Prologue
“It was somewhere around the beginning of October and, as usual, I was buried under piles of schoolwork. Snuggled in the big rotating chair in front of my desk, I was trying to finish the last assignment on the list, but despite all my efforts, my eyes kept trailing off and away through the windows. It was a beautiful day outside. Warm sunlight rained down upon colourful tree crowns as the light breeze swayed them. The rustle of the leaves was like a siren’s song; the more I listened the more mesmerized I was. Unable to bear it I stood up and approached the window. My palm met the cool glass and my eyes scanned the setting. The memory of the unfinished assignment slowly vanished into oblivion and, entranced, I found myself running out of the house.
Luckily there was no need to explain my sudden departure or report my destination since no one was home on that particular Sunday afternoon. Having gone out earlier, probably to drink coffee and gossip with friends, mother wasn’t expected soon. As for my father, he had once again left early in the morning after receiving an emergency call from work. At some point I had realized the true nature of his frequent absences, but I did not wish to be the one to break my family’s delicate equilibrium.
I took a deep breath and smiled, feeling the wind upon my skin. At the traffic lights, I shifted from foot to foot waiting for the green to flash and then rushing across the other pedestrians quickly scattered in different directions. I alone ran up the steep stairs to the huge stone arch that marked the entrance of Riverwood Park. Panting, I halted to catch my breath. Behind, the city spread out into the distance, gray scape meeting vibrant blue sky. Across it small, puffy clouds sailed, persistently harrying the sun. In between its frequent disappearances, its light illuminated the trees ahead, into magical shades of red, orange and gold.
I continued down the wide paved alleys, and then off into the forest, where the benches and runners soon vanished from sight. I was seeking solitude and silence, something I seemed to lack whenever I was in the centre of the busy city. But even without seeing the signs, I could still sense the difference. It was not a real forest; it was a park in the middle of a metropolis.
“There’s nothing wrong here.” she had told me, yet I kept pulling my mother’s sleeve repeating: “There’s something wrong here.”
It was much later that I finally came to terms with the fact that she couldn’t possibly feel what I did. Eventually, I had stopped bringing it up and instead just stared off in the distance reflecting upon the disturbed nature of our surroundings.
“What a weird child.”
I never blamed them for their contempt. After all, the times when there were people who could understand had long passed. But even after I had accepted it, I could not help but feel crestfallen. The world had changed and I was not certain it was for the best. The existence I was used to, would never return, and no matter how I tried to forget, the memory was carved so deeply into my soul I kept coming back to it. And I kept wondering, was the ability to sense all this, to remember just reminiscence, heritage of my former existence? Or was it simply punishment, so we would not forget what we once had, and foolishly lost. And maybe it was after all simply… insanity.
The timely return to my senses helped me evade the stone that would have been my downfall. Continuing forward, more alert, I soon reached one of the many streams that ran across the park. Bubbling silently, its water reflected the lucky rays that pierced the thick tree crowns. How much everything changes in just a moment, I thought looking at the ever-flowing water. With a sigh, I jumped across the stream.
“We don’t have any other choice but to observe the world around us from our shell - the body,” my art teacher had once said without realizing the extent to which her words had appealed to me. Maybe that was the reason I had taken up art. That, or the desire to depict the beauty of the world I still saw in my dreams.
A flock of birds flew above me, the flap of their wings breaking the silence. My eyes traced their graceful flight between the branches of the trees. It reminded me of an angel I had once drawn. Clad in pale gray clothes with his pure white wings spread. Much like them, he was flying towards a blue sky. His silhouette was bathed in golden sunlight, and his eyes were gazing into the distance craving for the horizon. I had begun drawing birds afterwards. Alone or in flocks, I kept drawing until I had used up all my canvases. Even so, I never managed to capture the freedom of flight the way I wished to. Saddened, I had returned to drawing trees, only if the memories could leave as easily as my inspiration. More vivid than ever, they began pervading my thoughts, haunting me in my dreams, slowly taking over my mind until all I could think about was the past.
As the twilight of the day approached, the wind filled with whispers. It was such a shame I had lost the ability to understand them. Accompanied by their lament I reluctantly headed towards the exit. Strolling down the familiar streets I soon realized how uncommonly quiet it had become. Upon pure instinct I slowed my pace and sharpened my senses, as if in expectation for something to happen. But it never did. Despite how well I knew that I couldn’t help my response.
However, this time it was different. Not realizing it I had halted literally sniffing the air around me. There was a touch on my hand. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Turning briskly, I met the eyes of a young girl. As if entranced she was looking at me, even though it was I who was captured by her soul-piercing blue gaze.
“There you are.” holding onto my hand, she said with a gentle smile. “It’s time to go back, they are waiting.” she said and her eyes sparkled with laughter.
“What…?” was the only thing I managed to say.
She tilted her head, her platinum blond hair spilling over her face. Her hand, wrapped around mine, was cold as ice. A look of confusion crossed her face. “Do you not…” hushed her words as if in fear.
“Do I not what?” I stared at her in slight confusion. She looked back as if she wanted to say something, many things, but she didn’t. Instead, looking at me sadly, she let go of my hand. A tiny voice in my head mocked me; wasn’t I supposed to be the weird child? Another long moment passed and stepping back I slowly turned away, almost convinced she had been a mere illusion.
“Soihra Gantath Fallas….”
I halted, my heart skipping a beat. Turning sharply I faced an empty street. My eyes widened both in horror and excitement. I was frozen still, the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. When I remembered how to breathe I inhaled deeply, shivers running through my whole body. “It must have been my imagination…” I told myself but my entire being screamed the alternative.
“My silly imagination…” I reassured myself and finally moved on as a passing car brought me out of my trance.
That night I had a dream much like the dreams I had become so familiar with, yet something felt different. I was wandering around a dim lit hall lined with countless paintings. The air was heavy and I had to struggle to breathe. There were no windows, or doors in sight, just walls and walls of pictures of people and settings. Some I could name, some remembered but had not seen in ages, others felt awfully familiar but kept eluding my mind, and the rest I could not recollect at all. Surrounded by dancing shadows I desperately kept searching for the way out, I wanted to leave, I had to leave. I stopped suddenly, my eyes fixing upon a giant canvas. Its massive maroon frame took up the whole wall, but its image, I was certain just a moment before it had had an image, had turned into an endless sea of black void. A feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me. There was supposed to be a picture in that frame. In the background a faint whisper echoed louder and louder: “Soihra Gantath Fallas...”
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey Ary!
Shady back with a review, as promised.
~ This bit feels misplaced, and is definitely improperly punctuated. Maybe try something along the narrative path you’re going down...like “My mother always told me that there was nothing wrong with this place. When I was younger I’d insist that there was, but she never believed it.” Which would flow nicely into your second paragraph.
~ Who said this? I’m not really digging your quotes in this narrative. Try to explain, like so... “They always looked at me like I was strange. Often I overheard them calling me ‘weird’ and ‘freakish’, when they though I couldn’t hear them”
~ Try: (“There you are,” she said with a gentle smile, her eyes sparking with laughter, as she took hold of my hand. “It’s time to go back; they’re waiting.”)
~ I’d also place the eclipse in front of the ‘what’, rather than coming after.
~~~
Wow!
You definitely know how to set up a strange, yet intriguing, storyline. I’m very interested to read on.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Here to review!
At the traffic lights, I shifted from foot to foot waiting for the green to flash and then rushing across the other pedestrians quickly scattered in different directions
My name is Omniyus! I will be reviewing this piece and all the other parts to this story! I'm going to skip actually grading this story in different parts and I'll just grade it as a whole.
I loved this story! I liked how it always kept you guessing and it always contrdicted what you were guessing in the beginning.
I only saw one thing that made me confused enough to post it.
Spoiler
This sentence, for me anyway, was extremely difficult to understand. After looking at it blankly for a couple of minutes, I still can't wrap it around my mind. If you could clarify it a bit, that would help a lot.
I'm excited to read further, just to see more about this mysterious main character who sounds like s/he isn't a part of his/her family or world.
This story would be recommended by myself any day. Bravo on such a captivating prologue. If the prologue is this good, I can't wait to read the first chapter!
I give this piece and overall 8 out of 10. Such a fine work.
I hoped this helped you, even if a little bit!
Omniyus.
Howdy. I'm Rubric and I'll be inflicting my opinion upon your art this evening.
To begin with the general before moving to the particular, I must say that I found this piece incredibly detailed. Your attention to detail is evident in constructing your protagonist's viewpoint into a full fleshed character; something I particularly liked as I'm struggling with it myself at the moment.
This piece works well as an introduction to the setting, your character, and in building suspense andforeshadowing future conflict.
Particularly toward the latter half of the piece, you start running into trouble with grammar, but there are a quite a few issues with diction and sytax throughout. I think it's important to preface the fairly lengthy point-by-point critique with the general thesis that this work is incredibly promising and I feel privileged to be given the opportunity to read and critique it. There are distinct moments bordering on the truly brilliant, and I think you show great promise as a writer capable of capturing well-conceived ideas. The room for your improvement lies in the elegance and execution of your sentence structure.
"October and as usual"
"October and, as usual," because you're basically throwing a new phrase in there that interrupts the idea.
"despite all efforts"
"despite all my efforts" or "despite my best efforts" gets rid of the passive voice.
"eyes kept trailing off"
trailing off is usually used to describe a verbal or otherwise auditory action, rather than a visual one. It's up to you whether you think this is read as an analogy or a mistake.
"a sirens’ song"
At first I thought this was incorrectl pluralisation. "a" doesn't fit the apostrophe, but I guess you could have many sirens singing one song. It might be cleaner as siren's song.
"Not able to bear it"
Unable?
"into oblivion and entranced, I"
This is like my first point, "entranced" sit amidst the phrase as a semi-independant clause, so it reads as "into oblivion and, entranced, I".
"probably to drink coffee"
Interesting that she isn't sure.
"mother wasn’t expected soon"
The passive voice here is interesting. It's almost formal, and with the distance of "probably" immediately beforehand, you get a little insight into their relationship.
"At some point I had realized"
I love this sentence. However, depending on how she came by this idea, is it a realisation or a strong suspicion?
"At the traffic lights, I shifted from foot to foot waiting for the green to flash and then rushing across the other pedestrians quickly scattered in different directions, and I alone ran up the steep stairs to the huge stone arch that marked the entrance of Riverwood. Panting, I halted to catch my breath."
Lose the "and" beteen "directions" and "I" and you've got two more workable sentences.
"Behind the city spreading out into the distance, gray scape meeting the vibrant blue sky."
You're missing a verb. Perhaps "gray scape met the vibrant blue sky" would patch the hole.
"Across it small, puffy clouds sailed, persistently hindering the sun"
Your imagery is nicely placed and effective. Consider "harrying" as an alternative to "hindering. It's a different image, of the sun being chased and interrupted by the clouds, rather than merely blocked.
"But for the short time it was exposed"
It's a rule applied perhaps too broadly, but I don't think the sentence is well graced in beginning with "but". Perhaps "Between its frequent dissappearances", or "smotherings" or something similarly cloudy. Just nail the metaphor depending on what you decide to do with the previous sentence.
"she couldn’t possibly feel what I did"
This is an incredibly important line and it reads, to me, a little too vaguelly. "Couldn't possibly" is strong language, but not neccessarily clear. Why was it not possible? Why were alternatives excluded? How did she deduce this? I'm trying to communicate something similar to her realisation about her father: a certain kind of knowledge is involved. It seems clinical, but perhaps something like "our experiences were divergent" or "her ignorance was almost painful". It would be interesting if you tied the mothr's ignorance of this to her ignorance of the father (if she is truly ignorant of it), even through imagery.
"I had stopped commenting"
"commenting" reads a little oddly; perhaps "bringing it up" or "drawing attention to"
"long come to pass"
come to pass refers to the occurence of a foreseen event, whereas this is something that has stopped happening. "Come to a close" perhaps?
"The existence I was used to"
Only in a prologue would I accept this much vague foreshadowing without actual content. It would become irritating in a longer piece. Here it's foreshadowing. Anywhere else it would be padding.
"the memory was carved so deep into my soul I kept coming back to it"
Potent. "deeply" perhaps?
"And I kept wondering was"
Need to divide the ideas: "And I kept wondering: was"
"former existence"
*see earlier point about the limited appropriateness of this to a prologue*
"The timely return to my senses"
The return of what? Herself. Should probably read as "The timely return of my senses" or "My timely return to sensibility"
"ever moving water"
ever-moving. There are other words to describe the impermanence, fluidity, and ethereal quality you're trying to capture here.
"Maybe that was the reason I had taken up art."
Gah. Excellent characterisation. Truly excellent. Rooting an ongoing personal interest in a moment of existential clarity. Brilliant.
"That or the desire to"
Comma after "that".
"Cladded in pale gray clothes"
Clad*
"much like them, he was flying towards a blue sky"
Could, and should, be its own sentence.
"Lone or in flocks, I kept drawing until"
I think "Alone" would be a stronger opening, and perhaps "them" before "drawing"
"capture the freedom of flight"
Excellent juxtaposition. Why did she fil? Because freedom is not caught, it is lived, and experienced.
"as easy as my"
easily*
"began invading my thoughts"
"pervading" is an alternative to "invading". It reflects the intensity, but reads less violently, so it's a matter of precision of meaning.
"the well familiar streets"
"very* familiar" perhaps?
"Upon pure instinct I slowed my pace and sharpened my senses, as if in expectation for something to happen."
I'm hesitant about phrasing such as "pure instinct", because it's often the mark of an author who tries to drive their characters into activity without true justification, but I don't think that's happening here. It seems more the memory of an instrinct now rendered useless because of the senses that are now blunted, and perhaps a clarification would reflect that?
"with the hairs on the back of my neck standing" Cut this out and put it as it's own sentence immediately prior. Shorter sentences add to suspense whil also keeping a fast pace of a scene in which action occurs differentiated from the more contemplative pace earlier in this piece.
"Wasn’t I supposed to be the weird child; a tiny voice in my head mocked me."
Ah this is awkward grammatically: the neccessary quetion mark is interrupted by the semicolon. Perhaps switch the phrases? "A tiny voice in my head mocked me; wasn't I supposed to be the weird child?" Alternative reconstruct it without the semicolon.
"screamed the else"
"Else" doesn't seem to fit. "The haunting alternative" perhaps?
"the dreams I had had every other night"
You've kind of already established this. "The dreams I was so familiar with" perhaps?
"a dim lit hall; countless paintings"
I think this might be a tad lazy. You shouldnt use a semicolon to shave off words like that. How doe the countless paintings relate to the hall? Do they lin it? Are they stacked is seried rows, draped in white cloth; relics of a former, tired, glory?
"heavy; I had"
Replace the semicolon with "and"
"no windows, nor doors"
No windows or doors"
"and sceneries"
Far too vague. Even "settings" would be clearer.
Thank you for your time. I hope my attention was of some small benefit to you.
Rubric.
Thank you for the time and effort you took to look this over and point out in detail what you found wrong. I really appreciate it. My punctuation is horrid, I know and apologize, I just seem to completely ignore it while I write. I tend to be rather careless too, thus the silly mistakes. Honestly though I have been having trouble with this story. I just can%u2019t seem to find the style to fit it best, and I am not sure I manage to put it across the way I want to. I%u2019m saying this because if you plan to continue reading the style really wobbles and at times it can be rather dull and unsophisticated. It%u2019s all a work in progress though and I am trying to get the second draft done rather than keep going over the same chapters over and over as I did with the prologue and one.
.
In any case, thanks again, I really appreciate the feedback, I don%u2019t think anyone had bothered to do such an extensive review so far
Well, since I feel like celebrating the point system's return, here I am to review.
A nit-picky thing (of little consequence) is that you open your prologue with a speech mark but don't really close it anyplace. Or was that a deliberate choice?
Well, I really like your writing style, especially your description.
"Warm sunlight rained down upon colourful tree crowns as the light breeze swayed them. The rustle of the leaves was like a sirens’ song, the more I listened the more mesmerized I was." - beautiful, just beautiful, that. I felt the need to comment on that particularly, because I liked that a lot, but overall it's pretty great.
Of course, as a prologue, detail is not needed in great quantity, and you inserted what I felt was needed.
Still, the last part did confuse me somewhat. We're in a garden, of sorts, then wham, we move onto Soihra - I assume that's her name - 's room, her having a nightmare.
Oh well, a trifle really, but anyways, hope this helped.
Thanks for the review. I will look though my writing to see if it really is that unclear when she returns home. I blame it on the format really, in the original document there was a visible break between the two but the editor of the post just ate it. I never seem to be able to deal with the formatting of my text on such sites%u2026