of what life is like there and some of the others who live there. When Dameon got his summons from Gregory, Dameon responds in a pretty casual way, but I was wondering what he thought when he learned Gregory was looking for him. Is he surprised at all? What does he expect Gregory will want to talk to him about this time?

And how interesting that they have shooting ranges with non-functional guns and Dameon has his own working gun..... my senses are tingling because I feel like there's something to that but I'm too tired to really process at the moment :p

And then we arrive back at the dupe thing. Suuuper confusing as of now so I hope you have a good explanation for me in the next installment! Until then, let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D

<3 I'm trying to decide whether I should tell you what a dup(licat)e is because I don't remember if I actually explain it more fully in the next part or if I thought I'd dropped enough hints for the reader to figure it out.

and I should have known your favorite relationship would be Dameon and Jade right off the bat lol

I can sort of guess with context clues (it's essentially a clone-esque thing right?) but I have so many questions still :p

hahaha you know my tastes :p

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Sun Jul 15, 2018 8:41 am

Hiya, Mea! Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this. Now I've got that stupid short story written and submitted, I can finally get back to reviewing.

Just an aside before I dive into the critique, but this part of your author's note perplexed me:

He has some associates high up in Eos' government who want him to be a spy instead, but he's refused for years.


Did we learn this at any point in the chapters so far? It feels like news to me, so it seems like a curious thing to include in an A/N.

Small Comments

“We don’t have gas,” Dameon said, blunt.


I think this is a case of letting the dialogue speak for itself, if you get what I mean.

“She really wasn’t bad, as newly fallen go,” Jade commented, referring to Kathy.


It's already clear that she's referring to Kathy.

Dameon grunted. “I was worried she’d wear your voice out at the rate she asked questions.”

“Clearly not enough to jump in and help out,” Jade retorted.


Small nitpick, but this is at odds with what you say at the beginning of the chapter; you state that 'Dameon and Jade were still taking turns answering Kathy’s questions', which doesn't suggest that Jade was doing the bulk of the work. It might be worth indicating the imbalance earlier.

“What are your plans between now and eight?” Dameon asked, deliberately changing the subject as he pressed the button for the elevator.


You do have a bit of a habit of stating the intentions of the dialogue rather than just letting the reader infer them. Sometimes it's necessary, sometimes it isn't - I think this is a case of the latter.

He had hoped she would be free, that they could hang out until seven when she was supposed to show him — whatever it was


Do you mean eight? That's when she said she wanted to show him something, isn't it?

“More fun than we would in New York,” Lexi , a tall, thin white girl with hair cropped short, replied as Dameon crossed to his locker and started spinning the lock.


I really don't think that dialogue tags are the place for thorough character descriptions, especially not when they're squeezed in between the speaker and the speech verb. It completely breaks up the natural rhythm, as well as drawing too much attention to a part of prose that is usually pretty invisible. I'd try and work this description in elsewhere, or at least make it less detailed.

No recoil. There was never any damn recoil. Quiet, clean, and completely harmless. A real gun was something to be respected. A toy like this made safety measures look laughable.


I really like this part. It captures Dameon's frustration perfectly, even though I'm yet to understand why he's so fixated on using a real gun.

Overall Thoughts

1) So, by the looks of your A/N, it seems like you're already aware of the main issues with this chapter, but I'll briefly mention them even so. First, the amount of filler. For me, this is probably the most pressing problem, because this chapter is the first one where I felt my attention drifting as I read it. Your setting isn't unusual enough for day-to-day details about it to hold my interest, so you have to make sure that there's enough conflict to sustain me instead. I don't feel like you should scrap or rethink the first half too much, because we do gather quite a lot of important details from it, but I do think you should edit it down and make it move far more quickly. He needs to get to the shooting range quicker, to bump into his dupe quicker. That's the point at which the chapter starts to get really interesting, so make a beeline for it.

Second, the breaking off in a weird place. Is this the end of the chapter or is 2.3 still to come? If there's another chunk left, that's fine. If this is the conclusion, some reordering is probably required. Considering the chapter is called 'An Unwelcome Visitor', I think said visitor should be the focus of the chapter rather than its cliffhanger.

2) Dameon's character hasn't really grabbed me yet. It's still early days, of course, but I don't really know what to make of him. He's almost too mild. I can definitely spot things that mark his personality out, like his slight distaste for the way Eos is run and his fixation on using a real gun, but he doesn't feel...I don't know, defined enough? He doesn't have any clear, indisputable character traits to make him stand out from the rest of the cast. That may change as the story progresses, of course, but early chapters are crucial.

3) The whole concept of dupes is something I can't wait to get my teeth into. I like how nonchalantly you slide them into the narrative, not stopping to explain what they are or how they operate. I hope you continue to treat them with that same level of normality in future chapters, because it really makes them feel like a regular part of the world.

I'm also keen to know just how varied dupes can be, where they all come from, and what it means to have them. Dameon doesn't seem happy to see one of his, but is that because he has a bad history with D30, or is it because of a wider discomfort with dupes?

I think that's all I've got to say for this review. On the whole, this was a little on the slow side, but it's left off on a note that does intrigue me to read on. As always, let me know when the next bit goes up.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

Thank you as always! Your suggestions are really on point. Re: the chapter ending in a weird place, yeah, I just needed to break it up because I didn't want to post a 3k word chapter part. There'll be a chapter 2.3.



As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda