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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well, since Alainna got all the grammar things out of the way, there isn't much for me to correct. I liked this, especially the ending, and I'm intrigued already as to what the Histories are. The first sentence about 'crystal teardrops' kind of made me gag. I don't think that fit there, really, even as a metaphor. I mean, I understand that she's sad, but it's kind of an annoying metaphor. That whole paragraph annoyed me as well because there were no pronouns at all, and it kind of made it seem jerky, because I didn't understand whose voice you were speaking in until the next paragraph. Maybe consider revising it. But I'm definitely intrigued and I want to read the next chapter.
First off, this was a very enjoyable piece and if you ever post anymore than feel free to pm me for a crit.
You started off excellently, but as the prologue continued it seemed to get a bit weaker. Perhaps try to strengthen the tone of the last six or so sentences so they match the beginning a bit more.
Scrap 'but'. You used it already recently and it doesn't do much. If you really need something at the beginning of that sentence then try another connective. I think it's fine without one, full stop.
An 'I' before stubbornly.
This sentence doesn't make much sense. How could she see their faces after they had left? Consider re-phrasing?
We are taught......Hm. I just don't like that phrasing and from what else I have read in this piece I know you can do so much better. Expansion on this could work, with maybe an example of some kind.
Lovely.
Overall, this was strong and has a lot of potential. Keep going! I'd love to see more of the characters and your description is amazing.
All the best,
Alainna
xx